On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mailboxsam, May 10, 2015.

  1. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    25 days. I haven't been feeling horny, so it's been relatively easy to abstain from PMO. If I look back, at this stage in my last reboot I was already battling with fantasies. These haven't yet started for me. Exercise regime going well, and eating well too. However, feeling incredibly tired in the mornings and can't get out of bed. Have a major work decision to make, and struggling to make it.
     
  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    28 days = 4 weeks, great. Had MW the last two days. One or two fantasies as I've been waking up, one benign, the other not so much. Libido seems to be coming back, so going to be a bit harder to hold on. But happy I made it this far.

    I finally made the big life and work decision that I've been holding off for so long. I'm glad of that.
     
  3. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    35 days, no PMO. Just got back from a weekend trip. Coming back from a trip is always a huge trigger for me, I just want to wank to somehow soothe myself.

    Instead today I'm going to go to the gym!
     
  4. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Three days ago I told my ex about my abuse as a child and my transgender fantasies and masturbation problem. First person I ever told. I didn't feel any different afterwards. But it has helped I think, it has normalized my problem and made me feel that I'm doing concrete things to try and recover. My work decision was also made recently. So life is good for me for a while.
     
  5. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Still going well. 38 days. Saw my ex on Skype and got a spontaneous hard-on. Getting up earlier. This is starting to make me feel tired and a bit horny though!
     
  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I reached the big 50, that's five-zero my friends. I've managed to keep fantasizing and edging down to a minimum; last time (in my run of 70) it was tougher to hold on at this point. I feel good and my exercising is going very well. The other day I was walking round town and I felt I had more energy.

    I don't get transsexual fantasies entering my head anymore; at least not like they used to. I'm going to see a psychologist about my issues though, that is something I still need to do.

    I'm still aiming to beat my previous record of 70 days. Then I'll take it from there. Everything good so far, I'm in a good patch.
     
  7. AddictedAgain

    AddictedAgain Pain = Growth

    Good to hear man, keep up the good work!
     
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks BreakTheCycle.

    Tonight will be 60 days, another landmark. That was my previous previous best. I'm still doing well, still hardly any transsexual fantasies and its just normal attraction to girls.

    But I entered a tough patch since Sunday. I'm in a long-distance relationship but I have been flirting with some girls here locally. That flirting kind of went bad, one of the girls got upset with me sensing I wasn't sincere enough in my flirtations. My gf back home has also upped the ante since another dude is moving in on her and I will have to move fast or lose her.

    So, the happy-go-lucky days are over.

    I also have a bunch of conferences coming up which I need to prepare for and attend. I'm entering a tough time.
     
  9. life v2.0

    life v2.0 do you want to sleep in a picnic ?

    i too had some weirdest of weird addictions which others find too way out .... the addiction pulled me so deep that i kind of thought doing 'this stuff' is kind of purpose in life and that is all that matters that could giv me tranquillity ...... but then i realised slowly after detaching from porn for 60 days that this deep stuff slowly faded away, not completely but intensity became very less ....
    I realised that i am kind of a creative person with a lot of imaginative power than others ... so gud or bad whatever comes to my mind i can make a fantasy world out of it .... i guess once you realise your mind n realise what is happening, may be the struggle becomes less ...
     
  10. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks life v2.0.
     
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I haven't posted in over 37 days.

    I achieved my goal - 71 days no PMO, beating my previous record of 70.

    But then I relapsed, and went on a bender for a while. Transsexual fantasies, downloading pictures and masturbating to transgender fiction. Then some stop-start weeks. And now I'm back here. I'm very depressed about it.

    One reason I failed is in the end I was starting to fantasize, and I wasn't stopping myself. Also, I was at some conferences and got very little sleep, which always brings my resistance down (that and alcohol, and feeling depressed).

    I've been very unproductive work-wise these last few weeks I've been on a bender. Various things collapsing in my life. This persuades me once again that this habit of mine is unhealthy for me and I have to stop it.

    So, I'm recommitting myself to and starting again. New goal: 80 days. I have to succeed, for various reasons. Failure is not an option.
     
  12. vivalasvegas

    vivalasvegas Member

    Your story sounds eerily familiar wow , specifically your childhood ... I think I wrote about some of the exact same experiences in my journal.

    For me it manifested into a feminization and humiliation addiction.

    Anyway, your journey is an inspiration to me.. you've had amazing runs bro.

    Do not dwell on the relapse . Get back on the horse.

    Keep up the awesome work.. get your days back up.

    Good luck
     
  13. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thanks for the encouragement vivaslasvegas.

    Update.

    I last posted over 5 months ago. After that post on Oct 31 2015 I relapsed again soon afterwards. It was on, off, a few days runs at a time up until Christmas. Then I went home and saw family, still had some masturbation sessions. Sadly, one of my main motivations for stopping was that I was going to see my ex and try to get back together on vacation. I had wanted to build up a big run of no PMO before that, but I failed. In the end when I saw her I was only on about a week streak of no PMO.

    By "PMO" here I mean my weakness - reading transgender fantasy fiction and masturbating to pics of transgender women, imagining I was one of them.

    Anyway, I did get back together with my ex. Now I'm back in another country, so we only communicate via Skype. The day I returned, I relapsed, and the next day too .

    Then a weird thing happened.

    I lost all sense of arousal. Well, maybe not ALL of it, but certainly for two months now transsexual pics don't get me hard anymore. I just think "Ah, he looks like a dude".

    I guess I'm "flatlining". I never had it before.

    I had one erotic dream, but it wasn't a wet one.

    I still feel attracted sexually to women, but even that is less than it was.

    I've been continuing to read transgender stories, and occasionally look at transgender pics. But mostly out of habit. They just don't excite me.

