"Nothing stops this train" - We Lose Nothing But An Addiction

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by JW86, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. self_Improver

    self_Improver You only have one life..Make the Most of It.

    I cant believe you actually went almost 2 Months with out P and just relapsed. ::)
    But i hope you get hold of this addiction and get better soon.
     
  2. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Thanks, Banquos.

    self_Improver - yeah, it's a bitch, isn't it. I feel gutted and out of control. I have severe anxiety around certain life situations, and the binges are to temporarily escape this bastard critic in my mind.

    My partner is home in 5 weeks.

    Since she left in February, I have done numerous 10-20 abstinence, one 47 days, several 3-5 days. Watched porn maybe four times or so in the six months.

    I am hoping if I can succeed to abstain for the next five weeks, that will be enough for rewiring. Otherwise, I will have wasted this time. Thinking is black and white and am in pain with this.

    Trying so long at this, getting fed up.
     
  3. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Been meditating. Even been playing "no masturbation" subliminals, hypnosis tapes. Trying to breathe to channel energy. Journalling and observing thoughts.. Taking fucking vision quests on entheogens!!. Does this show how desperate I am to uproot this addiction.

    And yet, something snaps. It's rarely PMO, more often MO, but I am frustrated.
     
  4. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Have masturbated a lot recently.

    I woke up this morning and noticed an urge, I began to to indulge it for a few seconds, and then some strength from within manifested, and I started literally yelling "NO" at the top of my fucking lungs. I got up, looked in the mirror, and amazingly felt POWERFUL and started yelling "STOP WANKING" into the mirror at myself. This yell became a normal talking volume, I then proceeded to have a great open dialogue with myself. I feel more in control than I have in a while. My voice is deeper again now, lol.
     
  5. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    SInce last post, I went ~15 days clean, then MO'd on the 14th/15th Aug, then went 28 days clean, having succesful sex on the 31st ofAug and 7th Sep. Relapsed today PMO'ing on Fri 13th.

    It is now 92 days until my birthday. I'm ordering a calender to hang in my bedroom wall, to tick the days off.

    Will post more. Been through a lot the last couple of days and I can understand the old coping mechanism. Tomorrow is a new day.
     
  6. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Hey Jack,
    successful sex is great. Keep your eye on the prize and you will finish the 92 days in a blink of an eye.
    R&R,
    Barn
     
  7. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Hey Barney, great to hear from you. Yeah, unfortunately I ejaculate within a few thrusts, but it is an improvement from not getting a hardon. The first time we had sex I did not need manual stimulation, was around 80% hard from kissing, touching etc. Second time I got 85% hard from oral and was good to go. Third time was on the same night as the second, I did take a third of a herbal viagra pill because my partner was only here for 12 days then gone for a year, and I wanted a good longer session. It worked.

    So there has been a net improvement. The challenge still is that it took me about a week to feel horny again, so some flat-line symptoms. Erections were still not fully there, did take a little manual stimulation/fantasy to get fully ready on the 2nd time we had sex.

    I MO'd last night - very simply, I had drunk a bit too much alcohol, PLUS I wanted to prove to myself I could get hard without porn (fear of hurting my responses by having PMOd). Now I am sober and plan not to drink like that again, I trust I will have some success.

    Things still good for you, Barney?
     
  8. Sammy3000

    Sammy3000 We are no longer the hollow men

    Sounds like things are improving on your end Jack. And yeah alcohol is a double edged sword. Some of those brews and ciders taste so damn good but it throws so many cogs in the wheels of our reboot.
     
  9. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    I've not posted here in month.

    I need to get some enthusiasm back for this journey. I've only relapsed to PMO once in the last 60-70 days, but still MO has become far too regular.

    I need to restart this journal.

    Tomorrow will be Day 1.

    Wish me luck.
     
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hey dude, I recently rejoined as well. Welcome back. :) Looks like we're both on about two weeks no PMO. Let's watch each others backs.

    All the best. Good luck.

    PC.
     
  11. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Thanks, PC. How are you doing?

    Day 1

    New day, new reboot. I am unwell with cold/flu symptoms today. I was due to work 6pm-6am tonight, but phoned in sick. I'm sitting at home, having a very progressive chat over FB chat with lady C. It's a positive closure, sad but sweet, blessing each other.. I now feel I have more freedom in my behaviour as an independent man.

    I have a lot of love for her, that is mutual.

    I now know I reboot for myself, and for my future.

    No downstairs activity ofcourse after I MO'd twice yesterday. I have set myself the initial target of getting roughly 30 days (until the end of 2013) without any masturbation or orgasm. AN olympic barbell and weights have arrived at home, once this cold is done with I'll be lifting regular as well.

