Hi guys, I'm 36, just joined the site, here is my story. My problem is fantasies about dreaming about being a women, being fucked by a man, femdom, etc . When I was about 3 or 4 my brother and sister dressed me in my sister's clothes. I don't know why but I still do remember it, and I remember that my dad freaked out. Maybe this "planted the seed", or maybe it was just a coincidence. When I was about 10 or so, I remember I used to like climbing trees, because it would put pressure on my penis and give my daydreams a real rush. I'm pretty sure that these daydreams involved being a girl. I remember "crossdreaming" (daydreaming about being a girl) for long periods in the back seat of my parents car, when we used to drive to places, at this age (pre-teen). I had an uncle who sexually abused me when I was about 11. On two occasions he lay down next to me and asked me to put my hand on his penis. When my parents found out they were furious, of course. I never saw him again. When I was about 11, I started to sneak into my sister's room when she was gone and wear her panties and clothes, I particularly remember her swimming costume. Then I started masturbating in her clothes. This cross-dressing MO carried on till about 16, when we moved away and I lost the chance to wear her stuff. I haven't cross-dressed since I was 16. All through school I had these sexual fantasies. Often they were about hot female teachers. But, I would imagine -being- them, not making love to them. I didn't realize this was strange at the time. I compartmentalized this fantasy, never analyzing it. I had a normal successful life, and I went out with some girls, kissed some, etc. , which I enjoyed, because I was definitely attracted to girls. When I was about 22, I discovered the world of transgender-dom on the internet. I remember I started on fapping to pics of the gorgeous transgender Jenny Hiloudaki. And then I discovered transgender fiction sites especially fictionmania. I have read thousands and thousands of stories there, fantasizing about being forced to become a women, breast implants, femdom, sissification, etc., and fapping to the stories, while looking at pics of beatiful transsexuals (eg Nong Poy, Amiyah Scott, Janet Mock) that I spend hours and hours downloading. I've been doing now for about 15 years. And I desperately want to stop. I've had about 4 girlfriends. I grew up in a Christian household, so I was like 28 when I decided it was "ok" to have unmarital sex with my gf. She was coming to visit in two months. I knew I had a fapping problem, and I didn't want this to affect my libido. So I stopped fapping for 60 days (my longest streak of my life). When she came, during our make-out session I penetrated her but I had no enjoyment and was unable to orgasm. It felt dead, like sticking my dick into a piece of wood. I have never successfully had an organism while penetrating a woman. I've tried about 6 times, and I've gotten poorer and poorer results each time. Can't even get it hard anymore for that. So, here I am, trying again. My problem is a bit different to most people's on this site. I'm not addicted to hard-core porn - I have hardly watched any hard-core porn in my life, maybe snippets of transgender porn. But, I'm addicted to fapping to pics of beautiful transgenders, sometimes soft-core pics. I fantasize about being them, about being a woman, about making love to a man, about being dominated and humiliated by the man. And I've read so many stories on fictionmania I think that may have fucked my brain up the worst. I don't think I'm actually transgender myself because I don't really want to become a woman. I've often pondered this point. Am I in denial? I don't know. But I've discovered this site, and I know there are others like me here. So I'm trying again. I'm on day 14 of my first serious attempt to stop.