On a mission to become authentic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I PMOed last night. In the afternoon I already knew I was goig to do it and I didnt take any measures to stop that line of thinking.

    I got many excuses, but in the last 2 months I was able to stay clean under worse circumstances. Got to get back on track.

    Also I spend too much time on my phone. It is an addiction on itself that makes me feel bad.
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2023
  2. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Being honest with yourself is always a big step in getting back on track.

    you got this! Keep fighting.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks a lot @path-forward!

    Strong urges now again. Got to get through this wall. It is better on the other side
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    It really is!
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The last weeks were tough, but I feel like I am breathing again. Somehow I got overwhelmed by things after getting back from the holidays.

    I found my balance again and now Ihhave to keep it. I need to stay proactive, because I think I could have seen this coming, including my relapse.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, when that sense of inevitability comes on, it takes real effort to let it go and not follow through on it. Been there, man. Let's stay on the right track!
    Gil79, Rudolf Geyse and path-forward like this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @Gil79 I can relate to the stress and feelings of overload, as you know. Well done for surfing it out. I'm also trying to get back to balance and I think I'm doing ok. I have a ways to go though. Strength with you new week ahead.
    Mozenjo and Gil79 like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Okay, so I didn't keep my balance. The same evening after my last post I PMOed. For a minute I even thought about opening a bottle of wine with it. I think that after a long day of work, travelling and social interaction, when it was finally time to go to bed I got confronted with uncomfortable feelings that I didnt dare to face.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, the wine would probably have made things worse. I drank too much last night, and though I haven't peeked, my fuzzy head is fighting urges now. Yes, uncomfortable feelings about life's stresses definitely prompt a desire to escape from them. Go for the healthy activities. Move around. Exercise. Do whatever puts you in a better frame of mind. Easier said than done, but there's one thing that won't help. So let's not do that one.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have been 2 days clean of porn now, but not of fantasy. I find it difficult to get into the right mindset. Even though I had a great day yesterday, I was still entering that world of fantasy to escape from whatever I am afraid of
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What do you think you're afraid of?
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In this particular case I think I was afraid of 2 things: not being socially accepted and the beginning of another work week

    I live with my family in a bit of a rural area where we're both not from. My wife is also from another country in Europe. We do have some social contacts, but we both still feel as outsiders. That day we met some people from our village and had a nice time with them. But then somehow always thoughts pop up that I am not good enough for them and that we/I will be rejected at some point. This is very irrational, I guess a childhood hurt, but these feelings always keep coming back. Probably also because I have been fapping those feelings away my whole life and I need to confront them.

    And the start of the work week with many things in my agenda I was looking up to. Got most of them done by now and it is really not a big of a deal. Not sure why I get scared of that.

    I need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is okay and part of life. Lean in, don't run and hide
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I don't know if there's a term "outsider syndrome," but it seems to be a prevalent feeling. I guess imposter syndrome could be tied together with it. It's why many people who are sensitive gravitate to large centers, because there they can be anonymous among the throng. I never felt part of the town in which I grew up in and couldn't wait to get the hell out when I graduated from high school. I don't think we ever get rid of these feelings. However, now that I'm an older dude, I really don't care what other people are doing or thinking. If your wife and kids are happy then you probably live in a decent place.

    The discomfort always comes from an internal struggle...I guess that's obvious. lol And, what I like about discomfort is that it can be a motivating force - it means we haven't given up. :)
    path-forward, Gil79 and Mozenjo like this.
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I think many of us can relate to this. Fear of rejection and a sense that we're not good enough. As for the work thing, there's no avoiding it - as you rightly pointed out uncomfortable feelings are a part of life. We need to start questioning our irrational beliefs.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Have had some good days again, without acting out (FPM), daily sports and daily meditation. I notice especially the difference that meditation makes: it just gives me that extra seconds to make the right decision in a difficult moment; how I respond to the kids, how I deal with discomfort and how I tackle work. Two nights this week I woke up in the middle of the night and just stayed with the difficult feeling (anxiety, anger, frustration). It was not that bad and it helped me to place those feelings in perpsective, to give them space.

    Today is going to be a long day, with a lot of social interaction and travelling. When I come home tonight I will be tired and overwhelmed by a the impressions. I must make sure to acknowledge those feelings, give them space and take rest. If I let myself calm down and have a good night sleep, I will have a way better weekend than if I act out.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Stayed clean on Friday night. How I did it? I fell asleep at 8:30 PM :D
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Whatever works, man!
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had to stay in a hotel for work last night. Did not have a plan this time, also drank 2 beers with diner. Bad recipe, bad decision, PMO

    I could have seen it coming and I could have easily managed to stay clean.
  20. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Hey Gil79 I know exactly what you mean. :confused:
    I've done the same thing more times than I can count.
    I watch how you get up and keep pushing. I know we have our ups and downs but I'm proud of you continuing to stay in the fight
    path-forward, Saville and Gil79 like this.

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