Once again, overcoming this pain.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Joost, Jul 9, 2023.

  1. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Hi there,

    I must be hooked on porn for almost two decades. I’m 35 now, single and have never been in a real relationship. I’m wasting my life away, have pretty much lost all interest in doing anything else than youtube and porn all day. I have no idea how I’ll overcome this. I avoid contact with other people for the most of the time out of shame. I feel purposeless despite knowing God has a plan for me. I already attempted suicide once being in a forensic clinic for my addiction. I attacked a woman on the street in a furious drift. Attempted sexual assault.
    Somehow all of this still isn’t enough to change my ways. I’m plagued by deep feelings of shame which is my detriment. Sadly. I have many talents and I used to be a very sensitive empathic kid. It’s hard to have hope when you fail yourself everyday. This is a try for the better. I have to try. Pick myself up again.
  2. Joost

    Joost New Member

  3. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Managed to have a fruitful day so far. I played on my guitar, wrote some lyrics and headed out for grocery shopping. I do notice an overheading restlessness and the constant need to distract my self from feeling. This is annoying and leads into porn or mindless youtube browsing. I will have to incorporate more mindful attention and parasympathic exercise instead. I guess some meditation can’t do harm. What I want to achieve is to dig through these uncomfortable feelings instead of putting band-aids on them. Everything that distracts from feeling functions as a band-aid and will prevent true healing. I’m optimistic deepdown that I will make some profound changes this time. The above podcast was really insightful. Among other things it speaks on identity. Seeing yourself as the addict isn’t always helpful. I guess it comes down to believing the Gospel which brings you the spirit of overcoming the flesh and the lies of the adversary. Shame is one of those lies.

    Anyways, I wish everyone a blessed day.
  4. Joost

    Joost New Member

    [Poem] A longing for delight.

    What haunts you little boy?
    What keeps you on the edge?
    Deep inside you long, for peace, eternal rest
    But somethings on your chest, it’s sitting there at ease
    It causes you to scream, it causes evil in your dream
    Oh violent heart, oh violent heart of mine

    What haunts you little girl?
    What makes you run away?
    Deep inside you long, for heaven here to stay
    But something burns within, a fire yet to tame
    It causes you to cower, to hide away in shame
    Oh violent heart, our violent heart

    Consider this my friend
    This life will one day end
    The flesh you will lay off
    Your spirit goes above
    Can you face Him, your Delight?

    There is an ancient Way
    A path that goes between
    Right through the thorns and thistles
    Into a realm unseen
    He waits for you to leave
    The safety behind
    He has carried all your burdens
    Your pain and all your pride
    This man from Galilee, your Rest and your Delight.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2023
  5. Toby

    Toby Member

    Hey man!
    It's hard for me to grasp everything you're going through, except for being addicted to pornography, because I've been there to and I'm still fighting it! I fell almost two weeks ago and that was a real bummer but before that I could really feel the benefits of not watching.
    It's good that you seek professional help, and also that you write your journal here, we will cheer you on!
    Lots of people go through this addiction and here there's no reason to be ashamed of it. Something that has helped me is to read up a lot on what porn does to your brain, I've listen to Andrew Huberman on what he has to say on the topic and that has helped me to keep myself motivated to stay away from P.

    I cheer you on man, together we'll get through this!
    1MoreLookAway likes this.
  6. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Hey Joost I'm not as frequent, of recent as I used to be, but I really admire the level of honesty and sincerity with which you write. And no, you are certainly not a lost cause as you believe, I also resonate with everything @Toby wrote too, about learning about this addiction and the importance of support.

    Organise your days, keep outside the house, meetup with people, go on bike rides, work/spend leisure in public areas.

    Most of all, don't lose faith, I would have won most MO marathons, multiple day choker of the chicken, I was ever amazed that I could manage 1 day, let alone 120, I'd pmo like 20-30 times a day, way more, you might be even less than that, I'd certainly think so, it's one marathon I'd be sure that I win on a Guinness world record scale. So as such, there is so much hope for you. To get those crazy results, you have to do everything you've never done meditate, cold showers, reduce internet time, manage caffeine, go to the gym. So many alternatives to porn, which will you choose?
  7. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Its amazing when you can channel your energy into creativity instead of the destructive habit of porn. Im at the end of a fruitful day and the tug of porn isn’t that strong. I just want to sleep and continue doing art tomorrow.

    Once again I have a choice
    Oh woeful thought, you’re not that strong
    For love eternal has my back
    Tonight I dream of youth
    A golden well, the water clear
    It fills me up with truth
    So, bold I stand, uprighteous man
    No evil in my sight
    Oh woeful thought
    You’re not that strong
    No need to start a fight
    So calmly on I stride
    Towards the morning light
    Toby likes this.
  8. Joost

    Joost New Member

    It’s been a while.
    Lately I’ve been doing pretty well. I notice the fog is clearing up and i’m perceiving beauty again. About this amongst other things the following video speaks:

  9. Joost

    Joost New Member


    Most word can’t reach, can rarely heal
    The conflict ragin’ inside of me
    Bitter speak, fear speak, guilt speak nor shame
    Alleviates this utmost pain
    I try so hard but fail at will...

    Most words can’t reach, can rarely heal
    The emotional wounds inside I feel
    I clench my teeth, I wish to break
    Through all the barriers in violent rage

    Then once again I do rememb’er
    The force of love, that gentle stranger
    I invite Him in, His holy kind’ness
    Uplifts my hopeless mind...

    Most words can’t reach, but some they do
    Awaken the spirit, as they ring true
    What words they are? My sweetest dove
    Only those words spoken in love.
  10. Joost

    Joost New Member

    A few days ago I had a consult with a christian spiritual mentor. He told me my problem isn’t so much that I am watching porn and shared an interesting thing. He advised me to watch porn with Jesus. To sit there and ask God to watch whatever you’re watching with you. To consciously watch and ask yourself questions. I really like this approach as we are mostly watching porn in an unconscious move, to numb and blot out. I come to find out God is much less judgemental as we make Him out to be. Thats not to say porn is a good thing, but inviting God into it takes away the shame aspect of it all. To look beyond the shame and see both yourself and the actors you’re witnessing in His light.
  11. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    That advise is actually very good, because shame is a big trigger and gives the porn addiction even more meaning and power.
    We humans have that weakness to fall into the addictive trap by nature, it isn't a choice to become addicted.
  12. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Your addiction is just a symptom. Stop fighting the symptom, start addressing the underlying problem.

    It has come to me again, that fighting against your addiction is pretty useless. That is because it’s just a symptom of a deeper problem. You manage to push the ball underwater, it simply comes back popping up at another place. So it is with addiction.

    Under your porn addiction is the deep emptyness of not being seen for who you are. Its a longing for intimacy with God and the other.

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