Not excited by vaginal sex! Any advice?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by saperus, Dec 28, 2015.

  1. saperus

    saperus New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am very close to posting a success story here -- almost three years after starting to combat my porn addiction, I am basically porn-free and am together with a girl I really like.

    I have a niggling issue though. She lives far away, so we only got to spend one night together so far. I was nervous (virgin), tired and flatlining, so I didn't perform. It was OK though; I told her that I might need some time and she seemed very understanding.

    I'm about to see her for longer, and I'm more worried now. I started watching porn at the age of about 12 and quite quickly, I got turned on only by seeing anal sex. I eventually even had HOCD, though I am quite certain I'm only attracted to girls, really. I absolutely love petting and making out. I am hoping that once I actually try it, the sensations will make me get into vaginal sex quickly, but I am disconcerted that it doesn't seem to turn me on that much at the moment.

    Is there anyone here who has been through this and could share some experiences?

  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Keep rebooting. The earlier you got exposed to porn, the deeper the "porn circuits" in your brain - and the longer it takes to over ride them.

    And rewire. Rebooting is necessary but insufficient. You will need some time with your girlfriend so that your brain associates vaginal sex with "normal" sex (without getting into a debate about what is normal and what isn't).

    And keep hope :)
  3. saperus

    saperus New Member

    Thanks so much Newnes for the encouraging words!

    I just got worried because picturing sex in a visual pornographic way didn't do much for me. I just realised though that when I remember what my time with her was like -- the touches, the smells, the sounds... I got pretty hard straight away. I feel much more confident now, though I realise I may still need time to rewire.

    I guess this just shows that porn and real life are far apart. Exciting things in real life are completely different from those in pornography, and I don't think preferences from one necessarily imply preferences in the other.
  4. tostadora

    tostadora New Member


    I'm experiencing something similar to you. I only watched anal sex (vaginal sex was boring) and, despite not suffering HOCD, I was a virgin previous to rebooting.

    It has been a year now of porn, and I'm not longer a virgin, but I have real trouble enjoying vaginal sex. I can barely finish, also.

    In my case, I'm blaming my goal focused mentality. I'm so concentrated on being a good lover, that I don't let myself feel and get lost in the experience. That's a real mood killer.

    That doesn't happen to me with cuddling or making out, mainly because I did lots of those when I was watching porn, and that wasn't depicted in porn, so I had nothing to "learn" from it. So, being able to learn normally, I instinctively know what I like or not when cuddling or making out, but I don't know that in sex.

    So my theory is that I don't enjoy sex, being anal, vaginal or oral. In the case of anal, I'm hypothesizing, because I haven't had, but in the case of oral I can assure you that I get no pleasure at all from it.

    I'm focusing now on being more present when I have sex and letting things happen. To let go and not to control. I don't know if that's going to be successful. I hope so.

    In the meantime, keep us updated about your progress.
  5. Giuseppe Garibaldi

    Giuseppe Garibaldi [url=

    Like tostadora,I think the best way is to enjoy the moment and the sensations of sex.Be present in what you are doing and accept what will come.Try to be patient with yourself and do things with your girls.
  6. Heyula

    Heyula New Member

    Well, first time sex is a let down for most people, because it doesn't hold up to the expectations. And most people usually have a stage fright in their first time. Nevertheless, that shouldn't be an obstacle to perform the act.
    To me, it seems like your penises are sensitive to pressure, not to touch. I mean, you get a better erection if you squeeze your penis more than what a vaginae would, right?
  7. prostate-orgasm

    prostate-orgasm New Member

    Maybe where expecting to much from sex, it does not have to be fantastic, being ok is enough. But yiu should still try anal(yourself/she).
    This is why many men like anal, having a large penis should help also.
  8. saperus

    saperus New Member

    Hi guys,

    So here's an update: I spent a while with my gf. Mixed success I guess -- I had a difficult time getting hard at first, but towards the end, I got hard easily just by looking at her and was incredibly aroused by her, so I guess that's great. Weirdly though I'm not super-buzzed by having intercourse. We did it a few times, but I'm just so inexperienced! I had a hard time finding the place to enter (which was a real buzzkill for me), and the times I did, I came pretty quickly (I was not trying to last long, I was just trying to stay hard). It did feel pretty good, but the whole experience was still quite nerve-wracking and I feel like I'm not very good at it. I was most comfortable just petting and getting a handjob from her, but I am scared that that's weird.

