One More Battle

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Mar 7, 2019.

  1. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/7/2019

    0 days – Porn free


    3/7/2019 – Day 1 – 11:25 PM


    So, I find myself back here after my latest embarrassment. I went to a strip club last night and was propositioned by a stripper. This wasn’t the first time I attempted to hook up with a stripper but this one was a complete and udder failure. In retrospect I knew I wasn’t in a good position with my problem. Through I hadn’t PMO in over 2 weeks, I had been viewing porn and edging quite a bit. In the past I had gone two weeks with no porn and I was able to perform, not to my full capability but it was something. So, I’m back recommitting to abandoning porn. I need to get healthy, I need to get cured. No big promises, no declaration, one day at a time.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 1 day with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  2. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Good luck man. I'll be following along with your journal. How long have you been addicted to pmo/porn? What steps do you plan to take in order to abstain?
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Welcome back!

    Good attitude here. Don't compare yourself to other people but to the man you were yesterday.

    And take it day by day. That helped me a lot when I binged in the past. Not 90 or 100 days, not one month, just the current day.
     
    Merton likes this.
  4. big54

    big54 Member

    Thanks man honestly probably been addicted to porn since high school, I've been trying to quit since 2015. I don't know what steps I can really take. Just resisting the urge. There is nothing that's going to stop me from finding porn if I really want to. I'm always in front of a computer for either my job or my hobby, which is writing and programming. So, just having will power is all I can really do. I may start going on walks when the urges start getting bad but I got a few days before that happens.
     
  5. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/9/2019


    3/9/2019 – Day 2 – 2:25 AM


    Another day down, boredom is my greatest enemy when it comes to rebooting. Boredom and curiosity, even now 48 hours into a reboot I find myself wondering what cam models are live. If this one site I go to has been updated recently. I do know what my next step needs to be. I need to delete the stored web pages. That will make it harder to relapse when the urge strikes. Harder but obviously not impossible. The ultimate step is to delete my porn collection outright, but I’m not ready for that yet. Right now I moved it upstairs and am primarily banking on my laziness to override my horniness when the times comes. I know these are not the best steps to take to reboot, but I plan on using my latest embarrassment to fuel this reboot as long as I can. I’m in a different place now then I was in previous reboots. What happened Wednesday night gave me a glimpse at a future for myself that terrifies me. I find myself afraid to talk to women, well not afraid, just no longer 100% confident. And an inability to talk to women was never my problem. I’ve always been blessed with the gift of gab. But I don’t want to even sniff the possibility of intimacy anytime soon. Judging from my past, the real battle begins Tuesday. Going 4-5 days without porn is level 1 of a video game. Though, I’m going to turn down the overconfidence cause I know what happens if I get cocky. So I’m going to focus on Saturday. Most of the day is planned except for a few hours, but I will do better.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 1 day with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  6. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019


    Current Date – 3/10/2019


    3/9/2019 – Day 3 – 3:45 AM


    Damn this disease, damn it to hell. Now, I will explain my night to anyone reading this and you can let me know if I read the situation wrong. I went to my local bar tonight after a shift driving Uber. I go there to eat and get a few drinks in. Well, this night as I’m finishing up my food this attractive female says something to her friend. I can’t actually make out what she said but I turned in the direction because I didn’t realize anyone was that close to me. She starts saying to me “You didn’t hear that” She says it several times and I repeat to her that I didn’t hear her. We laugh and then she said, “I said, I’m messed up” We both laugh and I turn back to my drink. Now, I know that introduction is half the battle and my introduction was there. Then she proceeds to say to her friend, I’m willing to sleep with anyone here tonight, I mean anyone. She says this several time within earshot but I have to ignore it. So, I say damn this disease. Cause that was the opportunity I’ve been hoping for at this bar for months. But I know I’m in no position to chase any woman. But nights like this give me the strength to get through this. Well, 3 days down, there were some whispers from the beast, but nothing I couldn’t silence. I always find when I actively try to reboot my mind thinks about porn more than usual. I will stay strong, I’m not trying to miss opportunities like tonight again.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 3 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  7. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019


