Hi there, I must be hooked on porn for almost two decades. I’m 35 now, single and have never been in a real relationship. I’m wasting my life away, have pretty much lost all interest in doing anything else than youtube and porn all day. I have no idea how I’ll overcome this. I avoid contact with other people for the most of the time out of shame. I feel purposeless despite knowing God has a plan for me. I already attempted suicide once being in a forensic clinic for my addiction. I attacked a woman on the street in a furious drift. Attempted sexual assault. Somehow all of this still isn’t enough to change my ways. I’m plagued by deep feelings of shame which is my detriment. Sadly. I have many talents and I used to be a very sensitive empathic kid. It’s hard to have hope when you fail yourself everyday. This is a try for the better. I have to try. Pick myself up again.
I just listened to this podcast. I found very powerful and encouraging, so I thought I share it here: https://leadingsaints.org/the-root-of-pornography-use-a-presentation-by-sara-brewer/
Managed to have a fruitful day so far. I played on my guitar, wrote some lyrics and headed out for grocery shopping. I do notice an overheading restlessness and the constant need to distract my self from feeling. This is annoying and leads into porn or mindless youtube browsing. I will have to incorporate more mindful attention and parasympathic exercise instead. I guess some meditation can’t do harm. What I want to achieve is to dig through these uncomfortable feelings instead of putting band-aids on them. Everything that distracts from feeling functions as a band-aid and will prevent true healing. I’m optimistic deepdown that I will make some profound changes this time. The above podcast was really insightful. Among other things it speaks on identity. Seeing yourself as the addict isn’t always helpful. I guess it comes down to believing the Gospel which brings you the spirit of overcoming the flesh and the lies of the adversary. Shame is one of those lies. Anyways, I wish everyone a blessed day.
[Poem] A longing for delight. What haunts you little boy? What keeps you on the edge? Deep inside you long, for peace, eternal rest But somethings on your chest, it’s sitting there at ease It causes you to scream, it causes evil in your dream Oh violent heart, oh violent heart of mine What haunts you little girl? What makes you run away? Deep inside you long, for heaven here to stay But something burns within, a fire yet to tame It causes you to cower, to hide away in shame Oh violent heart, our violent heart Consider this my friend This life will one day end The flesh you will lay off Your spirit goes above Can you face Him, your Delight? There is an ancient Way A path that goes between Right through the thorns and thistles Into a realm unseen He waits for you to leave The safety behind He has carried all your burdens Your pain and all your pride This man from Galilee, your Rest and your Delight.
Hey man! It's hard for me to grasp everything you're going through, except for being addicted to pornography, because I've been there to and I'm still fighting it! I fell almost two weeks ago and that was a real bummer but before that I could really feel the benefits of not watching. It's good that you seek professional help, and also that you write your journal here, we will cheer you on! Lots of people go through this addiction and here there's no reason to be ashamed of it. Something that has helped me is to read up a lot on what porn does to your brain, I've listen to Andrew Huberman on what he has to say on the topic and that has helped me to keep myself motivated to stay away from P. I cheer you on man, together we'll get through this!
Hey Joost I'm not as frequent, of recent as I used to be, but I really admire the level of honesty and sincerity with which you write. And no, you are certainly not a lost cause as you believe, I also resonate with everything @Toby wrote too, about learning about this addiction and the importance of support. Organise your days, keep outside the house, meetup with people, go on bike rides, work/spend leisure in public areas. Most of all, don't lose faith, I would have won most MO marathons, multiple day choker of the chicken, I was ever amazed that I could manage 1 day, let alone 120, I'd pmo like 20-30 times a day, way more, you might be even less than that, I'd certainly think so, it's one marathon I'd be sure that I win on a Guinness world record scale. So as such, there is so much hope for you. To get those crazy results, you have to do everything you've never done meditate, cold showers, reduce internet time, manage caffeine, go to the gym. So many alternatives to porn, which will you choose?
Its amazing when you can channel your energy into creativity instead of the destructive habit of porn. Im at the end of a fruitful day and the tug of porn isn’t that strong. I just want to sleep and continue doing art tomorrow. Rejoice, Once again I have a choice Oh woeful thought, you’re not that strong For love eternal has my back Tonight I dream of youth A golden well, the water clear It fills me up with truth So, bold I stand, uprighteous man No evil in my sight Oh woeful thought You’re not that strong No need to start a fight So calmly on I stride Towards the morning light
It’s been a while. Lately I’ve been doing pretty well. I notice the fog is clearing up and i’m perceiving beauty again. About this amongst other things the following video speaks:
Lovespeak Most word can’t reach, can rarely heal The conflict ragin’ inside of me Bitter speak, fear speak, guilt speak nor shame Alleviates this utmost pain I try so hard but fail at will... Most words can’t reach, can rarely heal The emotional wounds inside I feel I clench my teeth, I wish to break Through all the barriers in violent rage Then once again I do rememb’er The force of love, that gentle stranger I invite Him in, His holy kind’ness Uplifts my hopeless mind... Most words can’t reach, but some they do Awaken the spirit, as they ring true What words they are? My sweetest dove Only those words spoken in love.
A few days ago I had a consult with a christian spiritual mentor. He told me my problem isn’t so much that I am watching porn and shared an interesting thing. He advised me to watch porn with Jesus. To sit there and ask God to watch whatever you’re watching with you. To consciously watch and ask yourself questions. I really like this approach as we are mostly watching porn in an unconscious move, to numb and blot out. I come to find out God is much less judgemental as we make Him out to be. Thats not to say porn is a good thing, but inviting God into it takes away the shame aspect of it all. To look beyond the shame and see both yourself and the actors you’re witnessing in His light.
That advise is actually very good, because shame is a big trigger and gives the porn addiction even more meaning and power. We humans have that weakness to fall into the addictive trap by nature, it isn't a choice to become addicted.
Your addiction is just a symptom. Stop fighting the symptom, start addressing the underlying problem. It has come to me again, that fighting against your addiction is pretty useless. That is because it’s just a symptom of a deeper problem. You manage to push the ball underwater, it simply comes back popping up at another place. So it is with addiction. Under your porn addiction is the deep emptyness of not being seen for who you are. Its a longing for intimacy with God and the other.
