On a mission to find my life. The real life without internet and superstimulus.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Conquistador, Apr 21, 2014.

  1. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    I won´t make a presentation since I´m not a new member here. I just wanted a new journal to help assisting me with an extra strong feeling of meaning business.
    I want to start fresh.

    My latest journal was called: "Getting stronger week by week on the road to supreme self confidence" Profile name Decisive.
    When I first started in Januari 2013 I had a journal called "I want a new life. At age 36 it´s not to late" Profile name MarstonS. (or something like that...I don´t remember exactly)'


    I mean business now. I´m going to find out what life is outside of my house. What is it like outside of the internet and porn that I always escape in to? Most importantly, what is life like outside of my head?
    I know so strongly that I have been "escaping" my life. I just don´t face it. I hide by drinking a few drinks, looking at porn and getting in that sexual flow that the addiction creates. Most of all I have gotten so addicted to my smartphone that last night I decided to get rid of it. I took out my sim-card. And took a knife and destroyed the slot so the card would not fit in there any more. That way I can use it just to make notes on, listen to music, radio and the rest of the programs but there is no internet any more and it is not a phone anymore. I DO NOT WANT INTERNET IN MY POCKET 24/7 BECAUSE I ESCAPE IN TO THAT WORLD. Just like the warrior leader Tariq ibn Ziyad, ordered his ships to be burned so he and his men could not return but HAD to face the enemies I did the same. My boat was my smartphone/internet. The thing I want to conquer is my life. I can not have victory ower the enemy if I keep escaping all the time. That is why I burned my ship.
    I also don´t have internet at home now. No computer. I will write in my journal in the library or whenI´m visiting my parents house. No chans of relapsing there.
     
  2. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 1

    Writing this at my parents house. I will log out and leave soon and then I don´t have acess to the internet. Fuck the internet! If I want to connect with people then I have no choice but to go out and socialize or invite som friend/friends. I´m convinced that is the way to go for a man with social anxiety. What options sounds better for a shy person: A) hide behind a screen and try to chat up people or B) actually going out interacting with people and se the real word? Yeah option B, no doubt!

    The sun is shining. I feel a sence of hope! I´m going for a walk and think about what goals I want to achive.

    Have a nice day brothers!
     
  3. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    All those internet sites, Facebook etc., pretend to be "social." That interaction, however, while being quick and effortless, leaves out levels that are there in people interacting face to face. End it makes things worse for the people who suffer from social anxiety. I myself don't get much social contact, but then again, beside this board, I don't interact with people online.

    If you thought that there was a problem with your phone use, there was. Now, when you sense that you're in a danger of relapsing, you can get away from a computer and not carry one around all the time. Also, all the borderline content that lead to relapses isn't there anymore.

    You have a nice walk and a nice day!
     
  4. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 2 -morning


    Slept very poorly and woke up with terrible anxiety. Sort of funny how it´s possible to literally have anxiety while sleeping and then it is already there when waking up. When opening my eyes it´s already squeezing my hart with it´s darkness. I had this happen to me very ofte a few years ago but last year it has not happened that often. Maybe I have withdrawls from my smartphone now as well as porn...and perhaps alcohol since I have ben drinking a bit during the easter vacation. Nothing to do about that now but full speed ahead!
     
  5. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    That makes two of us, with the sleep and the anxiety. I think in a few days you'll feel better. I've sometimes had terrible anxiety in the days following a relapse. And sometimes later as well, but they usually fade after the first week or so.

    Did drinking make it easier for you to relapse?
     
  6. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 3 - morning

    This night was good. Did not wake up and slept like a log. I´m going to do some meditation now and then take a cold shower.

    TruettW, yes. I can´t deny that drinking makes me relapse easier. I´m limiting it although I know that the very best thing would be to cut it out completely.
     
  7. ChooseWisely

    ChooseWisely Member

    Hi Conquistador,
    I haven't written anything in your previous journals but today I want to say something as I really feel like I need to.

    I just want to say that I have the highest respect for your bold decision to make progress by going completely off-line.

    I admire your determination. I believe that this is what makes the difference. You did the bold step in the direction of recovery, and with this attitude there is every likelihood that you will succeed. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that someday I'll be mature enough to take drastic measures like you did.
     
  8. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    What would have Tariq ibn Ziyad done to the alcohol?
     
