New start after relapse

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ZeeBawn, Feb 22, 2022.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Hi All,
    Starting a new journal to document my fresh commitment to recovery after having an especially bad episode this past weekend.
    After over eight years clean off booze and drugs, I drank and took meth for the first time.
    I have been under stress, but not doing the healthy habits I know have worked.
    Instead, I have been dabbling in PMO with periods of sobriety.
    It culminated in me buying alcohol and then visiting an escort, and then another, who offered me meth.
    The rest of the night was a nightmare, wont go into details now, but in a few short hours the drug had me doing things I am now so ashamed of, due to the influence of the type of p I have watched for so many years.
    But, I hit rock bottom, losing something that gave so much confidence thst I drew from my recovery.
    As I sit at work traumatised by my own actions, I sit with tremendous cravings as well as a trunk full of trash accumulated during my bender of two days without sleep.
    I feel saddened that I feel so dirty that I cant even touch my own child or look people in the eye, or answer simple texts or phone calls.
    I am here once again to seek support from the many on here who struggle and to offer support.
    I sit with feelings of fear, anger, frustration, blaming others and powerlessness.
    But with all the strength in me, I will not allow this slip to become a full blown relapse.
    Take care all, praying for recovery just for today.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  2. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    ZeeBawn I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now but its sounds just about as bad as it can get. You are doing the right thing coming here. I wish you luck and strength today and in the days ahead. All best,
    Old Tom
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thank you friend, that means a lot. Have been doing a lot of reading online about what to expect over the next couple of days in terma of a come down.
    Also, throwing away a lot of stuff in my house, eliminating clutter in general, making a commitment to keep devices out of my sleeping area, once again.
    Also, reaching out to a couple of people in real life and mustering the courage and humility to come clean to my support group and sponsor.
    I start a new job next week and I have so much anxiety about it, although in seven days, if I work recovery, I should be off to a good start, because my experience at the current job has come with a lot of anxiety and trauma.
    Looking forward to a fresh start, but don't want to ruin it before it starts.
    It's a really good job and pays more.
    I have anxiety about blowong it, but also my own actions catching up woth me to sabotage my future.
    Anyway, I just realised, what's done is done, and whatever the outside world may bring, the best course of action, either way, is to really pursue sobriety in all ways.
    There are some details about my sex life and my relationship history that also factor into all this, a lot of guilt and shame fuelling my anxiety and depression.
    But I comtinue to seek a better way, will share more later when i am able to place things in better perspective.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  4. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    My brother,
    i am an alcoholic. haven't had a drop in 18yrs. not saying it to brag but to let you know how difficult it is to remain sober. a couple of things you mentioned in your post-1. just for today-that is all we really have. for today i will do the next right thing that is front of me and it is not watching porn. one foot in front of the other. slow but steady. these todays build up. not only in number but in my fortitude. every little, insignificant as it may seem, deny of this filth makes me stronger. i also have plans and activities when the urges show up. i do something else-now. at the time the urge is screaming at me to open my computer. if i wait and think about it or wrestle with the gorilla, i get my ass kicked every time. alcohol was the hardest thing i had to quit in my life. i thought. porn is much harder. i still struggle with it but never give up.
    you also mentioned dabbling. if you hang around a barbershop long enough you are going to get a haircut.
    anyway, praying for you. hang in there. don't quit before the miracle.
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thank you brother, your words mean a lot and being an alcoholic, I have had to confront the reasons I picked up again and what I was not doing.
    There is a endless of things I have grown into the habit of complaining about, but I realise that will set me back somewhat. I commit to practising gratitude...
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    The good news is that I didn't do any drugs, or cigarettes. I also didn't visit any escorts. But I did binge on p and drank a whole bottle of wine last night.
    Have been sitting with stressful thoughts about the new job. When I interviewed, I was sober, but since then, I have done booze and drugs and escorts. Now I wonder if the people will be disappointed. I actually want to keep a close eye on this and bring feedback on here as the days progress.
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2022
  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hey ZeeBawn every day is a new day. I hope this one goes well for you. All best,
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This IS good news! Well done!

    I changed the wording in the quote. Thoughts are just thoughts.

