Nuwanda's path to liberation

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Nuwanda, Jan 21, 2017.

  1. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Still going without any problems
     
  2. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Another great day!
     
    freeman35 likes this.
  3. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Feeling as great as ever
     
  4. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I've noticed that this thread is under the pornography addiction section, and not under the journal section. I've tried to move it, but I don't think it is possible. I will continue to write my journal here instead.

    Other than that, I am doing great. I have had some minor urges, but nothing I can't deal with.
     
  5. freeman35

    freeman35 Active Member

    Keep it up man - good to hear you are doing well
     
  6. lookingahead

    lookingahead To restore my inmost being. Staff Member

    Give me your age and I will move this thread to the right journal section.
     
  7. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    21
     
  8. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    This last week I have been sick. I had a lot of great things I was going to do, but I ended up being unable to do any of them. This ended in one pmo. I felt bad about it after, etc etc, but at the moment I feel great. I just felt like it was an easy way of dealing with the fact that I was unable to do any of what I had to do this week. That proves I still have some things to learn, especially when it comes to dealing with stress and boredom. But I am improving vastly. This month is the best yet since june of 2016, if I can keep it up the last couple days! So from here on the journey goes on as normal. I am making it a habit to write here and eliminating triggers, stressors etc. I am going to edit the host files on my phone, so no browser will be able to give me access to pornography. I feel really great about that. Also I am trying to remove myself from timedrains suck as reddit, facebook and youtube. Overall my life is great, and I am feeling great about this journey.
     
  9. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Thanks for moving my thread @lookingahead.

    I feel great today. Nothing more of interest to mention.
     
  10. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    This week haven't been my proudest. I decided to change my pain-"reward", so now I have to eat a box of dog food if I PMO more than 3 times in a month. I feel like a hypocrite for changing my punishment after I already failed. I wouldn't classify it as cowardly, but it is certainly nothing I am proud of. My goal is of course 0, but I find that it wasn't smart to punish myself that much from just one screw up. I am still making myself see the seriousness in all this, I am trying to work on a pornography battleplan. It will include rewards, punishments, goals, notes, and ways to change my belief about porn. I still believe that once I manage to stick to the belief that porn is a low class mentality, and something I shouldn't indulge in, that I will be successful.

    I am taking more steps toward removing porn from my life. I think entertainment addiction and pornography addiction are very close linked. I am trying to reduce my internet consumption a lot. Some things I am changing is blocking porn, reddit and instagram completely on my phone. And blocking porn on my computer. Also I am limiting myself to half an hour of youtube and facebook a day. That last part is actually the hardest one to manage. I think my need for these sites are a clear symptom of my addiction. I am trying to learn more everyday to remove myself as much as possible from the internet all together. I know I can do this, and I am proud of myself for daring to change. I am going to beat this, and I know it.
     
  11. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Also, I want to thank everybody for reading and commenting on my journal. Doing this together gives me a sense of urgency, and make it feels more important to acheive my goals. We can do this together.
     
  12. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Welcome my friend!
     
  13. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Yesterday I blocked all porn from both my computer and my phone. It is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but I have been putting it off. I am happy to finally have it done. I rooted my phone and installed PornAway. On my computer I installed K9. I also completely blocked reddit from both devices, and instagram from my phone. I need to remove myself from the internet a lot more, it is so easy to totally waste time there. Also, I set up a lockbox with pluckeye. This stores my passwords. I don't know the password for K9, and I will get my friend to make a pincode for my phone which I dont know, so that I can't uninstall anything. If I want to retrieve my passwords I have to wait for 1 day first, more than enough to know that unblocking anything is out of my reach. I blocked porn both because it takes it out of my reach, but also because it makes the decision for me. Now it would be very hard to find any porn, and I would have to really go out of my way to find anything that would resemble what I usually relapse to. I am feeling good about this. I am happy that I have made a habit out of removing porn from my life, and I can already see how much it is impacting my life. Even though I have had way more relapses lately than I would have wanted, I have still vastly improved over my previous months. I am excited to see where I am going from here.
     
