Out of the Question

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Deleted User, Jun 19, 2020.

Tags:
  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hi folks,

    Currently i'm in a mental institution. One that is supposed to benefit mental health. Do not ask me how I ended up here. It is a result of many bad decisions and they can't be blamed on addiction. There's different kind of people here with mental issues like psychosis. Tomorrow I face a trial, which will decide in how much the governing instances can regulate my life. Think: forced medication,
    Honestly it sucks, but I know there is something to gain from it all. There's something to learn that will make me a better being by the grace of God.
    Pornography filled a void, that í'm now sort of facing again. I have no idea how to deal with that yet.

    Joost
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear @Joost. I wish you a lot of strength. Do you have support from your family?
     
  3. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    @Joost

    I too currently have a mental illness. While I don't know your particular situation, I am sure that it is by no means easy. I am rooting for you.
     
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks.
    I do have support from family.

    It's an interesting setup here in the mental institution. Workers and patients are sort of mingling in a household setting, which can add to the confusion when you first get here. It easy to label someone psychotic and dangerous and thus argue to medicate them, but some of the people here are quite rationally sane and get put down by medication. Its nice to have this little window to the outside. I'd say strong porn-consumers know a thing or two about mental ill-ness.

    Joost
     
    runningforfreedom and Shady like this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Joost hope it all goes fine.
     
  6. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    @Joost

    That sounds like a rather confusing, and somewhat disheartening situation. I'm glad to hear that you have a window, hopefully that brings you some solace.

    I'm rooting for you, friend.
     
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yeah, i've been here now for a week and had some of the best conversations with the 'inmates'. Psychosis is nothing but a soul crisis and the last thing people need is not to be taken serious. And unfortunately that is often what the people get in here. They're not understood in their experience of life.
    So far it has been a humbling experience for me, but also bothersome to see this is how we treat those that differ too much from the norm. Quite pathetic.

    I'm intending to write a booklet about this and to tell the story of the 'mentally sick'. I just need to get my computer and camera in here.
     
    runningforfreedom and Shady like this.
  8. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    That's so sad, I'm sorry to hear your story friend.

    I am of the belief that much of what we call "psychosis" is a completely natural and expected reaction to adverse life events in the messed-up society that we live in. I think that our "mental health" system does an extreme disservice to those who we label "not normal". And for that matter, who gets to decide what "normal" is? It is all a bunch of baloney. I think if your fellow inmates were taken seriously with understanding and compassion, this would go much further towards healing than locking up and telling them they have "psychosis".

    I would love to read your booklet about your experience, and your view on the "mentally sick".

    I will keep you in my prayers.
     
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    You got this Joost. Hope you're doing all right.
     
  10. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks for your support guys. Streaming a little video for your sake and mine. I've been working on it from out of this place.

    Dashlane America

    https://streamable.com/95e08f

    (Is the second part, the poetry part, even audible on speakers?)​
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2020
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    :mad:
    I'm pretty frustrated right now, which increases the risk of relapsing or doing something foolishly.
    I miss doing fun things, I can't stand senseless people with lame jokes. Old wounds are being touched again, but I can't risk lashing out at someone or somewhere. At the same time i'm in need of an outlet.
    Being teamed up with God isn't easy. The old has to go. None of it can stay. None of it can enter His Kingdom. God isn't doing half a job. You think he accepts any form of debauchery or pervertedness? No way. He won't, if only , to protect the innocent from evil. Neither can He work with the lazy. I've been lazy, careless. Rather being asleep, than awake. It seems deeply ingrained into my 'system'. But God will burn it, no matter what. Trust me, this goes for everyone of us.
    Ask God to hate your sin and you will begin to see what's so wrong about porn.
     
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    In my own opinion better to MO then to lash out at someone ! Unless you can find a better source to self regulate then MO ?

    What is causing the sudden frustration ? I think you were saying that you were enjoying talking to fellow inpatients.

    Maybe try to see what buttons are being pushed ? Try to be self aware in case you are shifting blame on the external (even if it may be objectively correct and legit) - but instead to see what inside is being touched upon. Such thinking leads to better solutions and as a result calming down sometimes.

    You got this man.
     