  9. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 5 (next goal is 10 days)

    The first five days I have managed to keep the motivation up and been doing good things for my self. Besides my job I have every day meditatied, exercised, practiced my musical instrument and taken a cold shower. All of those things is proven to build self discipline and willpower. The two I hate most of those is meditating and the cold showers. Man they suck!!! But I strongly think they are very good for me so I´ll continue with them.
    I have to be carefull where my focus is. When I do good things, like I have done theese 5 days, I often feel like I need a reward. That in it self is ok I guess but the addictive brain could very easily convince me what that reward should be. I won´t go there!

    The weekend is coming up and I honestly can say I am relived that I don´t have my smartphone any more. And no internet. I will get bored, Im sure, but that is a good thing. Then I have to figuer out something to actually DO instead of escaping. Then I will really notice that my ship is burned. There is no sailing back. And then, hopfully my brain will learn and discover new things....REAL things.

    ChooseWisely, Thank you very much. It warms my heart to read that.

    TruettW, I have been thinking of that. If I relapse only ONE more time due to a couple of drinks then I will figure out a way to burn that ship also.


    Hold your heads up high brothers!
     
  10. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Excellent! Now you have to look out for that moment of weakness, of low motivation, of hopelessness. The moment in which the addiction's voice begins to seem more and more convincing. Yes, there is reason to relapse. A gift to yourself, perhaps. Surely you need some sort of sexual entertainment as well. Or perhaps one last time before quitting for good. Whatever you might start to think about, stop it in the very beginning. Keep in your mind that those seem like good ideas but looking back you'd only feel bad. You've relapsed enough times that you know how the sequence goes. The first strike is still deadly!
     
  11. Dante A.

    Dante A. New Member

    Hey, you don't have to give up the internet completely; there are other ways to change your life and overcome the PMO addiction. The #1 reason I've been successful this time is that I got an internet filter and it's one that keeps me accountable to another person if I'm tempted to relapse. I have Covenant Eyes and I asked one of my brothers to be my acountability buddy. It's worked wonderfully. If I'm having a hard time, I just talk to my brother and I feel a lot better.

    And after a few weeks of success, I started having wonderful interactions with women. Very Jekyll/Hyde the way I attract/repel women based on whether or not PMO is something in my life. I could not COUNT the number of times in the past month that a woman has given me her phone number, complimented me, found a reason to come and talk to me, smiled at me in the gym, etc... No episode of masturbation has EVER felt as good as this feels. I don't want to destroy it. It's not a cockiness or arrogance-- I'm not going to behave like a male whore even though I could-- but it does make my search for my soul mate that much nicer.

    I had an incident yesterday where I came close to a relapse-- not with the porn, but I almost MO-- and it was because I had a wonderful confidence building event in my life on Wednesday night. I went out and drank a lot afterward and when I woke up yesterday, I felt so good and yet I felt like I was ready to burst. Sometimes I have this issue too when I drink. Last night I was aching when I went to bed and I had to stop myself from having fantasies about girls at work. I ended up having some dreams about porn-- but when I woke up today I felt pretty good knowing that I stayed strong.

    I say the best thing you can do is to turn to a male friend/relative and ask them to be your accountability buddy-- and then put something like Covenant Eyes on your devices. A few times I went to look for stuff that wasn't strictly porn, but Covenant Eyes blocked it-- and I could have looked anyway, but I thought for a second and realized that I probably would have seen something that wasn't helpful or something that could have been a trigger.

    I'm very much living in the REAL WORLD now and I love it. Best of luck in your journey. Just be positive and persistent and true to yourself and you'll succeed.
     
  12. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 6

    At my parents house. I´m a bit down right now guys. The fact that I got rid of my smartphone and have no internet at my home is a good thing. I have had feelings of great freedome and beeing in control this week. I am 100% sure that it is the way to go for me. But as most of us know an addiction, in whatever form, often beguins to mask some underlying problems the individual have. I´m pretty sure mine is lack of self worth. IF I start to get good at something--I sabotage it for my self. IF I feel awesome or have a great and fun time somteimes then I start feeling guilty. If I have vacation I can´t enjoy it because I feel like I should do something of worth.
    I´m not going to relapse. I just notice the empty feelings I have when I´m not drugging my self. I guess I need to notice them. But what the fuck should I do about it?

    TruettW, One last time before quitting for good has almost been my "motto" the last soon to be 2 years. It is a devastating thought.

    Dante A, Thank you for taking the time to write here. I will remember your advice when I get my computer and internet back. Right now, though, I DO NOT WANT IT. You see, sex and porn is not my only addiction but internet and my smartphone in itself is. I seriously do not want or need it. Not right now.
     