  14. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    No, I just use my stock OS, it is good enough and I don't really wanna go down the rabbit hole of tinkering with it! Really cool that you actually used a Nokia in 2017, I would love to hear the comment from your friends :D I used to have an iphone 5s, and even that thing made me use my phone a lot less. There is one main feature I missed though, NFC. I have a NFC chip in my kitchen, so I have to physically take my phone to my kitchen to turn off my alarm. This is essential for me to wake up in the morning! I wish they made smaller phones though. All phones have to be so large today that you can barely use them. I just want a "barebones" phone with decent specs that allows me to do basically what my current phone does, in a much smaller formfaction (I think the iphone 5s size or even iphone 4 was perfect). All these lightning fast large screens with endless entertainment can be a real hook, and I honestly think it is becomming less of tool, and more of a entertainment device. I have deleted the instagram app and blocked it on my phone, but I kept my account. Browsing on the pc really doesn't work, so this is an okay compromise for me.

    This is a cool idea, I might steal it!
     
  15. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I wanna thank everybody that is reading for being here. I just realized this thread has been viewed 833 times. Thats insane to me! Makes me motivated and determined to know that so many people are on here reading my words and keeping me accountable. I wanna hear your comments as well, together we can go to where we want to be.
     
  16. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I have been doing well lately. My goal is to only relapse 3 times in december, then 2 times max in january, once in february and then never again. I might modify this slightly depending on how I feel in the future (december limit will for sure not be modified!). I know this sounds counter intuitive, to not go completely free immediately, but I have tried that too many times. I am not trying to allow myself to pmo, but rather to be real about how this addiction works on me and how I can battle it. Usually I get a decent streak and then throw it away with multiple relapses in a sub-week interval. If I keep up to my promises, december will be the 5 month of sub 10 relapses this year. The other months have been in the 10-17 range. This is what I find so disturbing, I have been relapsing way more than I thought. Very few months in my life have I ever had less than 3 relapses. This is why I think this is a worthy goal for me.

    As soon as possible I am going to do more work with my pornography battle plan. It is hard to find time while having exams coming up, but I am feeling confident I will manage. I need to establish some better values in regards to sex, pornography, women and escapism. I am certain I can do so, but I am prepared that it will take some work.

    Thank you all for reading, and especially thanks to @Bauldr for being so encouraging lately. You all make me feel accountable for my actions, and now I can't just lie to myself when I don't follow up on my goals, I would have to lie to you all as well. That challenges my integrity. Thanks again.
     
  17. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I feel great today. I have been able to get up pretty early these days, there's a lot of work to do for my upcoming exams. This semester I have become so much better at having a good workflow, and it is great to see the results from my work. I really enjoy going to university, and I feel like I have a true purpose in my life for the first time. There is so many exciting things to work on, so many directions to go in. There are certain things I miss, such as having warmer weather, and a more diverse friend group, but overall I am really happy with my life.

    In regards to my pornography challenge, I have found myself being a bit intimidated by my own goals. For the first time I feel like I am truly trying to remove this addiction from my life, and it is hard to truly let go. I am in the process of setting up a system for success, but I find it hard to just sit down and do this. I catch myself checking out girls too often, often while watching tv or just walking around. I want to become one with my sexuality; to be sure of my attraction, and not sexualize the world as much as I do today. Even though I don't have urges per se, there is some "pressure" of sorts that I feel when thinking about how I must change. It seems like such a difficult task at times, and I am scared of my uncertainty on how I will react in difficult situations. In the present moment have no problem not watching porn, but the difficulty is in preparing for the hard moments. The moments of boredom, of rejection, or similar.

    This is not to say that I don't think I can beat this. I know I am going to be able to. And I feel great about the fact that I am taking this seriously. But the above mentioned are things I know I have to deal with if I want long term success. I have come a long way, and being active here has made me take this addiction seriously.
     
  18. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    You are right, I should focus mostly on my exams. I am progressing overall! I am really happy I decided to do this journal and be consistent with it. Your support really helps me going forward, and continuing to do this. This isnt a very active community anymore, but we are both keeping up and taking our challenges seriously. Thank you for your help as well, Bauldr.

