Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Half of those days when you didn't lick Arsenium were detoxing days, so good in my book. I tell this to another relative I'm helping with another kind of addiction.

    At one time, though, we need to accept that such commitment is not enough to move us from "here" to "there". Rewiring is a much bigger commitment. (I know I'm not telling you anything new, but trying to motivate you to demand the next level from yourself. Especially if you've been at this one for some time.) So I'd try to at least improve the frequency of the good ones compared to the low ones. I say this as a guy that knows no other ways of doing things (and never did) but cold turkey.

    As for me, I'm brutal with myself; rather than petting myself on the back for small progress (when we are speaking about things of character, not learning new stuff, I ask myself): "And what do you expect now, praise for acting like at adult?".

    I'm rarely, if ever, as straightforward with others :D, unless they can take it - and always for their good. And never in the context of addiction.
     
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Well done, one day at the time. I did something similar from the start of the year and kept track of each relapse on an excel sheet without judging myself too much after the relapses. I started something similar with my finances and spending habits around five years back, to track each Dollar the Dave Ramsey style and it changed my view on spending and saving money completely. Only the fact of tracking it without judging ourselfes too much seems to help and change our views and habits over time.
    Take care and keep going. You are doing great!
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2021
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Nice AVI, man, on top of good advice.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Still clean which is cool. Thanks Libertad and CBB for wise and supportive comments. CBB I agree the cold turkey approach is the only way - any sort of peeking etc spells disaster and this porn shit is so bad for me/ us. Yes its time for the next level. I have achieved alot since joining this but its time to up my game. Had a pretty good weekend though there was some pretty heavy drinking with the missus on Saturday which is unusual for me.
    The drunker I got the more I fell into old unhealthy ways of thinking about her and sex which divorces feelings, kindness and what she actually wants from me wanting sex in an almost PMO way - if that makes any sense. Luckily I did not to verbalize what I was thinking or act on it so no hopefully harm done. Fell stronger and saner today I think its going to be a good week :). All best,
    Tom
    PS CBB what AVI stand for? I tried looking it up but none of the words abbreviated made much sense in relation YBR (my favourite was

    Aluminium Véranda Industrie).
     
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  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Haha! Don't ask me how "avatar" (your username picture) became "avi" (that last "i" will bother you to no end), but it's used for that.

    Besides that...I agree...lesser alcohol is always better than more :p. Especially if it affects your inter-marital dynamics. :)

    Anyway - good job, you're doing fine, my friend!
     
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  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks CBB for explaining the meaning of "avi". My ignorance shows my age and that I am what my eldest calls a "boomer" (as in Baby...). Clean three weeks today which is good. Best,
    Ol' Tom
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Good call on realizing you need to up your game despite being 3 weeks clean, can't allow ourselves to become complacent.

    Amusing to observe CBB explaining the meaning of AVI to OTB on YBR...so many acronyms, I almost lost track :D
     
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  8. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    PMO binges last Friday and yesterday which is really shit. Thinking about this today and in the weekend I came to what in hindsight is a rather obvious realisation that as a recovering porn addict my mixture of streaks and binges are similar to lots of other people on this site and that the road to recovery is really tough. If there are slips along the way it is not that surprising, but then what is important is to look forward and get back on the horse straight away and to also look at the triggers and see what can be done to side step them next time. Another obvious in hindsight realisation is that when I experience cravings a major part of them are not concious in the sense that I conciously wanted to experience them i.e. conciously thinking "wouldnt it be nice to have a craving right now", rather most craving come randomly from the brain chemistry of addiction. They just sort of drift into my concious. I hope that realising should make it easier to ignore them as so much random mental "noise".
     
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  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    This is an important point. Each time we slip we should to learn a lesson and reflect on how we might act differently next time we're faced with a similar trigger. I know what you mean about cravings seemingly appearing out of the blue - from the depths of our subconscious programming. And as we repeat them over time they become ingrained, almost automatic. Being able to recognise them for what they are is a good step. If we can learn those 'automatic' behaviours it means our brains are also capable of learning new responses to this stimuli. Anyway, sorry if I rambled, stay focused OTB, back on the horse.
     
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well almost at the end of October and it has been a mixed month. Crashed from a three week streak in the middle then 3 episodes of PMO each with a few clean days between them and it looks likes finishing off the month with a few days clean. Still despite the ups and down the amount of dopamine release and spiralling back into full blown addiction could have been a lot worse. Looking forward I want this current streak to be a long one, and even though I know there are many pitfalls along the way, lets put it out there (however unlikely it might be) I WANT THIS STREAK TO BE THE LAST ONE!!!
     
  11. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Good/ great stuff - the streak continues and so far today I have not felt cravings etc.

    Bad stuff - I am feeling down because I am worried about my job. I may be unemployed in 7 months I wont know one way or another for about 4 weeks. The uncertainty is driving me crazy. There are other things going on with my family and stuff that also are bringing me down alot.
    Still to pinch @CleanBootsBaby! 's great quote as recently used by Rudolf Geyse "As bad as things are, I can always make 'em worse with PMO"
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    When we are on an airplane we have no control over how the flight's going to go. Worry as we might it won't change the nature of our trip. So, smile and be present. :)

    Also, have faith in yourself. From what I've read on these pages you are smart and insightful.
     
  13. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Some Yoda level words there Saville in the best way. The plane trip analogy is a good one. Best of luck Old Tom, I hope the situation becomes clearer so you can take action either way. The worst is the not knowing phase.
     
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  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thank you Saville and Woolomooki - you are both right. It really is just a matter of getting on with it. The not knowing bit is the worst but it is only a few weeks to wait now. Also the streak continues and I am sleeping better too - not 100% sure why - but its all good. Best,
    Tom
     
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  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Sorry, man. I am way too familiar with the "uncertainty".

    All I can tell you is that it's been 4 years and I'm still functional, LOL.

    Hope it'll get better sooner for you!
     
  16. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    17 days and still clean a few random cravings but nothing too serious. I tend to fall down when I start getting complacent so I better watch it.
    Thanks CleanBoots for kind comments. Four years - jeeeez, here I am getting in a tiz with the uncertainty being for less than 12 months!
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Congrats, man. You're killing it.

    We're ALL gonna make it! Manly hugs.
     
  18. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    A belatedly late thank you CBB for your kind and positive words. Am feeling bad that about the time of your message I had started a relapse that lasted three and a bit shameful days. Still counter reset, back on the horse and getting on with it - a bit downcast but I hope slightly wiser. The trigger was a single provocative image on banner advertising on an otherwise harmless blog about eco-friendly gardening! Sexualised imagery occurs in the most random of places on the net. I must ignore it when I accidentally see it, not do what I did, which was:
    1) search for the name of the woman concerned
    2) peek at other images of her, then others
    3) regress to a full-blown PMO binge.
    I had lots of opportunities to stop but did not and my family suffered the consequences . Predictably my behaviour, mood and personality changed for the worse during and immediately after the binge. Am feeling more normal now which is good but I cant get those days back...
     
  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Re-reading the message I wrote yesterday it struck me just how pathetic and sad my "porn research" steps look. When I was a positive young guy with a great future ahead of me I would never have thought I would have fallen so low in what should be my contented later years. I hate being an addict but that is what I am. I must remind myself of who I was, who I am and who I could be if I could get out of this mess.
     
  20. True Change

    True Change Member

    Tracking makes you more aware. Becoming more aware and conscious of your actions makes you a better human. It moves our actions from the 'autopilot' lizard brain to the higher, more developed pre-frontal cortex.
     
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