"Nothing stops this train" - We Lose Nothing But An Addiction

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by JW86, Nov 29, 2012.

  1. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Now on the fourth reboot.. the others lacked in perspective and willpower.. lets blast this addiction, reclaim our natural birthright as men and move boldly into life. The fourth reboot begins on Page 3, I would start this thread again if not for the awesome thoughts and advice submitted by many good people that I believe we can all benefit from.

    I am on Day 9 of my reboot, and I realised there may be challenges involved in this that may require the experience of others who are going or have gone through this!

    I will keep the backstory brief, as I want to focus on the present. I am a 25-year old guy living in the UK, who is soon to turn 26 in December.

    I was born with a medical condition known as "phimosis", whereby the foreskin cannot be retracted. I had a very extreme case where I had just enough room for my pee-hole. My first few sexual experiences with women when I was aged 15-17 involved very little physical sensation. I soon became much more of a giver than a getter when it came to pleasure, and could never manage intercourse or experience any enjoyment from manual, oral or penetration.

    I did not realise my penis was physically different, and sexual situations felt very unusual - where the hell is the pleasure in this??! I think around this point, age 17 or so, I did turn to porn, with all the classic escalation over the months and years - images, to video, to more extreme videos, etc. I never delved into really fetishy - usually sex or oral videos.

    A year or two of watching porn and I realised my penis did not look like the guys on the screen. I got to a doctor, was diagnosed with phimosis, and got circumcised.

    Still, I had become accustomed to porn and felt more comfortable around it than real women! Performance anxiety became a big issue before I could even get clothes off with random "One night flops".

    I have had a couple of relationships since the operation. First one only lasted four months, and I was dismayed to realise that having a circumcising wasn't going to answer all my problems - it was now psychological. Even with a hot woman, I required fantasy for arousal.

    I then had a three-year relationship, with ED being a consistent factor throughout. I attended transpersonal sexual therapy, and I think I only looked at porn maybe four or five times in this period. I could have sex unaided as time, other times relying on herbal viagra pills, and other times when feeling flat I did rely on memories & fantasy.

    I am on a break from that relationship at the moment and have decided, after reading the YourBrainOnPorn website, to undetake a reboot. I will be looking at 100 days and will review then.

    I will make a post in a minute regarding my first week and issues related, until then, just wanting to say hi and connect to you all. My healthy interests including conscious growth, meditation & spirituality, health/exercise/gym, physiology, massage, all sorts of music etc. My unhealthy interests have included some substance abuse, too much porn in the past, attachments to shame and fear - stuff most of you are likely familiar with.

    I have felt held back or blocked from growth for a long while, I am curious as to how much of this is due to having a dumbed down pleasure response. Although I have barely watched porn for years, the images still come to mind and my arousal response is still numbed. I have still been orgasming during my relationship so this is where I hope the total reboot (No MO) may help.

    Man, I really regret porn! So many missed opportunities and limited relationships. I am nearly 26 and refuse to have this issue affect me through my late twenties and thirties.
     
  2. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Sup, I thought I would make a weekly review and then make additional posts as necessary if certain issues come up or just to join in on conversation.

    Week One Report

    I am now on Day 9 of the reboot. What I have noticed so far is that after my last orgasm, I feel a kind of hangover effect into the next day - this includes feeling foggy headed, lethargic, un-talkative and prone to anxiety. Over the next day this effect lessens and then by day three I start experiencing some mild movements down below, feelings of warmth around my sacral area, mild semi-ons - often in the presence of or thinking about attractive women. Quite reassuring to have this experience unexpected!

    I have started a gym program this week as well that involves doing plenty of weighted squats - this really gets the blood flowing in the pelvic area - I wonder if this is related.

    On the morning of day 6 before my alarm went off, I did have a wet dream, and felt hungover throughout day 6. I panicked at first but made a determination not to relapse, but to investigate the implication of wet dreams on rebooting. I have read mixed accounts but the general consensus is to not worry as there is no masturbation involved, and to keep going!