    Current Date – 3/11/2019


    3/11/2019 – Day 4 – 11:32 PM


    So, 5 days down and on I’m on the eve of my first real test. I’m working from home on tomorrow and the monster inside me has already been whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I’m calling him Petey from here on, P-Porn, Petey from Remember the Titans, because ya killing me Petey. Anyway, I rather refer to him as Petey then the monster or the beast or any kind of empowering nickname. So, I decided that giving up porn wasn’t going to be hard enough, no I decided to give up sugary snacks as well. It’s part of my attempt to get in somewhat decent shape. I’ve been told by female friends that if I lose a few pounds they want first crack, lol. So, cure this PIED by summertime, show off the new body at the beach, finally have my summer of love. I’ve also decided to go back to the trip club in 5 weeks, I know that seems like a random amount of weeks but it coincides with the end of one workout plan and the beginning of another. I can’t guarantee that I’ll end up in the same situation, and honestly I’m pretty sure I won’t. But I want to give myself another opportunity. Well, that’s my plan right now. But I’m getting 5 weeks ahead of myself.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 6 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  8. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019


    Current Date – 3/13/2019


    3/11/2019 – Day 7 – 11:32 PM


    So when I wake tomorrow it will be one week. I guess this is a good time to talk about my relationship with porn. I’ve been reading through some post and I don’t feel like I’m as addicted to others, but I know that is probably a mix of ignorance, arrogance and overconfidence. So I’m going to detail my history with porn. Hopefully, once I see it out there I can realize how bad I actually am.

    I remember my first introduction to porn was some random hardcore magazine, I think it was my brothers, we used to switch rooms a lot in my house so I had his room after him. I remember when my mother found it and we had that awkward conversation that most parents have with this kids. I think I was 12. After that I graduated to visual porn, the HBO series real sex. I remember I used to record them and watch them when it was time to PMO. I feel like my addiction was actually stronger then. I PMO’d almost daily it seemed like. I do remember one time getting a hold of a hardcore video and rigging up two VCRs together to copy the video, may be one of the most extreme things I did for porn. I think I may have been 18 at that time. Around the age of 20, I was put in charge of the cable bill and promptly added Cinemax to the package. On top of that I brought a device that would hide my PPV orders and began ordering hardcore stuff through PPV and recording them. I actually had those tapes until I move to my current city. Yes, those tapes went with me to college, though by that me I had already found the internet. I was paying for some sites as well as amassing a decent size DVD collection.

    Through all of this though porn never directly affected my relationships. I could still talk to and flirt with women. Through I didn’t have the ability to close, and really I’m still not a great closer. I look back on it and I realize my problem was I associated PMO with sex, so when I would have a great conversation with a woman I would simply go home and PMO. Sometime in my 20s I got into a habit of PMOing 3 days a week, I never craved porn, never watched it outside of PMO, but I was in a relationship with it for sure. At this point I was a 27 year old virgin before I finally had my first real shot at sex and couldn’t perform. I had no idea why and thought it was just the fact that I didn’t really like the girl. It would be 3 years before I would have another shot. This girl I liked, this one I thought could be special. And it was then that I started researching PIED, that was 5 years ago when I made my first attempt at a reboot.

    The first attempt was pretty good, I made it 20 days before caving to softcore porn. I actually saw that as a sign of progress, being able to get off on softcore porn was impossible. Flash forward to today, and more reboot attempts then I can count I’m here now.

    Through all that I never felt a need for porn, I honestly think more about it when I try to give it up then when I just don’t care. I realize though these thoughts are just Petey waking up. These past 7 days the urge has been close to non-existent. In the past when I’ve gotten this far I’d start browsing cam sites to see if I was flat-lining or not, and once I looked the flood gates were open. I made through yesterday no problem, the next danger zone moment for me is this weekend. Saturday afternoon on a 10-day reboot as a struggle, but I’m prepared. But I won’t start looking ahead, going to focus on make it through tomorrow. Sorry for the mini-novel guys, but I needed to see how much I’ve been depending on porn for most of my life. And I didn’t go as detailed as I could’ve. Maybe I come back to this if I need to.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 7 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019


    Current Date – 3/15/2019


    3/15/2019 – Day 7 – 1:00 AM


    So I made it a week, though Petey did start whispering to me. Last night I had a vivid dream that upset me, because in the dream I was looking for porn to PMO to. It was slightly upsetting when I woke up. I have dreams like that before when I gave up sugar for 4 weeks. I dreamt I had some cookies and woke up feeling like I broke my diet. Last night I didn’t PMO in my dream but I woke up feeling like I failed the no porn part. But it was all a dream. To make matters worse I had what I can best call THE porn thought. Backstory, before I was rebooting I would think about the porn scene I was planning on using on my way home. I normally don’t spend most of the day thinking about porn, usually the thought creeps in at a certain point, when I switch from one highway to the next. I didn’t realize until today that it always hit me at the same time.

