I don't want to disagree with you, just try to make helpful suggestions. We are all in this together.
Thanks a lot. And it's also not a problem if you disagree, especially since I know that you have good intentions. I just wrote down how I have felt about substances that may help with PMO addiction even at the expense of developing dependence to them. Yesterday night it was unbelievable how strong withdrawal symptoms my body produced from complete sleeplessness to chest tightness and to extremelt obsessive thoughts. I'm afraid that I'm in the period where I should actually increase the medication. Definitely not ket, but I will need more sleep aid to survive these nights without relapse.
If you are suffering bad withdrawal symptoms, do you know what they are withdrawal from? If you take several things, it may be a problem to know this. I think you should consult your psychiatrist who might make suggestions.
well, it felt like P withdrawal. When I started watching it, it went away. I have used many (illicit) drugs in the past 20 years and I have never experienced anything even close to it. It felt like an approaching panic attack.
Day 36 (with one relapse) Sleeping was horrible tonight, basically non-existent. I was chatting with a friend until like 3 am and I felt pretty sleepy, but when I got into bed, I just couldn't fall asleep. I didn't take any sleeping aid, and I cannot decide anymore what is right. As @DBA argues, I shouldn't take this much medication, only Naltrexone. And he's totally right. But my psychiatrist said not to stop with Wellbutrin as the effect I feel may be due to the interaction of the two. I wanted to quit in the first two weeks of Naltrexone as I felt pretty secure, but I changed my mind in the past days. The main problem is that both drugs impair my sleeping further. OTC medication (CBD oil, 5-htp, valeriana, st. john's wort, l-theanine...) and other practices (no screen time, milk with honey, ...) won't help at all, the only difference is that I'm not frustrated or stressed when I'm lying in my bad awake for hours, but more relaxed. But it doesn't change the fact that my most vulnerable state with respect to relapse is when I'm sleep deprived. It's really tricky. But what I'm happy about is that I don't feel the chasing effect that much. Tbh, the orgasm wasn't that huge either (I'd have expected a stronger sensation after one month of retention), but probably opiate antagonists make it less enjoyable (that's the whole point).
Day 36 (with one 6-day long relapse) Yesterday I PM'd, not extremely long, but it doesn't matter. It's junk. Today is clean, I had two intense, sincere, and also moving talks with fam & friends, I'm a bit worried about the gaps in the Pblocker shield, but today seems better (I said the same yesterday...). I realized that I really don't live in the present moment, just worrying about the apocalyptic future this civilization is heading to. The rational behavior should be trying to be happy right now, becasue I know that the future is doomed, so I must experience fun now. Obviously, having a long-term seriously harmful addiction, or more precisely causing myself a horrible addiction, is not helping. Day 37. EDIT: in the late night, I relapsed. No videos, just pics/anim gifs. I may have spent like an hour with it in total (in 2 or 3 parts). I was a bit high, I was working late night after my friend left, I also wrote a bit in my journal. I will try hard today and tomorrow to catch all P-related thoughts at the very beginning, at the beginning it's really just an issue of will-power. It may be only a couple of days, 2 weeks in the worst-case scenario. I am actually proud of myself for reaching the one month, at the same time it was only the first step. It was really emancipating yesterday to be able to cry, even twice, it is a good sign, but I have to work even more for my emotional-mental health. It is day 1 again, and I will do it.
Hi, I don't think that will power works. Or to put it another way, we need to plan in advance for what we will do when the triggers occur, because if we don't we are in a mood in which no will power will stop further escalation. That is the nature of addiction, craving and taking risks (whether it be porn, cocaine, alcohol or gambling).
Yes, I completely agree, I may have just used this word in a different way. I meant with will-power that at the beginning I don't need any negative emotion, stress, not even a trigger, bc my brain just craves more. So I just have to do more suppression, a strategy that is not conducive to success on the long term, but in the first 5-10-15 days I have no other choice..
