Thank you @1MoreLookAway for your kind and supportive words. I wish you the same! Do you also have a journal thread here? Day 19. Yesterday, I looked up some google search twice, neither of them took more than half minute. I was extremely tired and still tried to push myself to work... Luckily, I decided to go to bed early. Although I didn't manage to do it before 10, I think I was sleeping by 11 (which is an impressive performance from my side ). Again, tiredness is my main enemy, and I must priorize sleeping above everything, especially work. So I slept around 11 hours for today. The bad news is that health issues have already emerged. I started to feel pain behind my lower ribs on the left side. In January, I thought that I had heart problems from KET, but it is probably my spleen. I will call my GP tomorrow, and hopefully this will go away in a couple of days. I must do a blood test and I stop KET for good. If it stays for longer time, that sucks, but I try not to panic yet. I'm hypochondriac enough anyways I will try to balance my mood with 5-htp, St. john's wort, and other legal, OTC supplements, and will probably try this KB220z. Otherwise, I'm almost at the end of the third week. I start to believe in myself again.
Day 20. I just set up my counter. I feel better than yesterday, I try to drink a lot of water and eat a lot of fruit. I couldn't call my doctor today, but tomorrow, in the morning, I will. I'm trying not to stress about it, we will see what happened. Light urges are coming back that manifest themselves in google image searches, but after a couple of seconds, I close them. I sit in the office alone, working; a couple of months ago it would have meant a massive P session. I'm happy that it's not the case now, even if it's because of naltrexone. I'm progressing with work decently, but I have other, not work-related things I feel stuck with. I should separate an hour today for not working, but dealing with emotional issues. I may eat something now and focus on that. Thanks for everyone on this forum for being here and helping each other. You are amazing!
I also tried most OTCs what I can recommend is Ashgawandha, St. John's wort & lavender essential oil capsules. St. John's Wort is likely to make your skin overly sensitive to sunlight so I wouldnt take it during summer time.
day 25. I just looked up a P site twice, didn't start any videos, but I'm extremely horny and craving P. I'm in my office alone, pretty tired again, so now I just gotta head home. I hope this couple of minutes didn't set back my healing that much. And I also hope that I won't get stronger cravings bc of looking up some stuff. Today, I will definitely use sleeping pills, I don't want a single second of insomnia. And tomorrow morning, I restart meditating (a friend was visiting me during the weekend, so I couldn't), after that I go jogging (I hope it's okay with my spleen), and try not to be alone after that. I'm close to the first month, probably within 10 days I can set up a new record, I mean my own record. So I must not relapse or lapse.
Day 26. Yesterday I almost lost the battle. I looked up P and watched it for a few seconds. Then I closed it and closed my laptop, but it was not easy. I think I know what the main trigger was and I will be able to avoid it. The other main problem is that I sleep around 10 hours a day. I should finish a job in 3 days and I spend half of my life sleeping. It's annoying. Can it be because of naltrexone? Or because I smoked a lot of pot during this weekend (I slept a lot before that as well). Or most probably because of the benzos I take against sleeplessness and anxiety . I feel anxious for two reasons; one is this job that I should get done soon, and the other is a letter that I should finally send after years of procrastination. And just to write something positive as well, I can get back to meditating after almost a week because my friend is not here anymore. So, I will meditate now and go jogging in the evening.
Day 27. Almost four weeks, although today, I also watched 1-2 mins of P. I consider it a lapse and I will try to increase my dose. Yesterday, I took a second half of Naltrexone after I slipped, but apparently, it doesn't do magic. The magic is not staying at the office after the last person leaves. I also went jogging both yesterday and today. Tomorrow, I'm going to the GP and hopefully get a referral for a blood test. Today, I was at my therapist and I just feel that it makes no sense. He's just not helping me how to accept or reappraise emotions, and how to cope with problems, just listens to me and then tells me clichés like "you have no control over others' behavior." I feel that he puts minimal effort into my therapy, and up to now I thought that it's fair as I'm relapsing all the time. But now I feel that despite my lapses, it's the second time in 3 months that I accomplish a month clean from PMO. I need more structure, I need homework, and I have been too shy to criticize him. But next week, I'll have to tell him what I feel.
Hey man you’re doin great. I think our big thing is avoiding PMO. I’ve had a few slip ups as far as watchin P but still going strong
No, unfortunately, I failed. Day 0 again. But I try not to prolong my relapse. I'm actually angry at my therapist, but I don't know if it's just because I don't want to take the responsibility or because he is someone to blame. I mean not for my failure directly, even though yesterday, when I left his office, I felt the lowest and most depressed in a long time. I blame him because of not helping me, just letting me go there every week without progressing anything. All I obtained is due to my own research in neuroscience and due to naltrexone and KET. What I know is that hte direct cause of my relapse was tiredness. I had to go to the GP early morning - this is something I must not do. Maybe I should accept that I'm a night owl and I don't have to force myself to wake up early and ruin my entire day. And relapse. All the world has been discriminating us for being different from the other half of the world. Now I should take advantage of having a flexible job and prioritize my struggle against addiction through avoiding tiredness rather than following the advice of youtube life couches about productivity and other bullshit. Sorry for the rant, I'm just angry, because I feel that I finally put enough effort in overcoming this shit, but I cannot rely on any specialist. I don't know if I'm this unlucky, if P addiction is still relatively a new disease and psychologists have no clue about it, if my case is this extreme, or if the world is full of horrible therapists, but you can realize it only after a long time.
