On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mailboxsam, May 10, 2015.

  1. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Back from the holiday. It was great, but it was much more isolated than I had expected, I was really out in the wilderness for four nights! Internet or even a phone connection was available only during the day only at the "main house".

    So I had only myself for company. I read books, went on walks, made fires, and watched the stars at night.

    But man it became tough not to relapse!!! By the third day I was starting to fantasise, sexual fantasies. Didn't succumb to M though, I'm still doing hard mode. Somehow I made it through! Told myself "just try to have this success story of making it through this solitary holiday. When you get home you can relapse!"

    Then I got home. And somehow I didn't relapse. I wrote out a list of all the positive things that have happened in my life since my no PMO streak began. 24 items! I just don't want to relapse now and mess up my good run. I'm on 149 days! I'm taking it one day at a time now, it's much harder than it was two weeks ago. But I'm proud of what I achieved in making it through the holiday, very proud.
     
    cjm likes this.
  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    150 days hard mode no PMO! I just woke up, early, ready to start my day...
     
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Half a year-ish. Congratulations seem in order. Congrats! :3
     
  4. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Folks - I relapsed. It's been a month since I last posted. I made it to +-160 days, and then I found myself alone, in my room, with most of my work done for the year, and I just gave in. I looked at erotic images, read erotic fiction and fapped. Quite a few times this last month. I found myself in a foreign country, staying all alone, with lots of time on my hands.

    I've tried to get back on the wagon the last two weeks or so, and haven't got past a few days no PMO.

    So I'm back here, I need the support of everyone here on this site to keep me going.
     
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, friend! Have you encountered that "alone, have done my work well, bored - now what?" -trigger before or was this the first time around? Are you okay with relapsing or are you plagued by guilt?

    Please be shameless and proud of your outstanding achievement this year! :3
     
  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thank you for the supportive message dark red drifter vessel.

    I relapsed again last night, after 3 days.

    The reason I am relapsing so easily now is because the end of year holiday period has arrived and the pressure is off. Earlier in the year my job was on the line, I literally could t afford to be PMOing.

    But man each time I relapse I get screwed the next day. It NEvER leads to anything positive. Now today I am red eyed for lack of sleep due to PMOing last night. And that is led me to miss appointments with friends, miss commitments already. It’s suxh a bad habit!! Back to daY ONE again!
     
  7. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Things went badly over December and January. I was basically PMO'ing most nights. I wasn't really trying to quit. I knew that in the new year, once work started again, I'd need to quit, so I just kept on putting it off. Well work started, and I delayed quitting, till eventually I had to since I just had too much work to do and I couldn't afford to be stuck in this shit. So I had a good 7 day run last week, till yesterday, when I relapsed again. But I'm back on the wagon now.
     
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Back again after a long series of bad relapses.
     
  9. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Still struggling. But trying to stop again.
     
  10. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I'm back on the site! After two years. Overall, I don't think I've been doing well these two years. In terms of my career and my personal goals, I have had a few fantastic highlights. But mostly I've been underperforming if I am honest. Basically without fail the times when I do my best are the same times when I'm on hard mode, no masturbation or erotic fiction or erotic images, regular exercise. The times when I'm doing badly are the same as the times when I'm... you guessed it.

    I can see this clearly when I go back in my journal. It allows my to line up the achievements in my life with the times when I've been fighting this thing. And they always line up.

    I had a good start to 2020. But since coronavirus struck, from about the beginning of April, when lockdown came, I wasn't even trying to fight my urge to masturbate. I was just doing it every day, very regularly, not even bothering anymore. No exercise. Put on a whole lot of kgs. My flat became very dirty.

    Three weeks ago I realized I had to put in an effort again, because important work was coming up which I couldn't avoid and I had to be on top of my game. So, I renewed my effort. No PMO. Exercise every day. I started on Monday, 22 June. The moment I started, I started some new projects in my life and I felt a fresh energy. I kept it up till Thursday 25 June. Four days. Then on that Thursday. I had a relapse. PMO'd for an hour. Kept up the exercise though. Back on the wagon.

    Made it to today, Monday 13 July. Three weeks since I started. Things were really starting to pick up in my life. Was looking to buy a house. Renewed some relationships with friends. Tidied up my house. Fixed up some stuff in my house. My projects were going well. Bought a bike. Exercise was going well, every day, for three weeks.

    Then today, this evening, I relapsed again. PMO for 3 hours. So my latest PMO streak lasted 16 days. I'm very proud of it, actually. It's my longest streak in a long time, maybe two years.

    But, I relapsed on the exercise streak today too. Today is my first day of no cardio exercise, although I at least did the "core" part of my routine.

    How do I feel after this PMO relapse? Very bad. What a waste. How did it start? I was lying on my bed, fantasizing mentally a bit. I got all worked up. I thought if I could click on some stories or images, it would be the most amazing thing in the world. I finally gave in - I clicked on some stories. Read through some. Wasn't quite doing it for me. I noticed my initial enthusiasm was down. I needed more. So, clicked on the images. That got me to MO. But, the satisfaction was like 0.05% of what the anticipation was. Did it a few more times. Each time, satisfaction less and less. And now I feel like shit.

    To future self - it's not worth it man, just let it go. Really, really.

    I'm back on the wagon, day zero. I'll count nights. So tonight is night 1.
     
    Shady, BoughtWithBlood and Kurkuror like this.
  11. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Hey your post encourage me to keep going. You are the one who I was looking for. You made 160 days hard mode and you still breathing. Even more. You came back here and want to do it again. It means that it was worth it.
     
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Welcome back to the forum. Sorry to hear about your relapses. It’s odd how we can go from months of no PMO to having trouble getting a few weeks in. Goodjob on staying committed to good habits like exercise. Always good to have That as a constant.
     

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