One of the many first days

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Newwaynewlife, Mar 16, 2022.

  1. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I just had an hour nap (or a bit more) and my anxiety is even worse. First, I felt that it's transformed to a sort of sadness, but no, I can feel it strongly in my stomach. I don't think I'll relapse to P, but I have quite some things to do and it paralyzes me. Shall I take a xanax? I haven't taken one for a week, I'm just afraid that it damages my spleen. Btw, the pain has almost entirely disappeared in the past days.
  2. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    I'll be blunt, from your posts I notice an insane amount of hyperchondria. Obsession with sleep, drugs, spleen, kidney, livet etc

    It's not wise to ask lay people regarding Xanax, you definitely should ask qualified people.

    Practice gratitude, for most an erection is a good thing, dreaming is too yet you skip this to focus on negatives. Deep in your heart you know you must change things, if you don't well... more decades of this await you. And from my vantage point if you don't care, why should anyone else.

    Try not to take it personal, I'm surprised a therapist hasn't told you what's so patently obvious, you're 30 something, you're no teen or minor. Stop complaining and take action!
  3. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Yes, I've always been an anxious person, and hypochondria is part of my anxiety disorder. But even though I know, the fact that I also have substance abuse disorder and I have used a lot of drugs in the past decades just makes it worse (I mean it would be reasonable to have more serious health problems).

    Well, I wouldn't mind skipping these erections now as it would make my reboot easier, and I also wouldn't mind not waking up early in the morning as restful sleeping happens for me once in a blue moon, but I get what you're saying. I will try to be grateful during flatlines of the next months when I won't even remember how erections feel like :D

    I hope you won't take it personally, but I'm not sure if I understand the rest of your message. For me, writing here, describing my emotions (fears) and my situation while having an anxiety attack actually is taking action. I mean, in the end, I managed not to relapse yesterday, even though I felt like shit. But that's true for sure that I must sound pathetic during an anxiety attack :D

    Thank you for commenting, and wish you a nice day!
  4. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Day 7.
    I'm really horny. and I'm on the verge of a relapse.
    I have to prepare a presentation for tomorrow, but I've been procrastinating all day. Mostly because I feel that if I'm in front of the laptop, I can easily relapse.
    At least I went running, but after that, when I started to work I ended up watching P for 4-5 mins on Twitter. Now I set my blockers even stricter and I will manage it. If I feel a second urge approaching, I go to sleep right away and I will prepare the presentation tomorrow in the early morning.
    I won't relapse. And I will finish this presentation today. Fuck this shit.
  5. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Exactly! Flatlines will come and you'll end up missing erections again erections may come and they'll bother you. That's man's nature, we're insatiable, and any substance/behavioural addiction is the biggest manifestation of this. We want more, but we hate when we use.

    I can't take anything personal, Im kind've 'asking for it' by commenting on your journal and I enjoy reading your comments, particularly the bit about writing as a means to mitigate an anxiety attack, that was interesting, I'd never heard it expressed that way.

    Now 'pathetic' as you wrote, I don't think you do, that's your word not mine. I would have added to hypochondriac, pedantic, overscrupulous and nitpicking. You don't need to bully yourself, when you can just as much be the voice that fights and makes a bully submit.

    My issue with psychology is it fetishises the past, I too as well as anyone could blame my childhood for discovering p early but all it does it treat symptoms not the problem. Also, it sacralises 'feelings' and idc about that, feelings change, that's normal. Admittedly, I'm old school, because facts don't lie prior generations were happier, they dealt better with life before today's new age spirituality mush, to which I'd add psychology.

    I'm a serial optimist, and I believe almost religiously in the power of words. They're sacred, amazing words heal, can cure, invite forgiveness, bad words can sow enmity, and can at times do more damage than a beating.

    Be kind to yourself, how we treat ourselves sets the standards for how others will treat us.

