Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    OTB,
    first of all 85 days is a damn good streak. takes a lot to string that many days clean together, congratulations. I struggle with intimacy. maybe due to my addictions. the feeling of low self esteem, worthlessness, shame and my "secret". all due to my indulgence in porn. i believe my wife can be my best friend. but that takes vulnerability on my part. with my hiding my addiction, it affects everything else in my life, including my marriage and intimacy. porn addiction is a very lonely activity. it is the ultimate act of selfishness. i believe where there is such selfishness, especially due to a filthy demeaning activity like porn-there is self-hatred. there is no love. i can not give what i don't have. my 2 cents worth.
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Tom. I second what badger is saying: 85 days is amazing! If I might make a recommendation I would urge you to be more active on the board. Reading the journals of others, as well as commenting, can really help us sort through the maze of emotions. When I write on someone else's journal, like I'm doing now, I do it for me. Of course, I hope that my comments are useful, but in a way I'm telling myself something. This something reinforces the good inner voice.
     
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  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thank you Badger and Saville I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful comments. Have now reached my first goal which is 90 days clean. On a rational level I am really pleased on an emotional level less so. The cravings are far less now but the ugly unhappy mental tendencies, the rubbish way of viewing women and triggers are still there and given that for me porn is an addiction I guess they always will be to some extent. I need to start working on phase 2 which will be continuing no PMO, trying to be more human reaching out to others
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I like how phase two sounds!

    Time and space away from P allows the mind to find more beautiful things to view. The minds eye is a funny thing, isn't it? I've stood on a subway platform before and thought "what if I just jumped down in between the tracks?" Of course I would never do such a thing, and because I would never do such a thing the thought comes and goes, and I don't dwell on it as a bad thought or a good thought. I try to view (not actually view lol) P in that same light. Thoughts are going to pop up but they just come and go.

    Cheers on 91 days!
     
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  5. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Wow, I needed to read this as I am about to hit 90 days and have had similar thoughts on my recovery. Trying to be more human and reaching out to others is a great way to take the next step in recovery.
     
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  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Cali thanks for your kind words. They were very timely. I have been an idiot and did a single peek (the first one in months just one siliconed celebrity - fully clothed) and all the old cravings/feelings/dopamine rush etc came back. I was really worried that I would not be to resist bingeing that night but went on the forum read your message and felt loads better and stronger. THANK YOU! Still a bit all over the place and some dodgy dreams as well so I guess it will take time to regain some equilibrium. Intermittent depression (mostly job related) and sleeplessness. Have not got very far with phase 2 but will try to do at least one thing this week. Not sure if I should reset my counter as there was no M or O and not really P either but there was intent.What do you guys think?
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, do not reset. You're absolutely good!
     
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  8. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Urges can come from any number of places (e.g. TV or movie, attractive woman walking down the street), what counts is how we handle those urges and you handled it beautifully by coming to this forum. I would not reset your counter!
     
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  9. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Saville and Cali will leave counter as is - phew! :)
     
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  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Working on your 'Phase 2' sounds like a good idea. It could take many forms such as exploring your emotions, depression and fears, maybe trying to discover what prompted you to use porn as a coping method in the first place. You could also consider therapy if you haven't done so already.

    I heard something the other day in which a recovering porn addict suggested that guys like us will probably never be 'normal' again. From here on, we will always be recovering porn addicts. He suggested that recovery isn't a place that we ever reach - it's a direction that we take. He said we'll start to feel stuff more intensely, both good and bad. And that although it's difficult giving up something that we've come to rely on, it's totally worth it for the serenity we will feel.
     
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  11. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks very much for your thoughtful comments Forlorn. Do you know that it was one of your posts that led me to this life changing/saving forum back in the day? In a brief interval of sanity and self disgust between binges I was googling to find out about porn addiction and stumbled across one of your posts in December 2018 which hugely inspired me so I bookmarked the site! It then took me a long time to have the courage to sign up and start posting but I finally did it and my life has improved hugely as a result. So I owe you a huge THANK YOU!!!! On phase 2 I have now joined my local community facebook group and have offered to help out with some activities. I am going to try to keep my expectations measured and sensible and focus on increasing the number of accquaintences to begin with.
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "No man is an island." It is incredible the power of the collective when used for good. I think most men finding this place have felt utterly alone in their struggles. Yet, once joining find support in a myriad of ways.

    Staying measured in your approach is a great way to go, Tom.
     
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  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    That's nice to hear, OTB. I have found YBR to be a useful resource. I've learned lots from others here and continue to do so. As Saville has said, the support network is what helps us through these difficult times.
     
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  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    What a disaster. A few terrible days. Peeking Sunday night, porn Monday. PMO this morning. Have reset counter to zero. feeling very depressed. How to make it just a blip and not the reignition of endless disgusting addiction.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's just a blip. You had a great streak and now you'll start a new one. Be of good cheer, my friend. Together we can do great things!
     
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Our addict minds can be extremely defeatist after a slip. We tell ourselves we must be flawed if we don't do what we set out to achieve. But in truth, it's not about perfectionism. Nobody can be 100% all the time.

    What matters now is how you move forward - pick yourself up and learn from the slip. Keep striving for improvement and building resilience.
     
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  17. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks all for kind comments. Well I have been way in PMO land since late May and today is the first day I have began to feel like I might be able to return to my former good habits. More anon. Have tried to reset my counter to zero but its not displaying the change. Hopefully it will have reset by tmw. Best,
    Tom
     
  18. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Great (sort of) the counter is reset. One is a sobering number but its still a beginning. I realise now that leading up to my relapse the wheels had started to come off other elements of my life again largely due to work stress and major job insecurity. My blindness to these warning signs give an indication of how bad things had got. However, in the last three days I have had some random bits of good - contract extended by a couple of months, major obstacle to getting a work task done resolved, and another long standing bit of work (late by over 12 months!) finished. All of this lightens the mood. Yesterday for the first time in quite a while I felt myself getting back to the positive "lttle steps... little steps" mode of thinking I had at the start of the pandemic in 2020. This is to keep day to day expectations grounded but to think and act systematically on the various things that are nor right with me and the family. So yesterday I made some calls about long running things that needed sorting out. Helped move these things forward and made me feel better too. So time to take stock and rebuild again and get back to the idea that I should work less and live more, and spend more time on this website too.
     
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  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    First post in a few days that have been utterly hopeless P virtually every day and MO some. The beast has got me - I know what I need to do I just have been unable to do it. During the last streak I had of c. 100 days I forgot just how strong the physical side of this addiction can be. Its all seriously shit...
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, you're right. But, the P addiction has just one trick, and that's to lure in your dopamine centers. You WILL get on another streak and be the stronger for it.
     
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