On a mission to become authentic

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey guys, last month I turned 40 and decided to start a new journal here in the 40s section. I have been around on YBR since 2012 and since then my porn and masturbation habits significantly decreased and the quality of my life drastically improved. The last couple of years I am really doing well and especially 2018 was a year of little acting out, good confidence and general well-being. I am healthy, married to a great wife, have a son of 3, some good relatives, some good friends, live in a beautiful place and have a job I really enjoy.

    Since my last post in the 30s section a couple of weeks ago though (and where I wrote how my life changed and that I would never go back to frequent [P]MO), things went downhill a bit. I got really stressed and started watching porn and masturbating more regularly. The last 2 weeks almost every day. I didn't get some negative consequences that I expected, such as increased anxiety or brainfog, but started suffering from other things that I didn't experience since I quit acting out: pale face, dandruff, red-rimmed eyes, obsessive angry thoughts with (female) co-workers and haemorrhoids. Last night I didn't act out. I felt the need to, but I reached a point that I realize that I can't go back to that state of being.

    There are 2 major stressors in my life at the moment, being my relationship with my father and my wife is pregnant and we're expecting twins really soon now.

    My father was an alcoholic and absent for a large part of my life. When I was in my 20s, he quit drinking and slowly we started seeing eachother again. The past was left unspoken, but that was OK. Recently he got a stroke though and my sister and me we were there all the time helping him out. It was a very intense period with very intense interaction with my father. I saw things of him, character-wise, which I didn't know. I also saw a stubbornness and selfishness in him, which I knew was there, but which I have ignored all these years to make a relationship with him possible. Since this happened in December/ January (he recovered well), I have not been able to talk to him anymore. I feel so much anger. I have sleepless nights because of it. I am not sure how to deal with this. I realize that it would have given me a lot of peace of mind if he would have passed away. I don't know how to proceed with this. Will definitely write more on this here.

    And then the twins. When I heard we were going to have twins, I was so happy. It feels like such a great gift and I feel very proud. Now things are getting closer though. It is a matter of weeks before they will be born and I also feel a bit anxious. Anxious for the delivery. Will everything go well. Anxious for what's to come then. Will the babies do fine. Will we be able to handle it. On the one hand I trust in the process and that I will be able to handle it. On the other hand I remember the sleep deprivation we had with the first one..... and now there are going to be 2, with a 3-year old around! I am not a very patient person. I get angry easily. How will I manage? I feel like I am going into a cave and I don't know how long it is and what will be on the other side. I will manage. I am sure. It is just this moment of waiting and wondering.

    Thanks for reading. I am doing well. I just need to get the health train going again and this place is the place to start...… continue……. a big thanks to the people who keep this site going btw!
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Welcome back! I'm sure you'll recover from that little detour.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'! When we reach our 40's we start to have that common, and very real, mid-life crisis. Some of what you're dealing with sounds like it stems from just getting older. We start to wonder "is this all there is to life?"

    You've done your best for you dad. You let him back in your life, you took care of him, and now you don't owe him anything. If he makes you feel angry than you curtail your relationship with him. You don't owe him anything. My mom used to make me feel low and lousy about myself. I limited how much I talked to her and saw her and this worked out pretty well. We can love our parents, but we don't have to condone their behaviour. Anger is something that eats us up, as you know. Slow your mind down and get ready for the two miracles that are going to born. :) Babies know what to do and they are going to be just fine...you are too. Yes, you'll have sleepless nights, but you will have your cup over-filling with joy, as well. We don't choose our children, they choose us. Sounds like they chose a great dad!
    Wolf333 and Boxer17 like this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Went to bed at 9PM last night and slept quite good. No MO-ing. Feel a bit better now physically and motivated to fight my bad habits. Actually, besides (P)MO-ing, I have been taking care quite well of myself. Eating healthy and daily simple work-outs. Work stress still an issue though. Have to learn better to 'not care'.

    Thanks @Eternity. I am confident about that too. I do think that I will suffer some withdrawal symptoms though. Have had some quite intense sessions and a lot of occupation with sexual fantasies...…

    Thanks @Saville for your nice and helpful words. Getting into my 40s feels different indeed. I do feel very excited about the future, but it is certainly a new phase of my life I am getting into. I guess you're right about my dad, about not owing him anything. I think it's a good thing to take a bit more distance and wont let my mind go into angry or guilty thoughts. I will be the bigger man here.

  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is a biggie for everything. I've noticed lately that I feel a lot of things in my gut. This is just since I decided to watch my body for things such as hidden tension. Even when we think we're relaxed, we actually aren't. I think most, if not all, guys who come here suffer from being in constant flight or fight mode. The cortisol is turned on and we haven't found the switch yet to turn it off. In a sense, we're all Pavlov's dogs, but instead of salivating we are bracing for something awful.

