Online Dating

Discussion in 'Internet Addiction' started by Imfree, Nov 29, 2014.

  1. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I've been on online dating a lot. I hated it from the start and resisted it for quite a while. A lot of people were trying to tell me that it was a good idea. They were almost saying that I would be a fool to not use it and that most people are meeting up that way these days. Online dating is the best example that I can think of for "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is".

    Online dating did get me laid by three different women, but it gave me a negative view on sex and women. Two of the three were absolute psychos. I mean really psycho. You can't even imagine. I literally hope that the one is dead because it's terrifying to think that there are people like that out in the world. The one was nice and normal, although things were really awkward and I could have done better.

    I don't see online dating as being too different from porn. It is selling you on a fantasy. Actual meetups or second "dates" happen way too infrequently for the amount of time wasted on "chatting" and "searching". I think that the dating websites have no interest whatsoever in actually creating matches. They design the site, the searching and the updates in such a way as to lead you to believe that there are more good women to be found if you just keep logging in. They put pornographic ads all over the site. They think that you will use the site for a bit, get depressed, give up and look up porn, and come back on with a false hope at a later date. Desirable women have many men to choose from. They're not going to go on online dating. Online dating attracts shallow and mean women. The online disinhibition makes people say things which should never be said because they are so terrible that they make men lose the will to go on. The women on there seem just as angry as the men because they can't find somebody to live up to their fantasy.

    Online dating is for losers. All those profiles are the same. All the people are the same. I could describe one or two of the basic profiles word for word. They all say the same things and have the same "interests" (or lack thereof). What really started to get to me was the incredible stupidity of most of the members.

    I should have more compassion for women who have serious enough problems to have to go on online dating. The whole thing drags everybody down to the same level and robs us of our empathy.

    To make a long story short, quitting online dating is step two after quitting porn. After being on my way to getting off porn (%#$%ing relapse today) I got really intense with the online dating, thinking that it was good for me. It is no good for anybody. It is a symptom of the decay of our society which has been greatly accelerated in recent years with the Internet.

    The solution to all this is community. I am fortunate to have much more of it where I am living than in most places, but even in the best contemporary circumstances it takes a Herculean effort to overcome the isolation and alienation built into our culture.

    I have been having two recurring thoughts. These seem to be both undeniable, yet they are contradictory. 1. Everybody is already in a relationship, especially by my age (33). They do everything together. 90% of the people on the street seem to be couples holding hands. If this many people are actually with their partner, odds are that the rest are in a relationship, but not with their partner at the moment. 2. In today's society, at my age, with my background and characteristics, meeting somebody is completely inconceivable. I can't imagine it, can't fantasize about it. Saying a couple words to a woman without coming off as being a creeper is hard enough and that is light years away from landing a date.

    Other situations similar to online dating and porn...Customer Service: This woman is making me feel like she is into me, but it breaks my heart to know that this is a form of unsolicited "prostitution light". She's just being nice because she is a cashier and it will make her supervisor happy. The Bar: This is like the really dark, sadistic, violent porn. People would say that this is "reality" and that it is a recreation of our caveman evolutionary past. Crude gestures and non linguistic forms of communication are all that are possible. The males have to be extremely aggressive and dominant to be successful. It basically just the case that the women will chose by allowing an impressive male to consentually rape her (if she doesn't make too much effort to escape it must mean that she's interested).

    The bar scene isn't the whole story though. There are more noble aspects to our character. All of the ways to meet women in today's society are completely unnatural. Now days a woman might smile at you. You have a couple seconds to interpret her signal, work up your courage, think of something to say, and make your move. By the time this has happened, she is 100 feet away and you would literally have to run after her and make it look like you were running for some other reason. You hope that you will see her again, but this usually doesn't happen. Well maybe if you wait for a year or so, you might bump into her again, but that is too much of a gap to create a romance. You will have forgotten about her by then.

    It really matters to me how I meet my partner. When I think about the way I want things to happen in my life, this is indispensible. In a more "natural" setting, everybody in the community would know everybody else and they would see each other regularly. Also, you would not be overwhelmed by the apparent abundance of choices. It feels awkward and unpleasant to aggressively pursue a woman because it is unnatural. The only situation that the modern male encounters this is in grade school. That's why schoolboy crushes happen. I have only felt love for classmates, never after graduation. You see them every day. They are just in your environment. You already know each other. All of a sudden you realize that you are falling in love with them. These things take time to grow. It is a totally crap shoot to hit on a random woman that you feel physical attraction for and nothing else and hope that you will be able to fall in love with her.

    On top of all these obstacles, I am 5'8", 130 lbs. I don't take any interest in sports or cars. This is why I relapsed and am wasting a long weekend hiding in my room, watching porn, surfing the net, not eating, surrounded by general filth and a jar of my own urine, terrified to face the world, ashamed to have anybody see me. I can't look at people or smile. Doing so creates unbearable pain. They're all judging me and I can't measure up. Even if something does happen we will eventually drift apart. They'll die or move away. They'll get bored of me when they find out who I really am.
  2. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I have been on some pretty good porn-free streaks. I have had less success with the no fap thing. Things improved somewhat in several areas of my life, but things haven't improved when it comes to sexuality, relationships, or worldview. I probably just need to keep at it and avoid future relapses, but I am really scared that this might not solve my problems. What is really bogging me down is the overwhelming and accumulating observational evidence that the universe (and especially sex) is essentially evil. This brings me to think "why should I care? If I have this idea that things should be warmer, kinder, that we shouldn't be driven by eugenics, where does this come from. It seems as if everything is created by evil (life, children), but if this is the case what creates a conscience to be repulsed by it all?". I am starting to realize that I may be in a much lower "league" than I thought I was (maybe in the lowest 10%), but I can't accept this.

