Odyssey of a 20 yr old.( Regular update)daywise journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mickeymouse, Feb 12, 2018.

  1. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    How long will I continue with this habit. I need to get a job work earn money but for that first my motion issues should get normal. I should be convince myself that I am not impotent. And also that I am capable of working .
     
  2. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    My sister did not take her anti depressants and broke the glasses again. My mom and we were telling her to not. She abused my mom and asked her as to why did she give berth to her. I also became aggressive while she did this and whispered suck my **** while she strated throwing glasses here and there. My mom made a note of it and she told be she felt bad when I used such an abusive and sexual language . I felt extrememe guilty and gave myself some 10-15 tight slapgs on each of my faces hit my heard hard and cried a lot. Actually my sister skipped her anti depressants yesterday night and I see all this today. I offered my asar prayers at home. After having prayers I lied on my bed and somehow passed away. A little my heart started to race faster and I woke up to a shout of my sister on my mother. I am sick of my insomnia.
     
  3. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 2


    Feeling drained. I wish I did not knew what I had atleast I was good with myself with less anxeity and tension.
     
  4. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 4

    Yesterday went to an ayurvedic doctor he gave me some medicines..I have prayed to Allah.swt to help me overcome this and make this Ayurveda doctor the means. Inshallah my lord who is ar-rahman ( meaning who is is merciful) will surely help me.

    Ameen ya rab!
     
  5. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 6

    It's day 2 of ayurvedic medicines. Took the medicine in the morning. Had breakfast and immediately had a loose motion. I don't understand the reason for back pain.lower abdomen pain. This is there since almost 2 years now. Can anybody help me with what could be the causes for that pain. My chest mid bone also pains. It really feels frustrating. I feel I cannot do anything with all these pains. Somebody should have atleast told me something about the masturbation stuff and it's bad effects. No body talked about it here in India.
     
  6. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Ayurveda doctor said there are some steps of conversion of serum into semen. In which bone and muscle are also in the heirarchy. And my weakness was due to loss of that. Because I was masturbating excessively my bones were making noises apparently. But how long will I continue with the same. It has to improve. I am forced to believe that if it does not improve I am more or less like an old man. Who just waits to die.

    Inshallah still have hope on Allah SWT to bring some change in my life.
     
  7. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 8

    I just woke up. I was sleeping but it was not deep sleep. My chest and shoulders pain. I wonder why do they?
     
  8. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    I completed the book " why you should never masturbate" by David Baldwin. He highlights the importance of semen retention and speaks about the benefits of doing it. Also he talks about the negative effects of masturbating. He spoke it takes 40 days to form semen. And says everytime you masturbate you put yourself 40 days of recovery. I have Essentialy been doing it for 5 years altleat or may be 6 years .Once you matsurbate you need 40 days (365*40*6)/365=240 years. That means I cannot recover. I thought I will get some good insights. Infact I got some he said regular masturbators will keep on going to doctors and treat their sypmtoms. But they have to quit masturbation to see benefits. All they face is because of masturbation . And further says those medicines they take to overcome illness treats the symptoms and even cause side effects in the long run. Somebody should have told be about that when I was in my early teens. Now I have stomach issues back pain issues fatigue issues. I am consumed.
     
  9. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 9

    I caught some flu and cold some 2 days back. Now adays I am catching that very easily. My immunity is low. I don't when shall I wake up to have energy to do things.
     
  10. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 16

    I was so frustrated inside. My mom came with some small issue. She was complaining of my younger brother sitting a lot on the mobile phone. I recalled even I was a porn addict. They don't know about it. And gave myself some tight slaps some 15-20 infront of her. My bones have become weak. My quality of life has reduced. I can only live of I have hope that someday I will become normal.
     
  11. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 20

    I am going for HVAC classes in the morning. HVAC is a part of mechanical engineering where the target is to either heat or cool a space for human conditions. I joined last week. Physical weakness still there. Some of my friends have strated flying to other countries for higher education. One of my dear friends just boarded his flight. I was imagining myself at his position. Though I have a decent percentage enough to get into an above avg univesity I can't think of trying. I am afraid how shall I manage being away from my parents. I can literally imagine myself in that situation and cry. Had I been physically strong things might have been different. I just pray to Allah SWT to sort all the issues out for me. Keep me among the righteous people. And give me strength to strive for better. And also improve my physical strength.
     
