Nothing left to lose

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by RTE, Jan 1, 2021.

  1. RTE

    RTE New Member


    I'm a soon to be 33 year old male that has finally been forced to come to terms with my porn addiction. I discovered porn at 13 years old, and have been fascinated with it ever since. All throughout my teen years and 20's, I just thought my porn use was what normal men did. Reading about the effects that porn has on the brain, and reflecting on my own life, I realize now that I have never given myself a chance to develop a healthy view of sex, and that this addiction has influenced all of my relationships and my life.

    It all came crashing down when my wife, who is post partum after giving birth to our first child, discovered I had cheated on her online. I went to an adult chat room and found a girl, who is the exact opposite of my wife, and had cybersex while she watched me on camera.

    I have understandably been kicked out of the house, and am facing a divorce. I am allowed to see my child for a few hours each day, but my presence in the house becomes too much for my wife, and I want to respect her space at this time.

    I am 6 days porn free as of today. I have been on the Recovery Nation site as well, and I am currently committed to bettering myself as a person, and to never watch porn again. I understand my addiction is a symptom of other issues in myself, and I am going to work on improving myself. Porn addiction has taken everything from me. My house, my wife, my new family.

    I already exercise semi-regularly, that will become regularly. I will do yoga every morning. I will commit to a better diet, and I will use my spare time on doing productive activities to better myself.

    I want to know the person I can be without porn, because I feel like I have only ever met that person in brief lengths of time. I want to be a better person, because if I don't, I will never be able to maintain healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise. I have to be a better person, so that when my child grows up, I can be a success story, a proper role model, and guide them through those formative teenage years. So they don't make the same mistakes I did.

    My therapist told me I should join some sort of group to help with my recovery, so here I am. I am going to post about my progress, and hopefully one day someone will find my journal here and use it as inspiration for a better life.
    realness and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  2. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I wish you luck in your recovery.

    While that obviously wasn't the coolest thing to do, I wouldn't call it cheating. maybe one third cheating....even less.
    And though I have no idea about your situation, I'm not sure I comprehend this statement: "I have understandably been kicked out of the house".....who pays the bills?
    Also "my presence becomes too much for my wife".....I'd go see your kid, man. The LACK of your presence for the kid trumps your wife's emotions in this case.

    Maybe I'm out of touch, and out of line for indulging my opinions, but this kind of situation seems more of a couples therapy kind of thing rather than guy gets kicked out of his own home, divorced, kid snatched and all this.
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2021
  3. RTE

    RTE New Member

    I managed to convince her we need to try couples counseling, which will begin in a week.

    While she is on maternity leave, I've agreed to pay the bills, with her contributing as much as she can with her mat leave income. I've done so because if I dont pay the bills, there is no way for our baby to have a comfortable life - my wife could return to work early, but its important to me that he gets as much parent time as possible before we put him in daycare.

    I'm still able to see him for 5-6 hours a day. I go over to feed him twice a day and spend time with him. This also allows my wife to catch up on much needed rest and other aspects.

    While I am hoping couples therapy helps push us in a direction of reconciliation, at this point in time she seems very much committed to divorce. In the meantime I am trying to be as supportive as I can be, both for her sake, being a new mom, and for my babies sake.

    Regardless of what happens with us, I know the factors that lead to my actions need to be corrected. Its time I start doing the right things in life.
  4. RTE

    RTE New Member

    Well I made it one week so far.

    Still feel really down about my marriage situation, and its harder and harder to see her when I go to see my baby. Have had lots of urges due to stress, or missing her, but I've held them off for now.

    Also set up my home gym at my current place. Will be nice to get back into a regular gym schedule.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Hey @RTE . So sorry to hear about your situation man. That's really hard. You seem to be responding really well. I've learned that these painful situations can be for our good. Disillusionment is good. It helps us to come to terms with those serious character flaws we'd rather sweep under the rug. If you can commit to this, like you said, it will be better for your child in the long run, and for your life as a whole. I do hope your wife comes around to the idea of reconciliation. Much strength to you on this journey. Keep posting. Such a simple forum but I've found it hugely helpful as I've gone from using PMO as a daily crutch to far fewer petty indulgences. Let's stay the course in 2021.
  6. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck with this, RTE. Just like Rudolf, I think you have a good mindset to face this situation. I think you are in for a good recovery.
  7. I haven't faced your situation but the best advice and support I can offer is give your wife some time. She is hurt at a time when she is going through a massive change in life (new baby). Couples therapy may give her some tools (and you as well) to work through her own grief, frustration and surprise and more to forgiveness.
  8. RTE

    RTE New Member

    Thank you for your words everyone. I have to stop thinking about what will happen with us. Its not in my control right now.

