yes, I actually don't have a smartphone, but I can still access it on my desktop. I just switched on a social media blocker/limiter and I signed out from my profile. I feel that if I were dedicated enough, I'd delete it entirely... What's really interesting is that normally I would give in to these triggers easily, and on Naltrexone I just feel an "I'm not interested in it" after 1-2 minutes.
oh my god, I'm really sorry. Is it chronic disease or is it possible to reverse the damage? Well, diazepam is different, not necessarily weaker. It may be less addictive, I'm not sure
Day 28. Four weeks done. I think that my record without ejaculation was around 40 days (to be more precise, with one wet dream), but in that time, I used to edge a lot, while recently, I minimized it (thanks to Naltrexone). I would like to stop using my antidep, I will probably do it gradually, but I will have a meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow, and we will see. I don't want to take any agonist/releasing agent/reuptake inhibitor, bc it will just backfire in the long run. I don't feel the side effects of Naltrexone, maybe because of taking it together with D-Phenylalanine; maybe yesterday I was a bit "hornier" because of the supplement, but it's not even comparable to what I used to be. Unfortunately, my activity level is still not as high as it should be; it's not easy to convince myself to start working and I also procrastinate a lot while working. It has always been a problem, and I was hoping that it gets better without much awareness and effort to stop it, but the reality is cruel Today I went jogging; it was wonderful. Nevertheless, it's really difficult for me to find time to do sports, last time I went 8 days ago. I was travelling as well as working, but still, I should free up time for this. It helps with my "dopamine detox", with my body issue, and it just feels great. Today I took 0.5mg xanax
Day 29. Today I was at my doctor, we agreed on me continuing Naltrexone, but maybe just every other day. I also told her about the KB220z thingy, she said she would look into it. I also told her that I would like to stop the wellbutrin, but she said that the effect I feel may be because of the interaction of the two. I've been taking wellbutrin for 2 years now and I couldn't attribute any positive effect to it except from the first 3-4 months. Nevertheless, I didn't say anything about either xanax or the d-phenylalanine. I'm afraid of the reactions to my self-medication, even though I was the one who told my therapists about all the recent findings in addictology research. I'm doing it wrong, but at least part of my medication is controlled by a professional. I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. I don't think that it's a xanax withdrawal, I don't think that it's guilt because of the things I just described. It's probably work-related, I'm lagged behind. And there's also a girl who I like but I don't think it's mutual. Anyways, let's see what the next couple of hours bring work-wise, xanax-wise, emotion-wise.
Day 29 update. Well, that 0.5mg xanax turned my anxious symptoms to depressive ones, haha. It sucks big time misinterpreting signs from another person. Being awkward or too pusht 'sucks as well. I just had so nice fantasies (not like those ones!), I thought that there's a good fit, but either not at all, or I screwed it up
Day 30. One month. Yesterday, I used a bit of ket as well. I was clean for over 3 months now and don't want to restart it. Especially not mixing it with benzo, bc that's really harmful. Actually, I feel that using ket would be safer than using benzo, but actually, I shouldn't do either. It's so hard to imagine that there are people who can feel that their life is full without taking substances. That the baseline is not anxiety and/or depression, that one feels motivated to start doing things instead of feeling paralyzed and afraid of starting anything. So far so good with P. I have accomplished 1 month wihtout ejaculating, without watching P videos, nevertheless, I checked images in google quite often, but then I always closed them within 1-2 minutes (or sometimes a couple of seconds). Whenever I open such pics, I can more clearly separate the "lust" and the self-rewarding behavior. I can feel that I am desperate or overwhelmed, so I use this shit to boost the dopamine in my brain, but after a while, I just find it disgusting or at least pointless, and I stop. I've MO'd twice (dry O), but not since I started taking Naltrexone. This medication definitely helps, I can recommended to all of you. I would be sort of OK with kicking P and M altogether while taking drugs (preferably not benzo), but I'm afraid that once I start using drugs, I start to do it regularly and that leads to a self-indulging mindset and that is a cascade towards fantasizing, M, and P. I don't know how long I can/will use Naltrexone and how does it impact the effect of stimulants (coke, amph). I checked its interaction with ket and that's synergic (e.g., in terms of antidep effects), but with I read that it probably attenuates the subjective effect of stimulants (which are more dangerous with respect to compulsive sexual behavior). I know, the solution is not drug use but starting to get my shit done. At the same time, just as Naltrexone, the other anti-anxiolytic substances help me start getting my shit done, but at the same time, they slow down my healing and increase the chances of relapse. On the one hand, I'm in a too early phase in my reboot to let myself using drugs. On the other, they were actually drugs (xanax and naltrexone) that helped me start this streak which is probably the longest clean period in my life.