Day 38 (with one 6-day long relapse) Today was okay, didn't relapse. So the past week started with M'ing on the 1st of May, then on the 2nd, I also checked some pics on Google search, and on the third day I watched P for 45 mins in two parts. The next morning, I MO'd until ejaculation. The day after I PM'd again, and yesterday I PMOE'd for gifs. I started watching vids on Twitter, so now I blocked it entirely. Now, I'm gonna try to sleep a couple of hours, then I get up really early. Tomorrow will be the second successful day in my healing
Day 39 (with one 6-day-long relapse) Today was different: I had sex twice with my gf (w/ ed med), bc I felt that this is better than relapsing. I watched less than a min img's today and yesterday, borderline relapse, but I feel it's weakening and not strengthening. I want to have another month, or if there will be no similar withdrawals, 45. It is possible that this 90 day streak without any orgasm just won't work for the first time (for me). But I gotta accept it, maybe when I'm close to relapse, the only thing I have to focus is not to watch P, but MO or have sex. But also, whenever addict who has any concessions is prone to abuse them, e.g., feeling after 10 days that shit, a relapse is coming, so I MO. Anyways, I feel I'm coming out of the hole I digged last week and I'm not really desperate.
Day 1 completed without P, F, or M. I've been through a two-week-long relapse. Not only P, also coke. I didn't binge P every day, I think I had one longe and one short PMO session in the past week, but I opened it and then closed it soon after. But I snorted 2 grams in a week, and I didn't take the medication. Yesterday I restarted meditating after 2 months, I restarted my med, today I went jogging. I also finished an important workphase yesterday night, and did some creative stuff today. I didn't miss P, and although I started F under the shower, I stopped basically within a second. Nevertheless, I feel like I'm in the same place where I was a year ago. I feel that my therapy doesn't help much, but I'm afraid to tell my therapist. I'm terrified of ending up without a therapist. And I'm full of shame right now as I'm writing about my relapse.
Day 2. Not easy. Yesterday night looked up some images, but luckily stopped after not so long. However, probably this contributed to me not being able to sleep. I started edging, then stopped, took a Xanax, and started to read. Finally, I could fall asleep somewhere between 1-2 AM. Today I slept until 11, and woke up feeling shit, but with a morning wood. I procrastinated a lot before meditation (reading all the news), but then I did. Under the shower, I FM'd, but after a while, I just took a cold shower and came out. Most of the day has already gone and I still have a lot to do. I'm sure it's gonna get more difficult in the upcoming days and after that, it'll be easier. I have to focus on the four pillars: meditation, journaling, sport, and cold shower. I also have to focus on the one clean month and obtain a sense of efficacy from that. And probably, I should take sleeping pills in the first day, bc the laying in my bed without being able to fall a sleep is a dangerous terrain. Back to Day 0. I just watched P for 40 mins (without O'ing). Then repeated it three times
Yesterday, I watched a lot of P, but no PMO in the end. Today, it was fine, I didn't really have cravings. I slept in, then meditated, worked a bit, did some creative work, and went jogging. I had sexual dreams, they were rather interesting than triggering. Today, I haven't been really efficient and didn't do much of the stuff that I had planned, but at least haven't felt anxious either. I don't know if I feel better because I slept well or bc the medication started to have an effect. Maybe this time I can do six weeks, two months, or I don't know.
Comparing this post to the previous one, it already sounds like you're on to a huge victory. Being able to sleep is underrated, I'm glad you'll now have some respite from insomnia. A general realisation I had during the pandemic is most people I knew and myself suffered from varying degrees of insomnia. I personally never liked nor felt lockdowns were necessary, but...that aside 3 days, then one week, then 10 days, that's more than doable and from there you'll naturally cultivate the muscle memory to navigate to a month and beyond Wishing you a clean weekend Brother!!
