I see an addictologist once a week. Thanks a lot @DBA ! Yes, I've used P for 20+ years and compulsively M'd for 30. I'm afraid that I cannot rewire my brain as it was never normally wired... I see an addictologist once a week. I mean he's rather an eating disorder specialist working in an addiction center, but he's the best I can get right now. My situation is a bit complicated because I live abroad and don't speak well the local language. But thank you for the recommendations! I have heard about this SMART group as an alternative for AA/SLAA, I have tried SLAA once, but it was too spiritual to me; however, SMART seems more appropriate. There is one in two days, I will check it out! How can I have an accountability partner on this site? Thank you again for all your help and giving me hope. And congrats for the 75 days
One week! @DBA , thank you very very much. For some reason, I cannot reply to you in the conversation, but I really appreciate your help. Someone already contacted me, so thanks to you, I will probably have an accountability partner soon. I also found an online SMART group for tomorrow, so I have to say that you pulled me out of the rabbit hole. I am really grateful. I hope everything goes well with you, your healing, growth, strengthening, cleaning, however, you call it. And also with your health; it must be tough to keep it up with such a condition. I'm really proud of you and you inspire me a lot. Yesterday night, I finally started to organize my summer project. It is still far from being done, but in spite of being extremely exhausted today, I kept on doing it. I'm really tired right now and I still have to finish it, plus do my physio and meditate; I hope it will fit in 3 hours. And tomorrow, I will start my second week with talking to my psychiatrist and having a group. DBA, thanks again a lot!
Thank you. I suggested that he contact you. We have all been in that rabbit hole. It really ix possible to get out. Over conversations, I think it is important to use your real first names, to write regularly (daily?), and to be totally honest. I have had to admit to my recovery partner that I resorted to MO (without porn or fantasy or memory of porn) twice during my current streak. I was worried that it might upset his resolve but honesty comes first. We discussed it, agreed that it was a lapse (I had promised him I would not resort to MO) but we also agreed that it was not a relapse (ie my no PMO streak continues). I was embarrassed to confess this to him, even thought of not saying anything, but immediately realised that the bond of trust we have comes first. We talk about lots of things, not just PMO: relationships, work or relationship stresses, anxiety, depression and so on. Any of these can be triggers for PMO. We have got to know quite a bit about each other (different countries, different situations etc) and have both said that we find the mutual support to have been really helpful. I'd be interested to hear how the SMART session goes. If you don't want to post it on your thread you can always start a new conversation with me. I don't know why when starting a new conversation it is difficult to find out how to reply
Did you see my comment that It would be worth you looking at the latest posts in the thread Overconfident Newbie? If you can't find it put overconfident newbie into the search box,vand look for todays's posts by Path_Forward and Sufficio. It should encourage you that it really can be done, however tough the journey.
Day 8. I woke up this morning, and the online SMART meeting that I would join just disappeared from the website :O anyways, I will try the next one in two days. Otherwise, I feel all right. I must keep on with arranging my things, working, doing creative things, cooking, cleaning... So anything that distracts me and/or gives purpose to me. What makes me a bit anxious is that I'm going abroad for a month in the autumn and I will need a smartphone (that I don't use now and I'm really happy with it) and I won't be able to to take all the drugs & medication I'm taking now. I mean right now I'm taking too much illicit stuff that I have to reduce/kick shortly, but zolpidem/xanax are something that I really need for sleeping, especially if I travel. I still have three months so I will figure it out.
I'm rather a tech-savvy person, so it's odd, but I'm a bit lost on this website. I couldn't even respond to your other post and I'm waiting for the answer of my prospective AP I looked into the thread you linked and it's really inspiring. Thank you for all the boost, and have a nice wwekend!!!
Hi, Look at our conversation Accountability Partner for my comment on your latest posts. All you do is post at the bottom after my comment, just as on the normal site. At least that is what works on my Mac.
Day 9, night. No cravings today, I'm taking KET every day though. It used to give a special experience during meditation, but it doesn't do it anymore. It makes no sense to take it, but if I have anything at home, I cannot help taking it. It doesn't lead to P relapse, at least, but it';s definitely unhealthy. I worked a bit today and I also kept on organizing my projects. I meditated in the morning, cleaned my flat, and went jogging, so it was a great Saturday. I really don't know why I need to snort this stuff. I have two interrelated issues on my mind. Not recent ones, actually, I've been ruminating on them/it for 5 years now. I really don't know what to do about it; more precisely, I know that I should accept it, but I want to react to it (kindda taking revenge), but it's emotionally too draining to engage with it. I mean I should write two long letters, but I just wanna escape from the negative emotions that are related to this topic. I have been postponing it for at least a month now, but tbh, for years... Otherwise, DBA recommended I to start an accountability partnership, so I started it. And it feels amazing. I hope that I can keep up with it (as it takes up quite some time from my day). Tomorrow is day 10 and I think I will start a counter when I reach the end of my second week.
Day 11. Something miraculous is happening to me right now, but I just cannot describe it. I feel that it's partly meditation-related, partly friend-related, partly accountability partner-related, partly KET-related, really interesting. I don't feel that tumor-like sensation in my stomach, called anxiety, that I have been feeling for 35 years constantly. I don't feel that pain and frustration I wrote about yesterday. I don't feel that insecurity and that contingency that I'm a valuable person only if others approve of me. It's really difficult to imagine that I can change back to the bad old anxious-vulnerable-neurotic lifestyle, but it's also impossible to imagine that a switch just clicked in my mind and that's all. The weekend was quite nice, I worked a bit, I also invited some friends and we had fun, so all good on the front as well. PMO-wise, there are no real cravings, but it's probably due to naltrexone. I want to go for a blood test to see how the (self-)medication influences my liver- and kidney values, but probably I won't be able to before July (one and a half months).
