One Day at a time

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by MindOverMasonry, Nov 2, 2017.

  1. Day 1: very heavy brain fog, no motivation to do anything, took a 2hr nap, then had an episode of severe headache and depression which cleared up after about 2 hours. Deleted social media, tentative until I can handle it again. It is an important tool for attraction and seduction as well as generating new leads of women, however my current state is more important. NoFap comes first.

    Day 2: feeling intense pressure to do things although still not enough motivation to start taking consistent action. I am going to take it one day at a time and this journal will log my progress. I am sick of the constraints porn puts on my life as well as the habits that come in tow with it.
    Emotional state: angst as well as internal pressure.
  2. Day 2 evening: notice that I not only want to PMO when I'm triggered by my girlfriend, but also when I feel amazing and decently clear headed. Just got back form the gym and I'm feeling fantastic. I'm sure my urge here is more to orgasm due to an increase in blood testosterone and if I had my girl here I would blow her back out. HOWEVER, this is manifesting as a weird urge to get some sort of buzz, porn, videogames, cigarettes, junk food, literally anything.
  3. Day 3: ooohh boii today was tough. Increased amount of internal pressure to deal the numbing effects of porn slowly wear off I am becoming more attuned to reality. Was stuck in a paralysis all day because genuine motivation is not there however there is pressure that I would normally regulate with porn. Instead after being stuck all day I finally pushed through and had a productive 2 hours cleaning my basement. Something that I have been trying to accomplish all week. Can close to fapping but I've made up my direction in my head. And when there is no way t relieve that pressure I start channeling it into creative efforts. This should only build from here.

    Also getting more and more triggered by my girlfriend, she's long distance so I'm not having consistent sex. Which is to be expected. Now I must stay more channeled on my purpose. I will not bust a nut unless it's with my gf or another girl I pickup. I have a month and a half before I go on vacation with my girl. I owe it to myself to hit the gym as hard as possible in this time and also go game.

    Looking forward to tomorrow, have a clearer head atleast in terms of acting on my emotion of motivation.

    Also, defintiley currently too wired to fall asleep. However, since I don't have porn to keep me up or the other bad habits such as video games. I will go to bed and meditate myself to sleep.
  4. Day 4: went to a party yesterday, lots of girls...I was met with a lot of feminine sexual energy. Pulled up a porn site today and it felt empty, not nearly as satisfying. Not to mention I most likely only pulled it up to numb the bad feeling of being hungover and somewhat being triggered by my girl.
    Now. There was a definitive moment, where I knew I was either going to fap and or not going to fap. and I KNOW for a goddamn fact that I'm committed to this. I WIll torture myself do whatever it takes but I will not fap. Not to mention at this point breaking will only addict me further because my brain is resensitized to porn creating af urther loop.

    After that I got up, yelled out NO, called a friend. And after speaking to him realize what's happening much better.

    I need to get more and more attuned to that internal pressure and that resistance. I realize my stagnation was actually just a build up of stagnant energy that I need to own. It's an emotion which when correctly interpreted will propel me forward rather than holding me back.
  5. Day 4: one thing has made itself clear. I don't care what it takes, I WILL complete this NoFap journey. Whatever it costs me, intimate relationships and sanity be damned.

    The one thing I do fear though is flatline, so many projections are occurring as a result of this. Whether that be splitting from my girl, having no libido and as a result no game, or whether that be having no passion. I'm going to sacrifice it all.

    Also I'm starting to see the benefits of NoFap, the first thing I notice is that because of the internal pressure time slows down. I have way more time perceptually in an hour than I did before. My thoughts race but they are a lot more condensed and it takes me progressively shorter quantities of time to push through resistance.

    Went for a run today and my body would just not stop where as before I did it just to do it. Here I actually enjoyed my sprint and instead it was a struggle not tell myself I'm done no more rather than to keep going.
  6. Day 5: almost a week, haven't gone this far in awhile. And this is the first time I am fully committed. This is happening.

    Small observation. My life really revolves around orgasm. Whether it's to fuck my girl, whether it's to game and fuck other women. Whether it's to PMO. Bettering myself is all done with that orgasm in mind. NoFap is reducing the significance of this and is clearly freeing my mind's capital and purpose for to other things. Shit. Sex is just a slice of the pie.
    It's fun but there are other more beautiful sides to life. When I become consumed with my own orgasm my life's purpose begins to cloud.

    Basically it's an addiction to far more than PMO. It's literally rewiring my brain to seek instant gratification and approach life in THAT way.

    Still going strong.
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
  7. Day 6: jesus Christ, getting triggered very badly right now. writing here instead of going to a site to just "check out" some new porn. Feeling confident in myself with my decision right now, so though I've given up feeling better I've gained more self-control and thus more confidence in myself to handle future situations.
  8. Day 7: YESSSS, feeling less groggy after I wake up, sleeping less hours. Also feeling my vibration increasing, I am soon going to be ready to start intaking more information for my own growth. Positive spiral upwards, another week and all of the numbing neuro-chemicals should be clear from my brain. Then the rewiring process can really begin.
  9. Day 7: godamn holy jesus. that fire and motivation just hit me BIG time. what have I been doing with the fap. THis is the kind of emotional wave that I HOPE never goes away. I feel like I can tackle the world right now and denying myself this state because I've been keeping myself sedated is a goddamn travesty. Malarchy I SAY!!!!

    I have to access and prolong this state more and more often, I feel like a phenom. The other major thing that's dawning on me is just exactly how much time I've wasted. My early twenties? jesus Christ. There is so much to be accomplished and so little time.