    Wishing you a clean weekend man, you're far more powerful than you know!
  6. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Thank you for your answer! Let's agree to disagree for now with respect to psychology, bc I think it will generate really interesting conversations! For instance, I'm not entirely sure that older generations were happier (can you back it with some data?). If we assume that they were, I believe that it's not the lack of therapy that made them happier, but it's rather the hopelessness stemming from our fucked-up social-economic system and from the irreversible environmental damage we caused to the planet. B
    I just want to react to these sentences of yours, you might be interested in (the abstract of :D ) these articles. Actually, talking about emotions help a lot

    Thanks for the good wishes (my last two days were not really successful, but at least not in terms of P), I wish you a clean weekend, too. Btw, do you have a journal as well?
  7. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I relapsed to MO twice in the past two days, so I will reset my counter. Yesterday night, a friend of my (from another continent) called me when I wanted to go to sleep and we had a nice conversation. But after that, I couldn't fall asleep again, and I M'd. Fun fact: it didn't help to fall asleep.
    I'm not proud of myself but not desperate either. As I wrote to my AP: it may be a step towards my goal, because I did not binge P for two nights, but I still consider them a relapse. I should just stay away from it for 12-14 weeks, which really don't sound that long compared to the 10-15 years period I spent with trying to fight this shit. Most people here could live 90 days without orgasms, right?
    Have a clean day, weekend, week, and life!
  8. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Just relapsed to PMO. For 30 mins. I can't believe that I'm here again. Day 0.
  9. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Thanks for the journals, I don't disagree at all with you that talking about emotions helps, by the way this used to be norm up until recent times. No one needed therapists just friends and family, nowadays people scarcely have the former, and value less the latter. I like neuroscience, and new findings in neuroplasticity, I love that, why not? If essentially it teaches that we can change our brains, and nothing is set in stone, it's worth embracing. Norman Doidge's book The Brain That Changes itself is a classic in that regard.

    I find that for me psychology as a late 19th century and 20th century phenomenon of course it's emergence coincides with the late part of the industrial revolution and the population and technological changes and then since maybe the 70s, the onset of Neoliberalism which has engendered a form of atomisation and individualisation that has brought us to the present. There were thinkers like Milton Friedman who hated welfare state, any form of 'big govt' believing all should be privatised. Knowing his ideas would be unpopular he advocated govts take advantage of crisis such as Hurricane Katrina, Iraq War etc to begin privatising and reversing what people voted for. (Source: Shock Doctrine, Naomi Klein).

    People are right to feel depressed but they lose the right to complain if they always vote against their best interests. I'm sure as a psychologist you might be able to better explain why people are so contradictory. I'm from the UK so we had people vote for Brexit, and thanks to that we've got higher inflation than most EU nations, we lost the right to live, work and study in Europe. I'm a millennial, as are most here, so of course we'd be sad that the nation has shot itself in the foot, and the young are victims of the caprices of the old, who've already lived their best years.

    If I can describe our societies I feel we have a lot of intergenerational resentment. Older gens assume we're lazy, more violent, 'snowflakes', but they forget their gens were the first to have had free healthcare (at least in Europe), better pensions, easier to buy homes. That alone would make our gens less optimistic about the future (source:

    Btw, I really dislike ybr on mobile, I wrote a longer response and just wrote it all (copy and paste never copies all of it ‍♂️ and I keep getting logged out). Aaaaahhh, lol I hate being such a luddite in all regarding technology.

    To try to recall, in response to your q regarding a journal, I don't have one atm. I definitely see the value in light of our exchanges, and will leave that door open. As of this moment, my preference is for commenting because it helps me get out of my own head and counteracts the selfishness of addiction. Commenting for me, serves as an affirmation that I don't need porn, and it reminds me of why it's in my best interest to avoid p.

    The first week will fly by, don't worry, embrace the pain and discomfort, a plant has to lean towards the light, a baby has to cry to get fed by its parents. We have to suffer to get to where we're headed, and you've got what it takes to do this!

    ^and that is why, excellent points, all true man!!! What is a few weeks to people who've been addicts several decades? Nothing! ;)
  10. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I disappeared after my last relapse. I had 4 clean days, then I came back home, where the old environment triggered the old behavior. Also, I can switch on the blocker on my laptop, but not the one on the router/wifi, so I can moderately easily access P. I PMO'd for four days. Today is the third day without P, but I MO'd today and yesterday.
    My very supportive AP suggested me not focus on the counter but rather on challenges. I set up challenges in 5 different "acts" (PMO, PM, P, MO, M), and I get a :D once I accomplish a level out of the 13 (1 day, 3 days, 6 days, ...). Once I accomplish the given category, I get a :D and the counter restarts, but I will never lose what I have accomplished. I don't know if it helps. Right now, I don't have P cravings, but I'm extremely horny and I could start fantasizing at any moment. Nevertheless, what I must focus on now is not opening an incognito tab.