    Again, hungover effect passes in a day and by the day after am getting some mad yearnings in the loin. Last night (night 8) I lay in bed and felt massive wank cravings, thinking of any hot women I had seen that day, dirty porno fantasies, all of that. I firmly placed my arms over the sheet so I could not fap.. when I lay on my side, couldn't help but rub penis on bed a little bit but exercised enough discipline. Breathed energy up from base to heart (Chakra stylee..)
    Fell asleep and... ANOTHER wet dream!! Already? I never usually get wet dreams. I wonder if I was half conscious during it, but there is a certain quality to the orgasm in wet dreams that is different to waking orgasms and I'd rate it probably as a wet one.

    I'm kind of concerned, I don't usually have wet dreams and now two in three days? My life has changed in the last two weeks, break from relationship etc. perhaps it is just tension.

    I am going to try not to fixate on this, going to get on and meditate before bed tonight, diffuse some of that tension. Mood day 7 through 9 has been pretty terrible - anger, despair, feeling a strange sensation in brain.. but also had moments of surprising joy - something must be going on.

    Goodnight for now guys, look forward to speaking soon.

    J
     
  3. SammyD

    SammyD New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Hey JW,

    Good work making it to 9 days. I can relate to your description of those wank urges - they're really hard to fight. You did well.

    I wouldn't stress about the wet dreams. Focus I. What you can control, and save your energy for that. You weren't looking at porn, and that's what matters most.

    Good luck buddy
     
  4. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Hey Sammy,

    Thank you for replying!

    Not watching porn has not been a massive issue for me, I was lucky enough to be in a relationship for three years.. I think I at most glanced at porno pictures maybe five times during that three year period.. so that habit is broken.

    For me it is more about the old associations - pornographic style fantasy, derealisation of sex, anxiety etc.

    Rebooting for me is about weakening those old associations and bringing sex back to reality - and, of course, overcoming ED, shame, and that whole bag. Three days until week 2 is complete. 8)

    No problem during the day aside from mood swinging low and high.. I am noticing some restlessness in the evenings, and the wank cravings when in bed. Time to take up some serious prayer or meditation while in bed!

    I notice how some guys have no problem with sex apparently.. and when sex is available to me and I just hit peak anxiety, its frustrating.. missed opportunity. I don't want to look back at age 40 and regret all this, I'd rather get this resolved within the next few months.

    Peace
     
  5. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Well, seeing as how I am cutting out MO, maybe time to think about another addiction that is probably ruining my health, happiness, financies and boners..

    Cigarettes.

    Been smoking them for around three years ago, around ten rollups a day..

    Hell, other drugs all got cut out completely recently, though I was not addicted to them per se, just situational.. never really wanted it for myself and easy to leave behind. Smoking is the really addictive one.

    Last time I stopped smoking, was for around 3 weeks or so. One major issue was insomnia. Perhaps that would be too much to combine with night-time wank cravings, lol. Or maybe I should just get some melatonin or 5-htp or some valium from the doctor's, hmm..

    Because it's all artificially jacking up the dopamine, right?

    Food for thought.
     
  6. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Hey reallifeboy, thank you for replying.

    I took your advice and installed the app - I did look at it a few days ago and found it limiting, as my goal is more around no MA than no P, I have not watched in 5 months, and maybe only four times in the two years previous to that.. and that was mostly just pictures, for a couple of minutes, with no O.

    Took an avatar of Walter White from the show Breaking Bad for my avatar. He's not a wholesome character, but a lot to be said about breaking out from limitation for him!

    Day 12 Review - so far, so good. I actually had some time this morning when I felt REALLY HAPPY! Like actually laughing and feeling engaged for a little while. And while watching a film earlier, just sitting, had random semi-on not triggered by what I was watching (was non-sexual), just the body saying 'hello'. I did glance at a nice lady in lingerie in the newspaper for around 5-10 seconds before binning it today, did not do anything, just appreciated and moment and put it away! I'm male right? :eek:

    I am also meditating (with the techniques from http://www.aypsite.org/), and today introduced some breathing practices before the meditation.. very nice.
     
  7. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Day 16 - no challenge here in not masturbating.

    I did have sex on day 14 however.. beautiful.. from spooning, just cuddling, felt more arousal passing through me with less anxiety than normal.

    Still had some erection issues, took a little while for one firm enough for penetration, and came within seconds.. but still, bought us closer..

    I don't need to reset, do I? I've been relatively P/M free for a few years but semi-regular sex perhaps has delayed my recovery. Perhaps I should extend the nofap period another two weeks to make up for it..
     