  12. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    My lower back is generally bad in pain and front lower stomach stomach it becomes visible especially when I do some taks like say washing utensils after having food. It pains when I do some physical work and often make me think how shall my life be in future. Anxiety of having bad stomach further troubles me making me believe my pelvic floor is not good and hence the trouble of having bowel too often. Surprisingly I have no anxiety about the bowel when I am casual at home.but when it came for going to class or when I had a job that was a big deal.
     
  13. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Sometimes you don't have any option me having decent percentage in engineering I still can't think of a master's with my current physical condition. At the end a human can only kneel infront of the lord . Indeed lord is only the supreme.
     
  14. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 22

    I m so drained. I don't know why. I feel so tired. I do not know when shall I get ok. The 'kit kit' sounds always come from my bones. I get irritated like old people very easily. When I wake up I feel tired.
     
  15. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 25

    The day before yesterday was terrible. My laptop was broke and I was getting frustrated felt like doing pmo but somehow managed the craving. Today also had the same craving. I m just stuck . I don't know should I continue in my own field of mechanical engineering or should I change to IT . On top of it I feel I am worthless with all pains in my body and can't keep up with the IT field. I m so confused the pay in mechanical field is so less. On top of it I remain tired most of the time . Allah please help me get through this.
     
  16. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    I feel a kind of social fear when k talk to people . Especially when they are of my age bracket. I think perhaps they are aware of the fact that I did a lot of PMO from my face. Also some fear is always there in my mind like for example if I join a course will I be able to complete it or not always troubles me. I don't know if it's anxiety.
     
  17. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 26

    I was so tired in the afternoon. I was having headache and lower back pain. My mom applied some balm over my head and lower back and I felt better and somehow managed a 15-20 min good rest. Sooner I had the urges to PMO and my stomach started to respond and became upset. Luckily my friend messaged me and I somehow abandoned the whole idea
     
  18. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Whenever I have the idea of PMO I felt the need to have a bowel moment. I do not know why.
     
  19. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 29

    Days do not make difference they are just a number. I have back spasm today. I have become weak. Sleep do not come naturally to me. Anxeity of how will I manage doing a job is killing me from within being the eldest in my family sooner or later I will have to earn. I feel drained most of the time. 4-5 yrs back I didn't felt the same. If I had the option to go back and reset one thing in my life I would have never watched pornography and did masturbation. When will I get a refreshing sleep. It seems my joints are inflamed because most of the times they run against each other and make sound. The only thing I can do is to pray to Allah SWT who can only help me with this. Doctors write multivitamins but they do not help much. If I say to them my buttocks have also gone inside and my hips are sunken they would call me psychiatric patients. They say everything is normal with me . Then why the hell did I prematurely ejaculated last time when I relapsed and why was my semen so thin. Why do I get tired with less physical efforts doctors don't have an answer to if. If I recite this infront of a psychiatrist they call it depression. But they do not consider my 5-6 years of chronic masturbation that I did. I can only reach out to Allah for help now.
     
  20. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Day 0 relapsed .


    I was reading some old sections of ercetile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation stories on the forum searching desperately for somebody in a similar condition like me. While reading I got a semi erection after some 45 mins of reading pre ejaculatory fluid leaked. Sooner did this happen that I fealt the need of bowel moment. I think because the prostate is linked with the anus also. Again the ejaculate was very very thin like watery. It's one thought that leads me to there. The final decisions are conscious but I feel like I can never recover and hence do it again. I should get strong reason that I am curable and not matsurbating and pmoing helps with that. Also I was taking musallipak granules for better reproductive health. May that was the reason that the volume was a little high then before. Because I am on anti depressants I don't feel regret. But there remains some element of regret I will have to seek repentence again and tomorrow will be again a bad day because I did the act today and tommorow's schedule will be messed up .
     

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