    Words have power. When we change the words, we change the outcome.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Welcome, man. Keep on keeping on!
  10. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hey Zeebawn,
    I thought I'd check in on you. How's it going? Best,
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Hey gents, have been clean off PMO for two days, yesterday was clean..
    I have not touched substances in a bit longer.
    I am feeling so much better today after terrible withdrawals from meth, a nightmare drug.
    Started today at my new job, some anxiety, a few flashbacks of that night and the day after of my "slip"...
    Deleted social media off my phone, which also made me feel so much better.
    Saville likes this.
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Tom, am doing much better, but now I am re-committing to my place of worship and to recovery in general.
    I won't take myself to seriously or be hard on myself, but only seek to learn about the nature of life and draw strengh from my higher power..
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks man
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Very well done ZB. Good to hear things are getting better. All best,
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    So, I am slowly healing, it is hard.
    Prior to my slip, I had the idea in my mind of drawing confidence from my clean time (escorts) and sobriety. But I was in a cycle of acting out with pmo and also poor stress management.
    I realised that while I must accept myself as a person, I must also be clear about the impact of my addiction on me, and recognise the need to address certain matters that I might have been comfortable with due to the belief of being "alright" just because I am not drinking or seeing escorts.
    In reality my sobriety and clean time has not been pleasant, and I have relied on anger and anxiety to get me through each day, as well as an addiction to social media.
    I met with afemale friend this weekend for lunch, and found myself fantasising heavily. She sent a video basically calling out the reality of men only staying in the friend zone as a means to wait until we get the opportunity to sleep with them.
    Needless to say, I have felt quite exposed and afraid, as I was indeed hoping, not just to sleep with her, but several other women who I call friends.
    I have told myself I am self sufficient and can wait, but I realise a big part of me yearns for sex to be honest. A part of me, however, knows that I am not good at relationships and women will want one, and I am likely to find subtle ways to sabotage it, and seek ways to protect my image in doing so.
    It is painful because I thought I was in the right, but much of the issues with my wife were due to my eroneous thinking and trauma, even though she was also struggling with a lot.
  16. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    To me this seems normal. If you are "friends" with a woman who you find attractive and like spending time with it seems reasonable to me that romantic feelings would develop. I think its difficult for men and women to be purely friends if there is attraction on either side.
    Saville likes this.
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Yeah, I wish women understood this, even if men are willing to remain in the friend zone indefinitely, does not mean we do not wish to have sex.

    So I actually value this particular lady's friendship. She is very interesting to talk to, sophisticated and intelligent, although there are some philosophical positions I fundamentally disagre with. I tell myself ai would sacrifice sex with her or even the chance of having sex with her not to lose the friendship, as she has also helped me through some very difficult times in my career and in my life in general. But even as I write this I have to admit that this is just a cope, and the good friendship makes the desire even more, a combination of burning sexual desire, intense craving for affection and a deep yearning for companionship, all driven by bitter loneliness.

    It has been 16 days since I did any of my acting out, p, m or o, about 18 days since I acted out with an escort. Last time I had sex before that was in September 2019.

    I had a very powerful euphoric recall of my session with the escort tonight, wondering how long I can hold out before I am able to find a suitable partner with whom I can have a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship founded on mutual trust and respect.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  18. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Hey Zeebawn,

    Just reading your posts and I'm praying for you man. I can only imagine how hard it must be to add booze and drugs to the mix.

    I think it is the tragic reality of PMO that it drives us to fulfil our sick urges, either with porn or hookers, and once we do, it still leaves us feeling empty and even more miserable. Back in 2018, during one of the peaks of my addiction when i really was suppressing my loneliness and need for affection, i succumbed to temptation and ended up with a hooker. And i remember feeling terrible about it all once it was done. The fakeness and artificiality of it all. Like this sense of defeat washed over me when i left. And i still remained resolute in my PMO thereafter. What an awful cycle of destruction it all is.

    Anyway, please keep on trying man.
  19. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks man. I have slept with many escorts in my life, and managed not to see any since 2013, now in 2022, nine years later I saw two in one night, plus binged on a new drug, meth. My I have to recognise the value of recovery, because without the support of my brothers in recovery and the valuable lessons I have learned, I would likely still be actibg out and using.

    However, ai have to be honest about the damage I have inflcited on myself, not just this latest slip, but over the past couple of years of dipping in and out of pmo, and of not seeking the help I need to resolve my traumas and fears.

    I think substances are a lot easier to put down, if you can dodge the initial cravings but I face the reality of sex and love addiction, a dangerous combination that abuses our need for companionship.
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    So, she texted me today, with the last time being on Sunday.. and I found myself foing to instagram to check if she had sent me a message, unhealthy yearning for attention and approval.

    I am now making a firm commitment to give her a wide berth and to focus on my work, studies and life matters, get properly clean clean and sort out some admin

    The reality is that I fave loneliness, and crave warm touch and affection. Sex, of course, but also companionship, support and understanding. I mean, ai can get sex from an escort. Even if escorts were cheap/no cost to me, I yearn for partnership and friendship, sharing life together.

    I suppose I was looking in the wrong place when I became emotionally invested in this lady. My thinking and feeling has not been the best, coming fresh off a hard slip..

    Take care guys...

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