  8. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: New Journal, 100 Day Reboot

    Day 18 NO P/MO... Also DAY 2 NO NICOTINE!

    Woke up yesterday morning and made an arbitrary decision to not smoke for the entire day. Seems something within myself is needing a full reboot. So I am removing some of the larger dopamine activities - wanking and also now smoking. Been about 33 hours now without cigarette - have felt a few cravings but nothing too terrible, I even went out last night and got drunk, saw loads of old friends and did not touch a cigarette - the fact that the majority of them don't smoke is great peer support.

    I was still a little drunk waking up this morning.. not compus mentus, I did M a little bit as I do when I am half-conscious and full of soldiers.. a little bit of edging, I guess, but then I kind of 'came to' and stopped, got up. I won't be drinking that much alcohol again for a little while, must maintain discipline as I am feeling some rewards to this no MO thing. Waking up earlier in the morning with more energy, more confidence, more at ease around people.

    I did have sex on day 14, it was brief, there was some ED and PE sooo :-[ but was close, intimate, loving. Feel that may have slowed the reboot, but will just buckle down now and get to the 100th day.
     
  9. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 18, Plus Day 2 No Nicotine!] - 100 Day Reboot

    Day 20/21? today, (Day 4 no nicotine)

    Had another wet dream last night, this time featuring my girlfriend (or ex girlfriend? life..)..
    Woke up feeling the chaser effect, I did M more than the casual rub, but did not O.. so edging I guess.. fantasies about girls in my life..

    Feeling a little raw at the moment with the nicotine withdrawals as well.. some insomnia. Also noticing women that I never would have noticed before and their attractiveness, without so much of the porno body judgemental-ism. This is great, but simultaneously painful as the missed opportunities leap out to me clearer than ever, now.

    I feel horny.. but a lot of this is the dopamine cycle, especially now without cigarettes the brain is struggling. There is some body awakening too, seems easier to get hard when I did edge.

    No P at all through any of this.

    Action Points:
    Allow myself this period of time to not even worry about girls, sex.
    Stop edging! Hands above sheet (wear long sleeve if cold in room), try not to sleep on side due to bed humping tendencies!!
     
  10. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 23, Plus Day 6 No Nicotine!] - EDGING/help!

    Day 23 - Edgy as Fuck

    Nicotine withdrawals also at the moment, I cannot sleep properly. I keep lying awake for hours, drifting for a few hours, waking up again. It does not help that I am feeling incredibly horny and am constantly fantasising about women in my workplace. Damn, I barely even noticed most of them until I began this nofap and now they look GORGEOUS.

    I keep masturbating in bed, rubbing on the sheets or just shamelessly wanking away.. fantasies in head (real women, not porn, for the little that is worth).. then feeling like I am approaching the brink, and then stopping, going "NO! NO FAP! 23 DAYS ALREADY DONT WASTE" or whatever.. and then same again a few minutes later.. it's like I "CAN'T STOP" is the dopamine beast going crazy.

    I had sex on day 14, I feel that has upset this whole attempt a little bit.. and now I keep edging, I feel like I'm not giving myself the real conditions required to reboot.

    On the flipside, I am horny as a rhino and feel sorry for myself. I would love to f*ck this one out but ED would likely be an issue anyway which is why I'm doing this whole thing but... ARRGHHNNRHRGHGGHGGG!!!!!

    LOL ;D

    OH dear

    Its my 26th birthday tomorrow as well guys :eek: I just don't want to HURT anymore, sex has always been an ISSUE for me even since my first pre-porn encounters with girls when I was ~14/15.. because of phimosis, I could not feel anything so I learnt to not associate sex with pleasure anyway.. and THEN porn came along.. ifkjdhgkjkjhdf/.... all past, I know, time to move on.
     
  11. Aussie_85

    Aussie_85 Guest

    Re: [Day 22, Plus Day 6 No Nicotine!] - EDGING/help!

    Happy B-day for tomorrow JW86!

    and congrats on 23 days + quitting nicotine.i plan on quitting soon,within the next few months,iv'e smoked for 10 years.

    stay strong.
     
  12. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd!! Bugger..]

    Morning of Day 26, woke up with almost incontrollable wank urges...

