Onwards [Week 1]

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by osiris, Apr 25, 2012.

  1. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Hi everybody,

    About myself

    I'm a 20 year old student with masturbation/pornography addiction.

    It started, like most guys, with magazines at around age 11-12 gradually escalating in teenage years with the advent of broadband Internet. Only around age 18 did I realise the error of ways and the dangers of this now matured obsession. I began searching for solutions.

    Experiences

    Throughout my teenage years I had anxiety talking to girls I found attractive, luckily my friends & social circles somewhat forced this out of me, however I am still a virgin with little experience of relationships. The closest I've come to sex is kissing & touching. Before discovering YBOP, reuniting.info & other similar resources I have had varying successes with giving up PMO.

    I always was lead to believe that masturbation healthy with no significant drawbacks. This clearly contradicted with the strong feelings of regret and shame I would feel after the act. The main aspects in my acceptance of this addiction were:

    - The feelings I felt after indulging
    - The crippling effects of these feelings
    - The irrationality of my further indulgence despite these feelings

    Attempts

    I have always found it easiest to give up for long periods when I have less stress, like holidays. My longest recorded no PMO attempt has been 26 days (March 1st-26th 2012). Before this attempt I would struggle to go for periods of 2-3 weeks (max) without PMO. These attempts showed me positive benefits of no PMO before I visited sites like YBOP. I just tended to feel better and be more productive when I wasn't PMO'ing. I only discovered YBOP/reuniting around a month or so ago.

    Benefits experienced (no PMO, in my experience)

    - Increased confidence & less hesitation/anxiety in most situations.
    - More vitality, ability to get up earlier, train consistently and achieve goals.
    - Heightened awareness of surroundings & during social interaction.

    Drawbacks experienced (no PMO, in my experience)

    - After around ~ 2 weeks sometimes I would get peevish/irritable at other people.
    - Mild aching pain in genital area (only temporary).
    - 'Chaser-effect' after wet-dreams.
    - Spontaneous erections from the slightest interaction with attractive women (& I work with lots of attractive women so you can hopefully understand my dilemma).

    Views

    In my experience, mainstream society doesn't really offer much sympathy for this addiction (which is the unwitting affliction of so many) so I turned to my familiar companion; the internet. This journal will serve as a diary of progress and subsequent entries will hopefully highlight issues others will be familiar with.

    I have read around the subject of addiction and I believe there is no single solution, just pointers in the right direction. However I feel better for having started this journal, anyone considering starting one I'd say go for it since you have nothing to lose.

    Goals

    Some theories say that telling others your goals reduces your chances of success:

    http://www.ted.com/talks/derek_sivers_keep_your_goals_to_yourself.html

    However I feel accountable to others within this group and I want to be as truthful as possible so I'll make my goals clear.

    - 90 Days no PMO

    Other goals will be added as appropriate

    This is by no means my full story, I have a lot to say on the subject covered and many related issues. I am very interested to hear stories similar & different to my own and I welcome any comments and advice.

    Thanks.

    PS this is only my story, reading through others has shown me that our problems, although similar in some aspects, are very diverse. I encourage others to comment even if my story sounds completely different to yours we may have something in common, try me.
     
  2. Ryan0657

    Ryan0657 Member

    Re: Beyond Infinity [Day 1]

    Welcome to the brotherhood, Osiris.
    It's great that you're tackling this demon while still relatively young. It's pretty crazy how the poison of PMO can really have long term detrimental effects on the male mind and body.

    This journal, at least for the last few days that I've been on here, has been a source of support, information and direction, especially when my urges start kicking around. I like this 90 Day no PMO in order to reboot. Being just into my 4th day, I'm gonna share this same goal if you don't mind.

    I'll be visiting your journal periodically to check on your progress and to use for my own personal motivation just the same. Stay on point, my brother. We can all defeat our demons together.
     
  3. geordie

    geordie New Member

    Re: Beyond Infinity [Day 1]

    welcome and good on you for dealing with this at such a young age.

    your spot on. we are all different but all have many positive things to share

    good luck
     
  4. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Re: Ryan0657

    Ryan0657,

    Thanks for the encouragement and I hope I can provide the same sort of encouragement for you and others. Another resource I've been using which I recommend is reuniting.info. It's quite information heavy but have a look when you have time, there are a lot of real gems there which have answered many questions I had in my head, if you haven't seen it already hope it helps.
     
  5. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Re: Onwards [Day 1]

    Day 2

    Still on this, have been tempted to relapse but feel OK. I feel like I have a lot of brain fog. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clouding_of_consciousness)

    I also can't help feeling how I've been held back by this "clouding of consciousness" - for ~7 years (excluding periods of conscious abstinence from PMO) this lack of clarity in thought is bound to have influenced nearly all my decisions, thoughts and motivations. From the outside (to most people who don't know me that well), I would appear to be quite level-headed, hard-working & successful for my circumstances. People closer to me (family/friends) tend to respect me, however nobody knows of this secret part of my life which is the genesis of many of my darkest thoughts and feelings. As a result the only version of me people know is that which I choose to display to them. Repression of this part of my life is something I don't want to have to deal with - I think this is partly what clouds my consciousness.

