Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    a day without PMO is a successful day. like the layers of the onion, they add up. keep on trudging my brother, praying for you.
     
  2. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Badger for your supportive comments Badger. They really help.
     
  3. badger

    badger Active Member

    youre welcome. that's why we are all here. to help each get out of this filth. just one beggar showing another beggar where to find bread.
     
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  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn on Wednesday :)
     
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  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great. One day at the time and we can leave this shit further and further in the past and replace it with constructive habbits that will give us so much more in the present and future. Keep it up.
    You are doing great!
     
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  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Libertad!
     
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    This is a tricky one. Being in front a screen is part and parcel of living in the modern world. We wake up, check our phone screens, spend hours working in front of a screen and the spend our evenings watching big screen TV's. It recently occurred to me that the only time I'm not in front of a screen is when I'm showering, sleeping or working out. But ultimately, what we choose to look at on those screens is up to us, it's always a choice.
     
  8. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Forlorn thanks for your post. You are right about how screens dominate our lives but we still choose what we look at on them. Well I chose not to look at porn yesterday - Thursday - but had cravings and visualisations late last night and early this morning. How much of this is dopamine withdrawl or me just being dishonest with myself I am not sure. I will be away from screens most of the weekend so all I have to do is hang on during work hours today. I am setting things up so I don't fall down. This morning I will watch the Mark Queppet truthful self talk antidote to porn video again, and I have at my finger tips my folder of "positive distractions" - short positive fun things to do as an alternative to the P(eeking)PMO spiral. They are not work but if work gets to too much its better to do one of them than restart PPMO madness.
     
  9. badger

    badger Active Member

    good for you. you have a plan, the most important first step.
     
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  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Badger. I did not look at porn on Friday. I felt quite weird for a while in the afternoon and very wired and sleepless 3.30-5.30 this morning - like I had drunk 4 pints of coffee before - perhaps some of these altered states are due to dopamine withdrawl. Despite the short term progress with not succumbing to PMO I feel stuck in a rut and that I need to make some progress on some of the big negatives in my life that probably drive me to PMO in the first place...
     
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  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good plan. I stumbled across his Podcasts a while back. I do vaguely recall the lesson about self-talk and creating a dialogue with ourselves, I remember thinking it sounded like a valuable lesson (but I didn't put it into practice). Your post has served as a reminder that I should re-visit some of his content myself.
     
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the tip, guys. I'll check it out. Keep up the good work. And yes, Tom, working on cleaning up what drives us to PMO in the first place is key.
     
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  13. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Forlorn and Moz for your comments. For now my main emphasis is on staying clean each day. Bigger, more complicated tasks of sorting out what drives me to this rubbish must also begin. I am eligible for 10 free sessions of counselling via my work but am not sure this will help much. It seems just to be exploring feelings through talking etc which I worry may provide short term relief but not long term permanent improvement. I think one of the difficulties is finding someone with the right skills and experience to really help. I have read, for example, how people with very negative life experiences in fact have had things like ADHD, OCD, autism etc undiagnosed for years. I guess what I am looking for is some way of having myself assessed to rule out these sorts of issues as being behind my problems. NB I did not look at porn on Saturday, Sunday or Monday which is good but caught myself beginning to peek the last two nights (random sexualised images on banner advertising and Spotify). I am now almost out of week 2 and the PMO dopamine fog has largely cleared but is being replaced by a mixture of cravings (not too may so far) and randomly triggered bouts of anger and sharp depressions. Not good for family life to put it mildly. Mercifully these are mixed with some "up" moments!
     
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  14. badger

    badger Active Member

    OTB,
    2 WKS is a huge success. for a hardcore porn addict like me, one whole complete day without even a peek is a major accomplishment. good for you. keep at it. change, no matter what kind, is stressful. especially when we want to change some aspect of our body. homeostasis, the better minds call it. the body fights back with withdrawal symptoms telling you it wants to stay the same, whether the old is good or bad. anybody who has made a decision to embark on a new exercise regimen will attest to this. they will start running the first day, after about 2 minutes the body will sound alarms th at it is not used to this. the heart will start beating faster, the breath will come in short bursts, a hacking cough will ensue, sweat will start burning your eyes, etc. so we decide-i better stop this and get back on the couch. i just need to recognize the symptoms for what they are. roadblocks on my road to recovery from this filth. so like the badger i fight on. hang in there my brother.
     
