Onwards and Upwards

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by efftrot, Jan 3, 2014.

  1. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    Today I decided to create a journal.

    I am 30 years old and have used PMO daily since I was in my early teens. I have experienced ED in most of the sexual situations with women that I have found myself in over the years, including with women that I was attracted to. My first experience of this was in my early 20s, after nearly a decade of PMO. This has been confusing and deeply embarrassing and has left me feeling badly about myself and my prospects of finding a loving relationship. Little blue pills were a crutch, and I used these with a girlfriend that I had in 2012. We separated when I moved for work, and now that I would like to find a new relationship I am discouraged from trying by the ED experiences of the past. I was so happy to find this website, the "Your Brain on Porn" website, and that there is a connection between pornography use and ED.

    Outside of the PMO and the resulting absence of real intimacy, my life is pretty good. But, the past few months have not been so good as I've become more and more anxious about the possibility that I won't have the courage to start a relationship knowing that I may not be able to perform sexually.

    I still have many questions, and I know that it will not be easy to put PMO behind me after so many years, but I am most grateful that there is a community of people who are overcoming this obstacle to having a full life. I have been PMO free for the past couple of days, and I'm looking forward to documenting how things change as more time passes!
  2. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Welcome, WholeNote! Your story really resonates with me. I completely relate to your fear of starting something with someone because of ED. That's been my own experience for the past decade or more.

    I've been at this reboot thing for a little while now. Went hardmode about two months ago and have just gotten to 45 days without orgasm. But even with this time under my belt, I'm afraid to actually follow through with meeting someone because of the ED. It just undermines my confidence completely.

    Have hit a rough patch lately in my recovery and could use a little more support, which is why I'm reaching out. Support is key in this. Starting a journal and commenting on other people's posts have helped immeasurably. Looking forward to following your progress in the days/weeks ahead.
  3. NewLeaseOnLife

    NewLeaseOnLife New Member

    Human and I have both had our problems for a long time, we should all keep an eye on each other.
  4. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    Thanks for the notes Human and NewLease. I enjoyed reading the journals that you guys have put up. Congratulations to both of you on your progress!
  5. Eros29

    Eros29 New Member

    Hi my friend I am in your exact same situation and I am sure that thousands of other men out there as well. I tried sexual enhancement pills as well to realize that it wasn't the answer. I am turning 30 soon and I don't want to spend my 30s as I did on my 20s. This, what we have is a real problem that needs working on. Good luck on your journey, the more of us with success stories the better for the rest that are struggling with this disease.
  6. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 5

    Still feeling neutral. I remembered my dreams from last night, which hasn't happened for a while. Was dancing yesterday with some attractive girls. Was fun, but I didn't feel much of anything. I used to think that PMO was an advantage because it removed any "power" that real women had over me by virtue of their looks. What an awful misunderstanding.

    Visiting this site in the morning gives me motivation. Next I'll work on the piano for a while. After that, I'll go into work to get some stuff done before the new week begins...
  7. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    I find that a consistent morning routine makes all the difference in the world in my life and my sense of balance. It's been a grounding force when things during my reboot get tough. I usually journal by hand then check the forum. Going to Mass has also helped me structure my weekend and my week. There's something very grounding about the weekly ritual of it. Anyhow, sounds like you're doing great. Hang in there!
  8. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 6

    Woke up in the middle of the night with an erection as the result of a dream. Didn't MO. A while later I woke up with a splitting headache. It passed pretty quickly, and I'm not sure if the two are connected.

    I'm generally feeling pretty good about life, much better than I was around Christmas. I don't know if this is related to nofap. Either way, it is good news. But, I do need to get out and socialize more...
  9. NewLeaseOnLife

    NewLeaseOnLife New Member

    Let your anxieties go for a while--you'll be a little asexual for a while while you are sorting this out. After that, you won't have much to be anxious about.
  10. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 7

    Yesterday was good - I was more motivated at work and in general than I've been in a while. Yeah, NewLease, asexual is a pretty good word for how it feels. Ran into what I thought would be a trigger while listening to the radio, but still felt nothing.

    I'm happy to have made it so far. I don't know for sure, but one week is likely the longest I've gone since my teenage years.

    I've been using the time I've saved from PMOing to play the keyboard. Started learning it last summer, and I've just about finished working through the intro book that I bought. The playing gives me a happy feeling, probably dopamine, especially when I am able to learn a new piece and play in through a few times.

    What has happened to me in the past with sexual situations is that I get turned on by kissing, but then lose it when we try to escalate - and we cuddle instead. I do remember the first time that I got turned on by kissing a girl, in my early 20s, and how different it felt from getting turned on by porn. What might be happening is that the natural wiring works from the novelty of the initial physical contact, but then doesn't continue to work because it doesn't have the visual/physical stimulus that it is used to. I used to think that it was performance anxiety, but when it happened a couple of times when I was completely relaxed with my ex girlfriend, then I knew it probably wasn't anxiety.

