Tom, for me, i believe these thoughts just appear in my brain, as you say, because they are ingrained for decades. it is automatic. it is a habit, albeit a filthy one, but a recurrent, constant habit. the first step to stop this addiction is to stop it here. to be aware of the thought and take positive action on it. have a plan before hand. a precise action. ex. when i have one of these thoughts i will pick up a book, go for a walk, exercise, cold shower. etc. anyway, that helps me. the problem is i don't always do it. there in lies the rub, how to always do it. working on it. hang in there.
Tom, from what I see you are doing really well. Cravings come and go and come and go. This is the nature of our minds to glom onto things. For sure you do, we all do. Low-level depression is debilitating in many ways. It's not bad enough for drugs, but still keeps one from feeling on top of things. Also, as a man ages and our testosterone drops, we are more prone to feeling powered down. You are absolutely doing the right thing to exercise. Since ditching booze and sugar my moods have equalized. I wouldn't say I'm dancing on the moon, but I feel more myself, more centered. Keep on truckin'!
Badger thanks very much for your great advice. I think your idea to have a strategy in place and what I will do BEFORE a craving or thoughts arrive is really great. I did that yesterday when this happened - 5 minutes on the rowing machine with some music I love kicked it in the teeth! All best, Tom
Thanks again Badger. This helping each other out thing is so great. Had a bit of a look online on strategies connected to dealing with cravings for drugs, alcohol and food this morning. Need to dig down into this much more so I have a range of things at my fingertips. Not much time to post today
Time for another journal entry. Am now up 42 days and getting close to halfway of my goal of 90 no porn days to really kick the dopamine dependence thing. Some other problems that create stress and the urge for porn have also lessened this week - I have had my first shot of covid vaccine and there has been some positive signs that I might not loose my job in the summer. Despite this cravings every day and especially at night but still successfully resisted so far. I could feel myself really slipping last night with fantasies and flashbacks to old porn obsessions during a long period of bored sleeplessness. So I turned on my phone and opened up the website and read the latest journal entries of you guys and felt much more in control. This is so important and helps me so much. Thank you all.
Usually I only write in my journal once a week but this week feels different. I am more all over the place in the last two days with some of the strongest urges to PMO for quite a while. The website and journal is a significant weapon in resisting so I am hoping this entry will help. I had sex for the first time in ages on Saturday which should be a v. happy positive thing but it wasn't and in the aftermath I have been getting loads of mixed feelings, porn flashbacks (its horrible how much of this crap is still in my head - I have a very visual memory) , and strong urges to PMO. Work is not going well either so far this week and I am way too dependant on that to help me stay on the straight and narrow. I must remind myself that I have been here before and got through it. The aftermath of a porn binge is so depressing and will only make the bad way I feel a million times worse. I MUST hang in there.
Good going OTB. Look to the future, as the world slowly emerges from this pandemic, things will start to get back to normal - you will be able to resume your regular swimming lessons which previously helped to keep the depression at bay. Do you have any other hobbies or interests you could pursue in the mean time? Maybe gardening or trying to paint with acrylics. Also, you've described yourself as a "lonely man" on a couple of occasions now. Pre-lockdown I joined a local tennis club, as well as being good exercise there was a social element to it which I found beneficial. Alternatively how about suggesting to your partner/family that you go out for walks together in your local area? Keep doing the things that were working for you previously - achieving goals of projects around the house and taking care of the family finances. Staying on top of all this will help to reduce stress.
Thanks v much Forlorn for kind words and good advice. You are right as things unlock stuff will get better. Feeling better/ calmer/ saner now.
some days this forum is the only thing that keeps me going. just enough to know that i am not alone on this very difficult journey. fantasies have always been a huge trigger for me. i try to play the whole tape through. not just the pleasure part but also the shame, regret, remorse and feeling downright despicable after one of these porn sessions. thank you for reminding me. pulling for you.
Badger Thanks for this it really help. Makes me feel less alone in fighting the monster. Playing the shitty, grim depressing bit at the end of the tape is wise advice indeed.
Hey, Tom, it's great that you had sex! Even though it brought up mixed feelings it is still a very important step on your road to recovery. There is no limit on PIV. I like what @badger said, too. Playing the tape through to the end is often enough to side step the urges. Focus on the positives, my friend.
Thanks very much Saville. Wise words as always. Couldn't have got through the last wobble without supportive comments of the forum. Thank you guys! Strangely things have calmed down P-temptation-wise since then. Very busy working - lots of stress which may explain why there is lots of strife with my partner right now, but despite all that feeling good in terms of porn resistance. Also I passed my sixty days porn free yesterday which is great. Two-thirds of the way towards my first goal of 90 days porn free to kick the dopamine monster into touch. Feels like I might make it but of course this is by no means certain. Lots to do after that of course for what I am going to call "Phase 2" t. I need to think about Phase 2. If the chemical dependance will hopefully be gone, the emotional crap that leads me to want to look at P will need to be addressed. Not sure even where to begin with that...
None of us are sure, Tom. Lucky for us we don't have to figure it all. There is an intuitive nature to this, that even a dummy like me can tune into. The longer we stay away from P the stronger we get. The stronger we get the clearer our thinking becomes. Our "natural" state is to know what to do and how to behave. I'm excited for you. Phase II is hard, but it's where the real gold is. Stay strong!
congrats OTB, i try to to do what is in front of me. the next right thing. not always successful but my goal. rooting for you.
Not posted for a while. Swimming pool reopened last week YAYYYYY!!!! Got three days in which was really good. Will try to go tmw. Belatedly late but very genuine thanks for supportive comments from Forlorn, Saville and Badger. Not much to report its sort of "steady as she goes" but feel a bit bored and restless some days including today. I know from experience porn slippage is much more likely when I feel like this - have pigged out on cake instead which is not really very good either. So I need to take care.
That old familiar feeling. We fight through, hopefully, knowing our mindset can change in an instance. But, better than PMO!
Time for another journal entry. It’s been a pretty crap week. My wife has really needed me and I have been to depressed and self obsessed to step up and support her. Am very sleepless and stressed too. On a positive note I remain clean which is a huge boost so things are not the same old same old. Change for the better can happen. I need to work on the next steps which means finding a way to work less and begin to find ways to escape the loneliness I have suffered since the mid 1990s - how crazy is that being friendless for so long but where and how to find kindred spirits when I am an old bloke?
