This is the third time I start a journal here. I'm 34, M-addict since the first time I discovered my dick, P-addict since the age of 12. Started smoking and drinking when I was 14, synthetic drugs 6-7 years after that; quit smoking one and a half years ago, stopped drinking almost a year ago, clean from drugs for 7 months now. I'm taking an anti-depressant and sleeping pills for 7 months now and had a rather long P & MO-free streak, although I can't stop edging. I trace back my fantasy/M addiction to a serious body-image disorder, but I haven't been to a therapist with this specific issue. Have chronic pelvis pain as well as PE that makes my life almost unbearable. This is my first day without P, M, O, fantasizing, edging, or anything. Have been quite anxious and depressed as well as extremely tired. I'm getting back to my daily meditation as well as workout routine, but it's really difficult to get up in the morning so it's not easy to get back on track. I live abroad and am really lonely here even though I have quite some friends at home. Anyways, I must do at least 30 days without touching myself. I have to get rid of this pain and, more importantly, this PE, because otherwise it makes no sense to live. What I feel is that I'd need a rehab center where I have no external stressors, just one goal: be M-free. Wake up early, do sports, meditation, read, go to nature and go to bad early. But I cannot do it even though I could afford it for a couple of months. But I've been postponing it for years. So I just finished my first day and I really don't want to slip in the next 24 hours.
Day 2 I was at the verge of opening porn in my workplace; I basically did, but after that, I closed. Twice. I don't know that what I felt was simply the adrenaline (anyone could have seen me) or the dopamine rise. Anyways, it's pretty dangerous that there is no filters there. Nevertheless, after everyone left, I switched off my computer and worked on offline stuff. I couldn't really sleep last night either. I was extremely exhausted and went to sleep before ten. As far as I remember, I couldn't fall asleep easily, even though I took a half (of a half) sleeping pill. I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn't go back to deep sleep, so I took the other half, but then suddenly it was already morning. Hence, I slept in and couldn't really do my morning duties. Furthermore, I started to edge multiple times, but stopped after 1-2 seconds. On the contrary, there is a girl at work who I like and I waited for her after work. In the meantime, I could efficiently work on my stuff as well. We had a nice talk, even though I popped a Xanax before that. Anyways, I don't know how it will go, but I need any sort of company because I'm fucking lonely. My pelvic pain is 6/10 now and I should do my exercises to mitigate it, but then I cannot sleep before midnight. I should write more deeply about my emotions but it's not comfortable as I feel that if someone reads this thread can instantly figure out who I am. I know it's unrealistic, just anxiety, but still... I can't overcome it. I'm full of shame about my body and about my P-addiction.
I can't remove my counter, if anyone knows how to get rid of it, please let me know! Day 3 went by, I almost looked up some P at work, I felt the dopamine, but didn't watch any movie. Luckily weekend comes and at home, there is strong protection. I didn't fantasize/edge, at least not consciously (not more than for 1-2 seconds) There is a woman I'm seeing and I think there's some mess in between us. We're meeting tomorrow for a couple of hours, and it's possible that this will be the last one. It makes me a bit uncertain as I think that she expects more confirmation from me, but she doesn't verbalize it. Also, I think I give her quite a lot of confirmation, but I wasn't available for almost two weeks and I think that she takes it personally. In the meantime, she was with others as well and that might have had an impact on her. Anyways, tomorrow it will be clearer. Today I also socialized a bit with my colleagues, it was boring as any "Friday beer with coworekers" can be. Nevertheless, I received an email that got a small grant and that made me a bit proud and enthusiastic. There is this other girl at work we are talking (today she wasn't there) and I think she likes me as well (although I just read a paper about gender-biases in otehr perceptions, aka males tend to think that the female likes him more than actually she does), so I'm not sure Anyways, she is beautiful but lacks self-confidence;I'm pretty sure that if we go together (and let's disregard the fact that I'm basically impotent, so it wouldn't happen now), I lost interest quickly. This is just the initial dopamine rush I feel due to the excitement and uncertainty.