    So, no MO from me for two months now.

    I hope to use this weird period to my advantage and wean myself off this crap.
     
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Three nights ago I relapsed. It happened because I was stupidly reading some erotic stories in bed before falling asleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night, vaguely becoming gradually aware that my hand was clenched around my stiff dick! I was sort of half asleep, so it was a cross between a wet dream and reality, but I mentally made the decision to give in, so it counts as a relapse.

    It was a 60 day run. I had aimed for 100 days.

    I have PMO'd three times since then. Not really getting very excited about it. Mainly as a drug to get my mind off shit I should be doing.

    Anyway, here I am. I'm recommitting myself to a fresh start!

    Try to get to 100 days this time. No erotic stories or pictures. They're ultimately what caused me to fail last time.
     
  15. Fapstronaut

    Fapstronaut "Now that I know better, I do better"

    Interesting story there.

    So, as for your situation. I feel as though this is certainly not pornography related, the reason I took an instant interest in your story is because I was abused myself, I also eventually got addicted to transsexual/transgender porn, it was almost a self harm in that I would always feel so degraded afterwards. I initially started off watching normal porn, magazines, softcore, an erect nipple would be enough to send me insane in the beginning. This morphed and I ended up building a huge tolerance to porn, it was the perfect recipe for a huge dopamine hit. I would edge for hours and hours, clicking around, starting off with a fetish i genuinely have (amongst other more vanilla stuff of course), once i got aroused i would move on to harder stuff, eventually landing on trans stuff, then occasionally moving back to my fetish (female feet/shoes) and vanilla stuff to finish. Sometimes I would complete the self harm by finishing on transexuals, I even discovered camming, me being on cam, jerking for other guys to see. I was essentially acting out childhood pain, familiarity to release the right amount of dopamine, and to complete. Somewhere in my subconscious, it felt "right". Let me tell you, it was a shitty situation, one of which I am still not free from, I have not partaken in anything like that for a while but it was the ULTIMATE in degredation. I am talking about my situation a lot, this is your thread, my reason is. In my scenario, there is clear acting out, tolerance, PMO/edging addiction that built and built until I realised I have wasted approximately 18 years of my 30 years on this planet. Whilst yours appears a little less clear.

    To get straight to the point, I am not expert by a long shot. I have been in therapy for years and have learnt a few things along the way, i hope. You may just be acting out that degredation you felt with your uncle? You be acting out that degredation you felt when you were forced to dress as a kid, maybe when your dad caught you you were humiliated. These things stay with you, oddly enough, if you were aroused by doing this as a child, and then humiliated on top, you are going to release a huge amount of dopamine and adrenaline amongst other things that just may have set a pathway in your brain that required that feeling to feel "properly" aroused. Like me, you are a victim of your childhood/upbringing. Another thing is, you are clearly finding it difficult to stop MB altogether, I feel there may be a strong link between your past, and your MB addiction/habit that you use medicinally. By that, I mean you MB to stop anxiety/worry/thinking about how you really feel underneath that.

    Another thing to add very briefly, and by no means do I mean this in anyway other way that trying to be helpful. Do you think you were born in the wrong body? DO YOU want to be female? Or dress as a female? Actually imagine yourself with a guy dominating you, is that what you REALLY ACTUALLY want? or is it a fantasy that ticks the dopamine, adrenaline and your trauma in to you being fully aroused. Only you know which, either way, i hope you look at this post positively and i wish you all the best. Really, I do.

    Something you may find interesting, it may or may not apply.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMoEs7eQeZE

    You are a survivor, do not let your past dictate your present. The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.
     
  16. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Yeah, thanks for your thoughtful reply fapstronaut. Appreciated video too. I think my fantasies about being a woman and experiencing sex as a woman are fantasies. I don't feel I'm trapped in the wrong body. In my teens I think I used to think a bit that way. But nowadays I don't think like that at all. I haven't cross dressed or even really had the urge to cross dress since my early twenties. But my fantasies are still strong. Maybe I've been suppressing it all. Who knows.

    I don't often think about my abuse as a kid by my uncle but I guess yeah it was a big thing.
     
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I'm back on the site after being away from it for quite a while. I need the support man, and reading other people's stories is helpful.

    I'm currently on a 9 day run, no P (my P that is, i.e. transsexual pics or stories) or M. Doing some exercise and daily walks which has been good.
     
  18. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Ok on a 13 day run. It's been a good run so far, but I haven't yet faced the beast. I've been going for some walks and some jogs to help me. Work has been in a quiet patch too so less stress. Tomorrow I go to Europe for a week vacation.
     
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    So, I returned from my European vacation. Usually on the way back from a big trip, I am tired and I just want to fap to release all the tension. I managed to avoid it on this return,though I was super tired.

    I've been going on jogs and walks more frequently. I have to, to keep my mind off fapping, and to give me more energy, which I need to resurrect my somewhat flailing career.

    I must be on about a 24 day run now. Proud of myself. Previous records were 60, 70, 71, 60. It's going to be tough to get there again! But I will try.

    I haven't had any conscious fantasies yet, but I have started to have some sexually charged dreams. One was a really weird one the other night, with a transgender theme. Although, I have a weird bed now-it makes me dream a lot!

    I'm going to sign up for some trail run races.

    But feeling pretty good today, had a bit more energy and got a few things done for a change.

    I am definitely appreciating women much more, noticing them much more, but in a healthy way I think!
     
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Well today was a good day, was easy to keep my mind off erotic images, and I did some good exercise.

    However, Wasn't as horny as on previous days, women didn't jump out as attractively to me eyes today.

    I'm going to have to start some serious exercise goal or something to keep my mind off this crap.
     

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