Day 31. Today is the first day that I didn't feel like writing here. I started using ket again. I read that naltrexone may interact with it (by increasing its anti-depressant potential), but it may be dose-dependent. I shouldn't experiment with it, and I know that my doctor would say not to use K. I feel a bit anxious, without K as well, probably due to the Naltrexone. I also have some belly aches (not serious). Nevertheless, the anxiety is probably due to procrastinating in organizing things that I could have already done and that I feel a bit afraid of doing (sort of big decisions). Also, I feel pretty distant from my gf. Our relationship is becoming more and more asymmetrical; it has always been (financially and intellectually that I don't really care and I'm also trying to support her in these dimensions), but now I feel something more. She is facing many failures in her life and I feel that most of them are consequences of some sort of self-sabotage. For example, I feel that she is tired because she has to work a lot, but sometimes she should accept that life sucks and if you want to achieve something, you have to suffer. Instead, she talks a lot about having to work a lot, about being tired and about deserving of having a day off, and eventually, she doesn't achieve what she wants. And I'm really not the sort of person who judges others based on their status and achievements (as I know that most of what you achieve in life is determined by your family background, like class and race), it's more about personal development (or the lack of it). It just makes me like her less, and as she is in a difficult situation (again), it's not something we can talk about right now. Tough.
Day 32. So now I'm taking both bupropion (150 mg) and naltrexone (25 mg), each of them every other day (so either one or another). Additionally, I'm taking some ket every day (low dose, but it can easily go up). I feel pretty bad about my gf. There are three emotional processes at the same time and it's a bit too much for me. First, I can finally "asexual", we haven't had sex for over a month now, and I'm actually enjoying it. It might be a bit similar to what schizophrenic people may feel when starting to take anti-psychotic medication: the wicked voices in my head about fantasizing, Míng or watching P mostly shut up, and I don't them to start talking to me again after me experiencing an orgasm. Second, there is this other girl that I started to like, and it's probably not mutual. It makes me a bit disappointed and frustrated and I just want this emotion to fade away. I cannot really reappraise it, it is what it is. I vmight have to suppress it, but I know that it's not the most adaptive way of regulating emotions. I'm trying to accept this emotion, that's all that I can do, and waiting for it to disappear. Third, there is this issue I wrote about yesterday that makes the relationship unbalanced and makes a bit difficult for me to look up to her. Beyond these three topics, I have been procrastinating a lot of stuff that I should start to sort out and organize. I think that these are the main reasons I restarted using K. I should stop it, but I can't right now. I didn't find any interactions between these drugs showing an increased risk of cardio- or hepatoxicity, but you never know. What I know now is that in the short/mid-term, the public enemy is P, M, and fantasizing, and as long as I can crowd them out from my life, it's fine. Edit. I had a shower and I started to fantasize about this girl and then "surfed" to someone else. Nothing serious happened, but it's a worrying sign
I'm sorry, I didn't see this (a new page started on my forum and I overlooked it). Do you take anything that strengthens your liver? I know that ALCAR has some hepatoprotective effects while it also rebalances the .glutaminergic pathways in your brain. How is your streak going?