    Then read a thread by UnderDog about how in some lights it can be okay to MO, in moderation..

    And there you go, that was like permission from God to go wank..

    Very hard without fantasy, made it quick release...

    Probably less dopamine rushes than the endless edging/fantasising going on for a few days beforehand.

    So now what to do?

    Maybe a two-counter system would be accurate?
    Like I stated, porn has not been a major issue with me for some time. Still, I could set, say, a 150 day on that and just pretend that I am on day 26 since porn (just to have a defined period, and to keep track since I consciously began this journey).
    And then a second counter that is since my last waking orgasm. I made 25 days, so maybe set that to 30 days.. then 35, etc. until I hit the 150.

    I mean, damn, today was the first time where the emotional brain OVERRODE the logical, I had to force myself out of bed and have cold shower.. then went back to bed to meditate. I was resting after meditation and had floods of sexual fantasies (real women, not porn), lots of nipple play and wanking.. then again, "No! Stop! Look at YBR/YBOP to help reset intenton".. then stumbled upon a thread by UnderDog discussing two counters, that single guys could maybe M occasionally, and then just went for it (but no fantasy on that, and it lasted like twenty seconds)

    I don't feel as much SHAME as I thought I would, but I do feel confused and would appreciate advice, encouragement, and support, bros..

    Btw Aussie - THANK YOU. Birthday was good. And regarding nicotine, do it! I am now on day 9 no fags (from UK, that means cigarette).. boy I'm scared of relapsing on that one!

    But yeah.. maybe a strict nofag and nofap diet is too much.. perhaps once a month controlled masturbation (ie keep it under a minute, no fantasy, just release)..

    And then after some months, move to more of a sensual touch long session kind of approach.

    I really don't know.

    :-X
     
  13. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    WTF

    As I type, I am getting chaser cravings

    I just fucking looked at some images of an old P star I used to watch and started edging

    Literally while saying "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING"

    Stopped, clicked off it.

    WTF.

    Do I need to reset?

    Fuuuuckkkk
     
  14. diz

    diz Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    Take it easy. Go for a walk. Re-evaluate.

    Don't fire that second shot. The first was the edging, the second is giving yourself a hard time about it.
     
  15. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    Too late.

    PMO'd.

    I'm actually laughing, that is probably the addiction revelling in its filthy victory..

    This confirms a pattern for me.

    Horny.. leads to a little innocent self-pleasure
    Leads to edging
    Leads to MO
    Leads to chaser cravings & PMO.

    How fucking pointless. So disappointed.
     
  16. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    This experience illustrates how for me it will be necessary to avoid waking masturbatory orgasms all together.

    The main thing that cut my porn use from 2x/week down to 5 times in 3 years was being in a live-in relationship.

    Now my partner is no longer here, I realise that I am perhaps not so addiction-free as I suspected.

    Will reset my counter shortly. Shall have to do the long haul and at least I am refer to this experience next time I consider that simple MOing is okay.. its a GATEWAY FAP lol.
     
  17. diz

    diz Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    Good that you have insight and that you are not giving up.

    I have MO'd since day 54 once every 5 days or so, but I haven't used P at all, so different horses/courses.

    I hope to make five days, fourteen days or more
     
  18. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    Hi Diz,

    It is encouraging to hear your story. At some point, healthy masturbation is probably useful to the reboot.

    I would be up for introducing 'healthy masturbation' maybe after day 60 or 90.. but the reboot must take place before the rewiring.
    MO'ing on the 26th day is very premature.. and then to PMO (something I probably have not done in around six months anyway) is just absurd??

    My woman is away for a while.. boundaries are blurred.. I do not feel such a degree of the usual shame, but something about PMO really touches emotional pain in the gut..

    It will have to be a disciplined reboot.

    Time to reset.
     
  19. livefreeordiehard

    livefreeordiehard New Member

    Re: [Day 26, just MO'd for first time!! Bugger..]

    Hey Heisenberg, YOU ARE THE DANGER! ;)

    Beat this motherfucking addiction like a boss! Just take Walt as an example. :D
     
  20. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Re: [Day 26, FIRST RELAPSE - Now Day 1]

    Livefree - THANKS!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzN7tmx0Z0w



    Also..

    I am the one who knocks. (Maybe that is the problem!!! LOL)
     

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