Outroverts - Introverts wanting to get out & socialize [GROUP] (5 spots left)

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Omega Man, Jul 4, 2013.

  1. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    I'm nearing 28 years of age so I'm not really in this age category. But I'm more or less an INTP (I'm not fixed on categories, but there is some truth about me in that type).
    My interests include philosophy, social sciences, psychology and I'm changing my job to programming now. I want to be more creative and flexible, I work in the social sector before. I have interest in stoïcism so I hope you guys will have me here. I'm introverted and always feel I lose energy in lager social situations (3+ people...). I'm very inexperienced with approaching women.
    I have an interest in going this group, to hold me accountable on some area's of my progress. I also think I can learn from you guys some life lesson's good or bad.

    Thanks for reading. Please let me know if I can join.
  2. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    I'm OK with it if the rest are. The only reason for the age range is the differing social outlets. Not many of us here want to do the same things as guys in their 20s.

    I'm going to have little time over the next week but will be checking in and get you on the group if the others are OK with it. I know I was mentally a 40 year old in my 20s ;)
  3. midge

    midge Guest

    It's fine with me, and welcome, Goingstoic. We're not exactly overloaded with members anyway, so I'm happy to have GS on board.
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    Yes, of course GoingStoic, it is fine with me too and you are very welcome - I like your moniker.

    I have signed up for another class at the gym this week, a yoga class. Many of the members here talk about yoga and I have never tried it so I thought I'd give it a go. And then next weekend I am pushing myself beyond my comfort zone in a big way. I am going to London to attend a three day course in determining your values and setting a life plan. I will be staying with my sister while I am there. It is the first time I have stayed away from home in several years - I really am a creature of habit. I am sure I will have a good time and learn a lot about myself and hopefully I will get some clarity as to what I want to do with my life. I am looking forward to it, but because of my inherent shyness it seems like a bigger deal than it really is, and I have some apprehension.
  5. midge

    midge Guest

    Giles, that sound wonderful. Congratulations on taking that step. I think I might enjoy something like that myself. You'll have to check back in afterward and tell us how it went.
  6. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    Thanks guys, nice meeting you.

    I'll read up on the thread tomorrow and await confirmation of the remaining members. I need to study a little now before I go to sleep.
  7. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Hey Goingstoic! Consider yourself an honorary outrovert as the remaining member Phoenix Rising is a great guy (but don't call him a nice guy) and besides majority rules! ;) Om may mentally be a 40 year old in his 20s, but I am sexually a 20 year old in my 50s. So seems like there is some room for cross-generational camaraderie. We may do different things socially than you, but I'd be very interested in learning about what 20something year olds are thinking about these days lest I become out of touch.

    My fellow stoic introverts, I've been struggling. And that's an understatement. A true existential crisis that goes beyond quitting PMO it seems. As a forum member called Blue Sky Mind wrote in his journal "Your recovery cannot be measured in # of days, but instead must be measured in terms of personal growth and emotional stability. And that, my friend, is life-long work!" This is not an excuse for my setbacks, but I have been frustrated with my personal growth and emotional stability plan. I also had a birthday last week and chose to keep quiet about it out of embarrassment I had nobody I really wanted hang out with that lived locally. Of course, I have at least still managed to eat out regularly. Pretty easy to be anonymous when you live I'm a big city.

    What brought me back was I got sick of isolating. My brain was fogging.

    As I wrote in my journal I realized I really, really, really need to find activities that gave me a sense of daily enjoyment and reward, since the rewards of kicking this addiction while looking for steady work are not so immediate. Whenever I get a craving I am going to focus my energy on motion graphic skills. If I apply just a fraction of the energy I did to my P fetishes, I could really enjoy it and accomplish something. I also am going to seriously consider investing in audio Spanish lessons to become more fluent. And if I am too tired to do either, then learn to just chill.
  8. midge

    midge Guest

    I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, RR. But your attitude sounds positive, and you're still very much in the game! I, too, have not made the positive strides in personal growth that I need to make. Things are definitely looking up on the PMO front, but I've got to get the rest of my life lined up and moving in a more positive direction.

    Spending time working on your new skills is a good plan, as are Spanish lessons. I could stand to do that myself--I studied it in high school and college, but it's mostly gone now, unfortunately.

    I'm traveling to a wedding this weekend, so will be some socializing, but mostly with siblings. It'll be fun, but not much of a challenge.

    Wishing you all peace and strength.
  9. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Thanks midge. I have no illusions that seeing positive results in personal growth will take time. My latest meltdown was more about not feeling i had much of a plan of action. Everything costs money for gods sake! At least I know what I am working on… to develop more character to deal with the unpredictability of people.

    Hope you have a good social experience this weekend, or at the very least get through it without too much trouble. Would be funny if you and OM showed up at the same wedding.
  10. midge

    midge Guest

    You're going in the right direction, RR. Keep hanging around here, posting, reading, and working on this. You'll solidify your action plan, and maybe it won't need to cost anything!