My problem is not with my liver but severe kidney disease. There is nothing to stop it getting worse, and in a few years only dialysis will keep me alive. The kidney disease was caused by taking Lithium for bipolar mood disorder for many years, and at that time they gave it in high (too high) doses. It wasn't known then that this would damage the kidneys The streak is going well. I pay monthly for the porn blockers, and I think that this helps me keep to my decision to avoid porn. Of course I could get round them, but at the moment I have no desire to try to do so.
Sorry, it's my bad, you already told me that it's kidney, I just mixed it up. I'm really sorry about it, it must be tough emotionally and mentally. But congrats for your streak, you're doing very well. Yes, I'm paying for my blockers as well (actually for two), but I got around them anyways. I'm curious what will happen after I stop using Naltrexone, but now I'm really happy with it. I wish you all the best!
Day 33. Yesterday, I went to bed at 11pm and I slept 11 hours. And I could go on with it. I have definitely accumulated quite some sleep deprivation over hte past decades as well as weeks, but it's just crazy. It's probably the side effect of Naltrexone. Yesterday, I finished the ket and didn't order a new round. I'm not sure if it was the K that made me fantasize yesterday, but before going to sleep, I continued it. No O, not even close, but I hadn't do it for weeks, so I shouldn't restart it.
Aren't you doing too much self-medicating? It's good that you have not ordered any more ket. The naloxone is the only medication that is going to help you. There are papers on that. Otherwise it is avoiding triggers etc like the rest of us. My feeling is that it is after 30 or 40 days that urges return, and it is then that we really need to be on our guard. It is tough, but we need to reboot for 60 or 90 days if we are to get over addiction to porn. i'm going for 90 days..
Yes, I definitely must stop ket, it's not self-medication but recreational drug use. I can allow it to myself once in a while, but I cannot have any at home because then I start using it too often. I mean there are papers on the medical use of ket including addiction, depression, chronic pain (I basically have all), and it also helps (re-)growing synapses, but I must not do it. Not now and not without a therapist. I'm aiming at 90 days as well without ejaculation. I knew that it's not going to be a linear process, so thank you for sharing your experiences with me. In these days I felt that it's not simply an urge (so not a physiological craving), but it was more about negative affect (bad mood) that caused it. But you may be right, it may just be my brain telling me to give it its reward bomb.
Ket is a drug of abuse. When used for depression it is infused in a hospital setting. It is definitely not going to help your recovery. As you know it is common for those with P addiction to have other addictions (alcohol, drugs etc). The point of the naloxone is to try to help you deal with P. The danger of Xanax etc is that you develop yet another addiction. I have to be very careful not to take diazepam too often or the same will happen to me.
Day 34, Quasi-relapse. Today, I watched 15+25 mins of P. No O, but still. First I did it for 15 mins and then rushed to sleep. I obviously couldn't. Took a quarter sleeping pill, but no effect. Then I took a xan, but I decided rather leave the bed and take a shower. Cold shower included. Then I restarted. I really didn't expect this second month to be that different from the first one. I feel quite lost. Today, I started to take Naltrexone daily again, but I feel that I already triggered something in my brain. I don't know how to put that back
Keep to the Naltrexone daily, it really should help. We all of us feel quite lost at times. But the key is to just accept the relapse, and move on. It is not the end of the world. Just make sure it doesn't become a sustained relapse. All the best
Day 35 - Relapse. Not PMOE, just MOE. But yesterday night I watched P as well... As @DBA says, I should just continue what I was doing. I hope the chaser effect will not be that strong. Hopefully, the Naltrexone helps with it at least. My mood has been quite low for a while and I wasn't strong enough to acknowledge them and move forward or to address them. And obviously, masturbation didn't help with that.
Yes, you will understandingly disagree with what I will write, but I would totally be okay with using drugs regularly if they help with a P and M free life. I don't mind using drugs, it can be a social activity, it can be revelating, but porn is purely toxic without any upside. And for me, M is exactly the same