    I woke up at 5:45 today but didn't start my day until 7. Since then I've fixed the microwave so now I don't have to buy a new one, put my clothes away from the dryer, did yoga. Time to clean the kitchen and head out to pick up some stuff I need.

    It starts with one step forward. Then its a matter of letting that momentum build.

    Today is day 8 of PMO and I'm going to make it a productive one.
    Shady, NewStart19 and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  9. RTE

    RTE New Member

    Day 10.
    Have managed 3 straight days of yoga in the morning, and I always feel better after. Some stronger urges lately, with times where my mind has wandered too far into thinking about sex, but I've managed to ride them out and move past them.

    Today was hard seeing my wife while I was visiting my son. She just looked so attractive, and I would give anything for just one more hug. Has been very tough to focus on anything except thoughts about her, our past, and especially our sex life. Very hard to get past these thoughts.

    Might be the first time I actually just need to take a cold shower.
    Shady likes this.
  10. RTE

    RTE New Member

    Relapse this morning. Everything was going so well.

    After trying to weather my feelings towards my wife during my visit, near the end of my time at home she discovered I had done something that broke her trust all over again. Resulted in her angrily asking me to leave immediately. Left me feeling rejected and hopeless about our future together. That has always been a trigger for me, whenever I feel very intimate or attracted towards her, and it seems like things are on an upwards trajectory (while we were together, this meant heading towards having sex, right now, this means heading towards possible reconciliation), if she becomes mad at me and that trajectory is disrupted, I turn to porn. It is not a healthy way to cope with those situations. If I don't learn how to deal with those situations, porn will always plague my relationships whenever they get rocky. It doesn't allow me to acknowledge my wrongdoings, it doesn't allow me to communicate and properly apologize for my actions, and it doesn't allow me to learn how to properly cope with my feelings. I will find myself repeating this cycle if I don't focus on what I did wrong, and make sure I don't do it again.

    I'm not going to stay down about this though. It might be day 1 for the counter, but its not day 1 for the reboot process. I've gained alot of insight in the past week, I gained alot of insight from this incident, and I've already taken the steps to becoming a healthier, more productive individual. So the only direction to go is to pick myself up and continue forward. Stick to my morning routine, stick to being productive, and now, focus on how to deal with rejection without turning to porn.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Good Job! Keep going despite of the relapse.
  12. RTE

    RTE New Member

    I know I am new to this reboot process, but here are some things I've found for myself so far that might help others. Always try to remember your situation is unique, so don't get discouraged if your experience isn't the same.

    I started PMO 13 days ago, with a relapse 2 mornings ago. I didn't spend hours looking at porn, nor did I look at anything specific - it was pretty standard as far as porn goes, and I was done within 10 minutes.

    The relapse did not reset my progress. I still have confidence, I still have energy, and I am still committed to changing myself to be a better person. I think the most important factor to this is that I have been almost hyper-focused on replacing not only porn, but internet and other time-wasting activities, with productive activities. Its been 13 days of making sure I am only feeding my mind positive, healthy activities. The unique situation I find myself in with regards to my life does make this easier in some ways, in that focusing on recovering from cheating on her gives me another productive activity to do.

    A typical day for me has been to wake up around 5:45, although I don't get out of bed until 6:30-7am. Alot of this time is spent feeling lonely, i'll be honest. I miss my wife. I browse the internet, sometimes I hit the emergency button, not because I have urges, but it will take me to some random motivational content. Sometimes I do wake up with urges, but so far they have been minor and I haven't actually had to fight them off. Once I've convinced myself to start the day, I make breakfast, and while I eat breakfast I have been watching youtube videos about affair recovery. Trying to understand where I went wrong, trying to make sure I don't make the same mistakes, and trying to uncover faults in myself that I may be blind to. After breakfast, I do 15-30 minutes of yoga. Some days I don't feel like it, and I've told myself, the best thing to do when I don't want to do yoga, is to do yoga. After yoga I always feel more energized, more calm, and more ready to be productive and tackle the day. I actually felt motivated to write this after a yoga session.

