Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well got to 40 days which I am really pleased and.... (I find it hard to type this due to old hangups and low self esteem) f#*cking PROUD about. As True Change says above the cravings are certainly less than day 4 (when the dopamine withdrawl was so tough that I felt almost like I had taken drugs or something) but as it happens I had some serious cravings late yesterday this morning. Unpicking this helps me resist them. Yesterday was not standard I ended up shopping in a big town rather than the usual small local thing. It was very hot and there were on various occasions beautiful women walked by in their summer clothes I tried not to look but my visual brain took perverted "snap shots" (the dopamine monster and old behaviours kicking in) - VERY gross and VERY uncool especially as I am a father and a husband - I do not want to be that sad pervy old bloke. I am better than that. Badger this fits with what you said above about deciding what you want to be and being vigilant in your thoughts and actions. As an aside I have been checking on how things have been going for you off and on for a while and I very impressed - 114 days is an amazing total. CleanBoots and Saville thanks for your positive comments concerning my fingers and toes blocking strategy I certainly had to use it this morning! All best,
    Tom
     
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  2. badger

    badger Active Member

    OTB,
    as for me, yes i'm proud of my days clean. but it is still about today. what am i going to do today to not even peek. i can sit in a garage for 114 days but that does not make me a car. i am not perfect by far. am not a pessimist. i still have strong cravings. still have PIED. but i keep trudging. i am an old fart trying to make the best of the years i have left. i know i can never make up for all the hurt i cause my family, due to my drinking, but today i have a chance to be decent. to be there for them. i have found there is nothing more important than family. i get up every morning and ask myself, what can i do today to show love to everyone i encounter. i review of what i did yesterday that left a bad taste in my mouth, that made me think of escaping to porn. then vow not to do it today. sometimes i am successful, not always. working on it. like a badger fighting this filthy demon till the end. enough of my ramblings. congrats on 40 days, that is a huge mile stone. as we used to say in the old days " keep on trucking"
     
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  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Fell down on Friday, then two days clean and another relapse today. Damn! It was all going so well. Usual causes complacency because the streak was lengthening.,work stress and family stress, a few visualisations not properly blocked, lack of sleep (probably due to stress), random triggers, then an "oh fuck it" moment when work was going very badly then peeking then PMO. I know I need to get back on that horse right now before too much dopamine fogs my brain and makes it even more difficult...
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep at it, Tom. Eventually the body and mind become a unit and PMO drifts into the past.
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Tom, I know the pattern well. There's an old saying in my addiction workbook: "A slave cannot serve two masters". We need to serve the one who helps us get where we want to be.
    Yes, let's keep at it. We will get there.
     
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  6. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    There you go Tom ! The answer !
     
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  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    "No matter how bad things are, I can make them worse by PMOing." (said a wise man I admire a ton, known as "CleanBootsBaby!")

    Saw your counter @0 on a post of yours in my thread, so I decided to come visit the dusty old ass section of the forum you dusty old ass guys inhabit, armed with a spatula to gently turn you on the other side - from face down in tears to clear eyes up, looking at the stars with hope and resolution. "Per aspera ad astra", boyo!

    Please appreciate the sacrifice. I still have a few months til you'll have me as a neighbor, so this was pretty difficult for me, contemplating my own mortality...sigh...:D
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2021
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  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    OTB,
    it all starts with just one small peek for me. it's like stepping off a cliff. one step is all it takes. then it's nothing but down. also there are triggers everywhere. i used to go to walmart just to look at the hot mamas. stress, work, worry they are all excuses. may be true but still excuses for me to pmo. i rationalize and give myself permission to fuck up. i say well since so and so did me wrong or so and so happened or i worked so hard today, or, etc. I deserve just one peek. then i'm gone again. not blaming because this is what i do. i try and stay busy away from my computer unless i have to. and when i start making excuses, i see them for what they are-i just want to escape into my filthy fantasy. hang in there my friend. i have been starting and stopping for years. a peek may take a few seconds or minutes but it lasts years on the brain. don't quit before the miracle.
     
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  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Wait! Granted, I visited the US only a few times but...really? Were there any hot mamas in Walmarts? :| I had the opposite idea...

    Ha! Imagine all that time lost at Trader Joe's...:D :D

    This was too good to pass on, trying to cheer up @Old Tom Bombadil !
     
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks everybody your positive comments are REALLY appreciated. They really help. Clean agan yesterday which feels good and today looks to be going OK too. All best,
    Tom
    PS CBB thanks for visiting the dusty old blokes section. Your spatula, latin and general vibe put a smile of my wrinkled leathery old face!
     
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  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hahaha, good to hear, young man, good to hear!!
     
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  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well since my last post I have mostly been stuck in a quagmire of self-induced PMOs and dopamine hazes, outbursts, depressions etc. Yesterday got back on the horse - the first day is always the most difficult - but can say (with the beginning of pride and satisfaction) I did not look at porn that day. Probably I will be able to say the same today too as I have to work for a couple more hours then I will be away from screens for the rest of the day. Thinking what I am going to do to make this streak successful I will do what I did last time and be on YoBrRebal loads. So there will be a daily updates (mostly for my benefit) for a while. All best,
    Tom
     
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  13. badger

    badger Active Member

    hang in there my friend,
    i like to think about what comes after my relapse. you said it-dopamine hazes, outburst, depression. then i say is 30 seconds of pleasure worth all that pain? not always successful but like the badger i keep fighting until death. it's all about today. what can i do today INSTEAD of PMO?. for me does not get any easier. the inroads in my brain are very deep after decades of abuse. how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. another of my old man ramblings. keep trudging, praying for you.
     
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  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Badger thank you! As always you say wise things I especially liked the elephant eating analogy. I did not look at porn on Thursday. I have six more hours work screen time to get through before I know I have not looked at porn today. I going to tick each and every hour and beat this demon again today! All best,
    Old Tom
     
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  15. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn on Friday :)
     
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  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    good for you. keep at it. just for today.
     
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  17. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn on Saturday or Sunday. This was pretty easy as this was away from screens and ultra busy with family things. Today will be more difficult as am alone and in front of screens for five hours home working. To help I have made a table which blocks the time into hours and I will tick off each one as the day progesses. I also have the excellent Mark Queppet video on truthful self talk lined up and ready to go if things get difficult.
    https://universalman.com/truthful-self-talk-the-antidote-to-porn-addiction/
    The last two weeks its been porn Monday but NOT TODAY!
    NB I find this video reading a comment by BoughtwithBlood on NewwatNewLife's pst: https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...s-time-im-gonna-win.118084/page-4#post-722249 Thanks loads BwB!
     
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  18. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn on Monday -yayyyyyyy!
     
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  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    PS I love the surge of energy and positivity you get as the number of days clean begins to grow.
    PPS Working at home alone and not acting out is such a buzz!
     
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  20. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn in Tuesday
     
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