Onwards and Upwards

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by deadofwinter, Jul 5, 2020.

  1. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    This is my second thread on this forum. The first one was when I was 24 years old. This one.

    How I wish I could say I'm all clean as a 26 right now (27 in 5 days). I am not. Honestly, things got a bit worse even. From Femdom I managed to switch to Findom, which is basically a worse version of the former.
    It's a fetish/addiction in which the submissive male sends money to a pretty girl because "she deserves it more than he does" and because he is "just a loser". (wtf?!)

    3 years ago I wouldn't have understood how anyone could fall for such nonsense, but nevertheless here I am and I just relapsed by PMO'ing to weird femdom hypno audio while a Findom girl on Twitter DM 'made me' send her 50 dollars.

    Obviously I don't feel great right now. I had a 2-month streak going on and I was feeling super good in life. Things were turning around for me. Still, I managed to screw it up.

    I'm not gonna sit here feeling sorry for myself, I'm actually gonna forgive myself and move on. From now on I'll write about my journey to channel some of that extra energy that no PMO gives you. No more relapses from now on. I want to be free.

    Like an old friend that I met on my first thread often said: "onwards and upwards"

    My name is Mark and thank you everyone who is here on this forum to support each other. I wish you all luck!
  2. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    I do want to add that even though things got 'a bit worse' fetish wise. I think I'm still in a better place PMO wise and life-wise. I'm generally in a much happier place.
    200DaysMission likes this.
  3. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey mark, welcome back to the fight brother. I have never heard of findom, but it seems like a ridiculous racket. If you can, use technology to block those sites, so even if you are tempted to go back to it, you will have a website blocker on to hopefully catch yourself.

    The only comment I'd have to start you off is to find out where the lack of confidence stems from and try to resolve that. Because that may be your trigger.
  4. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    That's really good advice. I should probably talk to a professional. It's just such a hard step to take, but I do think it would help me.
  5. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Last night I fell again. I was feeling so good, doing nofap, noporn, everything. Then just one youtube video of a girl doing a "summerclothes haul" planted a seed which I couldn't stop help from growing.

    *warning: potential triggers for people into findom*
    I contacted a findomme online and she made me send 5 dollars over and over again. I think I lost like 50 bucks. Which is, you know, not the most insane amount of money, but I've never spent that much in one night, so it feels like a step in the wrong direction in what could be a very destructive addiction. The problem is that the addiction itself is a turn on and a trigger.

    Now that summer is here, every girl wearing a short skirt is basically a trigger for me where my brain just sees them as someone who would look down on me and would never date me. Which is ridiculous, because the girlfriends I've had in my life were beautiful humans (inside and outside).

    I'm a bit sad about this setback, but I know that if I don't go into a binge, it's really not that bad. But I can just feel my body want to binge more and get totally fucked up. UGH.

    I took a cold shower this morning and I'm going to go to my parents house this weekend, so hopefully that will help me stay clear of the evil.
    Speaking of evil, sometimes I wonder if this is something I should accept about myself and let myself indulge in it now and then, instead of this guilt trip I'm on now. But then I think: that might just be the addiction talking.

    Anyway. lot's to think about, I appreciate all help, it does really help to know there are others out there :)
    good luck everyone, and remember that you are a special human being and you have your own strengths and qualities. don't compare yourself too much with others.

  6. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    So this is something I notice myself doing quite a lot. For example, I lie in bed late at night with urges, my brain starts coming up with dumb stuff and the thing I always “fall” for is: “ok, I will just search on reddit for [fav fetish] and see how others deal with it”

    Then I read a few posts about how others struggle with that fetish, but really it’s just a step closer to relapsing because reading about it is already arousing. From there it’s easy to click on that one search result with the NSFW tag, and we all know where one goes from there.

    3 hours later you’ve relapsed and thinking “what happened?”

    I have to learn that I can’t trust anything my brain says when I’m having strong urges - maybe I need a list on paper of steps to follow or something. Any other tips?

    Thanks so much and good luck brothers!
  7. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Hi old friend:)

    Fancy seeing you here, and a new thread!
    I've similarly taken the step to return after a few years, and start journalling again with a clean slate.