Slept around 12 hours again... Then I did some of my daily routines, meditation, jogging, and went to meet B (let's call her like this). We're still connected, but she told me that I shouldn't have sort of expectations in a sense that if she does something selfish or slightly offensive, I shouldn't tell her if I didn't like it, bc we're not that close (yet). On the one hand, I feel that it is emotional immaturity (or just selfishness), on the other, it may be a (sort of manipulative ?)tool of mine that I use. A way to show myself really self-reflected and assertive, but I just hide my insecurities (felt because of my body image disorder). Anyways, we won't have sex soon but probably will meet each other frequently. After that, I went to meet some people and we had fun. I stayed sober (I mean I took a mild tranquilizer, but didn't drink alcohol like everyone else did), and was communicative, easygoing, and funny. I enjoyed it. Nevertheless, doing all my routines, doing my work-related duties, having a social life, and sleeping enough just don't fit in my life. It sucks, but I really have to renounce from some at the expense of others, and usually deprive myself of social life seems the easiest, however - on the long run - the most destructive. Anyways, tomorrow we will co-work with some of these guys, but to be honest, I'm looking forward to Monday when I'll see this other girl I like. It's really unsure what will happen there.
Spoiler: Trigger I had a sexual dream where I was playing with the clit of a woman who was squirting as hell. Yesterday I went to sleep at 3am, so my whole today was fucked up. I basically didn't progress with anything today, and it's past midnight again Tomorrow, I will have to arrange multiple calls before start working so I rather go to sleep.
I think day 6 is over. I F'd again a bit but stopped in time. I also didn't use sleeping pills and my head is clearer during the day and my sleeping quality wasn't worse. I feel that regarding the story with B, it is the beginning of the end. I's odd, 2 weeks ago I was extremely enthusiastic and thrilled about her, and just her being not really intense and emotional but rather saying this being in this "go with the flow" attitude which is a hip term of being selfish and self-centered It's such a turn-off. It would be practical to be with her (because she's well-integrated here and finally, I'd have some local contact to ask questions from and so on), but otherwise, it's probably not the way I wanna go. Nevertheless, with the other girl in work, there may be something. She didn't reply me during the entire weekend, on Sunday morning she sent 3 words, and today we didn't really look at each other. But then, in the afternoon, she texted me. However, these are quite unsubstantial messages, we don't really talk about ourselves. She may have a bf but she probably likes me and she's probably balancing between the two before telling it to me. Or she just doesn't want to start anything with a colleague. Which is not a bad idea. What I'm pretty sure about is that despite being beautiful, she doesn't have much self-confidence but it doesn't explain why she doesn't reply for days. It's also possible that she doesn't like me, but her smile tells a different story. Otherwise, today I was sort of productive at work and also socialized a bit. Tomorrow evening the first week will be over.
Strength on your journey and latest streak @Newwaynewlife . I think if you click on your username in the bar on the top right, then Signature, you can highlight and remove your day counter from your signature there so it won't appear anymore on your posts.
Hi @Rudolf Geyse ! Thank you for the advice, I could eliminate it with your help I wish you strength in your journey along with meningful human relationships and purpose in your life! Together we are stronger!
So I could get rid of the counter. I will start one one I feel that I don't watch any P anymore. It implies that today I watched some. During work, I watched some gifs in a site I have added to the filter since then and then I continued on Twitter as well (I disabled it as well in my home network). In total, I think it wasn't more than 20-25 minutes. I know that P alone damages my brain, but my main problem is my pelvic pain and PE, and these are worsened only by M. And I didn't touch myself at all, so the first week without M is over. Now I need 12 more. At least. Otherwise today I worked a bit, but realized that I have even more stuff to finish by the end of next week than what I had thought. Anyways, good weather is here and it will give me more energy. After work, I went jogging and I ran the best time maybe all time. After that, I did all my exercises (I didn't do them in the past days), and realized that even G texted (the other girl from work) texted me back. So the next days are going to be tough, but I really have to focus on my body and mind beyond my work (3 different projects actually). Hopefully the second week will be P free as well.
Day 8 without M, day 1 without P. Yesterday couldn't fall asleep again, so this morning woke up late, even though I didn't take a sleeping pill. Today I was on the sun all day and trying to work; wasn't the most productive day, but not too bad either. G basically asked me out on a date on Friday; I still have to let her know that I'm not mono; and also tell my gf that something may happen. G seems shy, I assume that she's rather conservative and won't be open to an open relationship. But anyway, I have to go ahead and approach girls to rewire my dopamine system to real people.
Day 9/2 daytime. Again couldn't wake up, was snoozing my phone for two hours... It's the worst one can do I don't get it, 6 months ago, I could get up at half past 5; it wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. An I could do it even after taking sleeping pills. It's true that back then I went to sleep beween 10-11pm. But if I do that, I will have no social life. Anyways, I'm in work now and I had the chance to look up anything, but I decided to close even Instagram. I may have taken the first step again towards P-free life. I wil post here later.
