I have been clean since my previous post, although today I had some psubs (Instagram) and I touched myself under the shower (nothing serious). I don't feel it was dangerous yet, so I'm around day 10-11 now. Before that, I had one week of P (cca. 3 hours in total), before that another 10 days of being clean. I have written into my "analog" diary a couple of times this week and I also start challenges with my accountability partner. I'm still not meditating, probably I can restart when I'm back home again (in two weeks' time). I'm having a good time now, full of adventures, meeting new people, girls included. I just feel that many of them like me, I can talk to them naturally, even flirt with them, but cannot make that crucial step (like kissing them or just touching their hand). Am I afraid of not being appropriate? Am I afraid of rejection? Probably both. I have never done it, in my teenage years, I had a long-term relationship, so I didn't have to leave my comfort zone in this aspect. I don't know how to acquire such skills. Nevertheless, I'm doing relatively well with my addiction and it makes me satisfied.
Tbh, you need to take the lead when it comes to talking to women. You need to show her the way. And when it comes to touching, go bit by bit, go subtle and build it gradually. The subtle touching slowly leads to the kiss if done right. Remember it takes 2 to tango. And when you feel you want to kiss her, you got 2 options: 1. Ask her if you can kiss her 2. Slowly look into her eyes, and see when the time is right You'll know only the answer if she likes you back if you make the move. It's mostly never the other way around. Don't get stuck in the "what if", learn to take rejection, and move on.
That's fair advice, I just always followed the bit by bit path if I consider her relationship material. Just gradually build up tension and eye contact during conversation is important anyways. It's also pretty common for a first kiss to happen during good-bye after hugging.
I haven't been here for a while. I'm in touch with my accountability partner, but I think I gotta post here, too. I had a tough summer, I took quite a lot of drugs, I almost relapsed to smoking (but I stopped it!), I was drinking in September again (but I stopped), and then, in the first half of October, I was taking speed, coke, and ketamine (and hash). I gradually stopped using the stimulants and I'm decreasing (significantly) my ketamine dose, and from November, I will be clean. I quit smoking with this (counterintuitive) gradual approach, and I think it's working for the other stuff as well. Recently, my P consumption has been around 1 hour a week, but in September (more precisely, 5th Sept-5th Oct), I watched only 20 mins in a month. While with all the legal drugs, I can rather easily "turn the switch", with P, it's not easy. I'm gonna elaborate on it. I feel a discomfort in my body after MO even without viewing P. I'm saying it because disgust (maybe it's a too strong word) is an emotion that plays an important role in all my paths of recovery from different substances. I felt a slight disgust after quitting alcohol and smoking. This summer, I relapsed with both, and this emotion faded, but after stopping again, I started to feel this repugnance again. Quite quickly. Interestingly, it is the same with coffee. Two weeks ago, I was pretty sick with a GI infection and I couldn't drink it. Ever since I haven't restarted. I don't feel like drinking it because I feel a tiny bit of nausea just when I think about coffee. And I know precisely that I wouldn't vomit if I drank coffee, furthermore, I know that I like how it smells and tastes. But still, this bodily sensation associated with disgust is a crutch that helps me not relapse to legal drugs. Now I'm trying to emphasize this bodily discomfort for myself and associate it with the disgust I feel toward P. But the thing is that it feels sort of artificial. It feels that it's a top-down mechanism, it's something I'm consciously trying to feel. While with alcohol, cigarettes, and coffee, this sensation just appeared, with P, I'm trying to create it. Do I really feel disgusted? Or am I angry or frustrated instead? Or am I just sad because I've wasted my life with P? Even though one hour a week is a big step ahead compared to the past, my years are just passing by, so I should stop it right now. After writing this post, I feel that I rationalize my addictions too much, I philosophize instead of acting on them. I should just focus on not relapsing every week instead of contemplating on my relapses. Anyways, I hope y'all are feeling great and are achieving your goals. I wish you strength and happiness!