    ## 1 # 3 # 6 # 10 # 15 # 21 # 28 #
    ## 36 # 45 # 55 # 66 # 78 # 91 #
    ## PMO # :D____________#
    ## PM # :D_____________#
    ## P # :D______________#
    ## MO #_______________#
    ## M #_______________#
  11. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I'm going through a breakup from a friendship. I have known him for 30 years. We have had a conflict for 5 years now, a conflict where I was hurt a lot by a third person, a conflict where my friend did not stand up for me. I feel that I am the only one who takes steps to resolve it. He rejects going to therapy even though he suppresses all his emotions, and it damages our friendship as well.
    I've been free from P for four days. But not from MO. And not from drugs. And I stopped taking my medication to avoid problems with the interactions.
    I'm running out of amphetamine now, fortunately. Tomorrow, I will restart taking naltrexone and bupropion. Luckily, I will not spend much time at home and it reduces further the chance to relapse to P. And recently, I managed not viewing P in the past days despite not having proper blockers
    I keep on realizing that most of my life is full of secrets and that it's not necessarily because I don't want to share. I feel that I have made my life way too complicated even for another addict to follow or understand.
    So I have consumed a gram of speed in a week, more or less half gram of ketamine, and some mdma. In the past 3 weeks, I had 3 P-free days, then 3-4 days of relapse, then 4 clean days, then 5 days of relapse, and today is day 5 without P. I have MO'd 3 times in these 5 days, though.
    My challenge for the next week is to reach 10 days without watching P and 3 days without MO.
    I will try to post as much as I can and react to your replies. I hope everything is going well with you guys.

    ## 1 # 3 # 6 # 10 # 15 # 21 # 28 #
    ## 36 # 45 # 55 # 66 # 78 # 91 #
    ## PMO # :D:D____________#
    ## PM # :D:D_____________#
    ## P # :D:D______________#
    ## MO #:D_______________#
    ## M #_______________#
  12. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    I completely resonate with you I don't like spineless people, I can't respect them. In my friendships I'd go to war for my friends. However, atst I always try to say salvage friendships/relationships if you can, communicate this to him and let him know, people will always think they can get away with behaviours if we ourselves don't place barriers. So be firm, but like I say personally I'm on the side of trying to heal these old friendships if you can and if it doesn't have an adverse effect on your health.

    With regards to drugs that's quite the cocktail, in a way I'm quite impressed at how highly functional you are despite all that. I can only imagine once you kick these, you'll be like the most effective mind out there.

    You're life, my life, our addict lives certainly are full of secrets, like they say you're only as sick as your secrets. And I for one am not sure in secrets.

    I like your goals system, I hope you heal @Newwaynewlife, you're a good dude, very positive, open-minded and a great asset here on YBR, and deserve nothing short of the best.

    Wishing you a great week ahead bro, stay out your house after work and enjoy the sun :cool:;)
  13. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Hi @1MoreLookAway ,

    It felt really nice to read your post. Thanks a lot!
    Yes, I have been fighting for years, taking conflicts that can be constructive, trying to be assertive, sharing my emotions and vulnerabilities, and expressing my needs, but I got no solidarity, no support, he just doesn't want to leave his comfort zone for a friendship... I have put all my effort in it and now I feel some sort of relief. But it's still sad...

    Today, I woke up extremely early (I slept around 5 hours). After trying to fall back asleep for an hour and a half, I got up and meditated. I still use K, not only for meditation, but no more stimulants. I restarted my medication. In the upcoming 2-3 weeks, I'll phase out illicit drugs from my daily life and take only naltrexone & bupropion again. I'm going to travel a lot in August and I'm in a long trip in September, so I won't be able to take drugs in the next months. It's interesting what you write about being functional; I feel that these substances make me functional, otherwise, I would be trapped in a web of anxiety, procrastination and lethargy. But we will see.