    Depending on the day, after yoga, is either a workout, or working on my recovery activities on recovery nation. I've also had the fortune of being able to go to my house to visit with my baby, which usually takes up around 5 hours of my day. This is also time spent with my wife, just talking about anything that comes to mind.

    After my visit, I've had chores to tackle - groceries, or buying other items I need for my new living situation. Then its dinner and some leisure time, but I'm usually tired by 9:30 and I go to sleep for 10pm.

    I don't know how this would go if I didn't have that huge amount of time in the day where I was with my wife and baby, to be honest. That would be alot of time to fill. I go back to work on Jan 12, so I know there's at least 10 hours in a day devoted just to that, to keep me away from porn.

    The biggest takeway I myself have taken from this experience, is the focus on being productive, and the ability to be critical of myself as a person. That doesn't mean beating myself up and thinking I am a loser, or a bad person, or anything like that. I'm a good person that has made bad choices. There's a good person in all of us, it just might take some digging to find them. Replacing those urges and cravings for porn with actual fulfilling activities. Re-programming the brain to crave a workout, or yoga, or the knowledge I'm gaining about self-improvement through affair recovery and recovery nation. Its not as simple as just telling yourself you will stop PMO. PMO didn't cause my problems, it was a symptom. If I simply cut it out of my life, I'm still left with all of my problems that lead me back to porn constantly.

    The analogy I made in my mind was this - There are many gardens in life. They need to be tended to, which is hard work. The fruit and vegetables you harvest from those gardens will always taste so much better than any other fruit or vegetable out there, but you have to tend to your garden.

    In the case of sex and my marriage, Porn wasn't even like buying fruit from the store. It was literally just eating fruit snacks. Taste really good - but have literally no nutritional benefit at all. I should have been tending to the garden of my marriage.

    Stop eating fruit snacks. Figure out which gardens are important to you, and tend to them.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  13. RTE

    RTE New Member

    So its been a few days - things got busy with helping out with the baby at home. Nothing changed too much on that front - but that's ok. I understand better now what my wife is going through and I know I need to give her time and space to work through everything on her own terms. I am not owed anything.

    Was told to read a great book called "Out of the Doghouse" in regards to infidelity, and so far its helped paint a clearer picture about the gravity of my actions. I absolutely did commit infidelity and I absolutely crushed my wife by doing so. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong - which has been sort of the issue. Most of my family wants to sweep this issue under the rug as if it was just a mistake. It was not. It was a series of bad choices that I willingly made, with no regard for my wife's feelings.

    That's the problem with a porn addiction isn't it? At least for me. I was always so focused on myself. Porn is just a symptom of that though. Maybe it caused those self-involved and selfish tendencies to amplify, because my mind was always craving that high that porn gives, that nothing else can every compare too.

    I do know it definitely plagued my relationship for a long time. Simple things - wife wants to have a date night at home with some drinks, and I don't want to drink because I read before how alcohol effects protein synthesis and recovery. Sure, I work out regularly, but I'm not an athlete or professional bodybuilder, I can just have a nice evening of drinks with my wife. There's so many small things I can think of where I put myself or my desires first, rather than just thinking about what she needs. Most of the time, what she needed was quality time with her husband. That's it.

    Never again though. I refuse to let myself be that person ever again. It's still going well with restraining from PMO - had some urges yesterday morning but I was able to focus on other activities enough that it never led to anything. Installed a porn blocking app on my laptop as well as my phone, and my wife set the pin so I can't turn it off or uninstall it.

    I have to get past this obsession with sex and porn. I have to stop thinking about the things I used to enjoy, I have to stop thinking about how I miss my wife in that regard - none of it is healthy for me right now. There will be a time when I can re-engage with that stuff in a healthy manner, but I am not there yet.
    Rudolf Geyse and NewStart19 like this.
  14. Good for you. I finally came to the same conclusion that I've been super arrogant and selfish my whole life and I'm on a journey to fix that.

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