    Hilarious about the possibility of meeting OM at the wedding. :) That would be something. It was a pretty small affair, and most of the men there were my brothers. Anything's possible though!
  11. Giles

    Giles Member

    I have had a good week on reflection. I pushed myself beyond my limits and survived and I learnt a lot about myself and made some good plans for my future. I went to this course I mentioned and did find it quite overwhelming. I left before the end as I was struggling physically and feeling very tired. However, predominantly, I am feeling happy to have done what I did...

    It feels really good to have spent some time focusing on myself, setting some goals and making plans etc. and I know I need to dedicate some time each week developing this. I think I am going to try Omega Man's idea of taking a laptop to a cafe once a week and focusing on these issues...
  12. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    Ok thanks for having me all.

    I'm not on the last page yet with reading.

    I will say I like the idea to spend a few hours each week in a public place (library, coffeeshop etc.). I also need to go out more by myself. I spend a lot of time each day behind a computerdesk, mostly with people that are also not that social or at home.

    Wish you guys a good week, will continue reading tomorrow to get a little more background on you.
  13. physic_guy

    physic_guy New Member

    im 21 but i want to find life out there.can i join?
  14. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    I can actually say if you dare to reach out, you'll get some (a few) honest connections. Although I seem to notice that numbers also really depend. The absolute maximum for any meaningful convo seems to be 4 people, yourself included. The best 1-1 ofcourse which mostly follows. I rarely or never get past the surface if I don't see people in groups of 4 or less. Mostly you just get sucked the life out of you if you are somewhat introvert in bigger or superficial groups. It's really straining yourself, afterwards you even need time for yourself alone just to recharge.

    I was stuck a long time in social situations with people that don't interest me. I'm still partially there today, but it's getting better. I mostly met new people in the past through my friends or at the parties we went to. Underground electronic music scene... Some of my friends are dj's. So I met a lot of people (fans) my age or 10 years younger that always do drugs, alcohol, parties and talk about f'ing this or that girl (which they actually do constantly ), endless conversations about awesome tracks etc. I was so stuck in my life and job at that time I didn't really notice I was also socially stuck. I started to notice more and more that the groups I ended up travelling with, eating at my home, celebrating birthdays were always people that met through drugs, music /parties so they don't meet through "character" or values. That's probably why there were often tensions, jealousy, sleeping around...

    I more and more noticed many people just use other people to fill their own needs. They would scream out injustice when people steal, but if they had a new "friend" or f*ckbuddy who stole it just wasn't a problem anymore, because...?
    No integrity...
    But then I noticed I do the same... I put myself in shitty situations for the comfort of not having to be active in life, for safety. I just ride on other people's socialactivities which I mostly don't enjoy, just to have a little social life, but not more then absolute minimum. So I'm equally lazy in shaping my own environment. And some of my close friends enjoy the fact, that I'm quit "stoic" in life. But they really mean that I'm calm, non-judgemental (not gossiping in the group ), that I keep my mouth shut about vulnerable information and emotionally distant. But this is not even what stoïcism is really about... (it's some modern (negative) interpretation)

    What I did was living passive. Going through the motions on waves created by other people. I was caught in emotions, eventhough on the outside is seemed controlled, calm. In reality I distanced myself from others, because of fear being myself. I took an easy way out. Not offending, not disturbing, not being active. I'm learning to be more creative in many aspects of my life. Taking control, being really in control emotionally, physically and mentally. PMO is only a fragment of one big bad life philosophy/habit. But it was growing, probably because I was getting older and it seemed to dawn on me that life was slipping by so I used it more and more to manage my fears to give my self some "good feelings", to feel some life.

    Now because, I'm reschooling myself I'm getting more confident again, because now I actually chose to be there. Before I went to uni because my dad said it's normal to go. I got a certrain master, because my friend was doing that... Not being in control, which was everywhere in my life. In general I did everything like other people told me except I don't have relationships... For which there are multiple reasons... But I'm not feeling that bad about not being in a relationship, because I now know, if I would've before I better myself at least for some part it would be my fake self that is/was not really in control of himself. So this needs to be build before I get there.

    I believe when you are ready you'll definitly meet some people who are really worth all that effort I'm putting in today. So I also believe the same is through for you guys. There are people enough out there that are worth reaching out to, but since we are introverts it will take serious effort and at times it will probably hurt.

    Sorry for the rant, have to pick up this convo somewhere. So now you guys also have some background about how I feel. :)
  15. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    People cover up their faillures, lost dreams, lost freedom, pain over the years. It hurts to go deeper, to seek meaning, to reëvaluate... Many people prefer to go wide instead of deep inside. If you have a few good friends, then you'll notice more that you are stuck, doing things the wrong way etc. Then you have a mirror in front of you which is freeing for me, but it also means work. I think many people just want to "relax", be entertained.
  16. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    From first hand experience, I know there are people who value self-growth and care to go beyond superficial, party connections. I have met some people like this in classes related to psychology and expressive arts, in mediation centers which tend to draw people who are dealing with life difficulties, and at 12-step meetings where people are trying to make major changes in there lifestyles. Think of all the people doing therapy, attending institutions for spiritual guidance, or getting training in some type of personal development education. I'm not saying anyone in these category is committed to personal growth and meaningful relationships, but they're out there and I think this does become more apparent as you get older. Perhaps it's a matter of where you look or how present ourselves.

