Both days this weekend I left the house before 7 AM to go for a run. Leaving with the stars and moon above me and seeing the sun rise on the way back. Just beautiful. This morning I even went for a swim in the sea halfway my run. Now, this is addictive. And in the meantime the urges have completely disappeared. I am getting super exited for the longer runs ahead of me. Thanks @Montesquieu!
Getting close to 7 weeks clean. After a week of quite some urges, things are more quiet now again. I am starting to feel more benefits: I sleep and rest better, I have more energy, more discipline (procrastination gone), I am calmer, I connect better to others, have more and longer (and enjoy more) eye contact with others and I communicate better. Things are just going well on so many fronts. At work I am getting things done, family dynamics are good and physically I think I have never been in this good shape. It is not all just because of stopping porn, but . . . largely it is. Porn just undermines your development in so many ways. It sucks out all the potential you have. Every little seed that germinates is just destroyed. It sucks your life force out of you, for just some minutes of pleasure.
I had sex with my wife last Thursday. It was great. It is the 4th time this reboot and maybe this is even already more than the number of times we had sex in the first 8 months of this year. Good development, should keep this up. This morning I went for a 2h run. I left in the dark and the sun came up (well, behind the clouds) when I was on the beach. When I was running there, all alone, the sea on one side, the dunes on the other, I felt pure happiness. It took an hour before I saw the first people. Maybe next time I'll leave earlier. I love the solitude there in nature. Reminder to myself: stay clean from fantasies, masturbation and porn. Urges may come and then it may seem that there is only one way out, which is by watching porn or fantasizing. However, acting out is the best way to make sure that urges will stay or come back (the more you scratch the more you itch). Not acting out is the only way. FPM is not an option.
Gil - I’m really happy for you with the progress you are making! Wonderful to hear that you are making love to your wife in such a satisfying manner! That’s also an intoxicating feeling in a good way! And I also live near the beach. I don’t run there but I do take my dog on long walks in the evening when it’s very quiet. Taking in the vastness of nature is such a humbling and beautiful experience! And I hear you on acting out. It only starts making things accelerate in a negative way. I had a rough day yesterday. But I woke up today determined to stay the course going forward. thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and successes on your journey. It’s the inspiration I really needed to hear today! keep up the fight! You are doing amazingly well at many levels!
Some difficult days. I overdid it with exercise lately and in combination with bad sleep and travelling, I feel completely exhausted right now. Just a few hours and then I am home again. Looking forward to see my wife and kids and my pillow. Despite the difficulties (also some shit at work) I feel so much supported by my family. I had a great phone call with my wife when I was in a hotel last night and we just interacted really nicely (must be because of all the sex and intimacy lately ). Also my daughter had made me a drawing with many hearts. I had it next to my hotel bed and it gave me strength. For perspective: my default hotel stays are more like: quick talk to wife and kids, binge junk food in front of TV, PMO, sleep, wake up miserable. Related to that, this afternoon I discovered something shocking. The meeting was also in a hotel and there in the bathroom there was a maxhine to get condoms, but it also had: erection pills, lubricant and something called a masturbation sheet! Really crazy. Porn addiction and PIED is a pandemic. This experience is great reinforcement for me to stay clean and heal from this addiction. Thanks @path-forward and @Montesquieu for your posts!
These words ring so true to me. Several times when I have had some distance from porn, I feel like I am just on the cusp of... something. Then after I choose to reset whatever it was is forgotten or seems unattainable. It's not a fun way to live.
Still holding on here, but I have been trying to explore the flexibiliteit of my borders here and there. More concretely: I have been fantasizing, touching and looking up borderline materialen. Last night I downloaded the tinder app. I didn't proceed with the whole process because it made me very uncomfortable to upload my picture. That was quite a confronting to do. I guess my brain is looking for dopamine in a kind of a panic-mode. On the other hand things are going really well. This weekend was just beautiful. I went for a 21km run on Saturday morning, largely in the dark. Then the rest of the day spending time with family. On Sunday I took the kids to a running race. My oldest son and daughter ran 1km. I am so proud, especially because my son was really afraid to do it. He ended up super happy and proud of himself. Myself I ran 5km in a really good pace. Then in the afternoon I made a fire in the garden and we roasted chessnuts that we searched the day before. Life can't be better for me. In that sense it my seem so contradictory that I downloaded the tinder app. I guess it is partly the process of starving addicitive brain circuits and partly work stress. I like my job and the pay is good, but it is also stressful, with stressful people and a lot of travelling. Honestly the salary is my biggest motivation to stay here. A second motivation may be to learn things and develop a network that I can use to make a next step. Maybe I just want to be my own boss.
I think all of us in this board can relate to what you are going through, Gil. I especially relate to your point about exploring the limits of this addiction—what sexual activities one can engage in without increasing the likelihood of a relapse. I’ve thought a lot about that myself over the last few weeks as well. It’s tricky, but we each have to figure it out for ourselves. I think it’s a little bit different for everyone (though I’m sure there is a lot overlap too). At any rate, I just wanted to say that I relate to a lot of what you are going through. Best of luck defining the boundaries of your recovery journey that allow for success in recovery but also peace and fulfillment in your life in general.