    Peace.
     
  12. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Day 2

    Easy day to get by. I spent the entire day chilling at a friend's house so nothing mo/pmo related on brain whatsoever.
    Will post in with Day 3 before I go to bed tonight.
     
  13. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Day 3

    Found UnderDog's new thread thought provoking, will try and take some time tomorrow to work with his suggestions - they would seem wise to use and foolish to ignore.

    Spent an hour or two today playing video games. Managed to meditate twice, use the new home barbell weight set for a while, and see a friend in the evening for a few hours. OK day
     
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Yeah, challenging thoughts. Although I thought the post someone made further down was worth reading. It has little to do with sucking at life and more to do with low self esteem. I always thought my ego was pretty healthy until I stripped myself from my P habit. Then I got a glimpse of what was underneath and I had some pretty ugly thoughts down there.

    His post was interesting, but every time I hear an angry rant like that it just makes me think that they guy is talking to himself and has lumped everyone else in there with him. Those are HIS experiences, not everyone else's. Some people may relate to that, some may not. I know that tone he's using too, it's very self flagellation like... "I'm not good enough, I must try HARDER...". They attitude will usually blow up in your face. I know that it did for me.

    Glad to hear you're getting on with your meditation. I find it does me a world of good.

    PC.
     
  15. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    I think we need to take inspiration from multiple sources, and takes what works for us.

    For me, the message about focussing on improving life or my relationship with yourself moreso than the number of days in a row O-free is good - as when I get streak focussed, I become depressed upon relapse.

    Last day (Day3/4 overnight) - whilst half-conscious, I rubbed on the bedsheets until orgasm. I was conscious enough to be aware of what was happening, but not enough to really have the conscious mind in place to say 'No'. Strange.
     
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Good that you got value from it.

    Strange that you took advantage of yourself in the middle of the night. Were you fantasying about anything specific or was it just a desire to get off?

    PC.
     
  17. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Yeah, was fantasising about my ex.

    Who has just got married to another man.
    Who has just broken off from that engagement within a couple of days.

    My head is a mess. I'm still not MO'ing.

    I did have like three wet dreams last night, crazy. Realistic sex dreams. At least I didn't touch my dick.
     
  18. Aussie

    Aussie Guest

    Hey man,

    3 wetties in 1 night! That is cray.The way I see it nocturnal emissions are completely natural,your body was getting rid of waste.

    Are you hung up over your X at all? Or just fantasizing about sex with her? My X (7 years ago) got married last year - stumbled across some facebook pics of her on the day - she's a fat bitch now,full on whale lol.

    Try and dismiss all sexually orientated and of course porn thoughts man.Its hard I know,and virtually impossible to stop them from popping into your mind,just really focus on stopping them when they do happen.I think it's why my 80+ day flatline was so deep,I was boardering on A-sexual.Which is a good thing IMO and nothing to be afraid of - not having urges is awesome,you just cruise through the days,still have to put up with withdrawals though.

    Stay strong bro,Aussie.
     
  19. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Well, the thing is, we were still kind of attached when she got engaged. So it's a fucked up situation. I've told her I need to move on.

    Yeah they were like lucid sex dreams, i.e. in the dream I could feel, smell, touch and it felt realistic, with various girls I knew, so it was a big turnon.

    Thanks for the support.
     
  20. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Day 6

    Interesting day, I guess. Still having a lot of anxiety every time I come online, in case of replies from my ??ex..

    Made myself get out of house today, met a couple of workmates for some food and to watch the new Hunger Games movie. Told them in brief form what was going on for me, then moved on to other subjects. Nobody gave a lot of attention, and in a relieving way I though "nobody cares". It was not in a victimised way, it was more like, "I am an adult, my life is my responsibility, and I'll only divulge more to appropriate people".

    The film had a couple of hotties in which tugged my heartstrings, but I'm not going to dwell on it.

    Stumbled across some interesting ted talks and websites today. Best watched in order, you guys may find them useful.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

    Also from reading the comments I was led to the following website..

    http://theotherenlightenment.com/about/ - has a number of free mp3s - guided meditations on processing shame, fear, opening the heart. Seems to have some potential. I listened to the "Shame to Self Expression" one earlier, keeping some past mistakes in mind, and felt some kind of shift.

    Don't know where I am with all this at the moment. Every moment is filled with anxiety. I am living on the edge. The challenge is to keep processing the feelings, keep exercising awareness of the present moment, staring everything in the eye, being more courageous.

    It is my birthday on the 14th. Going to a meditation retreat 13th-15th, need some repose. I'm hitting 27 years of age. My life is my responsibility, and despite the struggles and shit in it, I want to see the beauty of it.
     

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