    I am not always this negative. I have tried so hard to improve myself. I am very proud of my determination and the courage of what I have done. It seems like other people can just coast by, but I have to give it 110% all the time to get half of what they have. I have tried a lot of things: escaping reality/ facing reality, getting in the best physical shape possible, fasting, all kinds of drugs/ abstaining from drugs, meditation, a very healthy diet, putting myself into psychologically terrifying or physically dangerous situations for extended periods of time, being an intellectual/ dumbing things down, being nice/ being mean, being a homebody/ going out all the time even if it means arriving at events alone, forcing myself to grin like an idiot no matter how I feel/ trying to make people pity me, telling nobody about my problems/ telling everybody about my problems, honesty/ dishonesty, being myself/ trying to be somebody else, only doing what I want to do/ never doing what I want to do, being a workaholic/ being lazy, following pop culture/ avoiding pop culture, completely avoiding TV and the Internet/ watching TV and the Internet, having very low standards/ having very high standards, positive attitude/ negative attitude.

    The message that I keep getting is that there is no place for somebody like me in society (*short*, kind, introverted, eccentric, not interested in what other people are interested in). Sometimes I try to play a role and be like everybody else, but I'm physically incapable of being rowdy and I have no attention span for "guy stuff".
  3. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    No PMO is my last hope. I am completely out of ideas if this doesn't work.
  4. Arzack

    Arzack New Member

    Nice read man, thank you for your insights, I agree.
  5. TheBorb

    TheBorb Bullshit detector

    I met a real psycho on online dating two or three years back. A real, real psycho. A real, real, REAL psycho. Not a killer or anything, just a VERY fucked-up person, made me feel ill inside for months, I had to run for the hills beyond the hills (just behind those other hills). But I also met a nice lass I went on a couple of FWB-type holidays with, even though true love did not ensue. In all honesty though, I had 3 dates and got sex-on-a-plate out of 2. That's a 66% hit rate if that's what you're after.

    It's fake anyway. But if I was in a bad/desperate enough place again, I'd possibly do it, though I'd pay for a premium site to filter out all and sundry. Psychos usually don't have the funding, it's all gone on meds and tobacco.
  6. UpendiT

    UpendiT Member

    I have a somewhat rare personality type according to the Myers-Briggs MBTI. I'm borderline between INTJ and INTP, which makes up about 2-6% and 1-3% of the population, respectively. Your thought processes seem eerily similar to mine, so I imagine you are also INTJ or INTP. The reason we do not associate with many of the things that are considered normal is because, well, we are not.

    Have you tried meeting a girl at church? I do not personally go, but, if I ever get over PIED and depression I plan on trying to find someone at church. It seems like the last place to find a decent girl, if there are any left.

    As for hobbies, if you do not have any... this may interest you. I'm about 50% as good as this guy.
  7. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member


    I read the descriptions of those personality types. I'm not sure how well they define me. I suppose I could take the test and see what it comes up with.

    Meeting a woman at church sounds like not a bad idea. Unfortunately, I have to work every Sunday. I am very drawn to religion at times. I understand a lot about what moves people towards religion, but I don't believe in the historical Jesus. I think that the bible gives really good information, but I might feel like a bit of an imposter at church because my interpretation of scripture is very far from literal. I think that science is just starting to catch up to religion but that people took a cartoonish interpretation of the Bible and missed out many of the coded messages.

    I find it strange that people are brought into religion as children, because the messages seem arbitrary to a child so the child is inclined to rebel against them. It takes a lot of living to understand why the Christians were right on so many things.

    I do have several hobbies, but they tend to drive me towards introversion.
  8. UpendiT

    UpendiT Member

    The bible was never meant to be taken literally. When it was created, the way people communicated ideas was different to our current understanding. I believe those who take the bible literally do not actually understand it at all.

    I agree with you about teaching religion to children. It's an awful idea. It gave me guilt and worry about going to hell or my family members going to hell. It amplified my fear of death and doing right/wrong to an unnatural state. It could even be the reason I am in this mess. In my opinion, there is only one thing children should learn from the bible and that is the teachings of Jesus.

    I actually do believe in Jesus, if there is a God. Since this existence is mostly illusion, I believe you can transcend the laws of this reality if you are pure and have complete faith and that anyone could do this, but guilt and hatred for others and ourselves holds us back.

    However, if there is a "fair" God, I hate to imagine what I have done to deserve to be here.
  9. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I hear you on that one. There has to be a lesson to be learned from all this. There has to be somewhere where it will all make sense. I don't believe in any secular humanist notion of creating a heaven on earth or thinking that this is all we have. Of course things can and should be made better here, but suffering will always overwhelm pleasure on this earth.

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