NOFAP might save me from my heavy depression

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by vetred, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. vetred

    vetred New Member


    age 8-12
    I figured out internet porn. At this point i did not have my own computer so i watched internet porn like a couple times a week. I remember starting far before i even developed sperm. O's at that time where so intense that i had to stop Masterbating while Oing. At this time it was getting harder for me to just be happy. I started thinking more and more about my self and start building up a dislike for my self. School was getting way harder to attend and the days seemed to get less interesting and boring. socializing did not come naturally anymore because i started over thinking everything. However i still had friends that i maintained.

    age 12-16
    I got my own computer and started PMOing daily. Sometimes several times a day and sometimes i skipped a few. I changed school and had a lot of trouble finding new friends. I did have a group where i was with when i was on school but we never did anything outside of school. I never toughed of it that way but i guess i was friends with the group of nerds every school has. I started gaming non-stop and in between PMOing. I started getting depressed and developed an extreme low self esteem. At around the age of 13/14 i started having my first suicidal thoughts. I started thinking how much better off i would be if i was just dead and created ideas to end my life. I was starting to get really depressed as all i wanted was to find a girlfriend. But all trough this period i never got the guts to even converse with woman to much. I also created an image of my self that girls would never like me or find me attractive.

    age 16-20
    Start of college. New school new chances so i toughed. Still gaming heavily and PMOing on avarage once a day. Self esteem still none and suicidal toughs hop in to my head from time to time. Also i get no connection with girls while that is everything i want. My one and only dream is just to get a girlfriend. Also i lost almost all my social skill and turned in to that quiet little nervous boy that does not speak much and sits behind his computer all the time. I rarely get social contact with my class mates and get no connection with them. I feel terrible and blame everything on my self. I hate myself and feel like i completely lost in life just by becoming me. On top of that i find out that i have a small penis which is not doing my depression any good. I never even kissed a girl till 19 and that time was terrible. I feel like a complete failure and get very depressed whenever anyone talks about girls or tells their experience. I try to avoid those conversations. I also start smoking weed at age 19 and god I LOVE weed. It just makes me not care for a while. Very soon i will get addicted.
    Then finally a break! I meet this beautiful girl online and we hit it off instantly. Because of all that Porn i watched i had no nerve or trouble with sex whatsoever. First time i remember thinking to myself wtf, is this it? Because of the lack of feeling i did not cum. But what an amazing feeling to be relieved of virginity. And better so she became my gf for almost a year. Pretty much the best time of my life. While i loved having sex with her. And had no ED or PE. And believed to be rather good at having sex. I still got bored quite fast. My thoughts wore away to other things and i need to imagine other girls or sex to keep myself interested. During this whole relationship i still watched porn. And had no idea that that might be the problem. I still have some friends whom i hang out with and go clubbing with. This really helped me after my break-up with my gf.

    age 20-22
    I lost my gf due to circumstances. She does not want to keep in touch and i get very depressed again. I start smoking weed every day. I gain incredible social skills again after using Ecstasy. XTC is one of the best things that ever happened to me. During this time i make a lot of friends and do ALOT of drugs. xtc, speed, mushrooms, weed, hash, cocaine and many more drugs. But i do not gain anything with girls. I don't feel like trying to meet girls and trying to get them to like me. While my friends have no trouble getting girls to have sex with them. I kinda lose my self in drugs. And get huge depressions. Al tough i gained a lot of social skills. I need to drag my self to social stuff and just want to sit on the couch all day and smoke weed. Only energy i get is from drugs. Mostly cocaine speed and Ecstasy. I hate socializing and talking to other people however i still do it because i don't want to get isolated. I start hating myself more and more and lose all self esteem i build up with my ex gf. Suicidal thoughts start to pop in to my head again and i actually start browsing the internet on the best ways to end my life. I still PMO every day but not for fun. Just because i have to. I watch a porno and mostly O within a minute and then go on with watching tv. I don't do anything. Just sit at home watch tv. I failed my education and have no idea what i want to do with my life. Looking for work goes slowly and only makes me more depressed.

    - Get out of my depression. (very good progress since 01-01-2016!)
    - Stop smoking, smoking weed and doing drugs. (since 01-01-2016)
    - Find a job or start another study. (FT job since 01-08-2015)
    - Start jogging and start getting fitter after all. Also i want to do fight sports to give me more self esteem. I can only start fight sports after i get a job because that will cost some money.
    - Pay back the +-8000 dept i have at the moment. (just 1500 more left)
    - Get out of my own created isolement and start love spending time with friends and family again.
    - I want to get a girlfriend who i can love.