    The last couple days haven't been to great though. I set myself a goal that I wouldn't pmo more than at max three times in december, and I hit 5 just now. Doesn't feel good at all. I got intimidated by my goals. I feel deep inside that it is hard to truly let go. I am progressing, and I think I am fearing the "final push", to truly commit myself to never watch porn again. I need to sit down and look at this, but as you are saying, I should do that after my exams are over. It is hard to admit that I couldn't reach my goal, especially when I made myself feel so accountable for it. I guess once you write it down, and others read it, it is hard to take to admit to not keeping up ones promises. I am working hard to become the man I want to be, and I feel certain I will succeed, but this momentarily failure didn't feel too good.

    But we always get to try again one more time. And I for sure won't let anything truly drag me down. I recognise that I have things I need to look at, and I am excited that I have the opportunity to do so, and with good support.
     
  19. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I agree with you! As wabi-sabi said earlier in this journal: "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught you what you need to know". I really learned this when I stayed in Australia for half a year. Even though nobody there knew me, people largely thought of me the same way as at home and I had pretty much the same role in my new friends group. There is still a lot of things which porn has yet to teach me. I watched the video, and I think you are right. It must understand my dark desires and not push them out, but listen to them and possibly use them for good if I am ever to succeed in this addiction. I studied some psychology in australia, but never about the Jungian shadow. I am contemplating purchasing the videos, I might do that after my exams.

    I understand myself better the more seriously I take this addiction. I especially think "the shift" is interesting, the phase in which you go from fighting a relapse, to accepting it. Even though it is a moment of weakness, it feels good in that one moment. In that one moment it is more desireable to feel great for a short time, even though I know for sure it will feel worse ahead. I think this is where a lot of the disgust come from. Not only from the horrible acts of debauchary in porn alone, but that I got pleassure out of my own weakness. That I have sacrifised my morals willingly for such a small pleasureable gain. I need to understand how this shift works, and how I can avoid it. It would help bring me more integrity to my life, which I work to strengthen.

    Tomorrow I am done with my exams, and in the holidays I will use some time in "regrouping", and finding new angles to fight and learn what is left from porn. I am both a bit fearful and a bit excited of this. I am not sure what I will find, but I feel certain that if I am truly honest I will find deeper understanding of myself, and come out a stronger man. Thanks for your input, Bauldr.
     
  20. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    You are right, personality change definately requires clear goals and dicipline. We need to know what we want to change into before we even dare to try changing. In my friends group I would call myself the leader of sorts. I have never been too fond of that word, as I often find that people that want to be leaders in a friends group often are manipulative to a certain degree. They are leading because they are getting something out of it, and not because of the direction they want to take the group. I guess I do choices that I think would benefit both myself and the group I am in, but I would never sacrifice someone else to benefit from being the decider. I have absolutely not been like this always, but I used to be the person that was manipulated. I guess thats why it is so important for me to not exploit people, because I know how shitty it is.

    I am not short on money, but thanks for the offer. I am always a bit hestitant with purchases like that, but I feel like it would be a good decision. I like the channel as well, they are a lot more educational and a lot less commercial than most youtube channels. I will need to learn more about the shadow, you are intriguing me with your writing. It seems to be very beneficial to you. In a way I think the word "shadow" in itself is a bit unappealing to me. It is presented as a bit depressing, when understand the shadow resembles becoming mindful more to me. In itself it seems that the process is more of illumination the shadow rather than merely accepting it. Understanding our primal desires that we wish we didnt have, and recognising that we can live great lives alongside them as long as we are in touch with them, instead of simply accepting them as our dark side. I am currently doing some searching within myself, because I need new tools to tackle this addiction. I find myself being wanting to procrastinate on setting goals for how I am going to handle this addiction, I guess it is hard for me to truly commit. I know I have to, and I want to, but it is still hard. Oh well, it is the hard things that are truly worthwhile. I am happy I am on the right track.

    I like the way you are presenting the shadow though. Being honest and living with integrity requires that we understand ourselves better than most people do. How did you come over these ideas?

