On a mission to become authentic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're absolutely right. I need to and will remember this. Thanks @Thelongwayhome27
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  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last week I had the worst binge of 2023. I think it started with a bad night and some fantasy. Then in the evening a relatively short PMO relapse. That night only a few hours sleep. The next day hours of fantasy and in the evening a long PMO binge with alcohol. That whole day I knew I would relapse and also planned the alcohol with it in advance. I really wanted to indulge myself, feed the beast.

    Then again a bad night sleep. The next day I felt terrible, but managed to sleep a bit better. now I am 2 days clean again, but had another bad night. woke up at 1:30 AM and now on my way to work. I am in a negative cycle and I am not sure how to get out of it. Sleeplessness has become a huge problem for me. I never had problems sleeping before, and in the previous years I was sleeping badly because of the kids. But now I have the opportunity to sleep, and I need it badly to deal with work and family, but I just sleep a couple of hours and then I am wide awake.

    Not sure how to deal with this
  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Gil - very sorry to hear about your tough times with sleep. Try melatonin or Unisom. Unisom may make you feel a bit frowsy in the morning tho.
    Alcohol also negatively affects one's sleep as well

    I have been involved with pre-planned relapses before. its a terrible feeling - as its like my body is being driven 100% by my id - no restraints on compulsive behavior. But like you - I felt terrible afterwards. Alcohol and weed def take away the ability to have self-control and create tons of rationalization.

    Great to hear you have been clean for a couple of days! One day at a time. Keep it going! The hardest part of creating a new long term clean streak - is getting beyond the relapse.

    You have done that. Keep it going brother! And good luck with your sleep.

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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for support @path-forward. somehow I made it through the long working day yesterday, although at very slow pace, and last night I slept better. I am a bit hesitant to use melatonin, but maybe I should give it a try. Will also check out Unisom.

    Last relapse was on March 31st, so this will be easy counting. At the end of the year I will be 9 months clean ;)
  5. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Hi Gil79,

    Sorry to hear about the sleep problems. I have a similar problem. Allthough I have generally no problem with sleeping the quality of my sleep is bad (too little deep sleep). I had various examinations but no bodily problems were diagnosed. I got a prescription for Trazodone. I used it for some time but I didn't really feel an effect. So I stopped using. Since a few weeks I have been havin the trouble of waking up real early (around 5 am) and not being able to get back to sleep. So since yesterday I started using the Trazodone again, in combination with melatonin (a friend told me that this specific combination works well). I'll keep you posted and I hope the melatonine does the trick for you.
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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last Thursday I binged again. Not sure how it happened. I think I was really overwhelmed by everything.

    I am loosing my balance too quickly and fantasy and PMO play a large role in that. In the same way as a 'this is better than expected' experience releases dopamine, the disappointing experiences (which are a natural part of life), can really bring me down. Or maybe even just the fear of disappointment. This turns out to be early morning rambling.

    Really want to up my game. Reclaim my masculinity and power. Be a boss over what is in my circle of influence and be in a good flow with everything else.

    Thanks for your post and advice @wintersturme. I have been trying CBD oil for a couple if days now and also taken some other measures (having some food and a thermo with herbal tea next to my bed, not going to bed too early). So far I have been falling asleep again after waking up at night.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last week, when I was in the train in the morning after a night of almost no sleep I was mindlessly checking youtube and came across the audio below. It is the Tao Te Ching told by Wayne Dyer. I really enjoyed it and lifted my spirit at that moment and some lines stuck to me, like: 'even the muddiest waters clear when they are stilled, and from there it is that life originates'. That sentence means so much to me, because when I am able to find my balance again and do my meditations and breathing exercises, my mind gets clear and I feel a lust for life I can't explain. I do not understand why I always loose that balance again. But maybe that is also what the Tao Te Ching explains: that what you try to grab will disappear and that what you let go will come to you. Well, anyway, it is definitely worth it to give ot a try and listen to a part of it.

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  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Been struggling for months now. Not only with porn, but also with other ways to avoid difficulties, especially phone/youtube and coffee. It has become my standard way to dealt with feelings of boredom, anger, mistakes, shame, tiredness, etc. It has become a cycle in which it is unclear what causes what, but an origin definitely lies in last winter when I was dealing with insomnia and a lot of work-stress. I need to get out of this cycle. Not only for me, but also for my family. i don't want to be this kind of parent. For the last 2 days I have kept my phone off for the whole day, except for 10 minutes at noon to just check important messages. It feels like I am rebooting. I think that the combination of coffee and phone use really keeps my dopamine high during the day, leading to exhaustion. I am now recovering from that.
    Boxer17, NewStart19 and path-forward like this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Gil, nice to hear from you.