    I used to pride myself on the fact that I could compartmentalize things. I was busy lying to my wife, but wasn't feeling any effect from it...or was I? Of course, I was! We've been stressed out since we were little gaffers. At 40 you are SO young and it is great time to really delve into all this stuff. :)
    Libertad, Caoimhín and Boxer17 like this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had a great night of sleep. My morningwood told me that my body is starting to recover from the weeks of daily (P)MO. Feel more and more motivated again to get my shit together. Priority is to take small steps and stay calm.

    @Saville: yeah, indeed we are somehow trained to be like that. I tried so many things already, but I keep building up tension. I love my job, but I am literally sweating like I'm running a marathon each day. I see colleagues of mine who don't give a shit about their job. I couldn't do that, but I should learn to care less. Seriously thinking of trying hypnotherapy or something similar for this.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Well said
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Or, care more about your own well-being. :) It really does come down to us keeping our eye on our own journey.
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Gave myself a present in the form of half an hour of breathing excersises this early morning. Kept having thoughts about work and kept bringing my focus back to tge breathing. Felt great whole day. Also did my 10min work-out, worked in tge garden with my son and got a haircut. So thankful for this day. Feel no need for acting out and feel a lot of inner strength to continue my health goals.

    @Saville: that's indeed better :):)
    Caoimhín, Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Awesome, that shows that instead of PMO, we can use the time wisely and feel genuinely good.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @Gilgamesh and @Saville I too learnt to compartmentalise and shut down. I am, in fact, very good at doing this... so much so that I have not the sweetest clue about how to retrain myself. What can guys like us do? Someone suggested something like yoga where the entire activity is focused on being in touch with your body and getting out of your head. I think that this is the way to go, ie learning how to reconnect with your body, your physical responses to trauma or even every day life. But how?
  12. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    It´s the same for me. I´m also searching for a way to connect with my inner self and become one or whole inside.
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  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Spend an evening in front of the TV last night and masturbated with fantasy a couple of times later in bed. Didnt O, but clearly I felt I needed to do something about my discomfort. I am going to start my health monitoring again. Starting now.

    Dominant emotional state: stress, anger
    Emotion-based behaviour: TV, masturbation, too much coffee
    Value based behaviour: 10 min work-out
    Mindful: 5% of time

    @Eternity: definitely. And its all in the little things that seem just trivial and we take for granted.

    @Caoimhín and @Libertad: I think we are already on our way in connecting with our inner self. I think it just is a long way. Everything helps: yoga, sports, meditation, socializing, mindfulness, just accepting ourselves. The key is to do just a little bit each day and keeping our goals in mind. When you look back, didn't you already come a long way? Aren't you already going into the right direction?
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  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Television is, in my mind, one of the most insidious forms of escapism. You feel like you are relaxing, but really, for many people, it is just a form of shutting down and tuning out. You often hear people say they "zoned out in front of the tv". It is good that you have this listed with you other forms of unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have given up television, but am aware that I have replaced it with social media and youtube.
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Yes, we as a society are replacing one form of escapism with different ones.
    Like we are on this Mad Carousel and can't get off.
    Libertad, Caoimhín and Saville like this.
  16. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    And as Einstein aid: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and overand expecting different results.
    Saville likes this.
  17. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Even if you're maybe going through a stressful time, reading through your first post here clearly shows that there's a lot in your life, that's gone very well.
    Your family, a job you're happy with, living in a nice place and most importantly - your health.

    I haven't been healthy for a long time now and I can tell you it is the most precious thing to have good health. Please appreciate it.
    I never noticed how precious it is, until it went away.

    You're doing great, I wish you the best.
    Boxer17, Mad Dog and Saville like this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Life is a bit hectic right now. Lot going on at work, tension with my father and still waiting for the twins to be born.....getting closer now. Been PMO-ing and MO-ing twice a week lately. Feeling quite OK though. Anxiety and stress, but I am dealing well with it (not hiding away). The (P)MO is a stress relieve valve here I guess. Wish I had more time and energy for journalling.

    Thanks @trapped7. And thanks for reminding about that. Not something to take for granted.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Give your twins (how beautiful!) a gift before they are born, Gil. PMO/MO'ing twice a week does not sound like you are dealing well, imo.

    There's always time. Write a line or two. It keeps your head in the game.
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
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  20. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    You have a lot to be grateful for.

    Instead of falling back into the easy trap of PMO-ing to manage your stress is there something else you could do? e.g. breathing exercises, meditation, reading up about how to better deal with anxiety etc? You do have some major stuff going on in your life at the moment (pregnant wife, problems with your father) but I think you'll feel a whole lot better in the long term if you focus on learning how to manage your emotions during stressful times. Easier said than done, I know, but surely worth it in the long run.
    Gil79 and Boxer17 like this.

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