    Now we have to spend some time apart again and I am a bit worried. I feel like I should be super-aroused by the idea of intercourse, and I sort of am, but I'm also not confident about my skills and really worried I wouldn't stay hard because of my anxiety. I was also really worried that I am actually not that turned on by seeing a vagina, but I am relieved to find from browsing the web that it looks like many guys don't really like the look of it.

    I guess at the back of my mind I keep wondering whether I'm secretly gay (HOCD I guess). It's true that I am more turned on by anal, but I absolutely adore my gf and get hard easily -- it's just that I'm not confident about my sex skills. It doesn't help that my gf is a fair bit older and much more experienced.

    I'd appreciate any words of encouragement and advice...
  9. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    If you were gay you would be interested in anal sex with men. Being into anal sex is not a bad thing BUT you should be turned on by sex itself which is usually vaginal. I am not a guy but it seems to me like you are just so focused on HOW sex is going to come about. When I have sex I am not thinking about how we are going to have sex and whether or not I am going to get turned on. I am in it to enjoy the experience and have fun. Vaginas and penis's are hideous but it's who they are attached to and how it turns the other person on that makes them arousing. You seem to be thinking only of you and your own pleasure. You are up in your head during sex and I have a sneaking suspicion your girl is not very turned on during sex. If she was making lots of noise and having a great time, vaginal sex would probably be a bigger turn on for you. Most women cannot cum from vaginal sex so becoming masterful at other things or finding positions that work for both of you is very important.

    Does any of this make sense? I find that many guys who grow up on porn are looking for a fixed A+B+D=Orgasm type of sexual experience. Everything has to go according to a mathematical algorithm for sex to be awesome. She has to turn you on instead of trying to turn her on. Sex should be awesome because you are experiencing intimacy with another human being. she is baring herself to you and opening up to you in a vulnerable way and you to her. Unfortunately all of that innocence has been destroyed because of porn.
  10. I think you're being too hard on him by saying his girl is not very turned on during sex. He's inexperienced, after all.
    Men are under so much pressure to perform nowadays, due to messages in porn and in the mainstream media. Women want a "stud": someone that will take control in the bedroom and send her into ecstasy. And for this, he needs to be HARD, and he needs to be good at PENETRATION. And he must simply KNOW: he needs to be able to be great in bed without her needing to tell him how to do anything. That's the worst part of it. A sexually confident, dominant stud doesn't need to be told what to do.
    Masturbation and oral are seen as just appetizers. They are not really important compared to the main event, which is penetrative sex.

    I know this is a terrible way to think about sex, but the fact is that so many women themselves appear to buy into this message. It doesn't matter to them if their boyfriend can eat pussy like a champ and is willing to do it for hours every day: if he has ED, then she'll ALWAYS be insecure. It's like a type of OCD: she will only feel validated if he has a strong erection, no matter how much he is able to please her in other ways.
    And no matter how much he can make her laugh.

    To saperus, please don't let my words discourage you. The best way to defeat this attitude is through communication and openness. Tell her that she drives you wild when you see her naked. Tell her that you love it when she gives you a handjob, and that you love petting, even more than actual sex (which is not weird at all! I also love foreplay and cunnilingus much more than actual sex). Tell her that you love her body so much that you just want to explore every inch of it for hours with your hands and mouth. Focus on your most comfortable activities and let her know what they are. If she's a good girl, she will want to do that more because she will want to please you. Then let her tell you what her favorite activities are, and try to please her that way too. Good sex is all about teamwork, and that requires communication and coordination, just like other teamwork activities.
  11. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    holdontoyerhats I wasn't meaning to be hard on him just giving him some constructive feedback from a female perspective. I spent a lot of time with my husband trying to recover from PIED and his resulting anxiety issues so I might know what I am talking about. My husband spent a lot of time worried about his erection and not about mutual pleasure. I think that is key to rewiring. I also understand the pressure guys face. Women face pressure too, to be turned on 24/7 by anything. Lets just say porn has made a mess of things.