Day 9/2. Just second chack-in. I didn't have a productive day, but in the evening, I could take care of my body. Also, I seem to be back on my daily morning meditation routine (today was 10 days in a row) In the past 6 months, when I had P-free periods for 4-5 months and O-free for 20-40 days. Back then I realized that I could easily cry. When I used to smoke, I thought that when I quit, all the disgusting tarry phlegm that accumulated in my body would come up my throat gradually. This didn't happen, but it happens with quitting P. All that disgusting emotional repression will come up, and the tears underneath break free. This is what I can't wait to come.
I had a horrible night. I couldn't fall asleep, so started edging. After a relatively short time, I stopped and got up. However, I tried to seep again and again and started to M again and again. I don't know how much time in total, maybe 30 minutes, before I could finally fall asleep. And you know what happened? I had a wet dream, furthermore, with a P actress starring in it. I had had it twice in my life before this. Both during my reboots, but never related to P. Moreover, I cannot completely disentangle it from the edging session before falling asleep, even though I used to do it almost every time I went to sleep, and I didn't have wet dreams every night. Not even on nights when I had been E-free for three weeks (like now). The only difference is that I hadn't M for 10 days - I don't know if it matters. Anyways, I couldn't fall asleep again for quite some time, then I couldn't get out of my bed in the morning, I couldn't meditate, I had a bit of brain fog, feelings of guilt, and some pelvic pain and extreme strong fatigue. Nevertheless, the day itself was pretty nice, B called me, then we went out with G, and during the day, I could even progress with work. I won't set back the counter, but this is the last time. Next edging, even for 3 seconds, is a new day 0.
day 11/4 This is how I feel now. I had POIS a couple of years ago, but at least from real sex. This wet dream has defeated me. And I have an important interview in 48 hours and I cannot focus at all
still day 11/4 This wet dream also made me hornier, or whatever we call it. Strengthened the physical withdrawal symptoms in my dick. Today, I have mostly lacked productivity and procrastinated quite a lot (okay, I cleaned the bathroom which really needed it, but the timing wasn't the best). It sucks because I have around 40 hours until the interview and I should make a presentation. Today will try to sleep early with sleeping pill and tomorrow will force myself somehow to get up early, meditate, work out, eat, and work on it as much as I can.
I think today was a relapse. The interview went pretty well, but I didn't sleep a lot and after that I started to surf the internet. found some nude photos and spent around 15 mins while touching myself. Furthermore, yesterday, when I couldn't fall asleep, I started to M &edge. According to my promise, it counts both M and P, so DAY 0/0 At the same time, I don't feel really devastated, I feel that I didn't damage myself that much. I took some tranquilizer nad I'm gonna sleep soon.
I'm on day 1 again. I think that, at least in the first month, I will not count days. If everything is as it looks, I can start a CBT soon, furthermore, I will try to persuade myself to go to an SLAA meeting. It is even more difficult than (starting) journaling. Yesterday, I think that I felt that specific mix of emotions (depression, anxiety, and tiredness) that is the proximal predictor of relapse. I felt it today as well, but so far, I'm good. I really have to go for a walk in these instances. Going outside helps a lot, and summer is almost here, so I will do it more often. I have constant pain in my pelvis and I come basically in 5 seconds. Even when I take ED medication. It is due to really low dopamine; I know because when I jack up my dopamine before sex with P and drugs, I can take much longer. So basically, whenever my body has the opportunity to boost its dopamine levels through its few receptors, it does so by ejaculating as soon as possible. I really hope that it will change. In the past months, I had some examinations with a neurologist and they don't see anything. I don't know if it's good news or bad. What I feel, is that I always have new things to do (now, for example, a phd), and I never leave time for myself to cure my addiction and other issues. I think I have enough savings to live without working for 6 months, but I've many (unrealistic) fears (e.g. this is my last chance, next year, I won't find any opportunity) and I believe that people have a lot of expectations and that I will go even lower on the status ladder if I don't show that I achieved all sorts of institutional as well as informal titles. To be honest, I wouldn't care much about this sort of status (be it organizing a festival or an exhibition, being DJ or a contemporary artist, organizing a social movement or being a politician, teaching at a university), I feel that most people achieve these things to be able to show off and to hide their real anxieties and weaknesses. There are some professions, such as teacher, social worker, psychologist, doctor, journalist, that are prestigious even in my eyes, but I still don't think that anyone should work more than 15 hours a week and anyone should derive their status from their job. What I believe is that we should gain status through the way we take care of each other, how we spend intimate and honest time with each other, how we form and maintain profound relationships. This thought has been on my mind for a very long time. And why do I write about it? Because I cannot decide if it comes from deep inside or it is just a motivated reasoning because I didn't chieve this sort of status and people with this sort of status don't give a fuck about me. And as everyone knows, status is related to dopamine. As I have always had low D (and apparently it's getting lower and lower), I haven't become a high status person (compared to what my social background would have enabled me). Nevertheless, once I am not one, and I can see them from the outside, and I must say that many of them are very antipathetic So it's difficult to imagine how I will look like once I overcome this shit. Anyways, I'm way off topic. I haven't watched P for two weeks, but I MOE'd 5 times since then. Otherwise, I'm doing fine with my self-care activities; I'm meditating 1-2 times a day, jogging 4-5 times a week, taking cold showers. Nevertheless, I can't stop myself from checking out girls. And this was one of the most crucial steps last time when I had a long streak. So this is my current short-term goal.