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  15. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Long term porn use can mimic a lot of the symptomes of the so called "mental psychological states or boxes the psychologist put you in, labeled as ADHD, OCD etc. I would be very careful to accept such a diagnosis while using porn.
    As an example, going with high blood pressure to a doctor, most of them will diagnose you with a deficiency of blood pressure medication instead of maybe pointing out the diet or the overweight status of the patient or what ever the root cause for their high blood pressure may be. Just my two cents.
    Congrats on 14 days. You are doing great!
     
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Have you heard about the fellow trapped in a flood, Old Tom?

    This guy owns a house, and it begins to rain. The first floor begins to flood, so he climbs up the stairs to the second level. As the water rises, he yells out, "Dear God, please save me from this flood!". Just then, a guy in a canoe paddles just outside his second floor window, and asks him if we wants a lift to dry ground. The man inside the house says no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me. The guy in the canoe says "OK" and paddles on. The rain continues and the water rises. So the fellow in the house climbs up to the third level landing and yells out " Dear God, please save me from this flood!". Just then, a woman in a motor boat comes by and asks him if he wants to lift to dry ground. The man inside the house says no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me. The woman says "OK" and motors on. The rain continues and the water rises. The guy has to climb outside the third floor window and up the roof. The water rises. He's hugging the chimney and yells out "Dear God, please save me from this flood!" Just then a helicopter appears overhead. One of the crew yells out "do you want a lift to dry ground?". The fellow says no thanks, I'm waiting for God to save me. The chopper moves on. The rain continues, and the guy is swept away by the flood and drowns. Some time later, he appears at the pearly gates, and sees God at the entrance. He asks God "Why didn't you save me from that flood?". God says " I sent you a man in a canoe, a woman in a motorboat, and an entire rescue crew in a helicopter. What the hell else did you expect me to do?!?".
     
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  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good job, Tom, for staying 15 days clean. Keep walking the narrow path, my friend.
     
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  18. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Into 16th day of not looking at porn which is good but I keep catching myself having the beginning of mental slippages and not being as tough on these as I should be. Its hard to put into words but I am having these potentially dangerous sort of fuzzy somewhat depressed fatalistic feelings. Sort of a "Oh fuck it just a peek won't hurt" sort of thing. So far I am resisting and I must must must must continue to do so! Guys your positive comments really help in this fight. Libertad and NCBob your comments were very interesting and useful viz the counselling issue. All the best,
    Old Tom
     
  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Oh and one other thing. Just read right through my journal and tried counting the number of clean and PMO days since the start of the year and the result is sobering but also encouraging/ motorvating. Basically I have had more clean days (c. 160) than porn days (c 120). I have had three binges of which the ones at the start of the year and May - July were by far the worst. The amount of dirty days is depressing in a way but what is encouraging is that all the clean days when I was feeling depressed, stressed suffering cravings etc should be viewed as great days because I was well... clean. So today despite various random negatives is a great day because I am still clean. This motorvates me keep it that way!
     
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  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I tell myself that there's not a rat in this world that would cheerfully go into what it identified as a trap; so why would I? :) If I'm willing to do that, I'm either more stupid than a rat, or I still don't treat this thing with the seriousness it requires. Do I still need to hit rock bottom - and will I enjoy it - to realize that poison is poison, and not to be messed with?

    I know very well that, day after day, a little peek, followed by a somewhat longer peek then...they've all spelled disaster for me. I've been like, what? - twice, thrice in my life, after flirting with these things - able to pull myself out of that situation? "Lord, have mercy!" but i'm positive He'd tell me I'm the one not showing mercy towards myself :|.

    Sometimes, I kid you not, instead of letting myself go, I tried to put myself into the miserable state of mind of "as if I had done it"; a kind of a false fast-forward if you will...and it saved me, LOL. And you know what? It still felt better than had I done it.
     
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