    I'm sorry to hear that you think your addiction (and fetishes) has escalated.
    It's been a strange time, with the pandemic (and ALL of us spending so much time on the computer, I'm sure), but I'm hopeful for you that this will be a good time to get back on the horse, and inch yourself closer to where you want to be.
    Although, reading this new thread, compared to your old one, also makes it seem that you are much further along your path. And it's good to hear that you recognise this yourself.

    Stepping back onto YBR is nothing like a failure, and I'm really proud that you've taken that step, and have recognised that you will benefit from some support again, and some accountability.

    Looking forward to following your journey again,
    deadofwinter likes this.
  8. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Wow never expected to see you here again! :)
    Really curious how you are doing too. I see you updated your counter, amazing!

    Thanks so much for responding, what a motivational boost for me it was to see your avatar and name.


    It's been 3 weeks since I last did PMO (and findom) and it's been going better and better. I even went to a psychologist, to maybe find the root of most my troubles. The initial diagnose has to do something with a personality disorder (sounds worse than it is), which 'causes' a constant low self esteem.

    Anyway, they had to forward me to another psychologist because this one wasn't specialized in my stuff. It was super nice to talk to freely with someone, though. I just told everything and held nothing back, just like how I talk on these forums.

    I came across something triggering today in old photos, and the day has been a bit of a struggle because of that. I can feel my mind wander to 'that stuff' again and again. But I'm 100% positive I'm going to be strong and not give in. It's a mindset. I have goals, I have willpower, it will be fine. But I can't wait until this day is over! Haha!

    Anyway. Gotta go now, hope yall are doing well!

    (edit: I need to update my counter too, oops)
    200DaysMission likes this.
  9. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Really amazing stuff dude, and amazing to have an update.
    There is so much in these few sentences, about good steps you have taken, and things that you've achieved.
    Mega proud, and impressed.

    How do you feel about being diagnosed?

    Good luck for the rest of the day, and if you get through it then that is one more trigger which has officially become a little less triggering.
    Rooting for you!
  10. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Alright. I made it through yesterday! Which is nice. I'm officially 3 weeks """clean""" now.
    The trigger I saw yesterday is still lingering a bit in my mind, and I actually see the classic cycle play out in front of me:

    1 I feel the need to open reddit and scroll as long as I have to to see something triggering
    2 I feel the need to type certain random characters in my URL bar, hoping that I left something in my history that I can then 'accidentally' click on
    3 I feel the classic need to go to the discovery section of Instagram.

    I already did 2 and 3 today, ugh! Doesn't mean the end of the world, but it does indicate a bit of a danger zone. Trying to trick myself into relapsing, so dumb.
    Luckily, even writing it out like this really helps me see things clearer.

    I think something else that is in a weird way triggering to me is that I randomly wrote, recorded and released a song (in my own language and for the first time under my own name) about my country losing the European Championship (a soccer thing) yesterday. And my manager managed (lol) to get it on the radio twice in one day + the radio called me for an interview.
    It's really fun and exciting stuff, but all the responses are also just pure dopamine, which somehow makes me crave more dopamine (and class, where do people on this forum try to find their dopamine? that's right). But yeah, I will not give in.

    So... fun and weird times! I'm gonna go to my sister today and see my little nephew whom I love so so (so) much, it will be good to be out of the house.

    Stay strong, friends! <3
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2021
    200DaysMission likes this.
  11. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Well... not sure. I'm realizing more and more than I'm someone who kind of jokes about everything and doesn't take himself too seriously, which maybe causes me to have a blind spot about how serious my psychological 'problems' are. But idk, there's also this whole "when I'm on nofap I feel super good, but when I'm not I'd rather want to kill myself". Which I vocalized to the psychologist, but yeah we'll see. It's at least nice to talk to someone and know that the way I've been thinking about myself doesn't have to necessarily continue for the rest of my life! :)

    I thought about this a lot yesterday, made it much easier to fight against it. Thank you!
  12. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Glad you made it!
    And also personally, I found it very helpful to read your
    It sounds very familiar to lots of things I do, but I only properly realised it when I read it from you.
    Very interesting!

    And a mega congrats for the football song - that's so amazing how quickly all those things fell into place, the song and its reception.

    The dopamine replacement questions is hard, for sure...
    Nearly all mine are vices (unhealthy food and alcohol mainly), maybe the only completely wholesome one I have is speaking to strangers/making friends and good impressions. But I guess that even having a chocolate bar instead of browsing P is a good alternative. Maybe I will make myself that deal next time, haha.
    Do you have any alternatives?

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