    New goals since February 2016
    - Be able to approach girls and ask them out if i find them attractive.
    - Start eating healthier.
    - Get out of my head.
    - Buy my own house/apartment.
  2. qrayzhd

    qrayzhd New Member

    Re: age 22 NOFAP might solve my heavy depression

    The only proof you need to know that you haven't got a small penis is the fact that you had sex with a girl and kept her for almost a year. I hope you realize that now.
    Wow. If you can do that then you can certainly do NOFAP.
    I remember doing the same thing, after years of sadness and confusion about what was wrong with me, a youtube video changed everything, all of sudden i knew what was wrong with me and that i wasn't the only one, the thing holding me back in life was porn. 137 days later my sadness, anxiety and brain fog have all been cured. In fact i noticed a massive improvement after only 30 days.

    Given everything you have been through i would say you are well prepared to tackle this problem head on and i wish you the best of luck.
  3. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Re: age 22 NOFAP might solve my heavy depression

    Thank you very much for reading my post and commenting on it.
    I was the first one of that gf that she had sex with, so she had no comparing. I do know that i am smaller but that only caused insecurity's in the past. I know i does not affect me from having a good sex life. Also i have a deformity that causes way more of my insecurity's right now.

    Good to read that you are already having succes with blocking porn out of your life. You are an example for me and many others just starting out.
  4. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Today was a good day.
    I really feel welcome on this forum and feel comforted by reactions i get and other peoples stories.

    Today i smiled and laughed and interacted with friends and family. When going out to the city i saw a girl from my high school. While normally i would look away and try to avoid contact because that always made me nervous. I automatically smiled and said hi. Also i noticed the young and good looking cashier girl's eyeballs follow me all around the store. Strange, that never happens to me!

    I am having problems sleeping tough! takes me several hours to finally fall asleep. And then i notice that 6/7 hours sleep is more then enough. This might also because i stopped smoking weed. I really loved smoking weed. I used to have sleeping problems before and weed healed all those problems instantly.
    I am awake all day instead of tired and sleepy and withdrawn in my head. I enjoy interactions more with other people.
    I feel fit and want to do stuff. Normally i sit in my room and watch tv and me mad about those long lasting commercials and reruns of shows. While i want to get out of my room now and converse with family and friends and start looking for stuff i want to do.

    10 days and going strong!
  5. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Just relapsed,
    I was so confident to beat this and was feeling so good. And it all fucking means nothing. Just one small trigger and its all gone. FUCK FUCK FUCk
    Im done, i just want to fucking die i don't give a shit anymore. Life is to fucking hard for me.

    GOD i feel terrible, I never believed that i really was addicted until now. I just saw it as a bad habit. Well i'm gonna cry myself to sleep, goodnight!
  6. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Guess you have to relapse at least once to wake up your mind on how you actually were feeling before you started NOFAP. Slept like a baby which is the only positive thing. I feel tired, sad, depressed and don't want to do anything today. So here we go,second run starting from day 1 again. Let's do this shit.

    I am still very positive about the fact that i now realize what is wrong with me and what i can do about it.
  7. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Somehow now i have realized that porn is the problem i have had a more difficult time substaining from it. Normally i would just PMO when want and not think about it at all. Realizing that that caused me to be unhappy keeps reminding me of this.

    Still have not smoked or done any drugs. I feel like i might have to cut alcohol out too because that normally triggers me. I'm not ready for that yet because that will be way more difficult then anything else.

    I installed K9 on my pc with a random email and password and once i know its installed correctly i will throw away the password. Then i only have my smartphone to worry about. Anyone has tips for a smartphone to block out porn sites?

    I'm only on 2 days, first days seem to go really slow. That's kinda demotivating.

    On my goals i have been to a bar and jogged a couple of times in the past week. The sporting is completely new to me.
  8. vetred

    vetred New Member

    First days have been relatively easy. Got some urges to FAP but i can manage not to. I sleep until the end of the morning. I want to go back were i wake up at 8/9 and then don't need any more sleep. I guess that will only be a couple more days. I'm almost at 4 days and starting to feel better already.

    Today i signed myself up for a dating website, so i'll just see if something could possibly come from that. I don't have the chance to go out that much anymore.

    Looking for work is really depressing, there are like no fun jobs out there. Only jobs that are available are packaging or operating a machine or something. And even those reject me. I just don't understand. I am very good at making up my CV and motivational letters. In many cases i don't even get a response.

    Oh yeah, i got many of self made nudes and sex video's of my ex. I looked at one shortly today. I really don't want to delete these but it is not wise to watch them right now. I didn't M tough, which is new to me.
  9. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    Dating sites can give you triggers, dirty talking, photos, and usually you will find yourself all the time looking for new girls, which leads to the chaser effect. I had past experiences with dating sites before, the only thing I got was relapses.

