Out from a ditch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Livetolive, Dec 30, 2018.

  1. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    It's been a a few months, no a year.. what does it matter. I haven't posted since asas lo as I can remember. The past few weeks feel like a blur. Not anything hazy or vague but feels like it's gone by almost instantly.

    I've relapsed over and over again. No not simply viewing pornography but something worse. It feels weird like waking up from a drunken stuper only much worse. I could describe it as watching myself spiral into self destruction. I knew it was happening I wanted to stop it but I couldn't.

    I suppose I should start with a trigger warning since I'm going to go into detail just a little bit. I've indulged in voyeurism a lot in my recent relapsed. The power the performer had over the veiwer, I wanted that...

    It happened so fast. I recalled in my past indulgences men, who would be undressed in front of random women whether it be omeagle or Skype. They would tantalize, tease almost like sorcery. It's no different than what cam models do however there is no monetary benefit just pure...pleasure.

    I started with a few pics, my face hidden of course. Then the messages came, begging for more. I obliged of course. Enveloping them in a tantilizing spell. This went on for weeks until my senses returned to me.

    Some of these women professionals, who you'd never think twice would ever even think or say some of the things they said. The lust, the desperation. Too often are we quick to underestimate the power of the fallen human nature.

    The horror of the realization that what I had done, what I had become to my captive audience. I had become the enemy I was trying to overcome. The power I felt when I revealed myself to these women was insatiable...demonic.

    Demonic possession? Actually No there's no need to possess someone collapsing and spiraling into self destruction. What good would an invading force be to a city rending itself apart? They would by default, become pillagers instead.

    I shudder to think the long term effects of what I had done... To become the monster or part of the monster this forum stands in opposition to. I write this now not to garner sympathy or a pat on the back. I write this now to face what I've become. And encourage those who read this to take head lest you fall. You are here to overcome sexual addiction, not just simply refraining yourself from an indecent act for a period of time society deems acceptable.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome back man. To me it doesnt so much worse than pornography what you did. What is your strategy to overcome your addiction as of now?
  3. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    As of now it's to reach out to communities like these more often (post more). I've reached out to people in my life and confessed andbconfided inithem but it feels like going to a mechanic with kidney problems, they don't know what to do except say hang in there lol.

    For now I have to avoid things like dating apps cause it can also be a trigger. Pretty much keeping myself occupied with healthier hobbies. Nothing you can do about PMO thoughts except let them pass.
  4. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Have you ever felt so worthless, like you don't deserve anything good anymore? Feel as though this year ended with me tumbling down a hill... Serious bouts of depression. Sl

    Separating yourself from your own biology and observing how your body chemistry effects how you think and feel. How a mind warped and twisted by PMO distorts your veiws of attraction and your self worth.

    The human psychology is a fascinating thing.
  5. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Relapsed... Depression hit hard when I found out the girl I was into was seeing someone after new years. I'll write more about it later...
  6. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Hi @Livetolive, I've watched cam sites and found them as addictive as ordinary porn. Do you feel that performing to others is as addictive as watching?

    Definitely. Are you receiving treatment for depression?

    This happened to me almost 20 years ago and sent me into a downward spiral. What I was too shy to do then (and only just learning how to do now) was talk to plenty of other girls to see that this one in particular really wasn't that special.
  7. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Yes. The power you have over them as you feed on their desperation. It's disturbing and evil

    Other than going to the gym and keeping myself occupied.

    True that, it also helps that I unfriended her from Facebook and stopped stalking her like a creep lol.

    And yeah you feel bad because you think they are extra special and you're "destined" to be together. I've come to believe that there's not that "one special girl"that's reserved especially for you and for women vice versa. You just have to find someone you're compatible with. And even if you go through and are rejected by 20 girls there's always 100 more that are probably 100 times better suited for you.
    Londoner likes this.
  8. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Almost resorted to showing naked pics of myself again. Learned something profound.

    Was chatting someone up on a dating site, sent them some pics (not completely naked but teasing). They weren't too happy about it and stopped talking. Really have no idea what came over me.

    Not talking to the girl anymore wasn't really a big deal but it just made me understand something. No matter how smooth you think you are with women, porn can twist your mind in ways you won't even realize.

    Any game you might have goes out the window when porn thoughts take over. You start feeling self conscious and a whole slew of thoughts enter your mind..

    Deleted that dating profile I made... I think I'm going to stay away from dating sites for at least a week...
  9. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Urges seem to come the strongest after waking up...had to jump out of bed before they took over. I guess the key is to keep moving.
  10. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Urges seem to come the strongest after waking up...had to jump out of bed before they took over. I guess the key is to keep moving.

    "You can't sin and run at the same time..."
    Or so it goes...
  11. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Urges seem to come the strongest after waking up...had to jump out of bed before they took over. I guess the key is to keep moving.

    "You can't sin and run at the same time..."
    Or so it goes...
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2019
  12. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Almost relapsed but managed to obstain. Don't no how I managed to short of a miracle.
    In any case we need to press on.
    Londoner likes this.
  13. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Relapsed a bit and went on a small binge last week. Got back up been 5 days without incident. At the gym feel very sluggish. Feel as if everything seems hopeless. However I've resolved to press on regardless about how I feel.

    Gonna push out this workout even if it kills me
  14. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Haven't been posting for a long time. With the onset of constant relapses (relapsed just yesterday) I figured it's time to get back as a sort of accountability. Will keep up to date.
  15. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Been 1 day since incident. Thoughts come racing through my mind. It's normal, the important thing is to not let them nest and never give your a addiction foothold, not even an inch.
  16. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    In the moment, we think nothing and feel nothing. It's like hunger you don't care what you feed it of only to satiate the feeling.

    Inclined to our own feelings and sensations we care for nothing else. We humans are wretched things...
  17. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Been having trouble keeping a streak up. Its the moments when I'm alone with my head. It's mostly at night. I know it's commonly said to never leave your mind idle but what do we do at night?
  18. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    I'm also going to report here every 2 days. Sort of an accountability thing.
  19. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Been two days since relapse. Experiencing a barrage of "porn" thoughts rushing into my head. Feeling like crap for most of the day. I was listening to a podcast where they were talking about things like depression, drugs overeating, basically things that get us to binge and overindulgence.

    One of the guys on the podcast was saying something along the lines of: we resort of over eating and drug or alcohol abuse simply because the pain we experience feels infinite like our mind telling us we're always gonna feel this way. We just have to remember that we experience peaks and valleys in our emotions. That we won't be down forever. I guess how long we hang around feeling sorry for ourselves is up to us.
  20. Livetolive

    Livetolive Member

    Not sure if it's anyone else but my mind seems to be instinctively looking for triggers. It's summer now and as I drive by crowded bus stops I find my eyes wondering looking for women wearing anything shorts or mini skirts. I even notice a part of my mind looking for anything provocative simultaneously while I'm conciously searching for a specific show on Netflix (non porn obviously).

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