    ## 1 # 3 # 6 # 10 # 15 # 21 # 28 #
    ## 36 # 45 # 55 # 66 # 78 # 91 #
    ## PMO # :D:D____________#
    ## PM # :D:D_____________#
    ## P # :D:D______________#
    ## MO #:D_______________#
    ## M #_______________#
  14. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I'm back after an extremely long summer break. I spent two and a half weeks in my home country, after that, 5 days in the woods with friends, and 3 more days at my place with them. I watched P twice, more or less 25 mins in sum (without O)
    I have been taking drugs on a daily basis for around 3 months now (or more). It is my second day without anything and I also restarted my medication (150 mg bupropion + 25 mg naltrexone), I smoked a cigarette both today and yesterday, though. And I was also smoking during the past two weeks, not entire cigarettes, only puffs, but more or less 1-2 cigarettes a day. And also, there was a night before that, when I took quite some M, when I smoked 5-6 ciggies.
    Right now, I feel pretty bad, partly because I got cold in the woods and I've been sick for a week now, partly because I restarted the medication and Naltrexone makes me nauseous and dizzy, and definitely, because of withdrawal.
    Yesterday, I jerked off for P. I restart my counter today, and I believe that I will be able to track my progress properly from now on. I'm going on another vacation where I will be able to be online every day and probably I won't be too busy meeting friends who I haven't seen for a long time. I have to start a long drug-free period in my life, I haven't decided if it's one or two years.

    ## 1 # 3 # 6 # 10 # 15 # 21 # 28 #
    ## 36 # 45 # 55 # 66 # 78 # 91 #
    ## PMO # ______________#
    ## PM # _______________#
    ## P # ________________#
    ## MO #_______________#
    ## M #________________#
  15. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Relapse is due to poor planning and lack of coping
    I need to feel pride for past achievements and enthusiasm for the strengths recovery can bring about
    And compassionate/grateful to outnumber the egoistic/dark traits
    Forget shame, and maybe even guilt - but when you fuck up, go analyze thoroughly why and when you did it.
  16. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    Psychological flexibility means observing rather than taking my own bodily experiences, emotions, and thoughts too seriously. Focusing on long-term values and goals rather than short-term impulses, thoughts, and feelings. Of course, when I start living my values, clean pain comes along with it: the pain that I feel when something hurtful happens to us. In contrast, dirty pain is the result of our thoughts about how wrong this is, how it proves I -- and life -- are bad. Thus, beating myself up doesn't help or motivate me when I'm fed up with the annoying things that come with this.
    Still couldn't stop weed completely, luckily I gradually reduced tobacco to zero. I'm still smoking weed/hash though, but not much. The medications still make me a bit sick (mostly nausea and frequent urge to go to take a dumb). I took xanax today and yesterday, I think, maybe more. I watched ~1 min P yesterday, 5 mins the day before, nothing for two days before that and nothing today. I miss drugs and I'm disgusted by P. It eats up my life, my sexuality.
    Socially everything is improving, I guess.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    A great summary of what we're trying to accomplish here. thumbs up
    Also, a great summary statement. P gives us NOTHING of value but just eats us up and spits us out. No thank you!

    Strength to you for the journey ahead @Newwaynewlife !
    Newwaynewlife likes this.
  18. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I'm traveling a lot so I don't write here a lot. I live on friends' couches, before that friends stayed at mine, so I have way less private life than normally. I also cannot meditate that doesn't help a lot.
    I just had a great sunny day, I walked a lot and visited very nice places. I will meet a few friends of mine, and also my brother.
    I am slowly restarting learning language on Duolingo (I have been doing it for 2 days), I think I can keep this habit. I also started reading a novel, but it may not be my best choice. I'll see.
    P wise, I have watched 2-2,5 hours in the past month. Nevertheless, I started using Tinder again 2-3 days ago, but I just blocked it.
    All in all, I'm feeling good even though it's only my 5th or 6th clean day. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I treat myself with more compassion, that's for sure. I hope all of you are feeling well, too!
  19. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Sounds good, maybe you put on a guided walking meditation or put on some waves/rain sounds while you're in the shower, that's also helps to relax me a bit.
    I also read before bed and it calms me down.
    Also I do 10-20 min of body weight workouts on youtube after waking up, followed by a cold shower.
    The cold forces you to be in the moment/stops the rumination.
    Also boosts the immune system a lot, I barely get sick these days.
    Since I often have to deal with anxiety all that helps me somewhat to be better.

    Concerning dating apps they're a huge trigger for me then again I also found my wife there years ago.
    So luckily I don't have to use them anymore.
  20. Newwaynewlife

    Newwaynewlife Active Member

    I'm trying to come back here; I restarted to write to my diary (properly with pen :) ) and sometimes I also message my accountability partner, but I'm not doing well with journaling. I'm also not doing great with PMO, although not really horrible either. On average, I relapse once a week, for around 30 minutes in total, in the past week there were two relapses, though.
    I'm still traveling, 3 and a half weeks left, but to be honest, I could do more self-care activities. For instance, I could meditate every day and I don't do it.

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