Thnks a lot for your kind and supportive words! Tbh, I could sleep with sleeping aid, but sometimes (when I watched a lot of P) it didn't work either. And I think yesterday was much better because of this. And yes, this sick work- and performance-focused society normalizes self-exploitation and sleep deprivation is part of it. Actually, already from school, 50% of the population (me included) suffers from it as half of the people are not early birds but night owls, so for them schools should start later. But who cares about children in education? Yes, we won't agree on the necessity of lockdowns, but I had similar positive experiences during the pandemic as I realized how much pointless stuff I did out of FOMO. This is how I managed to quit alcohol and smoking, I started to see how counter-productive it is to hang out with a lot of people at the same time, because you can talk about nothing, whereas if you are two or three, you will spend valuable time for sure. Sorry, it just came out of me, you unintentionally refreshed some of my sweet memories. Thank you!
Day 2. Still not a bomb of productivity, worked a bit, did some groceries, then I started to feel a bit anxious and took a xan, but it was too strong, so I slept a long siesta. I must be more cautious, but at the same time, I feel that sleep deprivation is a serious thing in my life, so I won't be strict on myself on the weekend if I sleep a few hours, even if it's with xanax and even if it's unplanned.
No worries on disagreeing, cognitive dissonance is healthy and undervalued I love the insights about meeting in gps, yes me and my crowd do that and although I like that we meet, I can see your point. And for sure, when it was time for me to head off I always went off with 2 from the group of over 6/7 friends and we got through more constructive dialogue, so you make a strong point. Any guesses as to what might have induced anxiety? I'm sorry to hear this, I've known people who've had this and I can only empathise with you. Being a "bomb of productivity" is hardest earlier on, but even bombs need time to detonate. I have noticed sleep, something we never cared about as teens, is actually worth a great deal now we're getting on in years. I hope next week you start feeling more balanced, give yourself time and patience, it's beautiful to witness yet another summer, what a great moment to stay clean, one day at a time
Day 4. Yesterday I had guests, we had a nice day party. No P withdrawal, it's definitely the Naltrexon's effect. Yesterday, I smoked a bit of weed and ate a tiny bit of mdma (I had read studies about both Naltrexone attenuating and amplifying their effect). I was as careful as I could (no, the properly careful behavior is not taking anything), and I felt like a light high. I also smoked a cigarette, and interestingly, after decades of chain-smoking, it's not that I don't even have a withdrawal, but I can't even think of smoking without throwing up Today, I'll have to work a lot and we also talk about some serious topics with my gf that we will continue today. I feel rather stable and focused, so I think it's gonna be a good day. I will check in later!
Day 6. I didn't write here yesterday and I didn't meditate the day before, so today, I really have to pay attention to all of my self-care activities. I also used mdma in the past days, it help me both with resect to productivity and in functioning better in my relationship. Nevertheless, I shouldn't use it. I take too much medication just to feel normal. Just not to feel all that anxiety, that depression, that distorted, terribly negative self-image. Today was difficult work-wise, it turned out that something that I though it would work, just didn't. Time and money thrown out of the window. I should also organize my summer, I have to go to many places, and ticket prices will just go up. But I have been procrastinating it for months... I just feel really bad. I don't feel that I'm progressing at all. There is no trend in my struggle with P-addiction. I have started multiple rewiring processes with others here in the forum. I have relapsed zillion times, and I can just see you guys cleaning and healing (I'm so proud of you guys!!!!). 60 days, 6 months, years... while I'm always somewhere between 3 and 30 days. I have quit so many things, but this one just won't work. I don't know why it is so difficult. Tomorrow is my one week clean, after that, I will just need 51-times more, and that's all I know, I have to think only one step ahead. But that doesn't work either. I know, I should be more positive. But that doesn't work either. I know, I need distraction, meditation, sport, cold showers, new hobbies, strict schedule, blablabla... Nothing works. I'm fucked up.
Why don't you get an addiction specialist or join a SMART recovery group? I have seen an addiction specialist (by Zoom) and my recovery partner is going to a SMART group. And do you have a recovery or accountability partner on this site? I wold not havd got as far as I have (fingers crossed) without daily conversations with my recvery partner. We try to solve our problems together. I have had 12 years of addiction to porn, including extreme porn.\ And read Birchard's book on Overcoming Sexual Addiction. It is really good. I know how terrible you feel. But keep strong;. it can be done. Many on this site have relapsed. You are not alone,
