Out of the Question

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Joost, Jun 19, 2020.

  1. Joost

    Joost New Member


    I'm Joost. I'm 32. Currently i'm in a bad space. I haven't eaten properly in days and im just sort of hanging on-line. I can hardly get myself to do anything constructive.

    Addiction is a loss of voice. You're devoted to this 'thing', this object of desire, that you have given IT your voice, casting yourself aside. What a tragic loss. To give up the truth of who we are for a mental obsession. Alas, here we are again, 2020, for another journal.

  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Go find food and eat. No sense doing anything on an empty stomach. At times physical needs get neglected, okay, but kindly remedy that first.

    :3 Also, welcome!
  3. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 5

    Selecting people by their looks can be a real b*tch. You get indwelled with a certain type of demon and im not talking about a Ku Kux Clan ghost. (joke aside)
    But yeah, isn't that what we do, browsing the porn galleries, for the right picture?

    Forgive me Father, for all those times, i've eyed at a woman to 'make her mine.'
    NewStart19 likes this.
  4. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I like how you did something creative in response to your addiction. This is something I have considered as an option when feeling urges or withdrawals, but have yet to actually do. I may just fundamentally be an uncreative person. I hope it is something you can turn to more and more on your recovery journey.

    Take care
  5. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 16

    Thank you. It's one of the ways I cope with reality. There's no such thing as a fundamentally uncreative person. Thats just what you believe about yourself. In reality you are full of creativity, because you are a created being. Logic. :)

    I'm currently having a hard time being honest. I don't won't to let go of the past. Sigh..
    What's to say? I distrust people left and right. It sucks to live like this, but the construct of society and all that comes out of it, is bollocks to me.
    I haven't had true friendship in decades. Honestly I don't know what that entails. Most of my life I have been afraid of this world and on guard.
    People are generally rude to my perception.

    A few days ago I sat in what I'd call a UFO circle. It was directly near a corn field that was marked by crop circles. It was at the borderlands between Germany and the Netherlands and I perceived scenes of war. In fact I was amidst of it. I couldn't go on and sat there for a while on a park bench crying and oozing. In the air I could hear the war going on. People digitally dropboxing files caused precision bombs to fall on rooftops, EMP'ing households, shutting them off from the internet.
    In hindsight I'd say I was shown something in my spirit. The area actually must've been battleground during WW2, being one of the many forest trails leading back to the Netherlands. It was like the war is still going spiritually. The nazi spirit (folk supremacy) was still there, so is the sweeping hatred of the communist collective. The hive mind, as you will. Fear is underneath it all. Needless to say I perceived all of this and more in a state of despair.

    "Cease the war inside yourself, strengthen your backbone."

    Something I wrote a few years back. Maybe it's of use to somebody.
    Oh, and on a very practical note: Whenever you perceive lust within your body, breath that feeling into your heart with the intention of getting rid of it. Demons will come loose and things will get easier. Thats a promise.

    NewStart19 likes this.
  6. Joost

    Joost New Member

    My previous post I had actually wanted to use to explain the title of this journal.

    I named it "Out of the Question" because many of us are living life from inside the question zone.
    Don't get me wrong, questioning is good and valuable, but I find nowadays people are hooked on a vain search for answers for their identity crisis, and the search engine is often their starting point. The result: They consume large amounts of information without getting any real answers or reaching critical conclusions.

    On the other hand, porn is out of the question for me.

    I hope that explains it.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  7. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Day 19

    I blew the lid off after 18 days. There is hardly an active recovery when you're alone all the time.
    Now I feel as shit, as the night of sleep was. Mainly shame for having giving in and not having self-control.

    Loneliness that's the killer, as a song from ATB goes.

    What I desire is a quiet life away from online activity and societal madness. Greenery, animals, a land to work on. A wife to protect.
    I don't care much for people anymore. To sick of it all.
  8. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    Failure is not the same as defeat. The only way to lose is to give up. Keep pushing forward my friend, you can do this. We are in this together.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.

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