On the road - trying to manage huge obsession with transgender erotica and images

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mailboxsam, May 10, 2015.

  1. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Hi guys, I'm 36, just joined the site, here is my story. My problem is fantasies about dreaming about being a women, being fucked by a man, femdom, etc .

    When I was about 3 or 4 my brother and sister dressed me in my sister's clothes. I don't know why but I still do remember it, and I remember that my dad freaked out. Maybe this "planted the seed", or maybe it was just a coincidence.

    When I was about 10 or so, I remember I used to like climbing trees, because it would put pressure on my penis and give my daydreams a real rush. I'm pretty sure that these daydreams involved being a girl. I remember "crossdreaming" (daydreaming about being a girl) for long periods in the back seat of my parents car, when we used to drive to places, at this age (pre-teen).

    I had an uncle who sexually abused me when I was about 11. On two occasions he lay down next to me and asked me to put my hand on his penis. When my parents found out they were furious, of course. I never saw him again.

    When I was about 11, I started to sneak into my sister's room when she was gone and wear her panties and clothes, I particularly remember her swimming costume. Then I started masturbating in her clothes. This cross-dressing MO carried on till about 16, when we moved away and I lost the chance to wear her stuff. I haven't cross-dressed since I was 16.

    All through school I had these sexual fantasies. Often they were about hot female teachers. But, I would imagine -being- them, not making love to them. I didn't realize this was strange at the time. I compartmentalized this fantasy, never analyzing it. I had a normal successful life, and I went out with some girls, kissed some, etc. , which I enjoyed, because I was definitely attracted to girls.

    When I was about 22, I discovered the world of transgender-dom on the internet. I remember I started on fapping to pics of the gorgeous transgender Jenny Hiloudaki. And then I discovered transgender fiction sites especially fictionmania. I have read thousands and thousands of stories there, fantasizing about being forced to become a women, breast implants, femdom, sissification, etc., and fapping to the stories, while looking at pics of beatiful transsexuals (eg Nong Poy, Amiyah Scott, Janet Mock) that I spend hours and hours downloading.

    I've been doing now for about 15 years. And I desperately want to stop.

    I've had about 4 girlfriends. I grew up in a Christian household, so I was like 28 when I decided it was "ok" to have unmarital sex with my gf. She was coming to visit in two months. I knew I had a fapping problem, and I didn't want this to affect my libido. So I stopped fapping for 60 days (my longest streak of my life). When she came, during our make-out session I penetrated her but I had no enjoyment and was unable to orgasm. It felt dead, like sticking my dick into a piece of wood.

    I have never successfully had an organism while penetrating a woman. I've tried about 6 times, and I've gotten poorer and poorer results each time. Can't even get it hard anymore for that.

    So, here I am, trying again. My problem is a bit different to most people's on this site. I'm not addicted to hard-core porn - I have hardly watched any hard-core porn in my life, maybe snippets of transgender porn. But, I'm addicted to fapping to pics of beautiful transgenders, sometimes soft-core pics. I fantasize about being them, about being a woman, about making love to a man, about being dominated and humiliated by the man. And I've read so many stories on fictionmania I think that may have fucked my brain up the worst.

    I don't think I'm actually transgender myself because I don't really want to become a woman. I've often pondered this point. Am I in denial? I don't know. But I've discovered this site, and I know there are others like me here. So I'm trying again.

    I'm on day 14 of my first serious attempt to stop.
  2. Rissen

    Rissen Member

    Welcome to the forum mailboxsam. I hope you'll succeed with your mission to improve your life and health, and put your addictions behind you. It's not easy, and for most of us it takes time and is a struggle from time to time, but don't give up. Just keep on working on it until you find your way.
  3. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Thank you.
  4. essan

    essan Recovering my PIED - Madrid, Spain

    Hello Mailboxsam, I wish you good luck with your challenge.

    I know many transgenders in my city, and they all tell me the same stories. I wont get into much detail but in short they receive guys looking for a feminine woman with a HUGE cock.

    Your story is extremely different, opposite. You are not looking for Mariana Cordoba / Mia Isabella / etc... you are looking for something totally different, you are paying attention to the transgender divas outside of porn.

    I'm sorry to point this out in public but, maybe, you have somekind of HOCD, or maybe you are a real transgender and you had denied yourself. This might be something to look at in a different theme from the porn and fap addictions.
  5. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    We'll see. It's been 16 days, and today has been tough. Had a drink and was really tired from not enough sleep. Still trying to hang on.
  6. AddictedAgain

    AddictedAgain Pain = Growth

    Hang in there Sam, they say the first 30 days are the hardest. I'm curious, have you been fantasizing during your reboot, and have your fantasies changed at all? I would advice no fantasy during the reboot, as it is often a trigger to acting out. Keep posting!