    I’m going to continue the fight because that’s all I can do. I have to stay focused because tomorrow night should be my first real challenge.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 7 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.


    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict


    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I know those dreams. I think they are our addicted brain telling us what it wants us to do.

    But dreams are dreams. We cannot control them (unless you are practicing lucid dreaming) and therefore shouldn't feel bad if we have a dream like this.

    Congrats on going a week!
     
  11. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date -3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/17/2019

    3/17/2019 – Day 10 – 3:54 AM


    9 days, I think it’s been relatively easy so far because I’ve been in flat line more or less since I started. I think the embarrassment of my failure plus the mini binge before I started the reboot may have broken me, lol. In the past when I would flat line for this long I would look at soft core stuff to see if it still work. The addict brain is capable of anything. My addiction is whispering to me, that is how it’s chosen to attack me. It’s smart, I keep waiting for one big urge to hit, but it’s just been whispers, random thoughts of scenes and wondering what cam girls are live. I’ve been good at keeping myself busy and occupied, I haven’t had much down time in these past 9 days which has been a godsend. Now, I just have to make it through the weekend, and mainly tonight. I’m probably going to be a little buzzed when I get home, but I’m focused right now. I will be focused tonight.


    So, I wrote all of that about 9 hours ago but never posted it, and now the situation has changed slightly. As I left the bar tonight I felt my first major urge. I think this is the closest I’ve come to wanting to PMO since I started the reboot, and even still it wasn’t as bad as I’ve experienced before. Thankfully I’m too tired to act upon it. I’ll take the default victory tonight


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 10 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  12. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/18/2019

    3/19/2019 – Day 11 – 12:12 AM

    So I find myself have random moments of weakness these past couples of days. Nothing major yet, but just fleeting moments. I open a certain torrent site I used to use primarily for porn and even selected the porn section. I didn’t click on anything or see anything, but it was a dangerous moment honestly. I think I was slightly overconfident these past 10 days. Oh, I just hit 10 days, maybe that what it is, the addiction is creeping in. I have to be more vigilant, it only takes one moment of weakness to open the flood gates. I have to focus on why I’m doing that. These may not be the noblest reason but I just want to be able to talk to a female and not fear being unable to perform if the moment arises. I want to be able to have sex like I’m on a Sondra Rhimes show. Not, I understand some people won’t get that joke, to sum it up the characters on her shows have sex at the most inappropriate times. I couldn’t get it up for a stripper, so I have a long way to go. I can’t tell if I’m going through withdrawal yet, I’ve always been moody at work, but I feel like it’s a little worse. I guess I’ve entered round three of this fight. I think every 5 days is a round, if I can go the full 12 rounds that's 60 days. But not going to focus on that, just focus on being 100% clean tomorrow.

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 11 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  13. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/20/2019

    3/11/2019 – Day 13 – 11:32 PM

    I’ll wake up at the two week mark, and I think this was the first day I really wanted to PMO. I got home from work and really just wanted to do it. I had an exotic dream last night. That is one thing I do enjoy about rebooting, is the return of exotic and wet dreams. Especially if I manage to lucid dream. I didn’t give in and once I actually start my night I didn’t even think about porn. I guess the key is to keep busy. I say that like it’s some startling revelation. I’m working from home tomorrow so I have to stay sharp. This weekend is going to be another challenge, lots of alcohol and lots of women. Still not sure if I’m ready to take that next step, and since it’s a group of friends I’m going to hang with so I can’t afford any kind embarrassment. So Saturday I’ll have to on my toes, but first things first, gotta get through Thursday.


    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday


    My goal is very simple, 15 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Nice job man. Your recovery plan seems to be working well for you.
     