    I would advise you to stay away from anything that can possibly give "pixel" sexual stimulation.

    Also, becareful with the tought "no fap will cure might cure my depression", PMO is not the reason why you have depression, go to a professional to have a proper treatment to it.
  10. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Thnx for the input barristan

    The main reason of my depression is that i have been single for way to long. I remember that i was happy with a gf. So i figure i should do anything to get to that point again. I can always delete the profile if i feel it gives me to much stimulation. But i'd just like to try and find this out for myself. Thnx for the warning.

    I have been thinking about professional help a lot but i think i'm just to scared to do that. I don't live on myself so i will eventually have to tell people where i am going, and i'm just not ready to tell people how i always have felt. If you are depressed from such an young age you get really good at hiding it for everyone. And i don't want to be like the failure of the family or something. All my relatives do well, are in relationships got good jobs and such and make it good on themselves.
  11. vetred

    vetred New Member

    in the past couple of days i smoked cigarettes and weed once. And masturbated once. No porn. I got drunk and lost all willpower. Then smoked and finally gave in and jacked off. I really need to cut out alcohol for this to work but cutting out alcohol almost seems impossible. Other thing is i got a skin condition on my penis and need to lube it up twice a day. Once i do that i get quite aroused and get the feeling to masturbate. This really sucks but i have to do this for at least 8 more weeks.
  12. vetred

    vetred New Member

    I am starting to realize how hard it is to completely abstain from everything. Mostly alcohol is my trigger but i'm not ready to cut that out yet. I also used a little soft drugs the past couple of days. Nothing serious.

    I am starting to realize that when your browsing the internet and Facebook for a great amount of time. It is almost impossible to not get triggered. I am thinking of cutting out Facebook but that will make me feel so left out for some reason.
  13. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Sooo, i'm back.
    January i orgasm 6 times and watched porn 4 times. And in February i orgasm 5 times and watched porn 3 times. So i am going to try and get at least one less of both every next month. If this will work ill cut out completely within a couple of months.

    I notice that it is working quite well for me. I start thinking about porn and masturbating much less. I only still got some weak moments, while i'm not sober, or while i'm in the shower or just saw a picture or video of hot chicks on Facebook or YouTube or something. Thinking of cutting out Facebook, but not yet haha. Ever since i realized that porn might be the problem of my social problems and possible PE, (When watching porn or masturbating i always finish really fast, also with a prostitute a while ago.) I see the consequences and most of the times that is enough to not do it.
    Also I am feeling a lot better lately and try to get better at social things. Try to speak up even when you don't want to. This is not really going fast because i am still unemployed. It is really difficult finding a job right now. But even if it's not fast it's still going. And i'm glad with that.

    Response is always welcome!
  14. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Argh, just relapsed again. Just cant get over those 2 weeks.
  15. vetred

    vetred New Member

    So i have been away for a while now. It was a good thing not to read YBOP too much because my mind is thinking about P less and less. I just reached 10 days and got to 2 weeks before that. I get the feeling that streaks are easier and easier to get to. Somehow the entire approaches feels different. It doesn't feel like i'm abstaining from P anymore. The pressure of not watching P has just vanished in the last couple of weeks. I only watched once in 10 or 14 days and then started over again.
    I have been noticing that i'm getting wet dreams. I never used to have them. They appear when i'm O free for about 7-10 days. The weird thing is i got massive PE in those dreams. In the dreams i always O during foreplay. That's making me a little more nervous for when i get with a girl again. I never had PE with my last gf. but after that i have been sexless for a while. And i noticed that the longer i watched porn the quicker i O with PMO and MO. So i'm quite anxious about getting with a girl again. However abstaining from O gives me some great benefits. I notice that i am sharper in live and more focused on getting with the other sex. Before i was just sad depressed not doing anything because why the fuck would they want to be with me. Now I'm just enjoying the experience i get with girls when i talk to them in the club or city or something. I also feel that my look has changed. My eyes used to look scared and sad when interacting with people in general. Now i just smile in some sort of way and feel like i look more confident.
    I never really started with the dating sites, its seems to expensive and you get to little in return. I want to do this on my own.

    Also i got a job !
    I have been working 40 hours a week the past couple of weeks and it's been great! I get more energy interactions with people and of course money. I can start doing things again like going out and do things with friends. Somehow i really missed going to work 5 days a week. Pretty soon i will start running and maybe do some fitness. It is a slow progress, but hey! at least it's going in the right direction.

