What I want to point out also about the tracking, the acceptance of my inadequacies and deficiencies, I can´t really tell what came first, being less judgemental while tracking the relapses or being able to accept were I am at, at the moment or it is somewhat similar and came around the same time, but after a few months I stopped fighting so much after the relapse against myself and started to accept what happened sooner and that seemed to have been the moment were I got more motivated and gave up my resistance against myself and did not go into a binge mode for many days. This changed also the view on a relapse, before it was like a all is lost state of mind after a relapse, like it does not matter any more and I will relapse again and again over the next few days to a view more like, ok, I relapsed again, no big deal, I have relapsed thousands of times over the last three decades, what can I do to gain a small edge before the next urges come. Even the time after the relapse became so somewhat constructive and not so depressive.
I've tasted the same feeling...you're in the "good" company of other repeated offenders that are working their way up. Okay, you don't want to know what "gardening" channel I used to frequent...LOL. Women, sex "sells" everything. I'm happy that's back in the past. Glancing at your counter, it's in yours, too. We've all been there, haven't we? How about reading erotic novels and getting a raging boner because my brain was desperate for a fix? What about squeezing one out to some childhood cartoon? Deprive a brain of its drug and things get weird quickly. But here you are, again, and as far as I can say you are in the proper place. That's what matters most at this time.
[QUOTE="CleanBootsBaby!, post: 723716, member: 39015"QUOTE] That's what matters most of the time. I disagree that's what matters ALL the time!
Its been quite a while since I have written anything on YBR. Basically I have been lost in pornland most days for almost a month. This is a mixture of my long standing addiction plus some bad news - its now official I am going to loose the job I have had for the last 19 years at the end of June 2022. I have been really depressed most days but if I am really honest its more porn than job related. I have found that if I edge with porn non-stop for say 5 hours it does something bad to my brain and how I feel about myself. Do this day after day and the depression gets REALLY bad. Even though I know I should stop the addiction is so much stronger that it is really difficult to do so. I was up way to late last night looking at porn but today sleep deprived as I am I am going not to look at any porn today or tonight just to see if I can do it. No expectations about tomorrow just one day that is all
That's tough losing a long standing job. Will you get redundancy pay? Time to make plans for the future? I've had five hour and more edging sessions in the past, that is somewhere I never want to go back to. I felt I could feel my grey matter dying and my soul being crushed. You probably need a strategy for when you feel down or have bad news, as these things tend to come round in life. Good luck, you can do it!
As @positivef said, thats a tough situation to be in. Feelings that may come up, like the feelings of not beeing valued and appreciated are very tough to deal with. There is something grounding and calming and it gives a feeling of accomplishment if we do one small task for ourself every day consistently. It could be meditation or a few exercises for a few minutes or journaling or a walk. It does not have to take long. A few minutes each day gives you a good feeling and it is not dependant on others. It is something for yourself. Maybe you want to try it. All the best. Take care.
Sorry for your job, man. I am sure you will emerge on the other end victorious, though. May I quote myself: "No matter how bad things are, I can make them worse by PMOing"?
Thanks for the kind and insightful comments guys. I did not look at porn yesterday. Today's mission is to make it two days clean
all we have guaranteed is today, sometimes. if i have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, i shit all over today. hang in there my brother.
Four days clean. Serious brain “fog” and weirdness due to dopamine withdrawal I guess. Still I have that glimmer of hope again…
You've made it this far in life - I bet you've been through bad times and yet you're still here. Losing your job will be a bump in the road. Don't feel bad: Many nights I edged from 10pm to 4am, finally orgasmed, slept about 3 hours then woke up with red eyes, looking and feeling like crap -ha. The craving gremlins are screaming for their fix. Starve them and they will die.
True Change I like the way you refer to the cravings. They are these dumb mindless manifestations of chemical and psychological addiction. They are not us, they are outside us. They are just trying to drag us back down and they can fuck right off!!!! Six days clean you bastards (not you True Change - the gremlins!). Best, Tom
