On a mission to become authentic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Great news man. So important to reconnect with the healthy side of your sexuality. It’s also normal and human to be attracted to the opposite sex. I try not to push it down too much. I just acknowledge that it’s there and let it move on. Sometimes the more we try to push it out of our mind, the more it becomes repressed. Fantasy’s are just that. Illusions. The real thing is always the best.

    Great to hear Mrs Gil is getting the benefits of your reboot!

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  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Very much in an addicted mindset. Yesterday I opened an account on a chat-site. It was very clear that all women's accounts there were fake, so I cancelled again. Checked some porn before going to bed. This morning I felt really good, but when I had to start working I started checking porn instead. Took a trial subscription to a pornsite and cancelled right away, which is super complicated ofcourse. Honestly the only reason I am not PMO-ing is that I don't want to have brainfog later today or tomorrow. Somehow my long-term motivation to do this is just gone. I don't see it. I hope it will come back.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In the end I PMOed in broad daylight. Honestly it felt like a relieve, because the suspense/addiction/dopamine state-of-mind was gone. Ofcourse I also felt regret, not so much because of the PMO-ing, but because of actively engaging into this addictive mindset with sexual fantasies. I went downstairs and did a leg workout. After that I had a cold shower and picked up the kids from school . Felt good afterwards, but later some fantasies came back. I could surf the urges well. Feeling quite OK still today.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The problem with PMO is it is never enough. It never truly gives release. When I have PMO'd I always want to PMO almost immediately after, even though my dick's dead. On the other hand, after making love with my wife, I feel like taking a nap. Yes, there is the chaser-effect a bit later on, but that is most often related back to P.
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  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    PMOed again. I feel out of control. Haven't been this bad for years I think. After PMOing at 11AM at least I went for a run, did a work-out and had a cold shower. Feeling a bit better now. I am not sure why I am fantasizing and PMO-ing so much lately. Obviously I am avoiding things: e.g. work, family shit, planning the future. Probably it is all of these. But I should face those things and accept the feelings of insecurity that comes with it. Others can do it, so I should be able to do it too.

    What can I do now to get out of this rut? In order of priority:
    - stay patient and keep loving myself
    - ask myself how I am feeling in the morning, afternoon and evening and decide to accept those feelings for what they are, especially if it is stuff I can't change (right now)
    - do a short breathing exercise in the morning, afternoon and evening every day
    - Keep going with my running and work-out schedule
    - Stop procrastinating and just do my work: set timer for 20 minutes work and 10 minutes relaxation

    You're right @Saville, I have remained in my 'addicted state' since the last PMO. I have to learn to end it, no matter where I am in the cycle . . . pff, this stuff can be difficult
  6. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    My relapses sometimes were a one-off, and sometimes a multi-day binge. I don't really know why. When it was multiple days, I remember it being a struggle but important to somehow keep some hope alive, hold onto some tiny piece of sobriety and truth. Often that was just reading the journals here, or even posting what was happening even though it was dark, terrible and not uplifting to others. Even knowing that I wasn't ready to give it up again and would PMO again after coming here. It was illogical, but it helped because even though I didn't want to stop, I knew that I would someday soon and I'd have a starting point.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for your message @realness. That is very supporting. It is so difficult to write about being in a cycle of relapse, especially as you wrote, when you don't know if you can stop soon. I am happy I did write about it, despite the regret and shame.

    Yesterday in the afternoon I did another workout. I am in a good cycle with that and it is nice to have something in which I am really progressing fast. I get a lot of satisfaction from that. I hope that my knee will get better soon and I can go for longer runs. Today I am feeling good. Happy and motivated. Got a lot of work done already and it is only 930 AM.
    Saville, NewStart19 and realness like this.
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    There’s a really strong chaser effect. One of the things that happens to addicts of other drugs, alcohol etc. is that when they relapse, they go right back to the dose that they used before. But this can actually kill them. Their bodies have detoxed so much it can cause serious harm. Recover is actually more dangerous than the addiction in some cases. Because of the risk of major heart failure.

    although what we are dealing with is not as life threatening as those chemical addictions, I do think something similar happens when you relapse. You kinda go back to PMOing and it’s like your ODing. Way more than you did in the past. You also start taking greater risks to heighten the thrill.

    The fact you are still here is a great sign. If you know my journey, you know I’ve slipped many times. The important thing is to get back up and stay in the fight. My advise would be take each day one at a time and set short goals. 2 Days, 5 Days, 1 week etc.

    Good luck my friend,
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Been able to get some distance from acting out again. Day 1 and day 2 were really good. Day 3 (yesterday) I felt really bad, and I think this was PMO related. Last night (this morning I woke up 3:30 AM and couldn't sleep anymore. I was very much tempted to fantasize, but right away I felt where this would lead to and how it would make me feel in the end. I chose to feel shitty so I could feel better on the long run. Today I feeling quite well.

