On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mailboxsam, May 10, 2015.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Hey. Can relate to this masturbating as a fix for everything concept. I think porn is only a province
    of the country that is my problem with coping. Skimmed your journal in general. The phoning old
    friends sounds really like a good idea. Congrats to the 86 days.
  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks dark red drifter vessel.

    I've just made 90 days, whoop whoop
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Congratulations, man! That can't have been easy!
  4. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Tell me about it! Now I want to have a good wank to reward myself.... bugger.

    I have started to slowly see some benefits. I've been becoming a bit more productive, at ease around people.
  5. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Tell me about it! Now I want to have a good wank to reward myself.... bugger.

    I have started to slowly see some benefits. I've been becoming a bit more productive, at ease around people.
  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I have made it to 95 days no PMO.

    I've been wanting to PMO sometimes in the last week or so, but mainly because I've been sad or feeling empty. I haven't had a strong primarily sexual urge to PMO in quite a while.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Is that low feeling over by now or are you still ina ditch?
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I've made it to 105 days no PMO!!

    I very almost binged out last weekend when I made 100 days. I've been bloody tired and have had a tough week.

    But despite having a tough time, there's been a number of positive things that have happened in my life. I don't want to relapse now, after I'm starting to make some gains.

    The other day I had a wet dream. First one in this reboot I think.

    Anyway I am Effing proud of myself that I made it to a century!!
    heymanniceshot likes this.
  9. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Congrats sam!
  10. Congrats on triple digits
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks blufalco and heymanniceshot.

    I'm in a tough patch at the moment. Little sleep, exhausted and stressed. Last two nights I was wanking in my sleep! Woke up and managed to stop myself in time.

    Some good things have been happening in my life which I will say at some point. This is the motivation for me to go on, and also the fear of going back to zero. I need my "better self" to deal with a whole lot of big things I need to do this year.
  12. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I have now made it 117 days no P or M or O. Awake, that is - sometimes I have woken up and found myself attempting to M or O in my sleep.

    It's still hard. My success this far can be partly explained as follows.

    1. I've gone through stages. In the first stage, the first 20 days or so, I was surviving on my own motivation and my own steam. In the next stage, probably the next 60 days or so, I was spending a lot of time with my gf. I had less time to MO, since she was at my place over weekends and in the evenings. In this last stage, the last 40 days or so, I have been pushed on by the thought of the positive things that have happened in my life since I quite PMO, and the fear of losing them if I relapse.

    2. This forum. Reading through the inspiring posts here has stopped me from MO'ing many, many times.

    3. I've simply not had as powerful urges as I had when I previously tried to quit. If I start fantasizing, I can feel the urge coming back a bit, and I can feel it is still there, powerful, beneath the surface. But it hasn't been an overwhelming desire like I've experienced in previous stages of my life. I'm not sure this is due to me getting older, but it may be. I'm 38 now.

    4. Regular exercise has helped quite a lot. It has given me something to do, and made me feel positive about myself.

    5. Once again, fear. Fear of bombing out in my life has been a big motivator for me to remain not PMO'ing. I have gone through a really tough patch the last few years, doubting my career choice, and my choice of country where I live. I know it will take all the resources I have to make a good life of what I have. I can't afford to not be the best I can be, else I could go down a dark path.
  13. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I have said before that some positive have happened in my life on this run of no PMO. I would like to share them now.

    Two big stresses I had were buying a house, and finding a new place to rent when my rental contract in my current place runs out. Both of these have been solved now, and I think laying off PMO has contributed a lot to their solution. If anyone would like to know more, you could start a private "conversation" with me via the inbox.
  14. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    Does it scare you that even after 100+ days of not doing something, something in you still kinda pushes you to wanting it? I'm asking as someone that made it to ~87 days, and I don't know if I'll ever not think about PMO.

    For me I went through the reboot since I wasn't able to get erections with a real girl. That has kinda been solved, but I'm hoping for better erections if I go through another reboot.

    My question to you is, what are you looking to get from the reboot? Do you think you've achieved it? Your count is so impressive, a lot of other people seem to have super long journals bc every other post is like starting over from Day 1 and you seemingly managed to go from 0 to 100, which is super rare and awesome.