  15. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/24/2019 – Day 17 – 1:18 PM

    So the past 12 hours have been as close to looking at porn as I’ve been this entire time. Just now I clicked on a site but closed it before it finished loading. Thankfully the internet is slow on my VM. I’m going to stay away from the computer today. I probably don’t have the strength to sit in front of the computer today and not glance at it. And a glance leads to watching and even if I don’t PMO, giving up porn is the goal.

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 18 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  16. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 3/29/2019

    3/29/2019 – Day 21 – 12:50 AM

    Week 3, this may be my longest reboot attempt ever. I know the last time I got this far I was sneaking and watching softcore stuff. To be honest I did turn to a softcore movie the other night but I changed the channel before anything started happening. It was just set up. I find my defenses are starting to weaken, I go to XXX section of my torrent sites to see what is out there but I never click on anything, I also notice I read the description of movies coming on the porn station on cable. I can tell I’ve entered the phase of this challenge, I know I have to be strong because one tiny crack with lead to the wall coming down. I can say, I’m not nearly thinking about it as much as I was to start, but in return when I do think about I want to see it. So, good news-bad news situation. But in times of struggle, you have to focus on the reason why you are putting yourself through the struggle in the first place. I’ve had a few conversations with my ex, my Moby Dick, the one that got away, and the nicknames go on. I’m not going to say she’s the reason I’m doing it but she’s a big part of it. The reason she got away was my inability to perform when it mattered most, and it’s what’s led me here. So, that’s why I’m here, to get better and to not have to worry about being in intimate situations. I’m going to keep focusing on that and pray that is enough to power me through the dark days to come.

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 22 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  17. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 4/2/2019

    4/2/2019 – Day 21 – 8:50 AM

    Uggh, this weekend was not a banner weekend for my reboot. I got into a fight with the same ex who gave me a boost of strength last week. Apparently, I haven't reached out enough for her, A little back story after we broke up, she promptly moved halfway across the planet. I stayed in touch because she was cool, and I don’t usually end friendships. But I guess at some point she expected me to do more in this friendship. Well, anyway, you mix the fight with a little alcohol and I ended up browsing some sites Saturday night. I didn’t PMO and I barely clicked on the previews. It wasn’t my finest moments. I will say I’m surprised that the dam didn’t break as I expected it to. Part of me is troubled by how low my libido has been throughout this reboot, but I also know I wouldn’t have made it this far if it wasn’t so low. Making it to 30 days will be tough as I’m going to be home all weekend due to have oral surgery done on Friday. I haven’t spent a Saturday and Sunday at home in 3 years. I usually drive Uber Friday and Saturday nights and that gets me out of the house. I guess it’s fitting to get past 30 days I’m going to be challenged.

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 26 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  18. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 4/4/2019

    Day 27 – 12:50 AM

    Okay, I lied, the dam did break. But what I didn’t realize but should have, it’s not my libido that drives me to want to look at porn. For the first time truly I feel like an addict. And the reason I say that is for the first time that I can recall, as in I’m just now paying attention to what my mind and body are telling me. I don’t really want to MO I just want to look at porn. I feel this is an important step for me and an important point in my reboot. I guess this is the admit I have a problem state, and it only took me 4 weeks to get there. I didn’t cave but I know I spent too much time thinking about caving. I have to focus on keeping my mind occupied, the entire day whenever I would relax a bit my mind would wander towards porn. So tonight I’m going to focus on writing, and hope that keeps me focused. The real battle has just begun…

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 28 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     
  19. big54

    big54 Member

    Last PMO Date - 3/7/2019

    Current Date – 4/5/2019

    Day 28 – 1:50 AM

    Today was a better day, I was able to keep my mind free today. There were a few moments where it creeped into my mind but they were few and far between. Surprisingly it was video games and not writing that kept my mind occupied. I’m back to posting daily for a while, I need to get a hold of this reboot once again. I know what caused the crack in my resolve, but it was nearly as damaging as it would’ve been the past. I’m off tomorrow, getting surgery. A little worried about how I’m going to feel post-surgery all doped up and all, but will face that challenge when it comes. Until the surgery going to write for a couple of hours then video games till it’s time.

    Got to be stronger today then I was yesterday

    My goal is very simple, 29 days with no porn. No Porn = no PMO, very simple.

    I must be strong in moments of weakness. Strength and Growth come only through continuous effort and struggle. There is no future for a porn addict

    You only fail when you fail to fight. So keep fighting to be better today than you were yesterday
     

Share This Page