    Thanks for your support @Professor Chaos, it is so weird that last year I was doing so well and slowly I got back into acting out more and more. To me it is also a sign that I really have some healing to do on other fronts. I am still going for complete victory! :cool:
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  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    and you will get there. :)

    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I felt a lot of anger this morning. Actually also last night I woke up at 3 AM, just being super angry. It is the kind of aggression that I want to break stuff and yell. This AM getting the kids ready and bring them to school was very challenging. I manage to stay calm with them and they can easily melt my heart, but the anger is still there on the background and it is consuming me. Partly this may be family-related anger, but I think it is also just because there's hardly time to relax. Yesterday I went for a run, but still don't really dare to go sprinting or anything, afraid of my knee injury. I am progressing a lot with the physiotherapist, so hoping things will become better soon and I can use running again to blow off steam. Did a back- and arm workout though this morning, and that was quite OK.

    No fantasies, masturbation or porn so far. Had some tiny urges, but the miserable feeling of my last relapses are still fresh in my mind, so not very tempted to go that way for now.
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Gil good to hear that things are heading in the right direction again. The waking up at 3.00am thing is something that affects me too. I find it a particularly difficult time to keep fanatasies out of my brain partially because of boredom. These days if the fantasies wont stop rather than looking at something dodgy I go on the website and read everybody's latest posts it really helps. Hang in there!
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  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had a great night sleep and woke up energized. Bringing the kids to school and seeing some hot moms really initiated sexual thoughts and urges to fantasize though. Still got a good feeling to where that will lead to and how that would make me feel ultimately. Those fantasies and thoughts are really part of my unbalanced brain reward system and I must stay aware of that. As I am feeling good now I need to focus on my goals and not be distracted by this stuff. Note to self: keep pushing forward!

    Thanks @Old Tom Bombadil!
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was at yoga not long ago and I found myself checking out the woman who was nearby. She was so fresh looking, so curvy in all the right places. I thought to myself "this woman didn't come to yoga so she could be ogled by you." That thought was immediately replaced by "No, I'm doing a disservice to myself." I go to yoga because it makes me feel better within myself. We always must bring ourselves back to ourselves. By reframing the situation I completely forgot about that woman and concentrated on what was most beneficial to me.

    Yes, keep pushing forward. :)
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night I woke up again at 3AM, angry. I kept trying to sleep, but couldn't. Turned to sexual fantasies for 5 to 10 minutes and then decided it would be better to go downstairs and start the day with a cup of coffee. Felt quite bad this morning, but after a work-out just now things are better. I hate this so much: Trying to recover from my last PMO sessions leads to a lot of extra anger, discomfort and sleeplessness and in turn those are huge triggers to start acting out again. Break the cycle!

    On a more positive note, I started an accountability partnership with someone from the board. I think this already helped me to not act out this morning.

    I think that what you're saying is very important. We really do this for ourselves. I recently read something interesting: 'you're not in the world, but the world is in you'. First I thought, yeah right, but it does make a lot of sense. Everything we experience is actually a subjective extraction of all the information that enters through our senses. It is all our own creation and we can influence that.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is why 90 days PMO free is seen as the gold standard. It takes at least that long to get on an even keel. After I'd been clean a year I finally felt like myself. After faltering last year I'm still trying to recoup the mental balance I had established.

    I'm glad your accountability partner is already helping. Awesome!
  17. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I like that statement. I feel it only confirms that porn is not information we want influencing our senses or our view of reality.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Doing well. My accountability partner really helped me to push through some difficult days and now I feel a bit more safe again. I really notice how my smartphone is also a problem on itself for me. First thing in the morning I ususally want is a coffee and scrolling on that devilish device. It is just a way to increase my stress and anxiety. The things I see there (whatsapp conversation of family members, the news, etc.) just makes me feel bad. besides it strongly conflict with giving my kids the attention they need. That is a lot, and I need time form myself, but there are better ways. That whole conflict (kids attention/ smart phone) brings even more stress. So, Sunday night I turned it off and I left it off the whole morning. Only checked it (and my laptop to do some work) at noon for 30 minutes and the same in the evening for 30 minutes. I put some books in the living room and when I wanted to do something for myself I just picked up a book. There's less conflict with the kids, as they are not interested in the book and I am still more aware of my environment and it is easier to put away. Also the contents is positive. This morning I left the phone in the kitchen and I want this to become a habit.

    I will spend a bit less time here as well, but will check in once a week or so.
  19. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Great post gil! My kids constantly want to use my phone when they see me on it. And scrolling social media just heightens a lot of negative emotions, especially in this season if anxiety and discontent that I've found myself in the last few weeks. Thanks for helping me to see something I didn't notice
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Doing quite well. For the first time since quite a while I have gained a bit of distance from the addiction. It has less power on me (for now) and that feels as a relieve. Also the worst withdrawal symptoms (anger) are gone. Really have to make sure I do not initiate fantasies. They only lead to one thing . . . .

    Thanks @realness, I hope you're also able to cut down on your smartphone use. I notice it is easy to fall back into that habit as well, but it is totally worth it to keep putting it away.

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