    Drugs keeps being a problem for me. I can't stop smoking, i can't stop smoking weed and i can't get my hands off hard drugs. Everyone i know and all my friends drink, smoke and use drugs. It seems to that drugs is everywhere. I use A LOT less then i used to. That is a plus tough. I went from smoking sometimes a gram a day to 1 to 3 joints a week. I went from doing hard drugs (xtc,speed,coke mainly) almost everyday to 2 or 3 times a month. And i went from drinking everyday to to once or twice a week. To fill this i started smoking more tobacco. I guess only thing i can do is trying use less and less often.

    I feel like this streak is going to last so i'll start posting a little more often!
    Responses are always welcome!
  16. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Relapsed a couple of days ago. Weird how you can actually believe that your done and relapse a couple of days later. It doesn't feel that terrible as i feel MO'ing once a week also gives me some benefits. Just wish i could get to a year or something.
  17. barristan

    barristan What a terrible night to have a curse.

    I think it's completly fine to relapse as long you dont watch pornography or fantasize about it ^^

    But the more you avoid doing it the better.
  18. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Thank you for your reaction, when i relapse i mostly pmo. But i still feel amazing benefits from just doing it once a week or less.

    I have been single and had no contact with girls for over 2 years. Now i kissed with a girl on xtc twice and got to second base, and i think i also have feelings for her. She's coming tonight to smoke a joint and chill in my hammock. I'll just see what happens there :) Then i kissed another girl a couple times while going out and she wants to date me once she's done with her schoolwork this week. I don't really have feelings for her, but what the heck. I'll just go for it. And on top of that i'm chatting with a girl i met years ago and she turned single again and she also would love to start dating very soon. I don't find her that attractive, but i can really use the experience.

    I really believe that this is all due to not jacking off to porn every day. I really have an overflow of energy and enjoy life in general a lot more! I wake up early instead of sleeping all day and just have the energy and the joy to start doing things and working on projects. I have not felt this alive since ever and i have not even gone all-in no PMO. What the hell would happen to me if i can get to a full month or more. Hopefully i will find out very soon ! ;)
    I can honestly say that this has fixed my depression and stopped me from being suicidal.

    Thank the day that i heard about YBOP !!!
  19. vetred

    vetred New Member

    Well, I'm back !

    Have not been here for over half a year.
    Whats new?
    Fucked an unattractive girl that i was dating 3 times. Then she broke contact probably because i cant stay in her for over 30 seconds without O. Why? Porn, that's why! This girl can't be more then "a 3" or something so this i kinda fucked up. Used to be able to fuck for at least 10 minutes with my first gf. I noticed when i'm not watching porn i can jerk of for 20 minutes. But once i put on porn 10/20 seconds and i O. So i want to stop watching porn again. Just masturbating is fine. This is going to be harder then before because my house owner has digital porn channels without child-lock. If u just zap 1 channel to far, there we go, porn. Really got to pay attention when watching tv.

    What else is new? I am making very good progress with my depression! feeling better and better everyday. Probably because i'm almost out of depth, just another 1500 to go! And i got a full time job that pays well. Even looking around for a apartment/house to buy somewhere. I stopped smoking, weed and doing drugs, only 1 little slip in 2016. (oopsie)
    So i crossed off some goals on my first page. Will be adding some new ones in the coming days.

    I never realized how good i was doing since i came back and read my old threat.

    piece out!
  20. vetred

    vetred New Member

    So not watching porn is not that hard to do if i stay sober. M only once in the past 6 days. Haven't watched any porn.

    I have been thinking about some new goals to add on my list.
    - Be able to approach girls and ask them out if i find them attractive.
    Got myself signed up for an seminar with RSD. Also i want to take the Hot Seat at Home program from RSD.
    -Start eating healthier.
    Yesterday i bought a book called "the 150 healthiest foods on earth" by Jonny Bowden. Going to read in to that and see if i can change my eating habits and start eating healthier. Try to eat less kebab and such. Also have been thinking about buying a nutribullet. So i can eat a fruitshake every morning instead of bread.
    - Get out of my head.
    I want to get out of my head. Stop the ongoing monologue with myself. Stop projecting myself in different situations in past and furture and let my emotions falsely be affected by these thoughts. Anything that i not happening right here and now should not have an affect on your emotions! I bought a book called "The Power of Now"by Eckhart Tolle. Its a difficult read but it all makes so much sense.
    - Buy my own house/apartment.
    I have been living in a small room for a while now and i want to move. I want to have enough space to fit a little gym/study room with the regular needs of living space. I have an real estate agent helping me look for an apartment or home. I want to live in a bigger city so i can go out during weeks/weekends again and try to get some socializing going on again.

    The sports thing is difficult, i try to jog once in a while and do a little fitness. But i need to do it a lot more. I want to start doing combat sports. I know what kind and where. All i need is the guts to sign up for the class haha.

    So this is it for today!
    see ya later

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