  13. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    They say an addict always has issues with himself. You don't have to feel inferior for this. I try to think that we're all here to become better. There will be bad moments, when you feel down and hurt. It's alright. Everyone feels that way. To be a strong person doesn't mean that someone is always happy. A strong person manages himself also when he is feeling down. I know you are capable of this. You've rebooted well. Enjoy just today. You have every reason to, because you are doing something of worth, working on yourself! Even if you took a vacation of a few months and did nothing else, you'd still be rebooting, and that's something of immense worth!
     
  14. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 7

    The burning of my boat and my idea that it would force me to go do stuff in real life has not really come true yet. The ball has not started rolling at least. Yesterday I went fishing in the afternoon. That is always something but then when the evening came I sat at home...without the internet and porn...felt bored...did not come up with anything to do so I went to bed at 8.30 PM. And slept for 13 hours. Haha...kind of pathetic but I needed the sleep anyway. Instead of figuring out things to do with my life I sleep :p well, it was my first weekend. I will have to LEARN how to make plans and follow them.

    TruettW, Yeah I guess I have problems accepting the bad feelings. They are there for a reason, just like when I have good ones.
     
  15. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Sleep is not bad for you. That's when recovery happens. I'd sleep more each night if I could. It sooths the mood and makes us mentally stronger. And each hour you spend sleeping is an hour you won't have to worry about relapsing.
     
  16. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 10

    Had some kind of shitty anxiety attacks today. I sometimes get them but today they where worse than usual. Fuck that! It is just feelings. Nothing that kills me.

    Stay strong brothers!
     
  17. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Probably you can step back from the situation, see the source of the anxiety in a new light. I have a habit of inflating small nuisances into disasters in my mind. And afterwards I get the feeling, "Why didn't I just consider it in this light instead?" I get worked up about basically meaningless things. I've relapsed after getting worked about buying a wrong part from a store, and not being able to exchange it for the correct one. The whole mishap would have cost me only a few bucks, but I let it cost me that and a perfectly good reboot. You talk yourself out of that anxiety. Emotional pain is nothing to be escaped, if it's happening for a real reason. And if it's not, then you'd better just switch it off, consider that you don't have the time or the energy to get upset about something so trivial.
     
  18. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 11

    Started the day with meditation and an hour long walk before breakfast. I feel better today. Todays thoughts are somwhere in line of: "wonder if I really miss conection to others or if I´m just an introvert that want´s to be alone..." as stupid as it sound I´m not 100% sure. My guess is that I do want contact but something inside me makes me feel uncomfortable with it. (inferior complex?)
    The search for my life continues 8)

    TruettW, Thanks for the advice. The kind of attacks I´m speaking about is nothing that lingers because I do push it back with my thoughts but it´s some kind of weird thing that comes fast as lightning, seemingly out of nowhere, and almost makes me loose my balance. I know it´s a mental thing because it is worse if I walk on open places where I can´t grab anything if I get dizzy, yet they happens so quickly it is like they do not come from my thinking becaus I can feel good and think of something nice and then suddenly: BAM! out of nowhere they attack. Well...it is not THAT bad, a couple of years ago it was bad but they do not happen so often anymore. Yesterday they where frustrating though.
     
  19. TruettW

    TruettW Active Member

    Your doing well, thanks for inspiring me to aim for the same! We both know those attacks will fade the longer you reboot. Have that be just another reason among many reasons to avoid the addiction.

    It doesn't sound stupid. I often find myself with having contradicting thoughts and feelings about some subject. It does feel stupid, I admit. We should be able to make our minds about things, after all. :) But sometimes something is hanging right there on the edge, tipping in both directions in turns. The great thing is, we don't have to be sure about anything like that right now. Just do what feels right (except when it's the addiction trying to convince you that it's right).
     
  20. Conquistador

    Conquistador Guest

    Day 13

    No alcohol, day 1. (goal 21)

    I drank too many ciders yesterday end feel like crap today, No surprise. What also disturbs me is the feeling that I just know I would have relapsed yesterday had I had access to the internet. Then I would be hungover today with my counter on zero..uff. I´m seriously going to take a time out from drinks for a while now. They cost money, are bad for my brain and body and do not contribute to anything good at all....exept for a few minutes of relaxed feelings.

    I´m making it official. Going to go 21 days without one drop of alcohol. If I can´t make it I will figure out a way to burn that ship also.

    TruettW, I guess you are right. We don´t need to be sure.
     

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