    Sorry for the long post, in summary (1) I'm curious if you feel like you accomplished your goal and (2) how did you make it seem so easy?
  15. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    @Blufalco - thanks for the question. I want to ask it myself!

    There are some things I should say. Firstly, I should change the name of my thread. Currently it is "Starting out - trying to beat longstanding transgender / femdom obsession" but I don't believe in this anymore. Since I read those Felix Conrad books, I've decided that these "crossgender erotic urges" that I have are probably pretty deep and will probably be with me till I die. So I've got to accept them, even embrace them.

    So the real reason I'm on a no PMO streak is because my life wasn't going great the last few years. I developed a lot of anxiety, stress, anger, failing career, lack of self-worth. I have to change something! And unfortunately I've been using the PMO as a drug to make these feelings go away. And it hasn't helped. So that's why I'm trying not to do it.

    To answer your first question. This current streak of 120+ days has definitely led to positive changes in my life. The other day I counted 22 positive things that have happened to me since I stopped the PMO. Let me mention a few. Healing relationships with certain people I had fallen out with. Strengthening relationships with family and friends. Career going better. Exercising regularly. Breathing more deeply, less angry. I got involved in a community service program. More in control of my finances. I can be more specific on each of these things but they get a bit personal.

    Nevertheless, each day, even today, I am still thinking "it would be good to PMO now". I would love to think that one day I could PMO "in a healthy way" again. I also wonder if that is possible. I honestly don't know. I would love to hear your opinion on that.

    The main thing that has helped me on this current streak is (a) I was in a bad place in my career and I was pretty desperate to change. I'm too scared to go back to PMO. It wasn't rock bottom but it felt like I was on the slope to that bottom. And (b) I honestly just got lucky not to have the ridiculously strong urges I've had on previous runs. I didn't have any secret!
    blufalco2.0 likes this.
  16. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I just changed the title of my thread now. Maybe I'll change it again at some point!
  17. blufalco2.0

    blufalco2.0 New Member

    I think that's fantastic you're able to identify the positive developments in your life after you removed PMO from it. For me, during my 2.0 reboot, that's one of the things that I draw strength from whereas in my 1.0 reboot, it was fixing my PIED and my count (although my count has helped me a little during 2.0 as well)

    Regarding on whether it's possible to PMO "in a healthy" way - I think it is. However, my answer is a little more complicated. I think if a person PMOs 1x every 2 weeks or so, it should be fine. However, the problem is it's easy to go from every two weeks >> every week >> every day. So I think the issue is it's harder to refrain from doing it every 2 weeks than to try to cut it out completely. So the only solution then is to try to never to do it.

    Anyways, hope things continue to go well for you. I think sometimes it's a struggle after life improvements plateau (at least for me personally) so I wish you the best of luck in your life (I think you've ended your reboot journey, so now I feel like you're just figuring out how to assimilate into normal life)
    mailboxsam likes this.
  18. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Just want to record to my future myself that I've made it to 127 days. Future self: I've got nothing to add to the last few posts I've written. Things have been going well for you. You've been feeling more natural and comfortable around women and they are noticably more attracted to you. You're feeling much more relaxed. You're about to go on a holiday, first one you've initiated in forever! Don't give up now.
    heymanniceshot likes this.
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I’m leaving on that holiday tomorrow!!

    I have just made it to 142 days, no P or M or O.
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I want to record some things for my future self.

    The last two weeks, I was “supposed” to be all stress free and relaxed since work eased off, and I’ve been on such a long no PMO streak so I’m supposed to have super powers. But I felt the stress rise up in me a number of times! Most recently just yesterday when I had to organize a barbecue. So I’m TOTALLY NOT healed of anxiety and stress. However I can say I never totally “blew out” and I managed to keep myself under control, I never bit anyone’s head off. So I think there has been an improvement.

    It’s like someone said, there are still ups and downs but the downs aren’t as down as they were before.

    On each occasion I recovered quite fast and I didn’t bomb out with a PMO binge as o would have done before, And in a short time I was often feeling fine again.

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