Today, I decided that instead of counting days, I will rate my behavior for the given day. For today, I will give a 6.5/10. I overslept and instead of working out and meditating in the morning, I was late from work. After that, I progressed quite a bit (not enough though, I'm very behind with a project because I felt paralyzed in February-March because of the war), also socialized with a colleague. Nevertheless, I checked on Instagram several times. Tomorrow, I will try to block it on my work computer. During the day, I caught myself checking out girls, but I successfully diverted my attention from them twice. When I got home, I worked out, had a cold shower and other daily routines, and I also sent an application. Now, I'm gonna meditate and sleep. It's high time, because it's almost 2 am. I'm trying to get back to my "go to bed at 10 pm" routine, but not hard enough. Today, when I was really low, I took quite some mucuna; normally, I should take 6 pills and I don't feel anything, now I took 8, and I'm full of motivation. I should be careful with it, but still, it has quite some interactive effect with my antidepressant (I mean I really expected it to have based on their mechanism of action, but up to now, there was none), but it will probably wear off due to tolerance. Anyways, I should use it only in the first 3-4 weeks. As for my thoughts yesterday: I think there are competitive and cooperative people. They should be equal in a just world just as extraverts and introverts. However, this society rewards extraverts (even if they over-socialize so that they don't have to pay attention to their own feelings) and competitive people (even though competing is always easier as it doesn't require coordination, but big changes are always the result of collective efforts). So there is only one option: I have to grow enough self-esteem to be able to not give a fuck about status and not winning a competition I don't even want to take part of I have my own battles with my self-image and with my addiction, but I don't want to fight them through defeating others.
Fifth day without E or O, but still edging. However, for the first week or two, my main task is to stop checking out girls, and I think I'm progressing with it. Nevertheless, for the past two days, I wouldn't give myself a score higher than 6.5. Okay, yesterday may be 7 as I went to bed pretty early, even though I couldn't fall asleep before midnight. So yesterday I was finally working on long-term project (I have to finish it in 2 months), and it turned out that a crucial step is impossible to do (there is no data available), so I will have to find another way - I might get help tomorrow, but if ot, that's a huge stress factor - an we all know what that means. The day before yesterday, I stayed at the office until 8 with this colleague with whom we are really attracted to eachother. Nothing serious happened, but she doesn't know that I have gf, my gf doesn't know that I like her. She gave me a massage, and was waiting for me to kiss her, but I don't want it before telling it to my gf. At the same time, it's almost 100% that she is monogamous, furthermore, it's not wise to start an affair with a in your work (even though I am here only 4 more months.) Anyways, today was the first day that I managed to wake up really early and by 9 I did almost all of my daily routines. I really hope that today I can fall asleep early and don't start edging, in the bed, under the shower, or anywhere. My pelvis really needs rest.
Still fifth day. Today, I haven't been very productive but in a really good mood. OK, I took quite a lot of mucuna to reduce procrastination, but I think that getting up early and working out, meditating, and having a cold shower before 8 helps me a lot. Normally, after a day like this, I would keep on working until 2 am, but now I will try to fall asleep before half past ten. It is incredibly difficult for me to find the balance between external motivations (e.g. work) and internal motivation (healing). I like my job, but the deadlines put a lot of pressure on me and it would be way easier to have a couple of months without focusing to anything else than my health. I already told it several times, but I'm just not brave enough to do so. Anyways, today was mostly a success, haven't touched myself at all, I receive a 9/10