    I agree with your post. Open communication is key!!
  12. And I'm very grateful for your posts here, Bibbity. It's great to be able to hear what a real woman thinks, aside from the distorted messages that porn and the media feed us men. The pressure on us is rapidly increasing, almost to the same extent as women. We are being sexually objectified too, but in a different way: pressure to be "alpha/dominant", financially successful, having a large penis that lasts for ages, and lots of well-defined muscle. That's why a lot of fringe groups such as MGTOW keep popping up. As a man with a small penis I decided to opt-out of these messages rather than feel sorry for myself, and focused more on the woman's pleasure rather than my own. Early on in my porn use I gravitated more towards lesbians and cunnilingus. Now I see the vagina as one of the most beautiful sights in the world to look at. Giving sexual pleasure to a woman can be intensely pleasurable, whether or not I am being stimulated myself. This is a fact that, unfortunately, a lot of men miss.
  13. karyehs

    karyehs Member

    I think you do not really understand the MGTOW movement. It is "Men Go Their Own Way" instead of "Men Worship The Holy Vagina(tm)".

    If you (as a man) go YOUR own way, then you live up to that. If you want to be "pussywhipped" or "alpha" - or whatever. As long as you do it for yourself and your happiness; it's cool.

    In a more general way the movement is about awareness of the "legal shortcomings" of men in (1st world) society; for example some quota's in jobs, wage gap myth(s), marriage, court, social pressures, etc.. The social rules for women and men are simply different. (In my language there is a saying along the line of: "Who cries; is right.")

    __ That aside; I think (my way :p) men should seek for their own pleasure; and there is much pleasure in the pleasure of others.

    Whatever emotion you see in someone else; you'll feel to some degree, too. So if you are horny; your partner will get horny, too. And reversed. Obviously it is way more complicated. But in reality it is simple. If you are interested in Neuroscience, you can start with wikipedia and then go for other literature:

    Mhmm; have you tried thinking more primitive? I don't mean thinking in words but in concepts... For me it is immensely erotic when I think about the possibilitie to impregnate the girl in front of me. Not thinking about the consequences; just the concept of that "weird" part about humanity and life in general makes something awake in myself... It is the most normal thing; but somehow weird and kinda taboo here...
  14. You did not understand the meaning of my post. I do not identify with MGTOW. I think the very fact that I love vagina disqualifies me from that movement!
    I meant that the movement arose partly as a response to the increasingly unrealistic image standards that males have to meet in order to be seen as "desirable". Many MGTOW guys experience something called True Forced Loneliness because they can't compete in the dating market.
  15. karyehs

    karyehs Member

    I did not think you identify yourself with MGTOW. My point was that you do not understand it (the "movement").

    Most men "love vagina". But the "men who go their own way" do not like the idea of the female around the vagina have special rights in procreation, dating and court. With "rights" I mean legal rights to get "educational and live with your children" plus financial support. That is hugely in favor for women. If you have children with a women; she has the law enforced power to forbid or at least heavily restrict your "rights" to see and educate your children. And she can get your money (for the children ofc ;)) - no matter if she earns less or more.

    There are probably many women who aren't even aware of the possibilitie (lol) or would never use it in their favor. But it is a big risk that every male should be aware of.

    And a bit more ontopic; instincts makes us love females and their genitals. But many people don't embrace their instincts, because there is a stigma that insticts are "bad". You should not act out of every single instinctive impulse, but sexuality is purely about instinct and learned behavour. - A male instinct for example is to impregnate fertile females(is the word felines better here, or is it only used for other animals than humans?).

Share This Page