Out of the Question

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Joost, Jun 19, 2020.

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  1. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Hi,

    I'm Joost. I'm 32. Currently i'm in a bad space.
    Addiction is a loss of voice. You're devoted to this 'thing', this object of desire, that you have given IT your voice, casting yourself aside. What a tragic loss. To give up the truth of who we are for a mental obsession.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020
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  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Go find food and eat. No sense doing anything on an empty stomach. At times physical needs get neglected, okay, but kindly remedy that first.

    :3 Also, welcome!
     
  3. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 5

    Selecting people by their looks can be a real b*tch. You get indwelled with a certain type of demon and im not talking about a Ku Kux Clan ghost. (joke aside)
    But yeah, isn't that what we do, browsing the porn galleries, for the right picture?

    Forgive me Father, for all those times, i've eyed at a woman to 'make her mine.'
     
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  4. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Joost

    I like how you did something creative in response to your addiction. This is something I have considered as an option when feeling urges or withdrawals, but have yet to actually do. I may just fundamentally be an uncreative person. I hope it is something you can turn to more and more on your recovery journey.

    Take care
     
  5. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 16

    Thank you. It's one of the ways I cope with reality. There's no such thing as a fundamentally uncreative person. Thats just what you believe about yourself. In reality you are full of creativity, because you are a created being. Logic. :)

    I'm currently having a hard time being honest. I don't won't to let go of the past. Sigh..
    What's to say? I distrust people left and right. It sucks to live like this, but the construct of society and all that comes out of it, is bollocks to me.
    I haven't had true friendship in decades. Honestly I don't know what that entails. Most of my life I have been afraid of this world and on guard.
    People are generally rude to my perception.

    A few days ago I sat in what I'd call a UFO circle. It was directly near a corn field that was marked by crop circles. It was at the borderlands between Germany and the Netherlands and I perceived scenes of war. In fact I was amidst of it. I couldn't go on and sat there for a while on a park bench crying and oozing. In the air I could hear the war going on. People digitally dropboxing files caused precision bombs to fall on rooftops, EMP'ing households, shutting them off from the internet.
    In hindsight I'd say I was shown something in my spirit. The area actually must've been battleground during WW2, being one of the many forest trails leading back to the Netherlands. It was like the war is still going spiritually. The nazi spirit (folk supremacy) was still there, so is the sweeping hatred of the communist collective. The hive mind, as you will. Fear is underneath it all. Needless to say I perceived all of this and more in a state of despair.

    "Cease the war inside yourself, strengthen your backbone."

    Something I wrote a few years back. Maybe it's of use to somebody.
    Oh, and on a very practical note: Whenever you perceive lust within your body, breath that feeling into your heart with the intention of getting rid of it. Demons will come loose and things will get easier. Thats a promise.

    Joost
     
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  6. Joost

    Joost New Member

    My previous post I had actually wanted to use to explain the title of this journal.

    I named it "Out of the Question" because many of us are living life from inside the question zone.
    Don't get me wrong, questioning is good and valuable, but I find nowadays people are hooked on a vain search for answers for their identity crisis, and the search engine is often their starting point. The result: They consume large amounts of information without getting any real answers or reaching critical conclusions.

    On the other hand, porn is out of the question for me.

    I hope that explains it.
     
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  7. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 19

    I blew the lid off after 18 days. There is hardly an active recovery when you're alone all the time.
    Now I feel as shit, as the night of sleep was. Mainly shame for having giving in and not having self-control.

    Loneliness that's the killer, as a song from ATB goes.

    What I desire is a quiet life away from online activity and societal madness. Greenery, animals, a land to work on. A wife to protect.
    I don't care much for people anymore. To sick of it all.
     
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  8. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    Failure is not the same as defeat. The only way to lose is to give up. Keep pushing forward my friend, you can do this. We are in this together.
     
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  9. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Keep going bud.

    I’m in this with you and going through the same.

    We are strong enough to guide our destiny.

    LETS DO IT BROTHA
     
  10. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Haha you guys are funny.
    If my boat sinks, it sinks. Nobody is there with me. :rolleyes:
     
  11. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 23

    What I hate most is to be in this schizophrenic mindset between Saint and Sinner. I read posts where I come across as pious and i'm disgusted by it. Father forgive me this and that... *puke*
    It's this weird marriage of opposing worlds that bugs the shit out of me. It's not who I am. Its learned behavior.

    There is a way where I am myself and that's with God on the narrow path. It's a road that goes right in between the polar opposites.
    I encountered the same dichotomy when I was studying and practicing Magick. There's is the left hand and the right hand path. But it was always obvious to me, that there's also supposed to be a middle path. That's the narrow path, where you aren't pretending, but you're real. And that's always where God is.

