PREVIOUS LIFE age 8-12 I figured out internet porn. At this point i did not have my own computer so i watched internet porn like a couple times a week. I remember starting far before i even developed sperm. O's at that time where so intense that i had to stop Masterbating while Oing. At this time it was getting harder for me to just be happy. I started thinking more and more about my self and start building up a dislike for my self. School was getting way harder to attend and the days seemed to get less interesting and boring. socializing did not come naturally anymore because i started over thinking everything. However i still had friends that i maintained. age 12-16 I got my own computer and started PMOing daily. Sometimes several times a day and sometimes i skipped a few. I changed school and had a lot of trouble finding new friends. I did have a group where i was with when i was on school but we never did anything outside of school. I never toughed of it that way but i guess i was friends with the group of nerds every school has. I started gaming non-stop and in between PMOing. I started getting depressed and developed an extreme low self esteem. At around the age of 13/14 i started having my first suicidal thoughts. I started thinking how much better off i would be if i was just dead and created ideas to end my life. I was starting to get really depressed as all i wanted was to find a girlfriend. But all trough this period i never got the guts to even converse with woman to much. I also created an image of my self that girls would never like me or find me attractive. age 16-20 Start of college. New school new chances so i toughed. Still gaming heavily and PMOing on avarage once a day. Self esteem still none and suicidal toughs hop in to my head from time to time. Also i get no connection with girls while that is everything i want. My one and only dream is just to get a girlfriend. Also i lost almost all my social skill and turned in to that quiet little nervous boy that does not speak much and sits behind his computer all the time. I rarely get social contact with my class mates and get no connection with them. I feel terrible and blame everything on my self. I hate myself and feel like i completely lost in life just by becoming me. On top of that i find out that i have a small penis which is not doing my depression any good. I never even kissed a girl till 19 and that time was terrible. I feel like a complete failure and get very depressed whenever anyone talks about girls or tells their experience. I try to avoid those conversations. I also start smoking weed at age 19 and god I LOVE weed. It just makes me not care for a while. Very soon i will get addicted. Then finally a break! I meet this beautiful girl online and we hit it off instantly. Because of all that Porn i watched i had no nerve or trouble with sex whatsoever. First time i remember thinking to myself wtf, is this it? Because of the lack of feeling i did not cum. But what an amazing feeling to be relieved of virginity. And better so she became my gf for almost a year. Pretty much the best time of my life. While i loved having sex with her. And had no ED or PE. And believed to be rather good at having sex. I still got bored quite fast. My thoughts wore away to other things and i need to imagine other girls or sex to keep myself interested. During this whole relationship i still watched porn. And had no idea that that might be the problem. I still have some friends whom i hang out with and go clubbing with. This really helped me after my break-up with my gf. age 20-22 I lost my gf due to circumstances. She does not want to keep in touch and i get very depressed again. I start smoking weed every day. I gain incredible social skills again after using Ecstasy. XTC is one of the best things that ever happened to me. During this time i make a lot of friends and do ALOT of drugs. xtc, speed, mushrooms, weed, hash, cocaine and many more drugs. But i do not gain anything with girls. I don't feel like trying to meet girls and trying to get them to like me. While my friends have no trouble getting girls to have sex with them. I kinda lose my self in drugs. And get huge depressions. Al tough i gained a lot of social skills. I need to drag my self to social stuff and just want to sit on the couch all day and smoke weed. Only energy i get is from drugs. Mostly cocaine speed and Ecstasy. I hate socializing and talking to other people however i still do it because i don't want to get isolated. I start hating myself more and more and lose all self esteem i build up with my ex gf. Suicidal thoughts start to pop in to my head again and i actually start browsing the internet on the best ways to end my life. I still PMO every day but not for fun. Just because i have to. I watch a porno and mostly O within a minute and then go on with watching tv. I don't do anything. Just sit at home watch tv. I failed my education and have no idea what i want to do with my life. Looking for work goes slowly and only makes me more depressed. GOALS - Get out of my depression. (very good progress since 01-01-2016!) - Stop smoking, smoking weed and doing drugs. (since 01-01-2016) - Find a job or start another study. (FT job since 01-08-2015) - Start jogging and start getting fitter after all. Also i want to do fight sports to give me more self esteem. I can only start fight sports after i get a job because that will cost some money. - Pay back the +-8000 dept i have at the moment. (just 1500 more left) - Get out of my own created isolement and start love spending time with friends and family again. - I want to get a girlfriend who i can love. New goals since February 2016 - Be able to approach girls and ask them out if i find them attractive. - Start eating healthier. - Get out of my head. - Buy my own house/apartment.