    Had to handle so many urges today. I am NOT going back, it's just not worth it. I have so much to give.
  10. Day 7: I have been avoiding the first step which is gearing up and growing my own ability. FUck enjoying things right now, I can smell the roses later. NOW is the time for work.
  11. Day 8: I'm noticing a combativeness with my girl that needs to be weeded out. There is no freeflow because I feel like she doesn't deserve certain things so I don't want to promise certain things instead of letting her feel and feeding the emotion. Instead I feel like there needs to be an exchange for things that I give her.

    Probably because of what happened last year, I am scared to relinquish power because I am scared I do not wield it. Which is most likely due to the emotional sway she does have over me. What happened just now is what emotional control she has over me? I feel guilty if I don't miss her or want her. I need to be able to express the desire for distance to her and make her understand that doesn't mean I don't love her. It's the back and forth of "you don't miss me" "yes I do" "no you don't" and there she has enough of an emotional momentum that I stand and listen to her for 10mins instead of going about my day like I NEED to to be effective. I need to master this.

    Mastering myself in this department will then allow me to be more open to sharing emotions with her by ridding the combativeness because if she treats me just how I want which is a result of me implementing that dynamic I will be more giving.
  12. Day 7: I need more productivity. my efficiency as a 24-yr old male right now is pitiful compared to how I should be performing. All this is just helping me understand one thing. I thought it would all get easier with NoFap. It doesn't, atleast not how it used to carry me. At this point though what's happening is my excuse for not doing shit as fapping is removed. I can no longer ignore and rationalize away my potential, It must be achieved and it must be done ASAP.

    As far as my relationship goes, here are things I still need to fix: 1) her respect of my time (today I should've answered her question of me not making time to listen to her present as "baby I tried to make, I asked you when we could do it, and then I called you but you went to shower for an hour" these are hmore honest and more high value communications than doing what I did. I need to let her fill in the blanks by effectively communicating and then transcribing my actions for her. She needs to understand intrinsically to respect my time by me living out that respect for my own time.
    2) sexual compliance, right now I can get rebuffed if I proposition sex, this is an unhealthy dynamic. There is little sexual compliance and she uses that as a carrot on a stick. I do feel this changing though. But yes doing what I want to do, this rhythm needs to be created. Just compliance in general needs to be upped more, if I ask her to do something her compliance needs to be there.
    3) her around other guys, this is an issue I will have to deal with as it comes up.
  13. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Nice journal, Mind! I can see you are feeling energetic. It is awesome waking up and feeling like you could do anything in the world. Don't be too scared of the flatline man though, if it comes it comes. Just gotta embrace it. Life is ups and downs, but whatever situation you find yourself in, PMO is never the answer. You seem really focused on beating this, and I belive if you can learn to manage the downs as well as the ups you will beat it for good.
    MindOverMasonry likes this.
  14. Day 9: funny but I'm having urges today, my girl is not online at the time she said she would be and this is triggering me with my mind spinning off into all kinds of crazy thoughts. Also social media is a fucking thirst trap, crazy for firing off the same spikes that porn does. Sat in front of my computer for the past 10mins contemplating whether I should numb myself with porn...this habit needs to go. Chose to write here instead.

    Also as far as me getting triggered. Just a reminder, my pattern jumps the gun in reading my partner. I should know that if she doesn't call me back, or if she's gone all night I will press her, and if she's cheated she's done. I have faith and trust in myself to carry out through whatever pain comes my way.
  15. lmao thanks
    thanks bro, wasn't going to do this because I didn't expect anyone to read/respond but this isn't really a journal so much as an online diary. I'm not making these notes coherent as a writing piece because it's more for me than anything else. So if it comes off as rambling that's cuz it is lmao ;P
  16. Day 0: back, binged for the past 3 days. What lead to it was a culmination of my girl giving me a camshow and then me getting high.
    Note to self: substance use makes it harder for me to resist urges so I need to be on the look out.
    Furthermore: the chaser effect is definitely something to be wary of.

    I am recommitting right now. My only goal for the next 5 days is to not fap. After that I'll start stacking more. But currently I am in a rut again. The difference in my efficiency from fapping to NoFap is night and day. Too many benefits to NoFap, and as soon as I fapped it threw me off track. I had a day of game and photography planned and I knew I couldn't function because I just relapsed. I need to keep showing up to my own life, this is unacceptable. I'm missing out on too many amazing things, and the amazing person I am whenever I use porn as a drug.
  17. Everything gets interrupted when I relapse. My sleep schedule, my eating habits, my social desire. It's fucked. I lose myself.
    THat's okay, back on the horse, time to build this goddamn streak back up.

    Funny thing to observe. When I loaded up porn while high it was so much less satisfying than a real girl. However it was clear how stimulating it was. I was locked in.
    I have the power. I allow myself to fall in these situations.

    ALso long term thinking. Yes the next 10-14 days will be hard but if I think that this is the first brick in building the next 2 years, that is the correct way to think about it and will let me weather my urges much easier.
  18. It's much harder to control my impulses, and I feel way more emotionally drained. My emotions are fuel. I need/want them. To numb them is to drain myself of fuel and momentum to do amazing things.
  19. Also social media needs to go. That includes IG, SC, tinder, bumble.

    They NEED to go.

    Just reset my porn blocker password
  20. Day 1: relapsed again yesterday before I caught hold of myself. Just got done with a meditation session. The pressure build up is there again. Had a panic attack before I took a nap. It's like the reality I've been avoiding by using porn suddenly becomes and uncovered like Hey Mofucker! all this shit you've been escaping from is still here!

    My meditation session was painful but I am devoted to both NoFap and meditation for the next month. I must regain the balance of my mind. It is more clear now than ever how important this is. I have much work to do.

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