I found this forum via yourbrainonporn.com, via a random link on Twitter. I visited YBOP out of curiosity. It hit me like a ton of bricks to say the least. It also made me smile as I read rebooting accounts — and even when I read the physical symptoms of a porn addiction. It was odd that I was happy to realize I was a porn addict, but devouring the information and testimonials on the site answered a lot of problems I've been struggling with for the past 5-10 years. So lets set the scene in this initial post. I never thought I had a problem with porn. Sure, I knew I was into it probably much more than others, but so what? I didn't look at it as "bad", I wasn't embarrassed about masturbation or even porn for that matter. I always assumed those who had an issue with porn were just embarrassed to admit it to others — "everybody does it". The past five years in my life have been awful on the inside, even if outwardly things were great for the most part — at least "on paper". I was unaware of what exactly clinical depression was until recently, and discovering it made me realize it was exactly what I was going through. Too self-sufficient to think I needed help, I never talked to a doctor. But its been very apparent that I suffer from clinical depression, and it has gotten worse and worse over the past five years. Coincidentally, I also started working for myself from home about 4 years ago. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about how great it was going to be to be able to jerk off anytime I wanted. Confusingly, my happiness diminished as my business and certain aspects of my external life got better. It was confusing and added to the hopelessness and depression I was dealing with. I was relatively compulsive in my habits. I had a (backed up, of course!) hard drive dedicated to porn. I cataloged it, edited movies down to my favorite scenes within scenes. Cataloged and rated videos and photos. Content-wise I never really escalated to anything different than what initially did it for me (another excuse as to why it wasn't a problem); it was more of an escalation in time, collection and time spent. And of course actually using it! Sometimes I'd spend hours collecting and organizing, and not even actually put it to its intended use! I tend to be a bit on the organization side of personality type, at least when it comes to my digital files (porn or otherwise). I knew I was escalating my habits, suspected it was a bit out of hand even, but it never really bothered me. Again, I just thought that as usual, I was just unashamed and was one who was willing to take things further than others, as in other areas of my life. But things weren't so great. I've been single for quite some time now. I was never good with women to begin with, but I had my share of experiences back in college and even dated for a bit. I would never in the past have considered myself socially isolated, always seemed to have a group of friends and interest from women to some degree. BUt things were slowing down in that area, and as I watched friends and siblings move on with their lives and starting families of their own, I was stagnating. My socializing lessened, I withdrew further. I grew more awkward in social situations (not that I was all that great prior, but never this bad). I had attributed it all to me just "playing a role" in the past and trying to fit in. I told myself I was just being the "real me" now, and I was just more introverted and socially awkward than I realized. I was just no longer faking it. Still, it seemed odd to me. I would indeed retreat to the world of FAP to get a jolt of escapism, then proceed to ease back into my life of minimum ambition, zero motivation and lessening happiness with everything and everyone around me. The depression worsened, and the episode frequency increased. I tried vitamins and supplements like omega-3, vitamin D and tons more. I quit smoking after 20 years of the habit. I started walking every day and exercising. I started daily mindfulness meditation. The depression eased for a bit, but always returned. There were times the depression would be so bad I'd have no libido for days, still I'd be cataloging my collection or adding to it. I'd even force myself to jerk off just to get the temporary rush. When I stumbled on to YBOP last week, it was like a flash of inspiration. I realized I had most of the symptoms, and some I'd not even realized I had — blaming it on my "true" personality coming out as I "matured" and stopped trying to fit in. And being a left-brained skeptical, cynical rationalist, the information on YBOP was just what I needed. A physiological explanation as to what was going on. Learning about the biology of the addiction and how it was warping my life and my mind was the kick in the pants I needed. Immediately I locked up the porn hard drive (I know, I know…) and set myself on the No FAP 90 day challenge popularized on Reddit. I realized that despite my intellectual indifference to porn, there was a biological factor I had never even considered. Reading about porn ED was the wake up call. I'd basically given up on pursuing and even avoided getting involved with women after a few experiences years ago where I was not up for the task with some attractive, interested women. It was too embarrassing to go through again. I decided I'd rather go without than go through that with anyone else. Looking back I realize this only served to fuel the porn and masturbation intensity levels. I had blamed myself, my personality, my mind, my upbringing, my past, my insecurities. I blamed everything but the porn. I don't know if eliminating this addiction will cure any of the issues above. But just as I quit smoking to try and narrow down or eliminate the cause of this unknown suffering and degradation in my life, I knew immediately after just a few minutes on YBOP that I had to do the 90 day challenge. I had to find out. I had to at the least eliminate it as a culprit. I'm starting this journal on Day 6. I've been keeping a personal journal with any noteworthy experiences, and will probably post the best ones here. I can say that so far my house is a LOT cleaner that it has been before starting the 90 day challenge!