On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mailboxsam, May 10, 2015.

  1. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Really tough day. Little sleep last night so tired. Erotic stories starting to enter my brain. Managed to hold out and go for a run.
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your success
  3. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks Fry. Well, lying awake at 2am writing this post. Been struggling to sleep recently. My run of 33 days or so is going strong. Signed up for a trail running series of races which is helping keep my mind from M. Been reading the forum a bit, especially the 40+ since I'll be turning 40 one of these days and graduating over to that forum :) lots of good stories.

    I haven't faced down a really strong fantasy urge so far into this reboot.

    I should start reading again. I used to be a big reader. Now I watch a lot of series.
  4. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Completed my first trail run on Sunday. Three more to go!

    Still haven't had any strong sexual urges, although I'm starting to feel a bit lonely again and that makes me want to say fuck it and M.

    It was lonely at the trail run, I did it by myself.

    Must be on around day 38 now.

    No morning wood. I'm glad actually. When that starts it will get tougher.
  5. Hey, new here but just wanted to say I appreciate you sharing what your compulsions are, and why you think you developed them, keep up the recovery
    mailboxsam likes this.
  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks heymanniceshot.

    I have come across the books of Felix Conrad which may help me understand my "crossgender arousal" issues more. Going to have a read.
  7. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    If anyone else is reading my posts and has similar issues to me: I bought a bunch of books by Felix Conrad:

    How to Jedi mind trick your gender dysphoria
    Quantum desire: a sexological analysis of crossdreaming
    Autogynephilia: Everyman's guide to autogynephilia, crossdreaming and late onset transsexualism
    The Science and Art of Transgender Erotica: from sissies to shemales, crossdreamers to crossdressers

    (This last one is quite kinky!)

    Anyway, I found Felix a real hoot and I enjoyed reading his books. Definitely has been a big help for me. Makes me feel I'm not alone and not so weird after all. And he's funny.

    By the way, if you don't know, "autogynephilia" is a shitty term that basically means "dudes who get aroused by thinking of themselves as women". Like me.

    There is a great passage in "Everyman's guide to autogynephilia" which confirmed for me that I'm at this forum yourbrainrebalanced is a good one for me (not the ONLY help I need, but a good place to be!). Here it is:

    Q. It feels like I'm addicted to pornography that centres on autogynephilia. Can I cure this addiction?
    A. A lot of autogynephiliacs talk about being addicted to autogynephiliac porn.
    (Ed: That's me.) This to me is a little like an alcoholic saying they're a vodka addict when the correct diagnosis is alcoholism... the vodka is immaterial... it could be beer, wine or any other agent that carries ethanol. The point is there's nothing specific to autogynephilia which makes it more likely you'll become addicted to pornography. If you are addicted to porn therefore, you are addicted to porn... and must follow the same treatment as any other porn addict. There is an abundance of advice online on this issue.

    Change of topic. I'm on 45 days no PMO, (transsexual PMO or otherwise!). That's halfway to my all time record of 90 days! I had a transsexual-flavoured dream last night and groggily became aware that my sleeping self was lying on my dick moving it up and down with my body. So, it's still tough out there!
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Told my gf (again, last time was about three years ago) about my sexual issues. We're probably on our way to a final break-up soon (!). Thought I might as well clear the air on this topic. Especially since I feel I've grown a lot since reading the Felix Conrad books. It went all right, she definitely didn't really understand and she kind of suspects I'm just gay. But mostly it went all right.
  9. Congrats on opening up a dialogue again, and its unfortunate that she doesn't understand.

    Have you sought any sort of counseling because of the abuse?
  10. Checking in on you, hows it going?
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I am ok. Thanks for checking in on me. I am now 58 days no PMO, of a transsexual flavour kind or otherwise. But there are some caveats to that. Felix Conrad's book "The science and art of transgender erotica" had some kinky stories in it, which I read. I justified it as being part of my coming to grips with what my issues are all about. So I don't regard that as a slipup. His books were VERY helpful. (Luckily for me those particular stories didn't do it for me.) Also, I have google-image-searched one or two famous actresses and athletes a couple of times, in a more vanilla way, just for a minute or so. But it stopped there.

    Regarding seeing a therapist (clinical psychologist). After putting it off for many years, I did finally see one this time, last year, for about 5 sessions. The first session was intense, where I came out with everything, brutally honest. I was also facing a huge work decision at the time, which was actually the final straw which forced me to go see a therapist. I came out of that first session really feeling like I had dumped a load, a much lighter person. Each session after that was also intense, but the first was the worst. It was really good for me. The therapist saw the improvement in me and I was over my acute (i.e. not really able to function) anxiety by the last session. Then I stopped - just because it's pretty expensive.