    All of my exams went well, which I am really happy about. I have had a productive half a year, and I am looking to improve upon it more in 2018. I am going on cabin trips with friends for a while now, so I'll be back second week of january.
     
  21. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Just wanted to post this. Former facebook exec talks about dopamine feedback-loops, and how it is affecting society. Does not mention porn, but I do believe porn is the best example of this. This is why I am blocking reddit and instagram, and limiting youtube and facebook. We are blessed that we are forced to learn about this, as understanding this will enable us to live better lives. For some reason it wont start showing from the right time, so put it at 21:30

     
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  22. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    @Bauldr
    What changed me from being manipulated to being more of a leader was first a change of friends group, and then the beginning of finding and pursuing worthy goals. I realised that to become who I want to be I have to be a leader both for myself and others, so thats who I started learning how to be.

    I believe porn is my way of escaping the life I want to have. I am not very good at taking a break from my life, and porn has been a way to do that. Because when I look at porn I can't focus on anything else, but when I watch a movie for example it is much easier to become disengaged. If porn were to diappear completely I would have two tasks to fix.

    1. Making better relaxation escapes
    2. Finding a way to healthily live with higher libido

    Thank you for asking that question. I just realised those two above points are the absolute main things I need to have great answers to before I can quit porn without struggling. I have for a long time thought that porn was a way for me to stop my own progress, a form of self sabotage. I am not longer so sure of this, I think it is more the fact that I need to take breaks from the life I am pursuing. Often I am telling myself I should be more efficient, or that what I have done during the day was not enough, so I just turn to porn to get away from that.

    I also think that if I can give great answers to those two points, then I would have very few obstacles in removing porn completely from my life. I have to think more about this to make sure I am not missing any key parts, but I truly think that those two points are the 80/20 of my porn addiction. Thank you again, Bauldr.

    Edit: Paired with the two aforementioned points, is a change in standards. I have to change how I view porn (as I have previously mentioned), but this in itself is not enough for success. Previously I have only changed how I view porn, but not found anything to take its place, and no great way to deal with the increased libido. This has in turn made me go back to porn, and in the process made me feel like complete shit because I couldn't control myself, and abandoned my integrity for short-term pleasure; making me feel like this is not within my capability.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
  23. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I am feeling great about my new approach. I have a lot of interesting things to occupy my life with, so that feels great. It feels great to know that whatever happens I have people out there who support me, and that I can always tackle this from a different angle. There will never come a day where I don't get to try again. Beating this addiction will always be within my grasp
     
  24. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    That is very true. It is better to have time wasting, but not life-obstructing escapisms. I think you know what I am talking about when I say that it can be tough to think so much as the time. I think gaming is a good option. I purposefully not bought a game-console, because I know how tied down I feel by it. But light pc-gaming is a good option. I don't think it is perfect for the long run, but it is a great choice for the immediate future, until I find something more positive that serves the same purpose.

    I am more tidy than most men I think, but averagely hygienic I believe. And yes, I am highly self critical. I like to think it is a virtue, as long as it is used to be self-aware, and not self-destructive. But it is a fine line after all. I am certainly a case of over-thinking in many a scenario. I don't have trouble getting women to be honest. There is a only a few women I interact with daily (I am doing engineering after all:D), but once I am in settings with people from different studies I have little problem getting girls. The things is though, I have no idea how to deal with them. Because I have sexual problems, I don't act on their flirts. I usually just play it of as being hard to get, but that wouldn't be the truth, because in atleast some cases I would act on it if I had the chance. What I am looking for is someone a bit introverted probably, whom I am not afraid to talk to because they are less likely to want to spread anything. I am not even that scared of people knowing about my pornography addiction, and everything around it, but I do find it unnessecary for people to know. I think it would be good for me to attempt (and most likely fail) to have a sexual relationship, both because it would probably be a very real leverage for me to end this, and because I would get more practice.

    Thank you! I have been feeling a lot better as of late actually. I have done my schoolwork (atleast the hard stuff) at school instead of at home, and this has reduced stress a lot. I have had no cravings these past days, and I think it is due to the fact that my room is now a place where I do stuff I enjoy to do.
     

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