Hi Newwaynewlife, great to hear you're doing better! I feel like nofap is giving a lot of energy and some additional confidence and that can help with depression/anxiety. I also struggle with anxiety & depression a lot of times but never took meds for that. What do you mean with KET related? Keto?
KET is ketamine. I self-medicate with that, which is something I must not recommend to anyone, bc it is a drug of abuse. Nevertheless, there is quite some evidence that it induces neuroplasticity and it is capable of rebuilding dopamine receptors (unlike other drugs that destroy them). I feel that it sort of rewired a really toxic pathway in my brain, I still feel it, but don't want to be overconfident about it yet. As for other medication, I'm taking Naltrexone that helps a lot. It is not an antidepressant, so you don't feel better from it. It's an opioid antagonist, meaning that it basically 'clogs' your opioid receptors, which is cool because it decreases craving. It's used for heroin and alcohol dependence, but there are quite some studies that used it for sexual compulsion, and it works. That's something that I can really recommend. Otherwise, congrats for your 90+ days. It's amazing. I hope I will be there by the end of this summer
So you think posting her helps or hurts you? At a certain point for me I have to take a break from this forum that way I’m not thinking about PMO.
Ah OK, I've heard about ketamine may be helpful with depression. I also feel like porn/orgasm can feel a bit like an opioid, which numbs you, so makes sense it helps. Thanks a lot for your kind words, I'm not planning to stop, I didn't even realize at first I reached the 90 days, I just live my life. For me the forum doesn't trigger me at all, there's no sexual explizit content. I don't post daily though.
I just looked up some pics in Google image search in work. I closed them in less than a minute, I just wanted to post here, hopefully, it helps with not doing it again. I F'd under the shower both yesterday and today, while touching myself - I think that it's mostly my sleep deprivation that causes craving. I couldn't sleep properly in the past 2 days and tiredness is one of the most dangerous trigger for me. I have to work a lot today and wake up in tomorrow in the early morning, so I don't know yet what to do...
I can relate for me hangover + being tired are the most difficult ones to endure. Things I find helpful then are cold shower / relaxation practices such as meditation / going to bed earlier the next day / sex with partner to lose horniness. Last ones are quite obvious ones. ;-)
Yes! I haven't had cold showers for a week now (I'm also travelling and didn't really have the opportunity), but I have to go back to that. I just passed 2 weeks yesterday, accordingly, I have been hornier in these days and fantasized more than before, but I'm still okay. Due to travelling, I haven't done my daily routines (meditation, stretching), and I I slept 4-5 hours a day, so I have to go back to my organized life before I relapse...
You're not going to relapse with/without meditation, stretching, whether/not your travelling. Don't let the idea that relapse/recovery is contingent on doing sth, now I'm not saying activities aren't useful, they certainly are. All I'm saying is if you've already made 2 weeks, it's clear you don't need relapse, iow porn, you've proven it with 14 consecutive days clean, that you can live without anything and still be happy
Thank you @1MoreLookAway ! I'm still not at home, I haven't meditated for three days, had a cold shower this morning, though. However, luckily, not even close to relapse. 16 days over. But with KET. Quite a lot. It's 5 AM Sunday, I just did some work and also started to write a letter that I should have sent 5 years ago. I feel that this phase of my life is pretty transformative with respect to learning acceptance and improving my self-image. It's definitely positive, but it's scary that I need a lot of drugs for that. I gotta go for a blood test to see if it damages my liver. And I have to reduce the dose. And read a book that @DBA recommended.
Day 18. I'm finally at home. Now, I have 4 days to finish a huge project, that letter that I was talking about in my previous post, and finalize my summer project. Today, we had a tiny clash with a friend and I started to cry. It usually means that not using orgasm to regulate negative emotions started to take effect, and they come out instead of being suppressed. And it happens even though I use drugs on a daily basis. It's horrible that PMO has a stronger impact on your brain than any drug (or than all the drugs combined)... Taking KET is still a problem, but I know that as long as I have it at home, I will use it. And I also know that I won't throw it out. I try to postpone this problem without downplaying its importance, and until I run out of it, I focus only on P/M/O abstinence. I don't know which medication it is, but not watching P and not M'ing go pretty well. I don't have cravings and I don't fantasize much.
Hey NWNL, just passing by to remind you that you're a living legend!! I really admire how much effort you put in, not just with pmo but balancing it against other things. When I was at uni I was in the kitchen I was sharing with like 11 other flatmates but saw 1 roommate return high off KET. Like always we had a great convo, he was always the loveliest guy without it, I think as a person he was generally very outgoing. The only thing I noticed is he had a flare for risk taking, he loved partying but in any likelihood it was probably down to age he was like 22. I pray he's still well, I have a pic of the day I saw him and he's as happy as I remember him. I don't know what one feels, and I really respect you for not recommending KET or any drug. I definitely could see how the pull for drugs can seem as "natural" as answering the call of nature, or pangs of hunger. I believe that you're very brave and determined and I know you'll do it, because I read a lot of optimism in what you write. Congratulations on Day 18 clean, everyday means something. I wish you freedom from anxiety, distress, worry and grief. Massive respect to you Brother!