    As far as I understand it, my therapy wasn't "cognitive" (which I understand to mean where you get drilled in a bunch of techniques you must employ to overcome your issues). It was more just me dumping my issues out there on the table and talking over them. The sessions were led by me. I'm glad though, that's how I wanted it. I wasn't ready for anything else.

    Regarding my gf. In hindsight, telling her all about my issues about 10 days ago actually went better than I thought at the time. She messaged me later thanking me for telling her, that she didn't think I was weird and that she'll always love me as a friend irrespective of what happens, and that she would always keep what I had said confidential, no matter what.

    Regarding my "libido". I had morning wood, once, a few days ago. I haven't been having transgender flavoured dreams lately, which is a plus. My dreams haven't been sexual at all, or sometimes they've included a "vanilla" sexual component. I'm still finding girls in the street pretty, though not enough to give me a boner. The main thing is that I haven't had any powerful crossgender erotic urges (when they come, they usually are so powerful it destroys me, that's why I keep harping on this point). In a way I've been "flatlining" for a few weeks now.

    Energy levels wise, it hasn't been so good, despite me going on about 3-4 runs per week. A few days ago... I stayed in bed for two days, straight. Just didn't bother to get out of bed. Watched series in bed on my ipad, read the news. And... one of those days was a working day, I just didn't have to be physically at work that day so I got away with it. So I'm disappointed with that side of things. On the plus side, I've been recording faster and faster times for my runs, and I've seen my body getting a bit thinner and more muscular, so that's been good.

    A lot of the time I just feel a bit tired. I don't think this is "withdrawal syndrome" since I used to feel like this even when I was masturbating frequently - indeed, lying around in bed was often the trigger to masturbate anyway. I'm eating pretty healthy and I'm exercising so it's not cool. Maybe I'm just getting old. It may also be related to work, where I haven't been performing to my ability at all, and that just makes a bad feedback mechanism.
  12. My experience with a therapist was much the same, epic rants where I felt much better afterwards, but started to really crave some sort of feedback/accountability for "what next".
  13. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    60 days! Has always been an important milestone for me because this was the previous record I got to in my twenties, before my GF came and I needed to make sure I could perform! (I couldn't. Didn't help nooo).
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    72 days! On target to better my previous milestone of 90 days no PMO.

    I went to a wedding on Saturday night, and had a good time at the reception flirting with some girls. Felt healthy about it all.

    I was feeling really down the other day. In the middle of the night, I watched a Ted talk. They tracked about 1300 people from birth to death, and they determined the most important factor for human happiness is... relationships. Need to maintain and "lean in" to relationships. So I phoned up a few people today who I haven't spoken to in ages. Was a good thing, I must keep that up. It's more important than exercise and diet and all that.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  15. Great job reaching out, loneliness can be a major pmo trigger
  16. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks. Yes hopefully I can keep that up. I always feel better after a phone call to family or friends.

    I've been feeling pretty down the last few days. I was thinking about my work during the night, and hence sleeping in the early hours of the morning. I get good ideas then, but it's not good for the next day :-(

    I've managed to keep up my exercise so that's ok. I'm now on 77 days no PMO!

    This morning feeling good again.

    Ups and downs.
    heymanniceshot likes this.
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Ok, I just succumbed to a couple of minutes of "peeking" at some erotic story blurbs on amazon.com. Basically I injured myself yesterday so I couldn't do any exercise today, so I had a lot of time to myself this evening and I ran out of shit to do. I was going to read a book on my kindle and hey I thought I'd just browse something for a second. I'm not going to chalk it down as a "P" though and I'm not going to reset my counter - I define "P" for me as actually reading an erotic story (not their blurbs), or looking at images. But I shouldn't have done it. It was a blurry boundary which my brain managed to take advantage of before I actually set the boundary concretely in stone. I won't do this again. This sucks though, it's no longer a "super pure reboot" but I'm going to have to live with that. I'm on 80 days and trying to make it to 100, and then I'll set a new goal.
  18. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    So, last few days have been bad. I cut it off more formally with my on off girlfriend of five years. I injured my foot so no more running. Rhythm broken, feeling down, feeling depressed. Feeling lonely. Procrastinating. Lying in bed with time on my hands. Almost fapped a few times. Somehow I've managed to stay afloat. Ultimately I cant get around the ironclad Truth: fapping is a fix for me, it's a fix to cope with these other things. I wasn't even sexually aroused... before I started fantasising that is. I just wanted to fap to go to a dream world and escape for a few hours of bliss. I don't really want to fix these other things though. I really don't. So not in a good place. Trying to hang in there.
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I'm gonna take a sleeping pill and listen to an audiobook of Sherlock Holmes. That will take me to a dream world... a good one...
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Holy crap. I just read through my journal, seeing if I could learn something. All this time I've been thinking I had pulled a 90 days, but my previous best run was actually 71 days! That's what brain fog does to you. So, I am now officially on the longest run of my life, 85 days!!

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