Don't be so harsh on yourself man. You've accomplished more than 4 weeks that's great achievement, then you relapsed so what it is nothing compared to doing it 3 times every day. Everyone relapses from time to time.
@BackOnTrack thanks man for the support. I'm rather harsh on myself for not having felt entitled (even though it's a pejorative term) for a better therapist, bc I wasn't 'performing well'. And because of being afraid of being left without a therapist.
Don't worry about this slip, putting yourself down turns a slip into a slide, it happened and that's fine, turn a page and keep going With respect to therapists, I can't comment on your one, but in the general I have my personal qualms. People accept therapists due to many studying psychology (a pseudoscience), a lot of it is abstract and they treat humans too often as machines to be fixed. I always thought therapy as part of the secular religion, zero difference between a therapist and a priest, one is supposedly scientifically trained and the other 'biblically'. Imho the whole thing is a sham, it's a sign of our times, what it really is, is paying for an attentive friend, it just shows the atomism of our times. If you haven't found accountability I'd be glad to do that for you, for free. Like you identified sleep was an issue, also perhaps over estimating the power of a therapist, and underestimating your own. First and foremost, you did the 4 weeks clean, no one got you there, and many don't get there. Try to get back into society don't isolate yourself, there's a free site called meetup.com, you can find people who publicise various events/groups that run weekly/monthly in your local area. Get to know folks, form friends, visit them, have them visit you. Live! Mostly don't get down on a small blip NWNL, 28 days will fly, you still have the vast majority of summer left
Concerning therapy, it is helpful but at least equally (probably more imo) as much can come from oneself - sports, nutrition, meditation, reading psychological books, leaving bad habits behind etc.
Hey both of you @BackOnTrack & @1MoreLookAway thank you for both of the supportive comments. I am extremely biased, as I'm a psychologist as well (not a therapist, though), and I also have positive experiences with it. At the same time, I feel that there is no "quality control" in the field, I could easily put an ad online and start doing therapies without being caught for years. And also, even if someone is an official therapist, it's difficult to decide if it's you or her/him is the one who hinders the progress. And actually despite having intimate friendships, meditating (although in the past days I didn't do it), doing sports, (taking medication), I just keep on relapsing. I feel that I started P and M too early, and my brain just cannot be changed. I just feel that nothing helps for me that works for normal people. So yesterday I finished a piece of work but I was awake for long. Hence, today I was tired af again and FM'd under the shower- that didn't help, but it didn't turn either into O or into watching P later today. If I'm lucky, the chaser effect won't be that strong. What makes me pretty worried (if I hadn't made enough shit for myself already ) is my spleen - I have constant pain (really slight, but it's there) and actually both KET and benzos can cause splenomegaly. And I probably won't get an appointment for the ultrasound before August... What I read is that an enlarged spleen can heal, but really slowly (a matter of months) It makes me pretty sad, but it also prevents me from using substances.
Now Psychologist, I weren't expecting and you're anything but biased as you mentioned there's no quality control. I agree, actually I have seen many YouTubers offer "coaching", one who does it for porn and on his site says he charges $114/h, and 4hrs for $395!! He admits not being a trained therapist, so you're definitely right there, there are frauds. If it's your field, and you like it, and you're able to do good, that's brilliant and all that counts. I might take a less psychological approach here, but if you don't like something, change cannot come from keeping things the same. Live with someone if that's possible or get accountable. Keeping things the same...well, same results. Most here started p very early, often accidentally, a decent number below age of consent, I myself was 8, on average they say around 11/12. You live in a foreign country, not many ppl can do that, I've done the same and I came to that realisation, that people too often prefer the familiar. I started to prefer life abroad, higher quality living, and more community vibes definitely makes quitting a lot easier (of course depends on how foreign). Outside the West, people aren't isolated. You got disciplined enough to study psychology and thrive, so you are more than capable of beating porn. But do you really want to?
