Old Tom's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Old Tom Bombadil, Feb 4, 2021.

  1. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    It is with some trepidation that I begin my addiction journal. I am over 50 and have been skulking in the shadows of this forum for over a year and only actually joined properly recently. I have had skirmished with porn since my teens but full-blown internet-base porn addiction probably only kicked in the second half of the 2010s in part due to extreme stress related to my job. I had a 9 month porn free episode in 2020 but this collapsed due to Covid and job insecurities. Right now I am fighting intense cravings but get a great deal of comfort from the website knowing others have gone through what I am and come out the other side. One post I read a couple of days had a great bit in it saying that "porn is bad for me and makes me unhappy". Such an obvious thing but so easy to forget when the cravings come. I am hoping to remain porn-free long enough for the physical side of the addiction to lessen and then I can begin to think more carefully why I have such a need for this stuff in the first place.
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome and good luck!
     
  3. badger

    badger Active Member

    Tom,
    I am 66 years old and still fighting this monster. hang in there. I have some other posts that may help you. welcome. we are definitely brothers in arms in this fight.
     
  4. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks very much Badger I'll have a look through your posts. All best, Tom
     
  5. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well after the optimism of Thursday I am ashamed that sleeplessness very early on Friday morning alcohol, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness led me to drift into PMO which occupied most of that day and night. Why do I do this? Its self destructive, REALLY bad for doing my job, I hate the sneaking around my family its terrible really. Still yesterday I started over and had a good day. This mornings intense cravings reversed by having a good look through this great website.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Reading and posting here are two of the best interventions you can give yourself. As a man in your 50's you still have lots of good PIV sex ahead of you, as well as some wonderful living.
     
  7. badger

    badger Active Member

    hey Tom,
    how and what did you do to put together those 9 months porn free? i have never had that long a streak. it would help me to know. thank you.
     
  8. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well Badger its hard to say exactly how I did it because there has been some pretty crappy months since so I have time to forget some of the fine-grained detail. Several things made a big difference lots of exercise with a fixed routine. Pre-Covid I would swim 2-3 times a week (about 1.5km a time) and attend weekly swimming lessons too all of which would really get the endorphins pumping and kept depression and stress at bay. I really missed this when COVID shut the pool but I tried to keep exercising. I also tried to set and achieve lots of little goals with projects rounds the house, sorting out particular bits of the family finances etc. I also did a thing with counting the days which I found very satisfying as the number started to build. The other thing I did which may sound weird was to try to stop sexually arousing fantasies. So when a p-star flashed into my mind I would pinch myself quite hard and focus on the pain and the feeling of how it subsided and this seemed stop the arousal and accompanying dodgy brain chemistry in its tracks. Not sure I would recommend this to anyone else but it worked for me for quite a while. What has changed are big job insecurities that didn't exist before but we have to keep fighting this bloody monster don't we!
     
  9. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    This week has been going pretty good so far with no porn and the cravings have been pretty manageable. Today I can feel myself faltering. Stress levels are up due to impossible work deadlines! I REALLY want to make it into double figures at the very least but part of me is really doubting this.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You can definitely do it! The cravings and the ability to resist the cravings is all between the ears. When you find your eyes glazing over, and your brain has decided to do the deed, allow yourself to see what you're doing. Without judgment watch yourself. Sometimes this awareness is enough to halt the pud pulling.
     
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  11. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Wise words Saville. Thanks for this!
     
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  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Just enough time for a quick journal entry. Things are still going OK - its now Friday and still no P or M or O. Catch myself feeling clean and mentally stronger and sharper as a result but I am very aware of the knife edge I walk on this current part of the journey. Over confidence can lead to a fall too so I am trying to take each day in turn. Aiming at getting through today and into the weekend when I am less on my own and things will be easier. I am finding the forum so critical in all this. When I am tempted to go astray I go to the forum instead. Its a life saver/ changer. THANK YOU.
     
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  13. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Last night and this morning lots of cravings pretty tough but so far ignoring them. Work related stress and TV program trigger. Still hanging in there though. Got to stay on course1
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing great! The pay off later is so incredibly worth it. It's like an obese person saving themselves from a heart attack through diet.
     
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    How's your week been Tom?

    You mentioned that work-related stress is a major trigger for you. Is this because it's a particularly demanding role or is it more to do with financial insecurities as a consequence of the pandemic?
     
  16. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks loads for your supportive comments Saville they really help at those difficult moments
     
  17. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks for asking Forlorn. Covid doesnt help its isolating and lonely but doesn't make that much difference. Its partially the role. For example, I had to work crazy hours all through last weekend to meet deadlines, also job insecurity is a big worry. Basically I could be out of work and maybe lose my house in a few months but this may not happen. Despite all this (and I find it hard to type the next bit due to low self esteem) but I am PROUD OF MYSELF for keeping it together and staying on track and sticking to the 90 day no porn/ no dopamine goal despite the stress!
     
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  18. badger

    badger Active Member

    Tom,
    be proud. one day without PMO is a huge accomplishment for many of us that have been stuck in this daily hell of filth. take credit for your hardwork. i know for sure it is not easy. praying for you.
     
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  19. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Well I have been neglecting my journal for a few days. Things have been very busy round here but in a good way. Hitting work deadlines, sleeping better, getting into some new music, achieving some small but very satisfying goals around the property. Still no PMO and feeling pretty good, though I had three nights in a row where I had dodgy erotic dreams which were concerning but I guess its the old monster trying to reassert himself but it didn't work. To echo a recent post I am starving that SOB to death! The cravings seem generally less intense at the moment which is great. These days when I wake up instead of looking at P on my phone I now look at this website and read the latest posts which I find hugely helpful. Thanks again to one and all.
     
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  20. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    It about time for another journal entry. 28 days still no PMO which is pretty cool. When/ if I get to 30 days, I will be a third of the way through to my goal of 90 days no PMO to kick the dopamine dependency which is half the battle. As to how to win the other half this is actually the most difficult bit. I am pretty sure I have depressive tendencies and the PMO was/ is part of a terrible cycle of up and down. In its absence the depression comes out exercise helps but is only dealing with the symptoms not the cause. Being honest I am a very lonely man, a workaholic with no close friends (how it pains me to type that) and I need to allow myself to live more be happier but decades of negative "programming" is hard to kick.

    Still having cravings some times and also a dangerous feeling of boredom which is a void that PMO has filled in the past. I am trying to be more self reflective about these thoughts and feelings and each time thinks about WHY they just appear in my brain and the real consequences of what would happen if I acted on them.
     
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