Out of the Question

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Joost, Jun 19, 2020.

  1. Joost

    Joost Member

    I'm at the brink of relapsing into porn.
    Before I had some painful realisations and its makin' me head off into fantasyland again.
    Seriously struggling right now. I know its not worth it, but still it feels more favorable now than dealing with reality.
    The girl I thought belonged to me, might not belong to me after all..

    Gave in to the urge and watched some vids. Yeah its exciting, but never satisfying. Its never good enough. There is always a next and before you know it, you're a few hours into the night. I don't want that. I'd rather face the reality of the day. Yes, yes. :rolleyes:
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Yup this is how it has played out for me as well. Endless searching for something that porn is never able to provide.
    I also feel like it is a false excitement. When watching porn it's always the same situation that has been engaged in many, many times (at least in my case) before. How can that really be exciting?
    NewStart19 likes this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Try to be careful with your expectations.

    It's good to dream but many times when we confront reality things aren't as we hoped.

    We got to stay humble and keep trying. Having too strong expectations and then getting crushed by them (totally normal response) is a sign we need to learn more. We're not doing something right yet. Over the top expectations (too attached to them) is a sign we are probably burning some steps. Maybe have some more humble expectations.

    I think you're doing good man. Keep going.

    Love your life my friend. With all your heart.
    Swifty likes this.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Totally agree ... I know that feeling.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

  6. Joost

    Joost Member

    Thanks for your support guys.
    I think you're right about the expectations Longwayhome. Thanks.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Joost

    Joost Member

  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hope you're doing all right friend.
  9. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey man,

    how are you doing? Are you still in the institution? How is it going?
  10. Joost

    Joost Member

    Thelongwayhome27 and Swifty like this.
  11. birdsky

    birdsky Member


    Good for you. How do you feel at home? Did the institute help? Have you learned how to deal with the urges?

    I am still in the institute, but as I have written in my journal, it doesn‘t help much. The therapy sessions are almost useless. The only good thing is, I changed my environment what makes it easier to not relapse. I still notice that my flatline is almost gone, I have a hard time sleeping because unconsciously I am fantasising and having erections. I really fear that i could relapse the next days. i need to stay focused.
    Swifty likes this.
  12. Swifty

    Swifty New Member

    Whoa nice insight.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Swifty

    Swifty New Member

    Joost what is this gloriousness?


    Edit: Had a brain slip but just remembered I felt like it made me want to add something here. Oh yes the thief in the night reference. A song. I am muse of sorts but won't post songs much here. Not a bard. I do not sing.

    NE how here we go and did you write that poem?

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2020
  14. Swifty

    Swifty New Member

    Interesting you are aware of that circuit. I think I have the same one but I have been rejoicing with it which must stop.
  15. Joost

    Joost Member

    I wrote that poem, yes. You like it? It's not a happy poem.
    Conspirituality seems like a hopeful merge, but it's still a con.

  16. Joost

    Joost Member


    Sort of proved the relevance of that poem by my reaction to your post, Swifty. I apologize. I'm a hiphop head since I first heard some tapes from 2pac and Snoop Dog. I wish I was able to follow the lyrics of Thief in the Night better. I've indulged in gnosticism for quite a while myself. But yeah, I'm a dragon. Reptilian blood. I wonder what view they hold against dragonkind.

    Regardless of that, I came here to write a few words about wifey. I've been talking to her again in my spirit. She's there. I know I can't 'have' her. I'm not living up to my self and what it would mean to be her husband. I feel impotent. Its not a genital thing. More a state of learned helplessness and defeatism that has been around on my part for as long as I like to remember. She's great, regardless of my failing. And its such a gift that God has shown me my wife. There really is no search anymore. There's no point in it. I already found the girl of my youth. My eternal girl. So happy ending. :)
    niskanen91 likes this.
  17. Joost

    Joost Member

    Bad Morning.

    I had an absolute shitty, disappointing day. I went to visit my uncle who's in the hospital a few cities away. So I took the train and on the way back I bought a ticket, but it fell out of my pocket as I took out that stupid, obsolete mouth-mask. Thing is I realized later, when the ticket inspector asked for a ticket and I could only find the one I bought on the way home. The guy then handed me a ticket for 60 euros. For me to pay. Not looking to start a pity-party, but things like this piss me off. He wouldn't believe me that I had bought one and immediately got into aggro pressure mode. Blabla, i'm just doing my job. In other words: "I do not care whether you really bought a ticket or not."

    It feels as if my life is going down the drain again, but feelings aren't the truth. Neither is that whole corona-charade they're pulling on the people. It's a cover up.
    Anyway. I wrote a piece called America 2020, the Rear View. It's on my blog. Hopefully it resonates with someone.



Share This Page