    Okay - I have to get to work. Thanks for the comments!
  11. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 8

    I dreamed that I MOed out of habit and, in the dream, was upset with myself. Was glad when I woke up and realized that it was just a dream.

    Yesterday I heard a radio bit about self control. The researchers being interviewed indicated that self control is like a muscle in that you become better at using it through exercise.

    Am going to see my pdoc tomorrow. It would like to talk with her about rebooting, but am concerned that it will be awkward. I'm curious to see how she will respond, as I don't think that sex issues are her specialty. For some reason, I always think that women will be grossed out if I mention porn or MO. I suppose that each woman is different though.
  12. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 9

    I just had a long conversation with a therapist about my PIED. It was surprisingly easy to talk about it with her, and she didn't seem to be judging me. While I don't think that I can gain any great insights from her on my issue (she didn't seem familiar with the connection between porn and ED), it felt good to talk with someone about these topics and not experience rejection. I'll see her again in two weeks. Having an appointment scheduled is another source of accountability with respect to avoiding PMO.

    Surprisingly, I still feel no urge to PMO. I have some anxiety that a girl I'm getting to know will try to initiate something before I'm rebooted, but I figure that it would be a while before we would be ready for sex. She doesn't seem like a gossipy type, so I would probably be comfortable letting her know that I'm putting sexual thoughts on hold for a while. Maybe I should just enjoy the process of getting to know someone... But, enough of that.

    I have been letting myself slip up with respect to eating and exercise, and have gained some weight over the past couple of months. I'd like to work on that too, but was thinking that one goal (no PMO) would be enough at this time. But, perhaps I can do both at the same time. Good health and no PMO. Wouldn't that be great!
  13. Todz

    Todz New Member

    can totally relate to your situations, seem very similar to mine. I am afraid this girl I am seeing atm will not be so willing to wait. It would've been so much better to be cured of this and meet her in that time window, but it is what it is. :-\
    If I couldn't get it up in the past I could always blame it on drinking, but when doing it with somone you care about you just cannot get drunk as f*** to bad and shrug it off as such. I have anxiety in advance which probalby makes things even worse :-\
  14. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 10

    Thanks for the note Todz. It is good to know that when we overcome this, we'll be able to look forward to sexual interactions rather than fear them.

    I was feeling pretty bad last night because of some people situations. I sometimes feel that I am buffeted along by social situations rather than shaping them. In any case, I came home last night feeling lousy, and my remedy for that has alway been PMO.

    But, I resisted and am glad that I did. Instead of PMOing, I read on my kindle for a while before going to sleep. It didn't make me feel "better" the way that PMOing does, but I am very glad to have started to break the association. This rebooting process feels like a series of temporary sacrifices in the interest of long term health.
  15. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    Spent the day dwelling on stuff and being depressed. Not very productive at work. I am going out tonight with my cousin and her friend, so that should distract me. Not sure if the depressing feeling is related to stopping the PMO.

    I should be happy about my life. I have most of the things I could want: a apartment to live in, a car, and a stable job. I don't really have friends as such, but I do have social interactions with people pretty regularly. Why the heck am I so gloomy...grr...I should be enjoying life...

    I ordered a jigsaw puzzle the other day so that if a girl comes over we'll have something to do together. Thought that it might be fun and more interactive than watching netflix.
  16. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 11

    I'm still going strong in the PMO department. Was feeling terrible last night, even around people, but woke up in a somewhat better mood. Still feeling down because I realize that this will be a long path to psychosexual wellness. Even though I don't have urges, my brain/body is responding to me removing the PMO routine.

    Was talking to a guy at work about a gym that he goes to. It seems like that would be a healthy thing to do. I decided that heading there will be my reward for getting to 30 days.
  17. This sounds like a huge win!!! I am new here, but around 10 days in to quiting when I am motivated to quite has often been a hard time for me. I am super happy for you that you have made it there and are breaking the habbit of using PMO as compensation. That seems like a big step to me.
  18. efftrot

    efftrot New Member


    Having huge mood swings in the past few days. I'm blaming it on giving up PMO. Have also been drinking more than usual to cope with apparent flatlining. I've noticed that I've been fantasizing about non-sexual emotional situations - the sort of situation where you are connecting with someone. Maybe the alcohol is fueling this. I have the feeling that the risk of relapsing is lurking just beneath the surface of my present experience. It won't emerge unless I make the decision to return to old browsing behaviors.

    I have read a few posts recently about internet porn that I could definitely relate to. The idea that I would jerk off for a few minutes and then return to getting stuff done. Those few minutes were just an illusion of course. I'd end up spending at least half-an-hour, and then afterward I'd be unmotivated to do anything else.

    I feel like this is an important change. It is long overdue and I need all of the accountability that I can get in order to make it happen. That is why this anonymous journal is so helpful. Thanks for reading!
  19. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 12

    Woke up feeling sharp. I'm going to take advantage of the good feeling to get out and exercise!
  20. efftrot

    efftrot New Member

    DAY 13

    Sleeping well and feeling sharp. This is fantastic! Still feeling no desire for either PMO or real women. I guess I am settling into a flatline...

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