Day 2. Today I was pretty depressed, we had a small fight with my gf, and after that we finally let the shit come out, we also cried a bit, and everything was better. Again, both of us were frustrated and we projected it to the other; it's so nice that we can resolve these tensions relatively easily. At least I hope that she didn't get hurt today. But even though I did speak about my pain, I'm pretty worried and sad. Maybe this is the reason why I didn't have strong urges today - because my sense of not being healthy prevents me from ruining my health even further. But I'm trying not to ruminate on it because I have no control over it. And I hope that my body just fixes itself if give it some time and nutrients.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it! Yes, these prices are outrageous, especially, that coaching, for me, is just the manifestation of the jordan peterson-like catchy bullshit generation (apologies for those who like jp). It's reassuring (and also really sad) that you're saying that many of us started P before we turned 10. One of my biggest concerns is that I started M'ing really early, probably around 5 or 6, when I had my first erection (and for a looong time, I didn't even ejaculate), and I'm afraid that I cannot "rewire" my brain if I had no "normal" brain. And my other concern is that I could quit smoking and drinking even though I did smoke and drink a lot. Furthermore, although in the past year, I have used a lot of drugs, I could stop using them for a year, for 6 months, for three months... and with M, the maximum is around 30-something days. So yes, it's like being afraid of having a mental disorder just increases the chances that you'll experience suspicious symptoms; if I dwell a lot on it, it just makes it more difficult to leave it. And yes, P is something I can more easily find disgusting, and hence keep distance from it, but fantasizing and M'ing are something I don't know how to get rid of. But for me, being able to live abroad and graduating from multiple MSc's are just normal things. I mean I feel that I'm lucky enough with my intellect, which is just a result of my genetics. And I'm sort of unlucky with my dopamine circuits, as my addiction is also a result of my genetics. I can sort of be proud of my educational attainments, but it's not even comparable to the fact that I quit smoking. And none of the two I achieved with discipline or self-control; but with something more profound, and that is something that I obtained from therapy, I think. And I don't understand why it's not working with (P)MO. I'm very curious about what you're saying about the West. I personally am a huge critique of individualism, competition, and status-seeking that characterize our civilization. I just feel that most people like the hustle and bustle and want to be constantly busy with work and to perform; probably because it distracts their attention from the real problems in their soul. And I feel that I don't want anything else but everything to shut up, I just wanna finish what I'm doing rn and not wantt a next task, but to relax. I don't want any more growth and competition with ourselves, with others, with time, but just stop, stillness, appreciation and enjoyment of the moment, and harmony. And that half an hour of meditation a day, unfortunately, will not change our society....
Ah yes, and what I forgot. I don't have P withdrawal for some reason, apparently, there's no chaser effect. It's strange, but I'm happy with it. Furthermore, yesterday, I was pretty horny, and I had a close to 100% erection without any ED med. I don't know if it's because of the bupropion that I'm taking, or the flatline comes later, as I just had a relapse, but I haven't tried sex without ED pill for a long time, so it's possible that I don't even have PIED. However, I have PIPE - if such a term exists -; I come basically within seconds. I have tried it with cialis, and it doesn't help much. I have tried with cocaine/amphetamine, and they seem to help to prolong it, so it seems that it's caused by my low levels of dopamine. But what I feel is that my bulbocavernosus reflex gets activated as soon as I get erected. Or, more precisely, in order to have full erection, I automatically flex that muscle. Probably this is what I habituated myself to throughout the decades of PMO'ing, and now I don't know how to unlearn it. I found a thing called pulsed radiofrequency, and there are some papers that show that PE can be treated with it. Otherwise, there are only surgical interventions, and I don't want my penis nerves to be cut. Does anyone have any such experience? As far as I can see, everybody has DE here, which is something I'm yearning for...
My close friend is like that too, multiple PHDs, me too I've had that suggestion but I don't like the idea of doing that, unless one is keen too, but each to their own. I agree with you on Jordan Peterson, initially I found him interesting but, I'd never buy his books. The internet is really great at making dull and boring people seem interesting. He's part of that competition you mentioned, where I live they constantly bang on about a 'culture war', imho, all strands of media capitalise on this, and they claim left/right but I just find it's all about fomenting division. Yes ppl will disagree, but ppl no longer tolerate each others views, and I'm certain now there's more addicts than ever before. If you can combat individualism do it! Volunteer, organise days out, offer free therapy/advice from time to time. Quitting cigs and alcohol is a big deal, I've never done either, so like the saying goes you never miss what you've never had. However, p goes much deeper than those, its an intense distortion of an otherwise natural need, on steroids. Likely porn is just part of a cocktail: disorganised sleep, high intake caffeine, videogames, mindless browsing. Take care of novelty in itself, in all its many medusa heads. Every little adds up. Have a clean week !!
Day 5. 2 days ago, I got a BJ, so had two O's recently, but let's say day 5. I have quite strong morning woods, this morning I woke up super early for a strange dream (not sexual at all) and a raging erection. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I went jogging. Also tried to meditate, but I just cannot get back on track. Also, it's crazy how strongly is my mood affected by tiredness. I feel anxious all day, I feel it in my stomach. It's half past 6 in the evening and I have time to go through my to do list; however, with this mood and level of attention, I can't. If I sleep, though, I won't be able to sleep during the night. It sort of sucks. Tomorrow, I will give a second try to an online SMART group. Last time, the link just disappeared from the website, and I didn't put more effort into it. Tomorrow, I'm also going to my therapist and I must talk to him about my problems. It might be a good idea to get some sleep after all.