  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    So far, so good! We're 10 days ahead from the last post and I'm in a new environment.
    I've been placed in a different psych ward. This one is more pleasant and foodwise its a spoil.
    There are two attractive girls walking around here and the household setting makes some dangerous fantasies come alive again. They're simply attractive, but it's my own 'attractiveness' that is plaguing me here; i'm doing and feeling well, which is tricking me to believe things that might or might not be true. Fantasy.
    In no way do I intend to get sexually involved with these girls, but the idea is still there.
    Anyway. God is good and keeps me on the dream and the wife that will come true. And waiting out is more than worth it.
     
    Shady likes this.
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Day xxx :D
    Just a little joke. I lost count.
    But it feels good to be off the hook. You know, free from porn, lust. Matter of fact it feels amazing.

    I got some flag for my last post from my psychiatrist. She did misinterpret the whole post, making it seem as if I was writing sexually about fellow patients in here. Like what?! I wasn't doing that.
    Alas, i'm not allowed to write anything about the other patients in here, so I might as well write about the psychiatrist. She's a bombshell, dude! Just kidding. :rolleyes: She is a nice and friendly woman, which in itself does make a person attractive. Voila. I hope I won't get flag for this one.

    Today I visited a church service. Mweh, I was dissapointed. Church nowadays seems a lot like phony business. All about clothes and looks, about what sounds good but is not. Its like just another subculture, appearing Godly, but stinking on the inside. I wonder what Jesus would say.

    Anyway, i'm reading one of the X-files books now. Not kidding. Good old. :cool:
     
    axebattler likes this.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Another day.

    I've been feeling a bit sluggish lately. I was told I can soon leave the hospital to go back home. I haven't relapsed a single day ever since I was institutionalized. Is there still the chance I will? Sure, the lure of pornography is still there, but at the same time it's losing its weight on my mind. I am able to consider the consequence of acting out and it doesn't seem worth it. Even going through such scenario through my mind puts me off. I can't wholeheartedly seduce girls anymore, for God would always show me those persons in His light.
    I want to go home and tackle some practical issues, step by step. Right now im just hanging around and doing nothing really. Its a waste of time.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Maybe it helped to allow you to get some rest and regulate. Your current mindset, expressed in this last post, seems pretty balanced to me. Maybe also think how you can try to stay more stable once you go back home ? To regulate yourself on a daily basis.

    It's hard to combine creativity and stability but I think that's what we need to strive for. Too much creativity without stability does not work (for me) and the opposite also is true, becoming a little too rigid and all creativity is stifled. I suppose both of these reflect an out of balance state in a certain way.
     
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yeah I actually do have a lot to be joyful about. Porn and fantasy not having such power over me in itself is a reason to throw a party! I mean there is a whole new range of freedom that wasn't there before, but it be failure to think I achieved this by my own efforts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like really. Before I was walking around and saw a visibly attractive girl standing all alone. Man, it be very easy to entertain her somehow out of the desires of my flesh. But that isn't what God wants me to do. He'd want me to step towards her and tell her about Jesus. That requires some balls, especially on a girl you think is 'hot'. I blew that opportunity because I stared a little too long at her with the wrong mindset. Whatever. Point is, you can never overcome porn addiction with the intention to conquer girls or get better at it.

    With God there's no trying really. You either are in His rest or you're not. I realized that before when I was sitting a little depressed at dinner. Life is absolutely lame if you're not with Him. You are always looking for something to MAKE life better. But you can't. You can only get to KNOW life better. Which is Jesus, aka God. Truth, the way and the LIFE. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2020
  18. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    As I was considering your post, I realized what change I have to make. Its going to be a big one.
    I will reflect on it later when I have implemented it, for I could see it benefit many of us.
    Thank you.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Ugh.
    I'm at the brink of relapsing into porn.
    Before I had some painful realisations and its makin' me head off into fantasyland again.
    Seriously struggling right now. I know its not worth it, but still it feels more favorable now than dealing with reality.
    The girl I thought belonged to me, might not belong to me after all..

    Update:
    Gave in to the urge and watched some vids. Yeah its exciting, but never satisfying. Its never good enough. There is always a next and before you know it, you're a few hours into the night. I don't want that. I'd rather face the reality of the day. Yes, yes. :rolleyes:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2020
    NewStart19 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Yup this is how it has played out for me as well. Endless searching for something that porn is never able to provide.
    I also feel like it is a false excitement. When watching porn it's always the same situation that has been engaged in many, many times (at least in my case) before. How can that really be exciting?
     
    NewStart19 likes this.

Share This Page