    I seek the clarity beyond this fog & hope to find the real version of myself, this both frightens & excites me because I don't know where it will lead. PMO or indeed any addiction, I find, puts me in a state. While in this state I find it more difficult to learn, be creative and make informed decisions. I feel compromised. Periods of abstinence have been (for me) my most productive periods of recent time, I just get more done and have a more positive outlook.

    This is only my experience and I don't claim this to be true of everyone, however I have read some similar accounts. This journey, for me is only the first step to one important goal: being able to express oneself freely in any situation.

    Enjoy reading & I hope this helps anyone in a situation similar to my own. Any comments/criticisms are welcome.
     
  6. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Day 5

    Since my last post there has been one mild/moderate instance of temptation. I thought about it and decided almost immediately not to act, too much to lose.

    The brain-fog has alleviated somewhat so my thoughts are more lucid and I can trust my judgment & concentrate more. I have been able to express myself more clearly. This has manifested as an increase in my desire for balance in many aspects. It's easy to go through your day to day existence on autopilot, unaware of how many factors are influencing you. I find when no PMO'ing I'm simply more aware of this.

    I've been reading through some other journals, this has helped me get a sense of perspective. Although this is my experience many of the features I've had are shared with others. For example I didn't know there was a term for the discomfort I sometimes experience when no PMO'ing (blue balls) & the remedies outlined have helped me. I've also been referring to reuniting.info for more general articles.

    If I could sum up my feelings right now in two words: 1. optimistic, 2. aware. Right now I'm keeping my entries concise to provide snapshots of my views at different periods. I will elaborate more if there are particular issues.
     
  7. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Day 9

    I'm going to start posting more frequently. I've had urges which I've mostly controlled over the past 4 days, my method: being present and recognising thought patterns & traps I could fall into. My recollection of the 4 days since my last post is relatively positive, though if I post more frequently I can be more specific about certain days & I think this will be of benefit.

    I have less brain fog, my thoughts are more coherent and clear. The rate of improvement in this areas seems steady but is slowing slightly. I find it easier to make reasoned decisions now. Like something as simple as going for some exercise, before I would think of a multitude of eventualities instead of just leaving there & then. In other areas too, such as study - I am facing my problems, instead of hiding them behind a wall of thought & indecision. Daydreams are less frequent as a result of heightened awareness, night dreams are more vivid/memorable - not sure why this is but I'll investigate.

    Flatlining? :

    Today I felt quite vulnerable at times, normally if in a bad mood I can quite easily avoid social contact with no worries (while being quite prickly) & get on with my day without fully realising the effects of my behaviour. However today, I had a slight epiphany. I recognised this same dull melancholic feeling, from previous reboots & periods of PMO. This vulnerability can manifest in me as despondency, agression or reckless behaviour (nothing too severe). In this state I often find myself questioning (with contempt) anything & everything possible around me. I suppose what I realised was something like this: audio visual stimulation is just an escape & when my real life does not match this escape I try to find things to fill this void - the reboot doesn't originate from the actual act of PMO but when I lose patience with this journey thus prompting the derisive attitude. For me this applies to porn, social media, television, advertising etc. I realised I've just got to be more patient & less pissy.

    I agree with the general consensus that all reboots are different, before YBOP & reuniting/rebalanced my 'reboots' (though less-informed) still provided me with tools I use now. The same approach won't work for everyone but the key is to match your approach to your circumstance, this can change in the blink of an eye, your reaction must match. I recognise & avoid situations which risk putting me in the wrong mental state & try to monitor this state frequently.
     
  8. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Day 12

    Extremely horny & tempted. Haven't edged but mental cues are popping up more & more. Keep getting semis, cold shower?. I think I know how I've got in this state, bad diet & sleeping pattern for 2 consecutive days so I'm a little off balance. At the moment I'm more anxious than I'd like to be since I've allowed some work to pile up. On top of that I haven't stuck to my guns on some key decisions to do with self control (said I'd leave somewhere at a certain time & get some work done but stayed & enjoyed myself then forgot ignored the commitment).

    Gonna tidy up my room and do some work, I feel like I'm hypersensitive right now. Hopefully I can convert this raging man-energy into some work of genius. Onwards
     
  9. osiris

    osiris New Member

    Gave in, very disappointed. No excuses but here are contributing factors I can learn from.

    1. Exam stress, I've pretty much been ignoring my revision & after a short illness got too used to staying at home.
    2. Not really having any long term goals in general.
    3. Not posting frequently enough.

    Solutions:

    1. I'm pretty much screwed in terms of my exams but I can remedy this next year, just have to make sure I don't let things get on top of me because other issues will then pile up.

    2. After some serious consideration I've decided to make some long/short term goals to increase my accountability.

    3. I will post more frequently.

    4. After this stressful period I will limit my internet/computer use to this forum only.

    I'm genuinely disappointed with this latest relapse as it's the first since I've started posting. However this forum is a rock for me & I'm grateful that I've found it. Problems I faced throughout this year & last (linked to PMO) are all explained. With the knowledge & encouragement gained here on a daily/weekly basis I hope to be able to reverse my woes. Onwards
     
  10. Rebornzt

    Rebornzt New Member

    I unfortunately think we lost our buddy Osiris. Hope he will be back and succeed in this
     

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