  7. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Well, I took a sleeping pill last night and woke up, a bit late, this morning but I survived. It's weird, this is day 17. Normally I would have had a big fantasy or wet dreams by now, but this time nothing. I have no libido, no morning woods. I haven't been fantasizing. I haven't hit the "surge" yet. It's going to be tough when it comes.
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    It's day 25. It's getting a lot harder. Starting to have fantasies hitting my brain quite a lot.
  9. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Ok. It's day 31. The last few days have been tough, I've had a lot of fantasizing coming into my head. Somehow I managed to avoid PMO'ing. Reading the stories in this forum has been a big help, I can identify with so much of it. Yesterday was really really hard but after reading some stories on this site, I picked up my guitar and ended up playing in an open mike session at the pub which went well and took my mind off this shit. I got back from a trip over the weeekend, and coming back from trips tired is always a huge trigger for me to PMO so it was a major achievement to avoid it!

    Today was a good day. But I feel some temptations coming on now in the evening! Anyway, it's day 31, I am proud I at least got here.
  10. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Well this is day 35. It's not getting any easier! But I'm glad I made it this far. I've definitely seen some improvement in my life - more stable, more confident in conversations, not secretly ashamed that "if they know the real me they will be disgusted". I've started going to
    a dance class so at least I get to meet women.
  11. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    This is day 40. The last three days I've had some flatlining periods, but also some periods of arousal when being near to pretty girls. I've managed to find exercise routines to keep me occupied. Generally my life has been going better. I am getting more work done, and I am working more consistently. I am feeling happier. Maybe it's just summer! The temptation is still there big time, but it ebbs and flows a bit more now. I've started forgetting some of my old masturbation favourite scenes (particularly sexy girl in a bikini, etc.). Maybe one day I will be able to forget most of them.

    I've also started reading some more forums on my problem (cross-dreaming, or autogynaphelia). Being on those forums have helped, since I've seen there's other people with the same problem as me. Admitting my problem to myself has helped me start to deal with it.

    But this forum helps me because I have the same root problem as everyone else around here (addicted to PMO, just my "P" is a little bit different than other people's, but not so much). And I really identify with the desire of everyone around here to pull their lives together and quit.
  12. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Day 49. I had my first wet dream yesterday afternoon while taking a nap. The same thing happened to me on my previous reboot attempt, ten years ago. I remember getting close to two months, and then being derailed by a wet dream, after which I relapsed the next day.
  13. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    Hello, I apologize in advance if my directness sounds offensive to you, it is not my intend in any way. I am not claiming to be know it all but I think that your problem is not about addiction. Seems to me that you are forcefully trying to repress your own sexuality, I don't think your story has anything to do with addiction, especially to porn. Is it the Christian upbringing that is in the way of expressing who you are? According to your story your dad freaked out, which indicates that he is not going to be accepting of anything other than you being a straight man. Well, what if you are not, will you live suffering like that all your life? Because if I get it correctly you do not have any satisfaction from sexual intercourse with women, right? I don't want to be preaching (pun intended) but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with expressing different forms of sexuality. Have you heard of Kinsey's scale? Maybe instead of suppressing yourself you should try and find like-minded people, join the LGBTQ community, maybe...
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    Well, I accomplished my goal! 60 days no PMO. Longest streak of my life.
  15. AddictedAgain

    AddictedAgain Pain = Growth

    Congrats Sam! Big accomplishment. Continue to stay clean. Any positive results you'd like to share?

  16. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    I strongly disagree with Garga2, this addiction robs you of your self love self esteem and self confidence it is one of the worst and I admire you for taking the right path for you

    How are you holding on ?
    mailboxsam likes this.
  17. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    An update since my last post. I made it to 70 days, no P or M or O (except for 1 wet dream). This was a new record for me. Then I relapsed a few times, had a streak of about a week, relapsed again, on and off. The main problem has been that it is a very stressful period for me, with some major work decisions to make, and it is very very tempting for me to relapse just to release the stress.

    Now I'm starting again. It's 8 days since my reboot. I want to beat my record of 70.

    To respond to BreakTheCycle. Yes, I experienced a number of positive things. I got into a good rhythm of waking up early and getting to bed earlier. I had more confidence around women, and I actually noticed that women were noticing me more because, I think, I had less inner shame.

    The forum has always helped me when I've been on the verge of relapsing.
  18. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    14 days and counting, no P or M or O. Having a good run, going to sleep earlier, waking up earlier. Don't know what to do with myself in the evenings and on weekends! Taking up guitar again and trying to organize events with friends. Starting a weekly circuits session at the gym. To Doctormountain - thanks.
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    19 days. Going well. I got into a good rhythm this week, waking up earlier, going to bed earlier. Broke a personal best jogging time. Went to the gym. Yesterday was bad though, I felt depressed and down. I went out with some friends in the evening, and a girl who I fancy payed much more attention to my friend. I didn't feel alert, a bit foggy and drowsy. Today I feel fine again. Libido is down at the moment, I've been flatlining this week.
  20. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    21 days. Fitness program going well, broken a few personal bests. Unfortunately been getting up late the last few working days, screwed up my work for the day. I asked a girl who I fancy out, but she turned me down. Strangely, this "released" me since I was thinking about that all the time, knowing that it would be an impossible relationship to make work. Still with very low libido, so the last week or so hasn't been hard to abstain from PMO. But I've had some horny moments recently. Still don't know what to do with my weekends!

Share This Page