    That said, even when you meet people who are seeking more than superficial friends it doesn't mean you will always connect. Which leads me to my report on socializing. Tomorrow an old friend invited me to see a movie with her and make me lunch as a late birthday gift. She is a mutual friend of my closest male friend (who since having introduced us has moved to another state). She is older and a very caring person who practices buddhism, goes to a therapist, is educated, and has very strong social justice convictions. We consider ourselves good friends, but for a few reasons I don't always feel I am able to have a deep connection with her. I can't put my finger on it, but maybe it's our personality differences or maybe our different ideas about how we see the world. I have been avoiding getting together with her and was very hesitant to agree to it this time. I don't know if I will regret having said yes, but I suppose I am intending to risk being more honest about my real interests with her instead of "acting " like we are connecting. It makes me a little anxious as I know she deeply values our friendship and I don't know how she will react.

    Conversely, Thursday eve I had a good time with a new friend I met in the motion graphics training school I am going to. We kind of both mutually initiated hanging out. He is older than me and is in a similar situation of looking for work. Since he is a dude, i don't feel the need to rush getting to know him, and I honestly don't know how much personal growth means to him. But he's fun to talk with and I really needed a buddy to keep me inspired in seeking work.

    So I suppose I am not making any conclusions, except that making friends is an unpredictable affair. Therefore my attitude of how i choose to conduct myself probably makes a difference, and the environments I go to I'm sure can improve the odds.
  17. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Greeting, physic_guy. I'm glad to hear you are trying to improve your social life through quitting PMO and encourage you to find support that helps you. I speak only for myself when I write I have no problems with you joining our group, but I do question whether you'll find this is a group best suited for you. We are mostly a group who subscribe to secular stoic philosophy, mindful mediation, and personal responsibility in improving our social lives. We are not inclined to condemn the P industry or seek out destroying institutions in society we do not have control over as your signature suggests. I tip my hat to you young man. Keep going.
  18. Giles

    Giles Member

    I enjoyed reading your post Going Stoic - it was an interesting read. It sounds like you have a good awareness of what is going on for you and you are making positive changes and noticing improvements. Good for you.

    I can relate to your predicament RR. This is something familiar to me.

    I don't know whether it's a trait of introversion, but I am a good listener and I find that in the past I have gotten into friendships with people where I am almost like a surrogate therapist for them. They feel comfortable with me and open up to me and to some extent I am happy listening. But after the meeting, whereas they leave feeling refreshed and unburdened, I feel tired and pissed off. They think we have a friendship and I'm thinking I should have charged them for my time. This pattern is familiar to me and puts me off meeting people sometimes even though I like them.
  19. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    Be honest about it. I have similar problems sometimes. You share a friend, some interests etc, but it's not the same as values and emotional connection. Maybe you don't share a connection where you can be honestly vulnerable? I also build op relationships with people like you did and in the end I disappoint them. It starts with being unclear, they ask to do things together and to not hurt them I would say maybe, if have the time, money or some other excuse not to be honest and clear. You can look at you conversations with people do you use yes/no a lot or do you try to be nice or/and cryptic to not hurt feelings? It's a real timewaster being like that, people will also invest in me, people I don't really care about, so then it becomes an act. If you contuinue this to long, then ending it can be painful, but it will liberate you both. Or you can first try to open up the connection more, see where that gets you. There are people I knew for years, but where the relationship needed a pushes to move further. Being very vulnerable and honest helped mostly about the connection helped to see where it would lead and if it was worth it.
    In the past If people invited me to a bbq, a good/real friend lets say, sometimes I would go, mostly I would ask in an innocent way who else was coming and say a nice and say well I'll let you know if I can. If I didn't like the group or some people that come then the next day or so I would say I was busy and could not come. Now I just say no or yes. Or say I prefer to have a coffee or meet up somewhere on my own terms, private etc.
  20. Goingstoic

    Goingstoic New Member

    Thanks for also reading my post.

    What I read in your comment is more or less Mr. Nice Guy... Many men have it, me too btw. I believe you should have a clear understanding what you want out of connections you make. So you know better how to balance them to also let your self enjoy/enrich. We believe it's nice of us to be so "giving", but it's not so nice to feel pissed off or have an underlying tension because of it. Putting yourself in the background does not serve anybody in any meaningful way. Feeling tired afterwards is also introvert.
    People never really give "free" of charge. You can ofcourse give things for free in a loving relationship but that because there is a constant stream of giving both ways if the relationship is healthy were both will feel benefits. No one ows us anything, so if we want to have something deep that will benefit both parties then we should act/react in very clear ways.
    How many times do you say, when someone thanks us, it's no problem, don't mention it ? I for one say it nearly always, but somewhere in the background for 80% of people I know I seem to keep score if it happens regulary... Only a very few relationships seem to give me equally to not even think about giving or keeping some kind of internal record. It's important to know this part of yourself well, so that your mind is in tune with your actions.

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