Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Congrats, man. That's a good streak already.
     
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  2. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Merry Christmas and a happy porn free New Year to all!
     
    ruggerdoug, badger and Libertad like this.
  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Despite the fine words (and genuine ones at the time I typed them) of my last message I have been using porn most days or nights from Christmas day - how rubbish is that - till now. I HAVE to get back on the horse or else I cant see a way out of this mess...
     
  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Have hardly been on this forum in 2022 so far, but after a January that has been too often porn depression (last week was especially bad with four days lost to P) I have reset my counter as a first step in fighting the beast once more. So far this week I have had no O since Monday and no P since Tuesday which is a start - even a single clean day is a big achievement when you have been using like I have - BUT I am feeling the negative withdrawl effects of stopping after such a bad stretch. This includes insomnia, cravings, depression (woke up at 3.30 am today could not get back to sleep), irritability, inability to focus, interact etc etc. Its horrible! If I can hang on today, things will be better as family will be around me over the weekend and hopefully the withdrawl effects will have worn off quite a lot making the fight next week winnable. As I have said on earlier on this forum that I had whole year without porn before lockdown and had 90 plus day stretch during it - so I have done it before...
     
  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Look whom the cat dragged back :D! Yo!

    There's always a price to pay. Either upfront, or later. I'd say sexual frustration is better than paying a greater price later.

    You need to build that streak, and things will get easier then. Sure footing, man, gotta get that strong grip on your existence...
     
  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks CBB you are right about the price to pay. Have continued to kept away from porn and am already feeling better :) Gotta keep on keeping on. Best,
    Tom
     
    Saville likes this.
  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn yesterday :)
     
  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Good man, good man...
     
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  9. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks CBB. I did not look at porn yesterday again. If I can just hang on and get some clear blue porn free water between me and my last fall, then...
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2022
    CleanBootsBaby! and Saville like this.
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn yesterday. Feeling a bit down/ angry/ grumpy. No new issues probably more the dopamine-starved monster trying to get me to start using again than anything "real". Well monster you can f**k right off! I like being clean and doing right!
     
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  11. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    I did not look at porn yesterday. Feeling the beginnings of some cravings. I just have to hang on today and then its the weekend and I will be with family and away from screens.
     
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Fell down last Saturday clean Sunday then some crazy binging 6 hour binges Monday to Wednesday. Usually when this happens I am really depressed and full of self hatred, beat myself, feel dirty, dishonest etc. Recently I read Libertad's genius post of January 28th which likened this way of thinking to an endless boxing match doomed to failure unless the emotional issues that led to a desire for porn in the first place are addressed. So I am not going to beat myself up this time but look (again) really hard at what I wrote in my notebook at 2am on a sleepless Wednesday night "make a plan to address issues that cause depression".
     
    Saville likes this.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Good for you! I'm sure you'd rather be in another situation right now, but you can beat yourself down into the "no motivation at all anymore, let's binge for a few other days" mindset sometimes, if you dwell too much in the "How the heck did I do that again?" space.

    Am I saying to take failures in jest? Not at all. But preventing further damage, yea, that's smart...
     
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  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks CBB wise for your wise words. Yes there is definitely a tension between being to tough on yourself for relapses and not tough enough. Yesterday and Thursday rather than look at porn I started to bite into the mountain of life stuff that is a big element in the depression that was/is my major drive to porn in the first place. This shit wakes me up most mornings at about 4am full of stress and worries both work and family related. I now have 62 "things that bug me" in my notebook some are major, complicated and will take alot of unpicking, others are simply sending an email, paying a bill etc. In the two days I have sorted out 17 of the things which has already reduced the amount of that mental "noise" that stresses me out and wakes me up. So energy wasted on porn has been going somewhere positive for a change!
     
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  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you started tackling the smaller ones. I congratulate you, simply starting this is a HUGE accomplishment.

    I don't know about you, whether ti's relevant, but in my case, sometimes procrastination can hit me big time. And, of course, there's some correlation with P usage...but who's surprised?
     
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  16. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks CBB. Yes I am feeling pleased about making a start right now the number of tasks d0ne is increasing (27) but the total number of tasks in increasing more (87). This helps reduce the day to day noise but the big scary hard to unpick ones are what I really need to tackle if I am going to break the cycle that has been going on for a while of bumping along with short streaks lasting not much more than a week. Narrowing down my list of things that bug me into fundamentals makes me realise that getting proper mental health advice and assessment is critical. I am going to some stuff today about making that happen.
     
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  17. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    No P M or O for 5 days now:). This and more critically the new awareness concerning moving forward on getting some proper mental health help is energising and positive
     
    Libertad, StarWarsFan and Saville like this.
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    ...and 9 days now, good stuff.
     
  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Sadly not. Later that Tuesday I got very stressed (car and family problems) allowed myself to be triggered by some advertising then was dumb and peeked. This led to predictable consequences later in the week. Even in the midst of this fall there were some positives:
    1) arranged to see someone to talk about mental health this Wednesday
    2) Begin digging into installing porn blocking software and purchased Norton Security but I think I will need some other stuff as well
    Recovered well in the weekend and will try to carry this on day by day. I think if I can set up effective porn blockers its going to be huge help day to day and should give me the time and space to dig down into, and make some fundamental progress with the mental health stuff...
     
    Saville likes this.
  20. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well its Wednesday morning and I am still clean. Felt motivated and clear headed yesterday so continuing the streak was easy. Today I woke up feeling tired and stressed so it may be harder. Gotta keep keeping on.
     

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