    I have also found a relationship between different stimulants or artificial stimulation. It seems like I'm more susceptible to porn if I've gotten a (artificial) dopamine boost in some other way before that. Good that you try to deal with the other things too. It can definitely be helpful.

    I hope your insomnia is better now.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Building strength again for another battle. I want to win this war. Day 6 no-arousal now. The key will be anticipation and planning.

    I want to be more active on YBR again to follow the progress of peers and write down daily updates and (anticipated) difficulties.

    The words of someone in a podcast I heard the other day resonate with me: 'either you are in control, or someone else is'
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  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Came back from holidays yesterday. Still exhausted of 3 days driving. I am going to take my rest today because tomorrow will be a long first day at work again. Slowly I feel the workstress increasing and I must make sure that this doesn't lead to fantasies, masturbation or porn watching.

    Tomorrow evening and Friday eveming will be most challenging. I will turn off my phone at 7PM both days and go to bed early, at least not later than my wife . . .
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  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    20 min before turning off my phone. First day at work was good. Most of the stress is gone.

    I am now at day 12 of no-arousal and I start to feel more stable mentally. My mind is getting clearer and I have longer eye-contact with people. I feel more respected, or just more confident. Must keep going this path, there's so much of the good stuff coming from now on.
  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Gil - you are doing great! It's truly wonderful to hear you are experiencing such strong positive feelings in your life.

    Keep up the strong fight! It will only get better!
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  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @path-forward

    19:20, turning off my phone. Had a really difficult meeting today, discussing a conflict in the workplace. Left me super angry. Chose the healthy way to deal with it: spoke to a trusted collaegue for an hour about it, spoke with my wife and did an intense work-out. . . . Now I don't need to PMO to relieve the tension :cool:
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    17:50 going to turn off my phone

    Still a lot of anger inside about my colleague and the meeting we had yesterday. Got to keep leaning in to these feelings. It feels as if they are part of my recovery and I have to face them and break through them
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  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Really bad night, lots of waking up. It is realted to conflict at work, general work-stress and maybe even the recovery process.

    The last half year I have watched porn maybe once in the 2 - 3 weeks, but I think I masturbated to fantasy (mostly without O) on average 5 times a week. It kind of went in cycles: couple of days of abstinence, some fantasies here and there, bit of masturbation in the mix, several days of fantasy-masturbation, and then when the barrel is really full, a full blown PMO session. It might not be as bad as bingeing on porn every day, but it is detrimental to my health anyway. So, now I have to recover from this and htis os coming with a lot of pain. I will look for the pain, embrace it and stay with it until it is gone. The time is now
  17. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Honest share with a lot of accurate information about your situation as far as PMO addiction. I think it's a great sign that you're still pursing healing from P honestly and earnestly. Good job.

    I haven't read your journal enough to know what advice to give you. Is work really stressful? I'm feeling like you are prevented from working real hard on PMO due to some severe distraction.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @nuclpow! I don't think my work is that stressful per se, but it is more the kind of character I am (sensitive) and the way I deal with things. Some periods are better then others. At this moment several things are coming together: starting work after holidays, a conflict with a colleague and some difficulties balancing work and busy family life (and kids starting school again). I have good hopes for the nearby future for a bit more balance.

    Nonetheless I am fighting back hard, figuratively and literally. Yesterday I went to a martial arts class and I really enjoyed it. Intense physical activity with a large group of guys. Also had some really nice conversations afterwards. I think I should keep this up. It feels good to have more masculin energy and interaction in my life.

    Today I am at day 17 of my no-arousal reboot. I feel some small urges bubbling up. Got to keep them small. Day by day; no acting out today: no fantasies, no ogling, no P-subs, no M
  19. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    The fact that you are not giving up is to be commended. Also think it’s a positive that you’re watching much less P than before. Keep going.
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The urges have disappeared again. Got to keep in mind that that is possible, that urges don't mean a sooner or later inevitable relapse. I do feel something is missing though. A bit of an empty feeling. But I also feel more stable, more calm, more in control.

    Thanks @LonelyCaz

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