On a noFap journey.. i have conflicted feelings.. (+ OCD & sissy fetish)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Zamyou, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. Zamyou

    Zamyou Member

    So to start off with, I'm turning 28 soon and i've been into porn since i was like 12.. for 10 years i used to PMO 3-6 times a day and ive been trying to reboot on and off for around 4 years..
    I've also developed sexual-OCD themes many years ago but ive had OCD all my life.. the current OCD themes revolve around my fetishes and get fears about my weird arousals and what they might mean...

    I started off with mostly vanilla stuff but i admit i had a handful of "odd" fantasies as well resembling my current fetishes.. then vanilla escalated to harder vanilla stuff, then more taboo porn, then gay porn, then shemales and my recent concern is about sissy / crossdressing fantasies and imagining myself as a woman (autogynephilia) or a sissy.. it wouldnt be a problem if i had mostly vanilla fantasies with a few weird kinks here and there but i've gotten these odd ones more in the recent months.. so much that thoughts leak into my everyday life... in real life i am nothing like or want to be nothing like my fantasies.. i've always wanted to be a confident man and husband and a dad some day. But this just scares me... its like my brain is hijacked...

    The worst part is that vanilla stuff seems pretty dull and trying to imagine sex with women in my head is hard and does little and sometimes nothing to me... relationships and sex with women have so far been great and i do get hard being intimate or close to a woman in real life. But in my fantasy realm or even sometimes during sex i need porn influenced fantasies or weird fetishes to feel properly aroused..

    So right now im on Day 45 of hardmode and while i do feel more confident and calm i also feel anxious / depressed. Have i been suppressing strong- / depressive emotions with porn all these years? Do i have some hormonal imbalance from fapping too much?
    I get most anxious especially when my OCD makes me doubt my sexuality or gender. Random thoughts but also weird fantasies pop up out of nowhere against my will and although they have diminished on noFap, i still get them occasionally and they get me a bit aroused still at times.
    During this journey ive had a flatline too but sometimes i get horny.

    I've seen many people in a similar situation to me (OCD + sissy fetishes) have rebooted succesfully. My goal is not to "get rid of" anything but i want my old self back.. i want to feel content with the old me again and give up porn forever!
    Is there hope for me? Are there others here like me?

    Thanks!
     
  2. Zamyou

    Zamyou Member

    Day 85....
    So overall i feel like my vanilla sexuality is returning slowly and overall i feel more energetic and confident... it makes me very happy.. still, i get these "sissy flashes" and i hate it.. and sure, i do get urges to look at P.. I just hope it will get better.. i want to return to how i was before...
     
  3. fedmom

    fedmom Member

    The cause if this fetish is low levels of serotonin which can be increased with 5-htp tablets. See my profile for a thread with another method to increase it.
     

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