    This whole crap about not masturbating. I mean ideally, you don't. You grow a pure heart and love blossoms in your chest. We have to deal with these feelings. The ones we are surpressing by masturbation. Because thats what I realized; its simply a compulsive act to flush out feelings we are afraid of. Emotions we haven't learned how to deal with. It's like loudly singing LALALALA overruling whatever whisper of the heart, you don't want to hear.

    Joost
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2020
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  12. Joost

    Joost New Member

    I thought I share this piece. It's about my trip to the States earlier this year.
    I think it carries some relevancy to the whole topic of pornography and catering to a woman's wants, instead of being the man you're supposed to be.


    One Call Away

    It must've been quite the peculiar sight when I set foot in Hannamill Dr. that final morning of my America adventure.
    I'd seen the ghetto's, walked the dashlanes and slept the motels. Hell, I even hiked down Kennesaw Mountain in the middle of the night because I was unable to sleep at the cold ridge.
    But walking into this quiet suburban neighbourhood wearing a neat grey collarshirt in combination with tracker pants and a large backpack, I began to experience some nervousness.
    The properties here were extra American large. No one came here by foot and most definitely not to ring unannounced at the doorbell of the mother who's daughter you had been secretly online-chatting with. But, this was it. Moment of truth.
    Funny enough the jamaican taxi-driver who had dropped me off had given me the precise rundown of what would happen.
    Telling him about my trip, he had gone off in a rant about woman and how eager they were to call the cops on you. I'd let him spew his frustration, while I occupied my peaceful spot of heart where the battle of the sexes didn't reign.
    A little later I stepped on the veranda and knocked the door. Weird to think, I had already been there on the inside of the house.
    A friend of the family opened the door. I told her I knew Faith from way back and came her to talk with Mum's. She told me to wait and disappeared.
    I counted the moment. Actually I was proud I finally was here. Then the door swung open again and I stood face to face with the mother who's daughter I had been secretly close with for years.
    I immediately saw this wasn't going to work. Fear. Unfortunately. "Hi, my name is Joost. I know Faith from way back." I began.
    "Yeah, I know who you are." Already holding a phone she told me to leave or she'd call the cops. Fine. I was going to stay gentle. As much as I had hoped for a conversation, I wasn't going to push in any way.
    Apparentely I was already branded. The odds and when they are against you.. Truth be said, I was a tad bit afraid I'd end up in an American jail for falling for a girl half my age.
    I walked off with a sober conscience and before I had reached the end of the street I was greeted by a police car. The female officer took a look at my ID and asked what I was doing here. I told her, plain and simple. And that was that.
    That same day I flew back to the Netherlands. No, I hadn't gotten what I had hoped for, but I had done what God had put upon my heart. Despite everyone intimately involved telling me not to. The odds, and when they are against you.
    I had peace on my way back. And joy. I danced the waiting halls in Atlanta airport. Only to return into a Netherlands on lockdown. Unfortunately. Fear.
     
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  13. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Another day

    I'm seriously starting to notice the results being completely impulse driven for so long, now its getting better.
    There still is this hot pursuit short circuit in my brain, except now im acting out crazy in nonsexual ways.
    Last night I left my home to hike the woods. I ended up on a horse farm which I thought was forsaken due to war. At daylight I started dragging log building materials towards a field. Then I noticed a guy feeding the horses. I simply went on with my activity carrying stuff around, passing several people who assumed I was employed there. Until they noticed what exactly I was doing. Ouch, they were pissed. So I had to bring all the wood back (another hour of work) plus they called the cops on me. Well, I got away with it, but this isnt good as much as it makes for a good tale.

    I dont function well in society. Im too honest for it and too modest. There's some fals humility.
    Not how God wants me to be. He likes me true, not false.

    Oh yeah about masterbation. Im beginning to think its actually cool with God. The whole point is, we're all in a deep sleep and have forgotten our true equal, the woman that was taken out from you. The problem is in desiring other women, out of fear for meeting your completion in feminine form. So my advice, masturbate to remember who you truly are and dont fool yourself. Come down of that high horse :D
     
  14. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Update

    Yeah, update. Im back to living without internet at home. Its the second time im doing it this way and it feels like the right thing.
    This post im writing from a library computer, which is where I do whatever I need or want to do, online. Except watching porn, off course, you pervert :D
    No seriously it's good to have a distance to the internet. It gives you a new perspective and what I've learned so far, is that we really do not need it. But yeah it's like everything else human beings get used to; it becomes a way of life.

    I'm planning to start a blog again, cause writing is my thing.
    Other than that, I have some people on my back, who intend to get me to medicate against psychosis. I dont want to start a whole discussion, but im not to happy with it.
    I feel like the posterboy of the last remnant of sanity against a society who as a whole embraces to pop pills against this that and the other.

    Don|t mess with my serotonin receptors, you quacks!

     
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  15. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Have you been filling your time with more production stuff, now you have banished the internet?
     
  16. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Not necessarily, but I don't think being productive is what life should be determined by.
     
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  17. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Because sharing is caring. Sometimes at least.

     
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