Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You said it! :)

    @Mozenjo wondered out loud why some men could break the addiction and not others. I've been thinking about that over the past couple of days and here's what I've come up with. We need a plan. It isn't enough to just try and stay clean. At the beginning of this journey I wanted to get my mojo back. I wanted to feel some swagger, to be energized to the things around me. I had no idea how this was going to happen, but somehow I got the idea that I would woo my wife back. I stayed clean for about 3 months, I think, waiting on our holiday to Europe. I had decided that once in Europe I would make my move. I even bought some lube in case my wife complained of dry vagina. This is all in my journal so I needn't go on about here. However, having that plan really energized me. I wasn't doing it for my wife, I was doing it only for me. For the first time in my life I was putting myself first. I will tell you that is a glorious feeling. Fuck the wife, fuck the kids. What do I want? From that standpoint I stumbled forward, making a lot of mistakes, pissing people off, but I felt like I'd returned to my real self, a coming home, if you will.

    I've written these things over and over again here. In my success story I listed a lot of the things that helped me. The two most important of these things are: 1) I'm doing this for myself. 2) Recovery is an action.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That is a fact.

    Copy that. Thanks for this, Saville!
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2022
  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Saville thanks very much for the great advice. I need to free myself like you did. I spend a lot of my time running around doing stuff for the kids or the missus. Lots more little steps needed in addition to the little steps done before. This week's little steps were a really valuable conversation with someone about mental health, news of an interview for a possible new job and not looking at porn for 7 days now which is very cool .
    Saville likes this.
  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    9 days clean now. Stressful day ahead working at home alone preparing for the interview this Friday. Feelings of depression and an urge to PMO. Giving into that would be seriously dumb, instead I am going to bite the work bullet which will reduce the stress and make me feel better.
    Saville likes this.
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Hey Tom,
    Thanks for checking in on me, just here to walk with you as well. Wishing the best in recovery, and for peace of mind as you implement what you know works. I believe in the power of the group to fight something that thrives on isolation.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    11 days clean despite yesterday being a tough day. I haven't had a streak this long for a while. It feels good but fragile. Feeling increasingly stressed as the job interview gets closer - its Friday. I don't think I will be successful, but I need to regard it as a valuable experience to get more up to speed with interviews in general as I haven't had one for about fifteen years.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2022
    Saville and ZeeBawn like this.
  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thank you too ZeeBawn:). I really like and totally agree with your last sentence. This forum is a unique and crucial resource for people like us fighting addiction.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    11 days clean is fantastic! You may notice I altered the end of that sentence.

    Yes, it is exciting to having some new on the horizon.

    Self-talk matters. Change the inner dialogue, switch the paradigm.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  9. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks very much for this Saville. You are absolutely right - changing the language of self talk is so critical. Your edited version of bits of my post makes me feel so different about the forthcoming job interview. This leads onto a broader point. I have been realising more and more lately that my depressive tendencies are deep rooted. If I lie awake at night the thoughts that randomly come into my head are usually depressing ones, and the memories that pop up from nowhere are more often sad ones. Yet there has been alot of good stuff in my life too. I was looking back over some old family photographs yesterday and I was struck about all the good times I hadn't thought about in years. Its these issues which lie behind my porn addiction and this is why I am getting some proper mental health input to start grappling with them. NB in a few hours it will be 13 days porn free which is super cool!
    Saville likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, Tom.

    I write to others what I need to hear myself. Repeating my story, the things that have helped, help me to stay on point. It's why helping others is one of the great gifts we give ourselves. There is something about writing things down that clears away the debris.

    Reframing what we think, say, and write is part of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). When my married sex life looked doomed I reframed the narrative. Before coming to YBR my mind-set was very much made up of the following phrases:

    She'll never want me again because I'm a filthy cheat. I changed that to: She's still with me! I know she has trust issues at present, but I can become trustworthy.

    Our relationship will always be strained. - Our relationship still seems to have a kernel of love.

    I don't really want sex with her anyway. - I want to reach out. I still like the feel of our bodies together when we hug.

    I could write down 50 more things, but you get my drift. My previous thinking created walls with barbed wire on top of them. It was incredible when I realized I had the power to change all that.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    A plan, yes ! You. Must yes must believe you can do it !Even if you don't in the beginning just keep telling yourself that, soon you will believe it .
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well its been a few days since I have posted. Thanks very much for the posts. They really help. The stuff about CBT is really interesting and something I want to find out more about. I am in a pretty bad way since yesterday I guess things have been triggered by not getting the job I had the interview for on Friday - there are very few vacancies like it so things are very crap. Sleepless night even a bit of crazy self harming - punching myself in the head - how bonkers is that. Right now porn seems like the sticking plaster it is - there is much more serious fundamental mental shit at play here. This realisation makes it easier not to PMO. When I get cravings I just think this is the mental self destructive stuff trying to drag me back down - so far its working. Still clean which is great. Am signing up for counselling from my work today (while I still actually have a job).
    Saville likes this.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    18 days and holding firm is awesome!

    Punching yourself is not the worst thing you could do, I mean it. It shows that you deeply care about what's going on in your life and it also is an excellent indication that you have the energy needed to heal. If you read my post about "creative rage," it sounds like you're at a good starting point. Keep raging, but be gentle on yourself.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Saville. I have plenty of rage but not the creative bit - need to work on that! V dark moods in weekend but in part this may be due to acute dopamine withdrawl as its 23 days without P or M or O now - which is very cool. All best,
    Saville and Mozenjo like this.
  15. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Its seems ages since I have been on this forum - 40 plus days. Soon after my last post (and cant remember when) I had a serious relapse into my old ways and have been stuck there with the exception of a few short streaks of two or three days ever since. The result as we all know is predictable and depressing - I feel like shit cant properly think, work or plan for the future. So once more I will pick myself up and fight the good fight. All best,
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, you will. You will learn and you are learning.
  17. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    Relapsing is so frustrating. Picking oneself up is the only way to go I guess. That is what I try to do and I learnt quite a lot from reading the posts (including yours) here. So I wish you all the strength in the pick -up.

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